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Woman Has Me Doubting My Marriage

Just to give a little background my wife and I have been married for 2.5 years, dated and were engaged for about 2.5 years before that. Even though I was a late bloomer socially, I dated A LOT of people before I got married in order to figure out what I wanted and what I didn’t. She was a good fit for what I wanted at the time and I can't say that anyone I dated would have been a better fit.

I certainly had relationships that had a greater degree of passion but I have never met anyone that I clicked with as well as my wife. In the love-balance of friend->sex, she is certainly more on the friend side, but certainly my best friend. And the relationship has been steady; it’s not as if it was passionate and then it fizzled out.

My issue revolves around a girl at work. In the past year I’ve become increasingly better friends with her. When we’re bored at work we chat or email back and forth. We’ve hung out a handful of times outside of work along with other work friends. I’m certainly more physically attracted to her than I am to my wife, and I actually enjoy talking to her more than I do my wife, which is very unusual. She is a better fit for what I want and, to the best of my knowledge, meets all of my dealbreakers.

The problem is that I don’t know what this means. My first thought is just that I’m spending as much or more time with her than my wife so we would naturally become closer. However I had a two week vacation that I spent entirely with my wife and when I came back I was as eager as ever to see her. My second thought is that its just the ‘shiny new object’ or the ‘something different’ syndrome however I’ve felt this way for about a year now and it doesn’t seem to be doing anything but getting stronger. I’ve had relationships before marriage that started out as friends and progressed to being sexual in the same way, but they usually leveled off after a couple of months. This is unusual because we haven’t even been in any way sexual and it just keeps getting stronger after a year.

I feel like I want to experience all life has to offer and now this girl has me worried that I’m not actually doing that. Any neat suggestions of how to approach thinking about this?
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replied February 13th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

Logic and experience proves the grass isn't greener on the other side of the hill but it doesn't stop people, especially the young and inexperienced, from imagining it might be and wanting to have a look...
It is a story as old as time itself!

You chose your wife and you got married.
Marriage isn't so much a commitment as a contract which you signed and made a public declaration about. It is a contract with rights and duties on both sides and it is a contract with the benefit of an exclusive relationship with your wife at the cost of your wife having the right to the same expectation.

It is a contract that in principle isn't much different from any other sort of contract such as employment, bank loans or mortgages.
Excitement and passion are not part of the terms and conditions and if you don't have enough of that then you shouldn't have married this woman - marriages are supposed to be worked on and moulded to fit you both and it takes a lot longer than a couple of years!

I can tell you with some authority, in the year-in, year-out daily grind of living most men would trade cart-loads of passion and excitement for a good friend who would anticipate needs and generally pull in the same direction - it stops your testicles feeling like melons and keeps your blood pressure down and the living much easier: what more could a man need?

Now you are married your wifesearch check-list should be filed away or destroyed and you should never think about it again because it is one of the greatest taboos to compare your wife unfavourably to other women - your wife is not better or worse than anyone else, just different is all...
It is the height of bad manners and insulting to her and you wouldn't like it if you discovered your wife had been comparing you unfavourably.

Once you are married it gets like the gunfighters of the old west - it doesn't matter how fast you are eventually there will always be someone come along who is faster.
There will always be women who are more attractive or more likeable or those who seem more exciting. Your wife will be discovering this with other men while you are discovering this - but you married each other!

Sometimes there will be a temptation that is irresistable and there are rules and taboos about that too - never misrepresent your marriage status, never put your wife at risk and never, ever put your wife and family, when you have one, second to any dalliance.

There is divorce of course but the modern approach to divorce is downright immoral. Divorce should never be used as a get out of jail card as it is meant only as a safety net for those couples who in spite of their hard work have discovered it has become impossible to continue to live together.

The sense of what I have written is likely to escape you for a few years more but I hope it helps you a little.

Good luck!
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replied March 7th, 2013
Community Volunteer
Hi ConfusedinWI:....Sounds like you have the seven year itch early....My best advice is life has temptations...You are dealing with one now...Take your wife off to a hot vacation spot and be all that you used to be...Bring her back to her yesterdays...Make her alive...I have been married for many years and still consider my husband my lover and best friend...This is the way it started out and the way it will stay....

One more thing...There are far more women in sexual heat for the male species today than there have ever been....You are beginning to become a needed sexual fulfillment for a single or married woman in need of what she is missing...Guard your home life...Don't stray unless you are ready for the consequences...My best to you....

Caroline
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