Medical Questions > Mental Health > Eating Disorders Forum

19 years old, scared, confused and possibly bulimic .

I've stayed inside my hall-room all day today.
I should have gone to my classes - after all I had a lunchtime-lecture which was obligational - I just didn't go.
I could say I was sick. Allthough I wasn't really, I just didn't feel prepared for todays classes last night, so I decided to just stay home instead and work on my assignments from my room. That way I could catch up and don't fall behind already. But I didn't. Instead I recieved my online order of groceries from Tesco at about 10.30 am, in which I indulged throughout the day while watching youtube videos, a streamed movie and the x factor. I didn't mean to waste my day like this, because I actually want to do well in my courses. I want to be proud of my self. I just don't.
Instead I eat my sweets all in the duration of half a day and eat oversized portions of food every half an hour. Then when I can't eat anymore - not because I'm full, I always eat beyond that feeling anyways because it makes me feel good, but because I litterally can't fit any more food in my stomach - I go to the toilet and through it all up. Because that also makes me feel good.
Usually, I feel very weak and tired afterwards, so I go to bed. I lie there, still feeling fat. My inner deamons are arguing, combating over what part of me to attack next. My motivation, mood, inspiration, ambitions. My self-confidence. I feel empty and drained, but not the way I want to. And then I cry.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like other girls my age. Sure of my self. Promiscuous because I know I can back it up. I wish I could let go of my comfort zone and step outside my box to explore what might have been waiting for me all along.
I want a boyfriend. I had one, three and a half years ago, but it only lasted about three months. I was skinny back then. Pretty and skinny. I still think I'm pretty, but I've gained twenty pounds since I was 15-16. So I don't show off as much as I might have done three years ago. And I don't feel bad when I'm alone either, when I'm not hanging out whith friends every day. Because I like my own company. I know what comforts me and what makes me feel good when other things don't or are missing. Like the friends that I push away, or the closeness and intimacy from a partner. It's the feeling I get afterwards that I don't like. When it hits me that it's all fake and make believe. The comfortness of my own bubble.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of turning in to a socially awkward person without even knowing that I am. It scares me what I am allowing to happen to myself. What I'm doing. Locking myself inside for a whole day, not going to my classes or doing the work that's assigned for me. I'm scared of becoming less then what is planned for me. To just be one among many who fails. Who "could have been".
I'm afraid of being lonely. Of never finding someone to share my life with. Or parts of it. I want to still be that lively, bubbly and optimistic me that people confide in, feel comfortable around and want to hang out with. Because I still am, though slightly more confusing. I'm still that person. I have my days where I'm funny and put on a happy-face for everyone to see and adore. I still want people around me in my life, although I might slip into my cave from time to time. I still want contact, because I don't do well when feeling alone. I'm worse of than ever when the thought occasionally hits me that I actually tend to push people so far away they become only acquaintances and I no longer have any close friends left. No one to just call up and ask for a chat or some company. I have a few people I can do that with, but they're not here. They're back home. And home is not my home anymore. Not my life.

Sometimes I have periods where I'm almost like everybody else. Happy with my life and myself. I go to the gym and feel less fat than usual, I hang out with friends and repare broken bonds or trusts. I'm somebody. I meet boys and have short flings and hook-ups. But nothing more. Because that scares me too. To reveal all of me to someone. To let them in and see why I'm so garded. This is probably the only thing I know I'm not alone fighting.

Something inside hurts when I think of the possibility that I might never find true love with someone. That natural comfortable place where every day is embraced in confidence that you have someone who cares for you and isn't obligated to. They're there because they want to. In the end it all comes down to feeling needed and wanted. To feel loved.
I feel my pulse increasing and breathing speed up, because I'm nervous and afraid. Will love ever happend, and if so, how? And should it happend, will it last?
I lock myself inside for the day and ignore my own questions by eating snacks and food. Come evening, I will probably go to the bathroom again.

Anybody feel/have felt the same way? What do you do to not sink into that dark hole constantly loitering around the corner, waiting? I drives me crazy and makes it harder to feel at ease with the other, good things in my life. Like my family and the good friends who've always stuck through. It's like everything's a big mess!
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replied October 26th, 2010
Experienced User
Hi, hello LiveLaughLove19 (your username rocks by the way). I've just read your post and it was actually refreshing to hear someone be so honest and still have a burning desire for life, love and things which could possibly bring joy.

I'm 29 and can relate to pretty much everything in your post bar the throwing up (I can't bring myself to do it) but I binge on some sweets when I get stressed. I want to offer a voice of support and encouragement, for you to seek help for what sounds like possible Bulimia Nervosa. I have read that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be a useful treatment for breaking cyclical behavior and that conditions like Depression (which I have) or anxiety disorders which can trigger the cycle of binge and purge.

You seem like such a vibrant soul, your post was poetic to me, it is unsettling to know a gifted person like yourself could be hiding in a cave. Please seek to find more professional info about what is happening to you and don't let it control your life.

I seriously believe life is beautiful and that belief has seen me through any dark day that I have encountered in my life. It is normal to feel stressed or anxious due to schooling/college demands, but when it becomes overwhelming, definitely see your medical practitioner.

Embrace your life again, get better by learning new skills which help you to cope through your stressful times and don't hide too much. As you begin the road to recovery, so too will you find that new friends and loved ones will be made and met but take care of yourself and your needs first. That way you'll be comfortable to let them into your life when the time comes.

Wishing you all the best with your life.
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replied October 26th, 2010
re:
Thank you for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. And to compliment the little things you notice:) I have considered talking to someone about all these mixed emotions, with lately the bulimic part being my biggest concern because I recognise this behaviour as unhealthy and want to change.
It took me a while to finally face myself like this, to write it all down and be so honest about the struggles I tend to push away. Like it would all eventually disappear if I didn't pay any attention to it. But yes, lately I've been feeling like I'm in over my head, so talking about it all to someone has been on my mind.

Thank you again, and I really hope it all turns out the best for you. You seem like a caring nice person, and I hope you can manage to find the brighter things in life as you go through what you do. You are absolutely right, life is too beautiful not to enjoy.
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replied October 26th, 2010
Experienced User
Hey, thank you first and foremost, talking about these issues is usually one of the biggest and best steps, I feel, toward getting back on track. It's always nice to connect and feel heard! Continue to seek support especially from medical professionals (as this is a medical condition) and not just "a caring nice person" (thanks so much, by the way!) like myself.

I never post unless I truly meant what I said (often revising my post before posting) because I actually do care. You seem like you are well grounded (probably more than you give yourself credit for) and I'm sure you have the smarts and will-power to get yourself to the next phase of recovery. As for me, I'm smiling today and part of that is because of you so a BIG THANK YOU to YOU LiveLaughLove19, and I will do exactly that (Live,Laugh,Love)!

All the best and thanks for posting!
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replied November 6th, 2010
Hey,

I've been where you are, and it sucks; I know it does. But it will be OK, things do get better.

It's a vicious circle of binging, locking yourself away and being in your own food induced bubble 24/7. You find your self with people and when they talk to you, you aren't even listening your minds just running over and over and you want someone to just take your hand and show you what way to go, for them to say things will work out.

But I promise you, things will work out for you. My advise would be to book an appointment with your uni's counciler , speak to them about how your feeling; they won;t judge you they will want to help.

When I feel ugly, and fat and disgusting; unloved, I try and think of 5 things that I like about myself. I eat, healthily as it's proven a good healthy diet can improve depression, and I also like to walk to and from lectures as gentle exercise can also help relieve depression.

You ARE beautiful, you ARE & WILL be loved. You will find your Prince Charming. The power of positive thought really is irrevocable.

Tell yourself everything you want to be, you you be, that you will achieve your goals and you will, I swear it.

Good luck, and I hope you can talk to someone who can help lessen the burden of dealing with this on your own, and find the strength that I know you have within yourself to overcome it so you really can LiveLaughLove.
Take Care xx
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replied March 6th, 2013
Hi there. I couldn't help but smile when reading your post. Not because what you said was funny or made me feel happy. But because I am relieved. I've felt awfully terrible these past few days and in reading what you're going through I felt the tiniest bit of weight lift from my shoulders. Its a big relief to have a reminder that other people are suffering and going through things that you are. It reminds you that you actually are not alone. I'm going through the exact same things. Right now. And guess what? I'm 19 as well. I'm battling with Bulimia, Depression, Anxiety, and drug dependency. The drugs is the only thing I didn't see you mention so I'm assuming you don't use and if that is the case that is very very good! I push people away as well. I currently have no close friends. I used to have plenty. I was the one who made everyone laugh and who everyone confided in. The one with the big heart. Now all people do these days is tell me I sound terrible and I need to smile more. I've been and still am desparate for love and companionship. I now have a wonderful bf who loves me dearly yet im pushing him away. Same thing happened to my love before him, i hurt that one terribly from pushing him away. I now snap at my bf and just want to be left alone at times for some reason even though i hate being alone. Things suck. But honestly, it will get better. Not because things around you will. Things stay the same, you will have a fair share of ups and downs in your lifetime. Things will get better because you will learn how to deal with them, the good and the bad. If you need proof of things getting better, look around at the millions of people older than us. There are people out there that have had every curveball thrown their way yet they are still here. Some are even happy. Saying all this stuff makes me feel like a giant hypocrite yet at the same time it kinda feels good to hear it and I hope I will take the advice I offer to others such as yourself. Oh, and i would suggest seeing a professional. I thought it was a crock but you have no idea how good it feels to get everything out in the open with someone and have them there to basically help you lay it all out and examine it when things have been muddied for so long. You dont have to stay long and get caught in their trap (i feel it gets to a point where they can no longer help you, only you can help you) and you dont have to get started on medication or any groups and stuff like that if you dont want. It can help if youre interested but personally i chose to battle things barehanded to get to the root of things and not have those extra things in the way as a fluffer if that makes sense. Anyways. I replied to this to be a simple reminder and give you the relief that you gave me: there are others out there. You aren't alone. Yes people are going throught the exact things you are. Things happen and people survive and learn how to survive well over time. People learn how to survive together. Feel free to email me if you'd like someone to talk to...
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