User Profile
I don't know why I'm writing this but, I guess I need some encouragement or something from others that have dealt with this. From both someone who suffers from bipolar and someone who's supported someone thru it and does.. I know it takes awhile to get over something when your seriously hurt. I get that. I've been going to therapy like I should, trying to figure out the correct medicine combination, staying active, keeping interests etc. I've been doing everything I can to manage myself. Sometimes, yeah I slip up so to speak like anyone suffering this. I snap at times as medicine only does so much, or I have a episode and try to get by myself so I don't hurt anyone..
All my life, I'm used to people turning their backs and abandoning me. Family, friends, or love interests. Its made me have trust issues naturally and a fear. Right now I don't know if I'm cycling out or if its because of the medicine not being the perfect match yet but I have insomnia, want to sleep all during the day, very aggressive, yet the next minute I'm crying and feeling withdrawn. I've been trying to keep a hold on it as I see my psychiatrist soon.. That and I've been honest with my current boyfriend so he knows what is going on. From being abandoned and shoved aside, cheated on, and abused like I said..severe trust issues. I told my ex this and he promised he was different. I was honest about having bipolar disorder. During the time we were together, I was switching drs as my old one just wasn't on key with the meds and I wasn't liking how he just played with them by guessing.. During that time they took me off all of them cold turkey telling me id be fine. I was afraid, beyond afraid beings I had a full time job to handle, training my show horse and I just got accepted I to the college of my dreams. I asked to be hospitalized. It wasn't done. At first I was fine. I was like hey I can do this.. Maybe it isn't going to be so bad. Then one day literally I was at his house..i got so nervous, and almost flighty feeling. I tried to tell him and also bring up something that had upset me and i wanted to talk about it..as I didn't want to wait and blow up over it. Or have it brushed away. He said another time when we could lay down and talk. What i wanted to talk about was the fact one night i was very sexually aggressive/playful and he told me I made him feel like a object.. I was paranoid. On the drive home at one in the morning, I thought I was being followed.. All kinds of paranoid type things. I didn't understand what was happening. I'd been fine so far. Soon I realized what was happening.. I went to bed hoping id feel better. Woke up the next day still rattled, but went to work.. While there it happened. It was like usual, the light switch and I had a episode. As usual..dont remember what I said or did but once I came out of it, I felt like the worse thing in the world. I apologized, explained myself and told him id like to talk about it in person. From there, we would try to talk about what I have and I asked him to go to the drs and things with me but he refused every time I would ask, as I wanted someone to explain what I had and how to go about handling it, as well as how I should. You know.. Work together. I would try to avoid contact and explain to him how I was feeling, so I could avoid episodes being triggered. They continued to randomly happen. He told me that if he had known he would be subject to the episodes he would of been more prepared. I told him they could happen to anyone and that's why i wanted to go get a drs help..to help both of us. What broke the straw so to speak was I caught him over at some other girls house, after I had asked him about coming over, watching movies and I had a surprise for him. I got him tickets , well us tickets to see one of our favorite bands for my birthday. Two in the morning I called him to get yelled at, because I told him I felt ditched and disrespected. The girl is a known pig.. After that on my birthday he broke things off. Over those weeks though he got more and more distant and pretty much treated me like I wasn't wanted. It made things so much worse in many ways. Sorry for the long post but.. Will I ever stop feeling that fear of letting someone truly close because I'm waiting to be abandoned like he did? I needed him very much at those points.. It was honestly one of the lowest points in my life. I didn't want to live. And at that point, despite knowing everything. My parents even talking to him and my brother who worked in a psych hospital.. His friends even trying to get him to understand. He abandoned me. Since then, I'm getting better but that hurt just won't go away. I know the things i did and said hurt, but i accounted for them and myself and others tried to get him to want to understand, and us get help together.. I know my part in it. I'm not innocent. I just need to know there's a up from here..that one day ill wake up and I won't be afraid. Please don't comment if your going to tell me to just get over it or that I'm being foolish. For everyone, despite mental illness or not it takes time to get over things.. I just need to know what to do from here. He was my first so i guess it makes it that much worse. We were just about engaged..and well I never loved anyone the way I loved him. I never wanted money spent on me or all his time. Just our time to be ours..whether it was quad rides or going for a walk. I never cheated, lied, stole. I never called him names, as he told me i didn't..id ask. Even when during coming out of a episode, he would just yell and get aggressive..despite me telling him in the beginning to confront me on it but be gentle. I get why he was upset from it. I do. Everyone has a right to feel that way.. I just.. The person I once turned to for safety and love, as well as my best friend.. I begged to him for help. That I wanted to be a better lover to him. And all I got was screaming and being ignored.. My current boyfriend knows what's going on, that I'm mentally very screwed up from him and he understands why. I just wish this feeling would stop so I could move forward in my current relationship as well as life in general. So.. Anyone up to talk? I could really use it.
Did you find this post helpful?
|

replied June 5th, 2013
IMHO
Okay sweetheart, give yourself a break. You tried your best. That is all that is expected from you. Understand that some people are not equipped to handle drama. He is one of them. Don't fault him for that. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It may be better for you to embrace yourself for the person you are and acknowledge you are putting forth the effort to be the best you can be. I applaud you for never letting the lines of communication to stop. It just fell on deaf ears. Sorry, but maybe he is immature, maybe he wanted to check out other woman...Who knows? But he wants to do his thing, so acccept it. This happens all the time, bipolar or not. It hurts. I understand and sympathize. You need to understand it is HIM. This is who he is. Stop replaying things in your head. You did your best. I am not talking to you like you have bipolar sweetie, I am talking to you like a human being. Stay true to yourself. Be okay with yourself. Seek treatment when things get out of wack, but never turn inward. Isolation will get you nowhere. Now I get some of your posts. They were a bit critical of others. You are hurting and want people to understand your journey is a tough one. Bear in mind, that some people with a bipolar partner suffer a great deal too. Try not to judge too much. It comes off a little harsh for those that are giving it their all.
Okay, with that said, put your arms around you and give yourself a big ((hug)). You can beat this thing. You won't give up. Congrats on the college of your dreams. Full steam ahead. No lookin' back. Take care!!!
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied June 6th, 2013
I appreciate your reply very much. I'm a very blunt and up front type of person, so my replies probably do come off a tad iffy at times. I rarely sugar coat, but I understand very much so that some people depending on the situation need a lighter heart type of reply. Again, thank you. For the longest time I thought it was me.
|
Did you find this post helpful?