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Why Do I Keep Saying Yes (Page 1)

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Do you guys find yourself saying YES to things that you later regret saying yes to?

How do I stop doing that? It's like Yes just comes out before I can say, "Let me think about it". And other times, even though I know that I should say NO and I have plenty of time to think about it - I STILL SAY YES.

What is wrong with me?
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replied October 31st, 2008
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i don't think that there is anything "wrong" with you. i don't know anything about you, so i'm probably wrong...ok? here's my guess though. you want to be accepted. you want to be liked (maybe even loved). you like people's attention and you get more of what you "want" from people when you do say "yes".

here's the problem. that can be very detrimental to your wellbeing. it also makes me wonder about your self-esteem. you don't say anything really about what you're saying "yes" to, but if you have regrets about it, then you are probably selling yourself short and allowing people to take advantage of you.

here's the solution. learn how to say no kindly. if you need to practice, i'll help you (i'm a pro at saying no). you can still be liked and respected and even loved if you learn to say no. when you do say no, you just made a commitment to yourself that you're going to do what you know is right.

then use your PRIDE to get you to keep that commitment to yourself. love yourself so others will see the value in loving you. respect yourself so others will see the value in showing you respect.

say yes all the time and you'll have people running over you forever. just for practice, tell me something that you said yes to in the last month, and why you would like to have said no. i'll tell you what to say that will be kind, but will preserve your sense of right-and-wrong, and will keep you from feeling the regret.

jasmine
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replied October 31st, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
I agree with Jazzy. Many people that are "yes" people are motivated by others perception of them. On some level the approval you receive from saying yes supercedes the rational reasons to decline and say no. Much of this occurs on a subconscious level and we are not aware of it. It takes soul searching to find reasons for why we behave as we do.

Try saying no to some simple things. The first time is hard. You may want to berate yourself and have feelings of guilt. Dig deep and ride it out. You will soon realize that the world did not collapse because you said no. In fact, people will just move on and find someone else to do for them. Many times people ask you to do things because they have your number and know you will say yes. You are probably considered reliable by those that know you. That is nice, however when this interferes with your life and makes you unhappy it goes beyond reliability. As you ALLOW yourself to say no you will find it liberating and feel a sense of freedom that you may have never known before. It is okay to be true to yourself. It is not selfish; it is self preservation. Try it! Just say no!
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replied November 1st, 2008
Experienced User
i agree with antigone completely.

i want to add a few things as well, and my primary point may surprise you.

when you say "yes" to someone else and it causes you regret, you have essentially said "no" to yourself. think about that for a minute before you read on.

what happens is that often times when you say yes to something you would regret saying yes to, you have said no to yourself because it's easier to disappoint yourself than whomever was asking you to do what you didn't want to do in the first place, but ended up agreeing to do it at your expense.

don't look at saying "no" to others as just that. look at it as if you are saying "yes" to yourself. be true to yourself and then people can respect you and admire you for being strong (even if they don't agree with you).

i admire and respect many people i don't agree with. everyone doesn't have to agree with you to respect you or admire you.

if a boy asks you to do something you don't want to do, tell him "no". the result will most likely not be what you expected. in all probability you just changed the dynamic in the relationship and made it a favorable dynamic for YOU.

not a thing wrong with that.

jasmine
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replied November 2nd, 2008
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Fabulous posts Jazzy - so much to think about and process. It truly is time for me to start saying YES to ME.

So I have a bunch of scenarios to give you (brief ones) but here are a few that would be helpful to get ideas on how to say NO to:

1) giving someone my phone number, business card, contact info

2) someone who wants to hang out a lot, who keeps calling and trying to make plans with me even though I've already told them many times that I have a lot going on,

3) that I don't want to continue dating them

4) that I don't really want to nurture a friendship with them (that I'd rather simply remain acquaintances)

5) that I don't want to contribute $10 for every coworkers birthday present, lunch, etc that we give as a group (I'm trying to save money!)

6) That I don't want to go to "x" or do "x" - whatever it may be

7) How in the world do you tell someone you want them to go home? I HATE THIS. People come over and have no idea when it's time to leave. And then they stay too late and always ask if they can stay the night, which is a major guilt trip for me if I say no.

Cool And how do you tell someone that you want to go home? Or that you need them to take you home?

I'll take any insights you - or anyone else - has on any of these!!!
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replied November 2nd, 2008
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soucie, you gave me some real brief questions, and i gave you back some real general answers. i have another suggestion for you. pick one of your scenarios, and give me the point at which you find yourself saying "yes, where you should say no", and i'll tell you how to handle that. other ppl, please chime in too and tell soucie what you think.

So I have a bunch of scenarios to give you (brief ones) but here are a few that would be helpful to get ideas on how to say NO to:

1) giving someone my phone number, business card, contact info.
Answer: You can't give a business card if you don't have one. Get them to give you theirs and say you'll try to remember to send them your contact info...don't remember. DONE!

2) someone who wants to hang out a lot, who keeps calling and trying to make plans with me even though I've already told them many times that I have a lot going on. Answer: Keep doing what you're doing. Nothing wrong with telling them that you have a lot going on. Don't you have caller ID? Just don't pick up the phone. DONE!

3) that I don't want to continue dating them. Answer: This is a toughy, but easy enough for me. Be kind and be honest. Just tell them TO THEIR FACE, that you really like them, but you just want to be friends with them. Tell them that you don't want to be mean in any way, but you feel that you just owe it to them and yourself to be honest. Tell them you hope they understand. (If they don't understand then it has to be THEIR problem to work through.) Drop it there. Don't continue to feed a relationship with that person in any way. DONE!

4) that I don't really want to nurture a friendship with them (that I'd rather simply remain acquaintances). Answer: Again, I'm back to the caller ID. Don't be rude if confronted, just say you're really busy and don't have time to hang out with them right now. OR, introduce them to someone LIKE them who wants to hang out with you all the time and then back away. DONE!

5) that I don't want to contribute $10 for every coworkers birthday present, lunch, etc that we give as a group (I'm trying to save money!) Answer: This is another toughy. Start with YOUR birthday. OR YOUR EVENT. Tell everyone to put in $5 a piece instead of $10 because you're watching your budget, and tell them you'd like to see the budget set at a MAX of $5 per person per event in the future. (you just saved 50%). DONE!

6) That I don't want to go to "x" or do "x" - whatever it may be. Answer: Really is situation dependent, but to give you a couple of options... (a) just say "awe thank you so much for inviting me, but I just wouldn't be interested in doing that right now". (b) tell them you already have plans...you'll have to catch up with them next time (c) thanks for asking me, but I'm really not into the whole "bar" scene right now... (d) give me something more specific and I'll give you some answers. DONE!

7) How in the world do you tell someone you want them to go home? I HATE THIS. People come over and have no idea when it's time to leave. And then they stay too late and always ask if they can stay the night, which is a major guilt trip for me if I say no. Answer: Sweetie. It's RUDE for ppl to do this. When ppl are this rude, just be kind but tell them well in advance of the time to go home. "hey, you're going to have to bust outta here early tonight, by 9:00pm. I've got to be in bed by 9:30 because I've got an early day tomorrow. Sometimes ppl are looking for you to tell them when it's time to go. Just tell them, be sweet but honest, that you've got to get some things done and you've got to get to bed. And DON'T feel guilty about it...just DO IT! DONE!

Cool And how do you tell someone that you want to go home? Or that you need them to take you home? Tell them upfront. I've got to be back to my apartment by 10:00 pm tonight. OR Take your own car and bust yourself out. Don't accept any other answer. Don't leave it for debate. YOU'RE a strong girl! Stand up for yourself! DONE!

don't you feel better soucie? the first time you do it, it will seem soooo hard. BUT once it's done, you'll be so proud of yourself and so happy, you'll want to do it again! and again!

here's a shout out to the others on here. give our girl some ideas on how to say no! i KNOW y'all can do it!
jasmine
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replied November 2nd, 2008
hey
well to your point 7 i think being independent and driving yourself to the place will remove the dependency of asking someone to drop you off..unless you are not supposed to drive or something..rest of the stuff...yea i get it..i like to please people too..wonder why..even people i really dont care about and i say yes when i really want to say..nope..dont wanna do it..maybe it is a deep rooted craving for approval and low self esteem issues..think about it..if thats the case..seek help to become more confident..the rest will follow naturally..and honestly if you are worried that saying 'no' is going to make the other person mad or unhappy with you enough to break off the relationship..good riddance..you dont really need such crappy people around you anyways who do not like it when you are being true to yourself..trying to be true to yourself is the hardest part...
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replied November 2nd, 2008
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Re: hey
sarrah_jessica wrote:
well to your point 7 i think being independent and driving yourself to the place will remove the dependency of asking someone to drop you off..unless you are not supposed to drive or something..rest of the stuff...yea i get it..i like to please people too..wonder why..even people i really dont care about and i say yes when i really want to say..nope..dont wanna do it..maybe it is a deep rooted craving for approval and low self esteem issues..think about it..if thats the case..seek help to become more confident..the rest will follow naturally..and honestly if you are worried that saying 'no' is going to make the other person mad or unhappy with you enough to break off the relationship..good riddance..you dont really need such crappy people around you anyways who do not like it when you are being true to yourself..trying to be true to yourself is the hardest part...


you just said it all sarra_jessica! except ONE THING!
don't go faulting yourself for wanting to please everyone. we girls are brought up SERVING other people and trying to make everyone happy. it's our culture! not us as individuals! we're not weak, we're just misdirected! we need to learn to stand up for ourselves! we don't have to be [email protected] if we're kind and diplomatic in the way we stand up for ourselves. we are confident, mature, strong women!

jasmine
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replied November 3rd, 2008
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Thank you guys... this is all very helpful!

Okay, to get more specific; one of the problems I run into is that the phone number or business card this is often with people who I will run into again and again. For instance, every month I go to an event. Each time I met at least a few people who want my number and contact info. I can forget to call them, but I will keep running into them over and over again.

Even with friends wanting to hang out... I have a guy who visits a friend in my complex regularly, so he sees me lying out at the condo pool all the time. I don't return his calls but then he sees me later that weekend in my complex. How do I respond to these very, very awkward situations?

It becomes clear that I am blowing them off, and yet they continue to chase and chase and chase and then they get all mad and hurt when I am non responsive or decide to do other things not involving them.

GUYS: if a woman is interested in you, you will know it without a doubt. It will be extremely clear. If you have to be the one chasing her, stop embarrassing yourself and give up already. I feel like I'm being constantly harassed by these men who absolutely cannot take a hint - even when I give that hint very clearly over and over and over again.
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replied November 3rd, 2008
hey soucie
tell them you are NOT interested clearly..dont try to explain or give excuses..thats where we get caught and end up feeling bad and probably accept a pity date or something..when we try to explain ourselves..dont try to explain yourself or give a reason as to why you are saying NO. Just simply say NO and move on...tell me if that works out or not..
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replied November 4th, 2008
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soucie wrote:
Thank you guys... this is all very helpful!

Okay, to get more specific; one of the problems I run into is that the phone number or business card this is often with people who I will run into again and again. For instance, every month I go to an event. Each time I met at least a few people who want my number and contact info. I can forget to call them, but I will keep running into them over and over again.

Even with friends wanting to hang out... I have a guy who visits a friend in my complex regularly, so he sees me lying out at the condo pool all the time. I don't return his calls but then he sees me later that weekend in my complex. How do I respond to these very, very awkward situations?

It becomes clear that I am blowing them off, and yet they continue to chase and chase and chase and then they get all mad and hurt when I am non responsive or decide to do other things not involving them.

GUYS: if a woman is interested in you, you will know it without a doubt. It will be extremely clear. If you have to be the one chasing her, stop embarrassing yourself and give up already. I feel like I'm being constantly harassed by these men who absolutely cannot take a hint - even when I give that hint very clearly over and over and over again.


i agree with sarrah_jessica when she says just say "NO". i have a slightly different tack on it which is to be as kind as possible when you say it (the FIRST TIME). but say it nonetheless, and mean it. stick to your guns girl! say yes to YOU!

the other thing is that YOU don't have to feel awkward, let them feel awkward (if they insist). when you're at these business gatherings and such, and when you're approached, just tell them that you're flattered by their interest, but that you're "unavailable" right now. you ARE unavailable...to HIM! you don't need to lie and say you have a b/f or a g/f or anything...just say, i appreciate your interest, but i'm unavailable right now. that's it. if someone asks you to explain, just smile and say, "if i wanted you to understand more about my unavailability, i'd have explained that to you". i hope my statement can stand for itself and walk the heck OFF! be done with him.

don't be rude, just be firm. if confronted with rudeness, turn the pressure up a notch, but still be pleasant, and then be done with it. if the person says anything else, just say something like "i don't know how well this method of chasing unavailable women works for you, but it's not going to work with me...now i'd like to remain friendly with you unless you insist that i can't...it's up to you".

these guys who come up to you at the pool...or where ever, just use the same words with them. if he knows you don't have a b/f or anything and you just say you're unavailable at the moment, and he wants to question it, then just be blunt and say, "i didn't say i was unavailable to anyone, i said i was unavailable to you".

hugs and kisses
jasmine <~~~sweet soft southern girl, but she has a bit of a mean streak
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replied November 5th, 2008
hey jazzy
your advise sounds good..hope it helps soucie.
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replied November 7th, 2008
Experienced User
This is all really good stuff... Jazzy, you were right; you are the queen of saying NO.

I did have another situation tonight that I didn't know what to do with:

A new friend invited me to his bible study at his home on Saturday. Well, I fall within the Buddhist/Taoist camp, so the bible study isn't something I would be interested in. How should I have declined that?

I did what I always do which is, "Sounds good... Let me check my calendar". Kicking myself now...
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replied November 7th, 2008
My little grain of salt...
As a guy, maybe I'm sticking my nose in a thread I shouldn't be, but here's my two cents anyways.

Based on my experiences and observations from other guys...I've found that each woman tend to deal with the "NO" issue differently, but each woman tends to respond fairly consistently depending on her "NO"-ness type. (Dating or "other" requests anyways...)

1)Aggressive: Usually a resounding no with little care for the guy's feelings. This usually works well, except that it creates confrontation and hostility. Normal guy will get the message, but having been emasculated/embarrassed/challenged....you' ve probably made an enemy. This approach should be avoided unless you prefer to avoid the company of men....unless the guy is acting like a stalker and then you just might not have any other choice.

2)Strong and Confident: Usually a firm but polite no. The woman CLEARLY says no, but in a polite way that doesn't embarrass or emasculate the guy. Probably the best way. Done right, the guy usually (unless he's a stalker) gets the message without being offended. This is usually the best way to go. You don't have to feel strong and confident, but you have to appear strong and confident for this to work.

3)Unable to say NO: The woman is unable to say no and either says YES or avoids the question. This is very bad....if you say YES you're caught up somewhere you don't want to be, if you avoid the question, the guy may continue asking over and over again....a lot of guys like the "chase".

4)Ambiguous/Mixed Messages: A lot of women do this without knowing it. Sorry to say, but when a guy asks for a date or "something else", he's probably not looking for a friend. I ask friends out for a beer, not for a romp at my place or a romantic dinner. When you say "No but we can be friends instead" to a guy (unless this guy is already a long time friend) he doesn't hear that....what he really hears is "Not right now but maybe later". He'll probably wait a little and then try to move in again later.

If you want to say "NO" to a guy's request for a date or "something else", the best approach is usually the Strong and Confident approach. If he doesn't get the message or if he's a stalker, then the Aggressive approach may become necessary. Avoid the Unable to Say No and the Mixed Messages approaches. We guys aren't able to read the nuances of feminine language. If you say NO but leave the door open, guarantee the guy will try to move in again a little later.

My two cents....and to be taken with a BIG grain of salt!
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replied November 8th, 2008
Experienced User
jonathan56. WELL PUT!

soucie, soucie, soucie!

just say NO baby! when someone invites you to a bible study and you're not a bible person, just say something like: "That is so kind of you to offer, but I'm a Buddhist/Taoist and because of that, I'm not interested."

here's the thing. if he knew you were a Buddhist/Taoist, then he would probably have NEVER invited you to a bible study.

more likely, what he was doing by asking you to a bible study is asking the question "are you a Christian?". you answered "yes".


i wonder soucie if you're not just getting nervous about these situations and blurting out whatever comes out of your mouth that's "in favor" of the person asking the question. think about this. people don't want to hear "yes" necessarily. what they want is to be your friend (or something else...maybe boyfriend).

instead of getting nervous and just blurting out an answer, think about what the person is asking. if they ask "are you a Christian", you wouldn't say "yes". you'd say no. that's all this guy asked you effectively.

i used to have a hard time remembering ppls names. i'd choke at the last second and could forget the name of my best friend if i was introducing ppl. i realized that i was just getting nervous and that was blowing my cool. once i calmed down, i had no problems remembering ppls names etc.

just relax and take a breath. when someone asks you a question, give yourself a second or two to think about your answer before you blurt something out. don't be so eager to give an answer that you blow it. i'd rather there be a minute of silence between someone asking me a question and my "well thought out" answer than to respond instantly and give an answer that doesn't match my intent.

don't be afraid of silence. i'm in sales. i learned a good lesson. when you make your point (or ask your question), just shut up and wait for the response. get comfortable with that moment (or two) of silence. the result will be in your favor most times.

silence isn't your enemy. if you hesitate for a moment before giving an answer to a question you won't appear stupid, it will appear that you're preparing to give an answer that you've thought through. that's considerate.

jasmine
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replied November 9th, 2008
Experienced User
This is fabulous... Today I was skating at the beach and a guy stopped me and said he would love to take me to lunch sometime. Remembering Jonathan's advice, I said very nicely but firmly and confidently, "I am not doing the dating thing right now". Of course he asked why and I was polite; I answered the question but didn't go into the usual level of detail that I normally would. He asked for my number and remembering Jasmine's advice, I said, "No. I'm here every weekend, you don't need my number." I agreed to take his business card and I vaguely said that maybe I'd email him.

It was easy! Thanks everyone...

Now I still have to spend some time exploring the root issue of why I say yes to other people and say no to myself. But I think I am off to a good start.

Jonathan - thanks so much the guy's perspective. I think sometimes I say maybe when I just feel like I can't say no or don't know how to say no. I think many of us are socialized to say yes to everything and we never really get the proper training on how to stand up for what WE want and do what WE want to. And men are socialized that anything but a firm, aggressive NO NO NO means the door is open.

Jasmine - I'm going to work on the pausing thing a bit and see if I can make some good use of a little silent pause before responding to things. Thank you for such a great idea on that....

~ soucie
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replied November 13th, 2008
Glad I could help
I'm always glad to help! Or try at least...

Soucie....I agree. We're socialized to be TOO polite sometimes, and a lot of women are socialized to say yes when really they want to say no.

I remember this little song we had to learn in grade school:

My body's nobody's body but mine!
You run your own body, let me run mine!

My nose was made to sniff and to sneeze
To smell what I want, and to pick when I please!
[or - To smell what I want, and to blow when I please!]

My lungs were made to hold air when I breathe,
I am in charge of just how much I need!

My legs were made to dance me around
To walk and to run and to jump up and down!

My mouth was made to blow-up a balloon
I can eat, kiss and spit, I can whistle a tune!
[or - I can eat, kiss and sing, I can whistle a tune!]

No one knows my body better than me
It tells me, "Let's eat!", it tells me "Go pee!"

Don't hit me or kick me, don't push or shove
Don't hug me too hard when you show me your love

Sometimes it's hard to say "No!" and be strong
When those"No!" feelings come, then I know something's wrong

'Cause My body's mine from my head to my toe
Please leave it alone when you hear me say "No!"

Secrets are fun when they're filled with surprise
But not when they hurt us with tricks, threats and lies

Our body's one body, one voice is heard
We each sing for freedom when we sing these words!
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replied November 13th, 2008
Experienced User
good song jonathan! i like that!

jasmine
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replied November 14th, 2008
Experienced User
Wow. The only song I learned was:

"Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Knees and Toes."

Jonathan, that song would have been MUCH more useful to me. What a difference THAT would have made.

LOL.

~soucie
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replied November 14th, 2008
Experienced User
soucie...
i bet a boy taught you that song! hahahaha...and when you were touching your knees and toes, knees and toes...

oh my!
hehehe
jasmine
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