Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

5 yrs, not in love anymore, broke engagement and kicked me out

It sounds pathetic, but this is my second long relationship with someone bipolar(6 yrs + 5) I am crushed, yet again. 11 years dealing with bipolar and I haven't learned a thing obviously. Right before X-mas, my, now ex-fiance broke it off. He has 3 younger children, 9, 11 and 13.5. I have a 19 and 21 year old. We were a family...all living under the same roof. We were so loving, had family time...had our time. only fought when he'd have an episode. I knew from my ex-husband not to do anything to trigger an episode. Unfortunately, family and friends who think it's always just because he is "unhappy" don't help. They listen as he, very logically says that he is just unhappy. They validate the mania which is what he looks for. They don't understand how he can be sooo in love and our relationship can be sooo close, then overnight...completely gone. He has "broken up" with me too many times to count. Then comes out of it and doesn't know what happened. He's a rapid Cycler. This one IS BAD. He's broken up with me for a month before to be with someone else. He has had a past with shady communications with other women. As far as I know, we were past all of that. Now I wonder.
Every time mania hits, it costs...a lot. It started when we were supposed to go away for the Thanksgiving weekend with his children. He started getting snippy with me the night before. the next morning, was mean when I got up. I asked if he even wanted me to go. He said no and just took off. I'm in my car crying...he's in his car singing happily with the kids with the music cranked. So he comes home, we make up...until my company party. He gets trashed. I, hurt, told him the next day that he told the VP "I'm not married to ANYONE" when she asked...thought she was coming on to him..she wasn't. She knew we had gotten engaged. He didn't talk to me for days. He ended it. Got me off the lease..I am in the process of trying to move now. It's torture. A week of nothing...he's just moving things in the empty spots I had things...Joined the 'fancy' expensive gym where all the 'hot' people go...I can see that he's on internet all night... cutting me out of Facebook. I'm sick. Sad thing is, I know when it's getting bad...Gambling, drinking, over-spending, overly obsessive with the kids...over-sexed, then not interested..reclusive. Still, no matter what...there is nothing i can do. Everyone says I'm better off. I don't feel like it. Happy new year
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First Helper Brokentwice
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replied December 31st, 2013
I''m sorry to hear you are going through this. I''ve only been in a relationship with a Bp person for a year, but I do feel your pain & know what you are going through. Mine is gone as well, everything that went wrong in the relationship is my fault. I know how you feel...broken, drained, tired, scared. I hate that you & I both are going through this. He sounds very manic right now. But you said he''s a rapid cycles, right? Maybe next week he will snap back to himself.
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replied January 1st, 2014
New Years Eve pain...though I was glad I had a moment with him
What a new years eve...I went to a party at a hotel with some friends. Drank too much of course.Right at New Year, I'm on the dance floor and I get a text from him saying he's sorry he ruined everything, the thought of me with someone else does hurt and he has deep emotions and sometimes that's just the way things are in life sometimes...just the way things go. He said he wants to express himself but its hard. He told me I deserve a man who can give me everything and he knows that he can't give me what I truly desire.Wished me happy new year and may I find the love i need and happiness. Of course, I text him back..I was crying and upset thinking I wished more than anything, we were together. Needless to say, I told him if he gave a damn he would be there. He came. We talked..of course I'm trying to understand. He comes over to hug me and, of course, things happen. He left after sleeping a bit. I came home this morning and he came into the bedroom. We talked and he says he does love me and letting go is really hard for him because of his feelings. He's been listening to that damn John Mayer "continuum" album over and over again. He said that despite his feelings he feels like he needs to be on his own. I asked how long he felt that way. A month? two? He said he felt that way after my company party two weeks ago(when he broke up)when he got SO drunk and made a comment at the table that he wasn't married to anyone..with me sitting there. He told me he felt really bad about his behavior and that drunk or not it had to come from somewhere. Yes, it did, from drunk and manic. He said, but even now, two weeks out, he still feels that he needs to be on his own. Well, I know that is usually the next step in the this is they break-up, hide away from everything and everyone period. I explained that that was what my ex-husband did after his manic episode..hid away for 2 months...and reminded him of his episode where he did that a few years ago. He said he is overwhelmed with all of the little things and doesn't want to do the work to keep us together. We talked about how he had the mega mood swings even when I lived long distance so how can it be just because we're living together? He agreed. I don't think he wants to do the work to get himself help because he's in survival mode and feels that if he eliminates us and just carries on doing whatever, whenever, that the issues will subside. He hugged me goodbye and told me he'd see me this evening. I continue to pack...what else can I do? It's done as far as he is concerned and I'm moving out. It hurts so much because I know, at some point, he's going to turn around and start contacting me once I'm gone...always has...
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replied March 6th, 2014
Experienced User
hello Broken Twice.

I so understand where you are coming from. If he does come back it just might be the same all over again with you hurting yet again because of a breakup. There has to be lasting change. I had it for one solid month. It was almost heaven but I was waiting for the nastiness to start. He went overboard with the respect caring, so thoughtful that I thought I was with someone else. He anticipated my every need. It was down right scary but I did manage to enjoy some of it I'm not kidding. One month and the sniping started. Gradually got worse.
Now I know he can do it but not sustain it.

I still have a community heath worker and other professionals to talk to cause. I know I'll need it. Once I realized what happening here I told him it was unacceptable. I was looking for a place of my own. He never dreamnt I'd do that but now he knows. It will get better and better after I make the move. I don't have to live with this anymore. I'm packing now too. You can do this. God knows it's taken me long enough but I have learned so much about myself and my husband m I love dearly. Just can't live with him. I won't be subjected to this anymore.
Wishing you much happiness cause you deserve it.
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replied January 2nd, 2014
God this is killing me. My boys and I are not out of the house yet...my son told me he brought some lady in the house..into his room to quote for cleaning it. He has a screen up so he didn't see her. His text to me New years eve was bs...made it like he was crushed...I'm sorry I've ruined everything...you deserve what I know I can't give you. All in all, it is about him wanting to be able to have his ultimate freedom..that's it. And he was worried I would end up with someone that night. It's about being single and looking for him. And he admitted this had all come up just 2 1/2 weeks ago. Before that we were a 'given'.
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replied January 4th, 2014
Well..another weekend. He didn't come home until 12:30.. again. This morning the same. Just walks past me like I'm nothing. Smiling...positive and happy..comes and goes like the past five years...like I didn't even happen. How do you just stop loving someone? How do just kick someone out of your heart...your life..knowing you will never be laying next to your friend again..all of the things you did together...all of the time you spent together..the trips...the hugs, the friendship...just gone out of your heart and mind..overnight? I don't get it. I don't understand the purpose of the New Year's text. Seems like a selfish lie to me just to make sure I didn't hook up with someone that night (as if I could). It appears more to me, that this is really just about him wanting to be free...
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replied March 6th, 2014
Experienced User
I bet it's the illness talking. Either way it's killing you. So sad, feels so unfair. Get some support for yourself. I had to be "falling apart" as my shrink said before I got proper help. Now I can stand up for me.
Hugs
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replied January 4th, 2014
He did offer to help me move this morning...if "I wanted him to" as he shrugs.."or not"....cold
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replied March 6th, 2014
Experienced User
yes, they are so good at being cold and distant.
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replied January 4th, 2014
My ex did something very similar. "You can read this book, then get back to me… or not." He is making sure that nothing he does can reflect back on him negatively. PROTECT PROTECT PROTECT. You represent something that can hurt him. There is nothing you can do to convince him otherwise right now. ALL MEN FOR THEMSELVES. He can only handle what pertains to HIM and what he thinks he needs. Even if he is dead wrong!!!! Let him fall, because he's not going to let you get in the way of him and rock bottom. We can only wait until they are on the ground burning, and pick up the pieces. Sad I'm facing that sad truth right now too, I'm sorry that this is so hard.
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replied March 6th, 2014
Experienced User
The total self absorption and complete lack of respect are what did me in.

I know you both have the necessary strength although it sure doesn't feel like it.

Hang in there. Cry when you need to. But do what you gotta do.
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replied January 6th, 2014
I think he's dating..or at least putting himself out there...frantically working out...really grooms himself before he goes out and doesn't come home until midnight. when he does crash...he may already have someone else to lean on...acts like I'm dead..either way, it's like I told him, I would never be with him again if he is with someone else..even if it's 'just a date' at this point..because I would never believe him and the fact that he would want someone other than me...means I don't mean s*it to him. He has already been forgiven in the past for leaving me to s*rew someone else...never again...if he wanted his space, he should've talked to me, we deal with it, but don't break up and act like you're looking for someone else to rock your world...cuz that will get old too...he says, 'maybe...'
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replied January 13th, 2014
Well...first night in the new place. He had spent the previous two nights in the room with me? Wanted to be close to me? But then continues to be distant as to not elude that he wants any more to do with me. We had talked a bit..he said he had been sleeping only around 4 hours a night..not working out or doing his normal activities. Just gambling a bit..coffee shop. I found out the other day he's planning a big Vegas trip with his buddies. I don't know how long it has been in the works. When he started becoming distant and moody, I asked him why he didn't want to be with me anymore and he said he wanted to be able to come and go as he pleased and not have to run anything by me...wanted to be on his own. In the past, he has broken up with me before he took off on trips. It may have nothing to do with it. when I asked him again last night if there was some reasons I'm unaware of..something I did? He said, "it's a lot of little things and the way his brain interprets them. some people may get it and some may not but," he "was NOT going to get into it". Just an excuse? Maybe it was just me..everything was a lie..he never loved me and I just wanted to believe that he did. All in all..I suppose that's it..it's done and I have to try to move on..can't go from being what we were, to him going off doing God knows what with who, then maybe wanting to re-connect at his convenience.The fact that he doesn't care...it's breaking me. I've lost 13 lbs in 3 weeks...and I'm not done getting all of my stuff out..going tonight..he wants it all out within this week. Drained Sad
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replied February 25th, 2014
After 2 months..he wants me back??
Wow! The forums always seem to quiet down a bit after the end-of-year holiday turmoil settles. Sometimes I wish we could just pass over the last few months of the year to avoid the major manic/crash.
Well, an update. I've spent about a month 1/2 now in my new place. A lot of nights going out, being with friends. The pain of the sudden ending of everything and the robotic coldness he displayed really took a toll on me. Lost 16lbs (maybe I should thank?).There was pretty much no contact other than him telling me i had mail, etc. We finally met after he left me the letter of explanation as to why he ended things. We talked for 3 hours at the coffee shop...we went our ways as he kept saying things like, 'whoever we both end up with', and 'you can e-mail me if you need to talk'. I told him what was the point and ended it there (well, after a long kiss goodbye in the parking lot). He text me that night...and every night since. I'm reluctant..I've just finally gotten settled and have discovered my own worth. He says a lot, but no actions yet whatsoever. He says he's committed to change and being with me for the long-haul...but I'm still blocked on FB...we're still sneaking around the kids (and everyone) which makes me still have doubts about how committed he is. He's been seeing a therapist (I needed to see one too after everything he put me through). He said we still have a lot to talk about. I set my boundaries...told him the way things need to be for me. All women of the past or possible future prospects-GONE! FOREVER! Sick of women re-surfacing. No more Facebook-friending and 'liking' random chicks. No more locked computers, phones, secret stuff, secret friends or confidants...no more leaving me behind while he gallivants around and goes on trips and takes off with the kids...has a life without me and pulls me in at his convenience. I need and deserve a real companion..a partner. Especially for what I've given and lost after 5 years of utter devotion. I told him what I have learned..that I don't have to settle for that sort of treatment because in him setting me free, I've seen that that does not have to be my future..there are others who would value the person I am and what I have to offer. He says he wants to be transparent and have no secrets ever again..still hasn't gotten to the part where there was a car parked in his driveway at 2am when I wasn't even completely out of the house yet...maybe that's what he's waiting for...my reaction? I love him...where that goes I guess depends on what he DOES next...hopefully sooner than later. I'm just taking in the moments for now and staying hopeful
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replied March 6th, 2014
Experienced User
I'm so glad you told him what you need. the hardest part for me is keeping up with the struggle. Gotta be firm. he knows now I look after me first. I've learned that my life doesn't revolve around him. He was a large part of it (too large) Not anymore. I am not going back ever again to the way things were.

hang in there. do what makes you happy.
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