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Wife went through my text messages/facebook messages


I'm a 35 year old guy. Me and my wife have been married for 2 1/2 years now, and dated about 4 years before that. I love my wife with all my heart and have never had one inkling to cheat on her.

I do have a female friend who I have been friends with for almost 20 years. We dated for 6 months when we were 14 years old, and ever since then we have remained close friends. Me and her tell each other everything that is going on in our lives and we text message each other about 5/6 times a day, and send messages(private) to each other on facebook about once or twice a day...a joke one of us had heard, just checking on each other, and what else. She is also married, has been for 5 years to a guy she's has known for about 10 years. I actually was her maid of honor at her wedding

My wife doesn't like this girl and says we talk way to much. I have been talking to her more then usual lately, but she's been going through a rough patch in her marriage and I've been helping her out talking to her a lot. In the same time, I do complain about my wife to her sometimes. How I got to do laundry all the time, I got to drive her everywhere...nothing horrible, just normal complaining and moaning you do with your friend.

Last week I left my phone with my wife while I went and did a couple errands and she proceeded to look through all of my text messages I sent to my friend. She did tell me she did that and that she was pissed at me for talking about her to my friend. I was upset that she went through my phone but I got over it and told her I was sorry and i won't talk about her to my friend anymore. Well, a couple days ago, I was still logged into my facebook when my wife got into the computer when I went and got dinner and she proceeded to read all my facebook messages also. She got mad at me *AGAIN* cuz I complained about her to my friend again. Now she says she's thinking of leaving me and the such.

We have had a very very happy marriage. Yes we argue like all other couples but that's normal. I have told her look, I won't even talk to this girl anymore. This girl I have been friends with for 20 years if that's what will make her happy but she says she doesn't know what will make her happy anymore.

Do I have a right to be angry that she looked through not only my text messages on my phone but my facebook messages as well? I understand trust and I should let my wife know everything about me, but this is too much, do you agree?

Thanks in advance!Smile
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First Helper guest56353

replied March 5th, 2012
Experienced User
No I don't agree. I am a 52 year old male, married 21 years. Unfortunately, when you get married you probably should give up friends of the opposite sex. I know not all people will agree with me but if you were to discuss this with a marriage counselor, I believe they would tell you the same thing. 5-6 texts a day plus Facebook messages? Does you wife get that much attention?
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replied March 31st, 2012
Agree it's too much contact
Hi - I agree, I think this is way too much contact for someone outside your marriage. How would you feel if your wife talked to someone else (male friend, mother etc) this often every day. I think your wife has been very restrained to have waited this long to check your text/FB, and it actually shows she is a very trusting person. I would have been onto it ages ago. And she was honest about it.
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replied April 6th, 2012
exclusiveness. In marriage, you are to grow together, not in secret, not apart from each other, and especially not grow with other people with your wife out of the picture. You shouldn't be complaining to your lady friends about your wife either. Your wife deserves your full attention, and she seems like she is letting you know that. She has a right to have jealousy. Not a bad jealousy, but a jealousy that shows that she loves you. AND you should have the same. Like one of the above posters, how would you feel if she had a guy friend and they exchanged "friendly" texts/facebook messages? I don't know what types of messages you and your lady friend have been sending, but what if your wife was sending them of the same nature? what about sexual references? When you committed to her, she needs to be the top priority in your life.
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replied May 29th, 2012
Headache and stress
Well I am in the same position but my friend that I've known so long is my ex wife/ son's mother. My wife immediately had issues with my ex wife because we has a civil diviorce unlike her and her ex husband. It has been a 11 month rollercoaster. She is jealous of me talking to my my parents, family, friend male or female. She wanted me locked down and with her day in and day out. She has no friend and is not close to her family. She had 4 kids prior to us getting married and her ex husband doesn't want anything to do with her or their kids. All of these things are coming out now.
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replied July 24th, 2012
Be realistic
I've been married for three weeks now, together for three years and I haven't had the need to talk to another female about our relationship. Sisters yea, but they don't count. In every relationship I've had I have known that every woman has jealousy, big or small so the way to avoid problems is to avoid other women. I can't say it's a bad thing because I'm a jealous man. I have the right to be but she's never gave me a reason for distrust. If there was a scenario that she was texting another guy friend or no friend I would confront her or him and put a stop to it. If say there was even the smallest sexual reference or disscussion about me I would probably give the guy a black eye. Your married for a reason and it's not to be talking to another woman. My advice be honest to this lady friend and say goodbye because I assure you their marriage isn't exactly Daisy's if he know his wifes talkin to another fella
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replied August 26th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
It sounds like six and two threes as we say in the UK - like you need your heads banging together...

You both have genuine reasons for complaint - mostly because you and your wife haven't got to know each other very well and you both failed to establish relationship rules early...

I see no reason why you shouldn't keep all of your female friends after marriage but your contact has been somewhat excessive and your wife seems to have been kept completely ignorant and excluded and you have been ungentlemanly (and undiplomatic) by complaining about your wife to another woman - which amounts to comparing her with another woman!

Your wife, on the other hand, clearly isn't a Lady!

A Lady wouldn't have been so ill-mannered as to look at your private correspondence and if she had accidentally seen something she wouldn't have made an issue of it, therefore proving her lack of trust and ill-manners, but would have employed other means to understand and curtail the content, if not the actual correspondence...

You have both been particularly ill-mannered and thoughtless towards each other and you have unwittingly made your good friend a party to your part in that...

Your wife is understandably angry just now and it would be a great shame if she wasn't wise enough to wait until her anger subsides before she makes any decisions.
She has proved she isn't a highly principled person so if she left you because of your (relatively minor) transgression it will be because she desired an excuse to leave rather than any more tangible reason...

I wonder who she complains about you to?

It is time she joined the real world and treated your wallet (and phone) as the sort of sacrosanct territory every woman wants her purse to be...
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replied January 27th, 2013
Experienced User are chatting up another female and you wonder why you wife is getting off her bike...that begs the you have a brain mate.
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replied November 21st, 2014
Sigh. This is sad. I am about to get married in a month and my fianc wants complete transparency from me. I am 30 and she is 28, this stuff is stifling because she wants me to give up on an old friend. I've been giving my fianc a lot of attention since but she continues to complain, I won't show her my whatsapp messages because many of them are personal, about my dreams and have a couple of names of people from the past. I don't know what to do with myself.
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