Hi, I just want to ask for some advice about my current relationship. I've been seeing someone for 2 months now and it has got to the point where I think the relationship is abusive to me.

He has hit me, restrained me so hard that I have bruised, has pushed me over etc. He also doesn't like it when I do things not involving him, preferring that I'm either on my own or with him at all times. He says that this is because I'm planning to go away for a month in 2 weeks time and he wants to spend as much time as possible with me. He doesn't understand that I have friends I want to see, and that wanting to spend some time with them doesn't mean I don't love him.

He is also often very angry with me for what seems like something trivial, tripping over his laptop cable when its trailing across the room, stepping on his shoes when they're left in the centre of the room etc. He tells me I should be more careful and less clumsy and that its my fault he gets angry with me.

He says that he wouldn't get angry with me if I appreciated him more and made him feel loved and like what he does for me is good enough. When he gets angry and upsets me I cry and beg him to stop and he doesn't until I have to leave the room because I'm so upset. He often restrains me when I try to do this. Even when I do something relatively mild he will grab me or slap me to punish me.

I know that this makes him sound like someone that I should leave immediately. But I don't think he's ever been like this with anyone he's been before and has never been like this towards anyone else that I've seen. The big thing that has changed is that his dad recently died in a car crash, I'm at uni so he still lived at home relatively. He witnessed the car crash and held his father as he died. He feels responsible for the accident (though it wasn't his fault at all) and is struggling with the responsibility of looking after his mother and younger brother and sister. He was really close to his dad and its clearly messing him up, though he's seeing a counsellor about the bereavement. His previous girlfriend also cheated on him.

I'd like your thoughts and advice. Also, if your advice is just to leave him then assuming that I won't do that what can you suggest to make it better? Is there any possibility that he will change when he learns to deal with what happened to him before? When things are good between us it's amazing and theres no-one else I'd rather be with.

Thankyou for reading, I'd really appreciate any help.
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replied June 10th, 2008
Active User, very eHealthy
I don't think anyone here is going to advise you to stay with an abusive partner. Why would you want to stay with someone that hits you when you could be with someone that loves you unconditionally and would never imagine hitting you? I know you have feelings for this guy. I know it would be hard to leave him. But, think about this..... if you stay with him, fall madly deeply in love with him, marry him......what happens when kids enter the picture? Then it's not just about how he treats you, you'd have children to worry about. Why not deal with the pain of ending the relationship now, and build a relationship with a REAL man. One that wants your happiness and treats you like deserve to be treated? A man that when you get married and have children it's exciting and wonderful.
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replied June 19th, 2008
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The truth of the matter is that you shouldn't have to put up with that sort of treatment no matter what.... No matter what!
He is abusive and violent with you and this is completely WRONG!

On the flip side what he has gone through is absolutely devastating... Something similar happened to my partner but it wasn't as devistating ( although it comes close) If you are sure and i mean 100% sure that he hasn't treated anyone this way before then it's obviously due to his fathers death. He is VERY angry and doesn't know how to deal with the situation and worst of all he is taking it out on you. The thing is sweetheart you can't really fix this alone. He has to fix this. He needs help. He shouldn't be hitting you or slapping you no matter what...

I would strongly suggest that if this keeps up (which it probably will ) you tell him that you love him but you are going to leave until he sorts himself out. He needs anger management classes for starters and needs to talk to someone about his grief. men are stubborn sometimes though and think they can take on the world alone and don't ever need help.

I hope you can convince him to get some help. I really feel for you and I also do feell for him as he has been through a very rough time. I still stand by what I said though - That doesn't excuse him hitting you.

I also hope that you are correct in thinking that he has never hit someone before because if you are wrong. i don't see him changing. Period! I can only see things getting much worse..

Good luck with it all. I really hope things work out for you.
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