Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

why does he always HURT the one he LOVES? (Page 1)

I have been married to my husband for 7 yrs now....I have been hit a couple of times and NOW he get all crazy like out of control yielling and he likes to makes he "cuts" you to the core(mentally).He has been throwing things, it doesnt matter what it is, if it's there and he can throw it at me HE WILL....!? But he turns around snaps out of it and he loves me, doesnt know what got in to him self....but he doesnt need help? OOOh YES U DO MY BIG BAD MAN!
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replied July 22nd, 2009
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Ah, sounds like my father, except he didn't hit my mother, he hit me instead. He never remembered afterwards either. You need to either get him to go for help or make a run for it.
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replied July 22nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
There are a lot of reasons men abuse their partners physically. Most revolve around control issues in the relationship or in his life. The important thing to recognize is that when this behavior is tollerated it escalates. abusing you is his method of establishing dominance and reestablishing the sense of control he has lost. If previous acts have not created stability he will usually increase the violence of his abuse instinctually. If you do not stop this abuse he will kill you. It is not something he can control, you've seen how it terrifies him that he does it but he continues to do it and it gets worse.

He needs help to find a method to adress his insecurity in a non-violent way and to train him not to see you as something that can be attacked to restore his sense of normalcy. You are also likely to need help to find your grownding enough to be able to effectively stop him when he crosses the line into abuse. When women are batterred there is a strong instinct to believe that they deserve the treatment and in some women a desire to seek it out be aggrivating the stability of the relationship. If you are not there now, be thankful that the abuse hasn't gone on long enough to break you.

I strongly suggest you both seek immediate counselling. If not for the sake of your marriage then for the chances of you being able to have successful relationships in your life.
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replied July 22nd, 2009
OK....Well I wanted to see IF I got a responce before adding more...Out of 7 yrs of marriage I have been hit maybe 3 times but yield at and things thrown at me or my way more times than I can say....Until this weekend!
He broke me...I have a broken ankle and I am going to need surgy..I have to add I'm not the type to take the physical part of this though and I know as bad as it sounds I...am still with him.
He didnt mean for my ankle to brake I turned and he brushed by me and down I went on my ankle and HARD...
He knows things are bad and he is going forward with counselling...we just met with our pasture tonight and friday I made him an appointment to see a doctor of med's....I just dont know if I should go with him...to be there to make sure he tells it all.
I also have to add that we have two kids and when they act up(or when my little girl acts up(and she's just like him))Thats when we have problems. NOT all the time just once in a while....and I mean once in a while and it has never gottin this bad until NOW.
And our relationship together(when it's just the two of us) is great...awesome. No problems.
But I know my kids come first....If he dont get help and doesnt stick with it we are done.
Will it get better?
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
The Broken I was talking about is the point where you fall into the routine to the point where being beaten is the normal part of your relationship and that the absense of abuse causes you distress. It doesn't sound that you're quite that bad but your acceptance of what he's doing is pretty alarming. You understand that his behavior is wrong, that is it not something you deserve and that it is a problem than needs to be corrected for your own health. It is very important that you never lose sight of those things.

Most doctors and relationship experts agree that the absolute maximum times that it's ok to hit your parter is 0 or less. It doesn't so much matter if you just met yesterday or if you've been married 50 years. It is a behavior that worsens and the only cure of it is a spouse that doesn't tollerate it. He can get counselling for the rest of his life and be on all the meds of the world but if he behaves abusively and you tollerate it you reinforce and amplify the behavior. If you cannot confront him and make him stop then you need to get help. And if you cannot do it with help then you need to leave him.

Having kids only makes the situation more urgent. Domestic Abuse is believed to be a learned behavior. You and your husband are educating your kids how a family opperates every day you're around them, training them on how to opperate in their own relationships. Seriously isn't that terrifying to you?

I know I sound pretty harsh but this is a pattern of behavior that plays out constantly in men that feel threatenned and react with violence. The pattern is predicable and it escalates predictably until it is stopped. I should tell you that finding the courage to stand up to your husband is only half of the battle. He may still not be able to help himself and all of your work will be for nothing.
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Users who thank W0LF for this post: wendyrs 

replied July 23rd, 2009
No I hear you and I am on my toes...he did get put in jail not for my ankle...well yes that but more for all the rest of the things that happened that day.
And i know how my poor little ones are taking all of this in and it makes me SICK...but do you just walk away or stay and pray?
I grew up in a loving family, where you stud up for each other...not to each other.
He grew up in a family that his mom got the crap beaten out of her, from what I know all the time...I'm not going to do it.
But when do you say thats enough???
When it hasnt been that bad...and I dont put up with this but Am I being to understanding?
My pastor says no and I told him everything!!!!
I dont know...but I do know
I WILL NOT LET MY KIDS THINK ITS ALL RIGHT TO HIT OR TO GET HIT ON!!!!


WOLF Thank you! You have been open and no holding back and thats what I've looking for. Keep up the good work!
Now to just as long as he waks the line WE will be just fine.
Pray for US
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replied July 23rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Justhiswife
I appreciate you have a belief that has strictures of behavior reguarding marriage but your Pastor is a bad source of assistance in this issue. The solution of the Christian faith on any social disorder is to repress the feeling and pray. It is the predictable answer you hear reguardless of what the problem is. While this may be a good solution for some problems it is very irresponsible and dangerous advice in the treatment of a compulsive violeng behavior. You and your husband need to counselling of a trained family counselor or domestic abuse therapist in addition to the guidence of your pastor. You need Someone who has resources and esperience in dealing with husbands that beat wives.

While I understand they power of prayer, you have to accept that at some point in your praying, that God is tasking you to be the wife that your husband needs you to be. If God is not stopping this behavior, you must stand up and take back control of your marraige from the abuse that has consumed it. Absolutely pray for guidence -AS- you take action but do not think that you can Pray for God to solve this problem. Many of the women who were beaten to death by their husbands were devout Christians and surely prayed every night for God to save them. I believe that if you find the courage to stop your husband from throwing things at you or striking you or absuing you with words that God will show you the way to help heal him. And if he does not I believe it is because God has made you strong enough and smart enough to save your husband on your own.

When to leave is a harder question. You should leave when your Husband is no longer doing the work to solve the problem weather it be finding counselling for his problem, communicating with you about his needs and feelings that are causing this issue or working with you to help navigate around the problems that aggrivate his need to abuse. If he is doing the work to solve the problem and you are seeing an improvement then an infrequent slip of his darker nature may be forgiven if you can find forgiveness for what he does to you and your children in your heart. If his violence continues to escalate you have to take your kids and go. It sucks like nothing I can understand but at that point you have your sign that you are in an unreversable pattern of escalating violence. Your children need to see that the behavior has to be stopped either through work and counselling or by leaving.
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replied July 23rd, 2009
I have set him up an appointment with a great doctor and found a place here in town that offer anger management...and I told him this morning that he's the only one that knows what is going on in him so, it would be nice if he would open up to me and let me know when he has cloud over his head...and we need to work out a plan for when he gets that feeling We can work it out.
Does ay one know what he is going though? Any idea on what I can do to help?
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replied July 24th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Keep in contact with his doctor. Be informed to his process. Support him has he works to get better and realize when he is not working.

When is your first appointment with a doctor or counselor?
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replied July 24th, 2009
He was put on Venlafaxine(Effexor)
Not sure if that what he is needing but its a start.
He starts anger management in the morning...it's a start.
I will not back down and let him give up...if I do WE will be gone before he knows...how sad.
He has been walking around kinda on edge but who can blame him all kinds of changes are being made and they're all for him...so it seams to him I'm sure.
I just wish ugly habbits were easy to change...
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replied July 25th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Justhiswife
This is one of those critical times in the marriage where he needs you. I know you may feel some lingering fear or even resentment but he needs your support and understanding. Ask his therapist if he thinks it would be helpful for you to take part in the anger management sessions.

I don't know you well but I know the patterns of abuse. I really think it's a good idea for you to either talk to a therapist about your abuse or at least attend a support group for battered wives. Even if you don't feel you're enabling his abuse it would be incredibly useful to get the perspective and support of other women.

I'm not sure about Effexor as a mood stabilizer or impulse control drug but I certainly wouldn't second-guess the doctor. Neuro meds have wicked side effects. Keep an eye on your husband and walk softly for about a month. If you see odd behavior ask him about it and how he's feeling about the meds. Feel free to shop around for drugs, not every prescription is a good fit, especially for anti-anxiety meds.

Work really hard to keep communication open with your husband. Show him as much love and support as you can right now. This is a really tough time for his self-esteem and his stress levels. The fact that he's doing this work at all is a huge sign of his commitment to you. What brought you here sucks but the fact that he's so willing to make this work is wonderful.

I wish you luck!
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replied July 26th, 2009
Wolf
Thank You for talking with me!
I have been wordering if it would been good to attand a class with him and I will ask him about that...
I have always thought, I will never take abuse of any kinda and now I have, vebral abuse, hit by is hands and a broken ankle...The only reason I'm still here is because I have faith in my husband (more in the LORD) the man I married, NOT that man that was going crazy last Sunday. That was NOT MY HUSBAND.
Dont get me worng I know he can come back ....but I know the signs, next time i WILL RUN.....

I am putting my marriage in the hands of GOD.

I am going to have to find someone for me to talk to also. Because I know I have some issues I came in my marriage with and now there are some new problems that I am having a hard time shaking off...like the image of a very large mad man standing over me trying to kill me.
I hope my kids can forget....THANK GOD THEY DIDNT SEE, but what they could hear was bad enough.
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replied July 26th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Talk to your kids. They always know more than you think. They are going to know things are changing for dad and you. You don't have to go into detail but ask them how they feel and if they're worried about dad and you. If You think they're having trouble expressing themselves you may want to ask them if they'd like to talk to your pastor about it.

I think his doctor is the best advisor of what he needs to heal but domestic abuse is something you have to overcome together so it just seems logical to me that if you can get counselling together and understand what's going on with one another better, it could only help.
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replied July 26th, 2009
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I m glade that you were able to get him to see that he needs help, i hope it works. you sound so much like my mother, my dad beat her and she was deep into church so she tried to make it work.
i hope your out come is different than mines, and i'll pray for you and your family.
my dad broke my mom arms, legs, and everything else. he beat me and my other three siblings. she stayed with him for 20+years. my sister and i had flash backs up until our mid 20's. it effected our attitudes, the relationships we got into, the way we parent our children. for example i never hit my son (13years old). my brother used to beat his wife and he is abusing his children. i m afraid his son will take after him.
the point of telling you is this thing doesnt die it grows.
so you asked when is it time to leave........You will know when it's time. but again i hope it works out.
Please talk to your kids!!!!
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Users who thank starship33 for this post: wendyrs 

replied July 26th, 2009
I have been talking to them and sad to say they are young my daughter 6 and my son 3.I have been telling my kids that I LOVE them and that daddy is going to be nice for now on, he's getting help,..My son keeps saying things like "he/she doesnt fight like daddy" or "your not mean like daddy". How SAD for him...cry.
So tonight/right now as I type my husband is in bed with our son telling him how much he loves us and that he will never do that again.
ServiceU I know what you are talking about because my husband learned the abuse from his dad and his dad from his dad....I didnt do my research on the man I married until it was to late...But I know I can leave at any time. I will not put up with this any more I will leave with my kids with as little as I need and get as far away as I can...I know there is away out. The only thing I can think with your mother is that maybe the was asking GOD to show her if she needed to leave and she didnt take the hint.
Thanks for the suppor!
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replied July 26th, 2009
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what's going on with your family is what i believe in. i would rather see a family stay together and work on their problems, to be happy and try to live in peace.
Good Luck!!!
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replied July 26th, 2009
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I wish you luck too. I really feel that with the help he is getting that he really wants to get better, and he can. Stay positive, especially around your children and I also hope your family can live together in peace. You're in my prayers.
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replied July 27th, 2009
What do I do?
I am in a pretty similar situation. I have been with my husband since I was 17. It has been a little over 9 years now. We have a 6 year old daughter and she cries saying shes scared. I ended up leaving this weekend and we went back last night to get clothes. My daughter was crying and sad that we were leaving and wanted us to move back in with daddy. Heres the thing. He says he will do anything to keep us in his life and the house. Which the big thing is alcohol. This is not the first time he has told me he would not drink. There was no physical abuse the first 6.5 years. It was violent about once a month for 6 months. Then it stopped. 2 weeks ago he punched my windshield and broke it (he was drunk). Then we argued the whole next weekend. and then this weekend it got violent and I left. I want to believe him for mine and my daughters sake, but I dont know if I have the try left in me. I have a very hard time trying to leave. I keep thinking is this the best choice. Verbal abuse has always been a part of our relationship and I am just drug down. I work full time and I go to college to be come an RN. He is always accusing me of cheating on him and I just cant have the same fight again. Can someone please give me some guidance. I would appreciate it. Thanks.
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replied July 27th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Hey Imsoconfused
It sounds like you're on a good path if you got out of that home with your daughter. You're right that promises tend to fall empty versus addiction. If you love your husband tell him that before you will talk with him about coming back that you need to see proof that he's attended a detox and he's started attending AA meetings. Alcoholism is the monster, not your husband. Watch after him after he has his head on straight. Help him avoid situations where drinking is going on.
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replied July 27th, 2009
Thanks Wolf I really appreciate that. I am at a point where I am so confused I truly dont know what to do. I am going to talk to him today but I will leave to let him know I am serious. I told him I needed my space to clear my head and if he truly loves me he will let me have that time. I love him and I probably always will no matter where our situation leads us.
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