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Wondering if daughter is bipolar, and whether I may be too

We are really not that much alike but I can see how some of the ways she acts are how I acted when I was younger. She is very hard to live with. You never know if she is going to be really nice (almost fake nice) or whether she's going to bite your head off. She can be fine and then something will set her off and she turns into a total b*tch over seemingly nothing. She will get something in her mind that she's mad about and just won't let it go. She will say the most horrible things when she is mad. When she lived at home (she's 23), the whole family walked on eggshells. Now that she doesn't live at home I get along with her fine, although sometimes when she comes over she changes the whole atmosphere of the house if she's in one of her moods. She takes it out most on her sister who is three years older. She is either her best friend and getting along fine with her, or she is saying horrible things to her. She lives with her boyfriend and while he is careful not to get into any conflicts, he did tell me it's not easy living with her. I have seen her when she gets mad at him. He works a lot and when he has a day off and just wants to sleep in or relax, she gets mad at him because she'll want to do things or will have a list of things she want him to do or help her do in their apartment. She also when she gets mad at other people (like for being noisy at the apartment), she will make him be the one to go give the message. I honestly can't imagine being her boyfriend. As her mother even when she lived at home I was able to keep my distance from her if I needed to, but in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship I don't see how she does it.

Now about me. I'm not Jekyll and Hyde personality wise to other people like she is, I don't think, but I go back and forth in other ways. I'm 54 and have my own business, but I'm not sure the industry I am is is going to hold out until I retire. I make decent money and could make more if I tried. But I've considered going to school. For the last six years I have been going back and forth about that. One day I will make up my mind that that is what I want to do, and I will plan out my classes for the couple of years it will take, and I will feel great about it. Then literally the next day going to school will seem like a bad idea and I will talk myself out of it by thinking about how much it is going to cost, having to take out student loans, not being able to work as much while in school, anxiety about being a student with kids have my age. One day I will feel like I can really do it and the next day I tell myself I can't. One day I feel like a winner and the next day I feel like a loser. This has been going on for 6 years. I have applied for admission to college several times, been accepted, taken a few classes sometimes, and other times enrolled and then withdrawn. I just can't seem to make a decision and stick with it.

And I'm not really getting much work done, either. Some days I sit at my desk all day and do nothing.

Also my marriage is crap. My husband is an alcoholic. Sometimes my daughter reminds me of HIM more than me, because he gets angry over the smallest things, even when he wasn't drinking. He's just started drinking a lot and every day the last couple of years, but before that was a binge drinker. During his binges he would often not come home from work and I wouldn't know where he was or what he was doing. He stopped that for a couple of years but now is doing it again. He tries to tell me I'm crazy for getting upset about it, that everyone has problems and I think my problems are SO much bigger than everyone else's. Well, I think my husband not coming home and not calling and turning his phone off and showing up at 6:00 the next morning, or 2:00 the next afternoon, and then refusing to acknowledge that he did anything wrong, is a big deal. It is also infurating. He also does it at times that any feeling person would not do it - like literally days after my dad died, my husband disappeared on a drunk. When my niece's daughter died, the night before the funeral, he disappeared. When my mom was in the hospital and not expected to make it through the night, he did it again. And today he told me *I* am abusive. I get upset and he says "Just look at you!" I know, I know - he is trying to put the blame on me instead of him. He is absolutely not cheating during these times. In the past, early in our marriage, he did. But now he's such a drunk that truly all he is doing is getting drunk. And driving drunk. He has a couple of brothers who are even worse drunks and he likes to go hang out with them. I am at the point where I don't want to put up with his crap anymore. He didn't come home from work yesterday, came home at 6 a.m. today, and I told him to leave. He wouldn't. Got on the couch and slept until 9 and at that point we started fighting and he did leave. It's now 11:00 p.m. and I haven't heard from him, but I do know he spent $30 at the liquor store (saw it on the bank website), either two 30 packs of beer (he drinks cheap beer) or a 30 pack and a bottle of some kind of hard liquor. Tomorrow's Father's Day and I have no idea if the kids will see him tomorrow. If he doesn't, he'll blame it on me; say he would be here if it weren't for me. And while I'm sick of dealing with him, I am afraid of him really leaving. The way it always plays out is that he doesn't come home/doesn't call/doesn't answer his phone. He will sometimes pull up outside in the middle of the night but not come in (doesn't want a fight) and then will sneak in at some point and get on the couch. What he wants to happen is for me to act like nothing happened and not ask him about it or yell at him about it. If I do that, he's nice to me and just goes on like nothing happened. This morning he said he can handle me when I am like that (I said "Oh, you mean if you do whatever you want and I just keep quiet about it?!" - he thinks, or at least says he thinks, that there is nothing for me to be upset about). If I get upset and yell at him, he tells me how crazy I am.

Both my parents died it the last 10 months and I have had to take care of everything to do with them - dr appts, paperwork, funerals, health insurance, Medicare, nursing home, hospital admission, their house, power of attorney, etc. etc. And then on top of it dealing with my husband.

I guess there was more about me than I thought, but really I just want my daughter to have a good life and not a screwed up life like mine. I just thought maybe I am bipolar and maybe she is too. I don't feel like she'd be open to going in to be evaluated, but if I made the first step she would too. And maybe I'm just depressed; I don't know.

I should say too that my daughter has had so many jobs and friends where she has gotten mad and quit the job or ended the friendship and burned bridges. She never leaves a job or relationship on good terms; she has to end it in a huff.
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replied June 19th, 2011
Extremely eHealthy
well, take some time out. u say u make enough money so go rent a room somewhere AND DO NOT TELL WHERE BECAUSE YOUR LANDLORD DESERVES BETTER THAN TO DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS.
see a mental health professional in the meantime. perhaps u would do well with a support group to take the place of family temporally. This will give husband time to decide and act if he chooses and if he does not; well that is they way people r. if u find u are happier then stay that way for a while and maybe, just maybe your daughter will seek some similar help.
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