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Hi, I'm 18. I hit myself when I get angry. I've been doing this since December. First it started with my arms and legs, but now I mostly hit my face and my head, I do it as hard as I can. I start with my face, then my head, and then everything else. I have even used a hammer to hit my legs and arms. I cannot look at the mirror without hitting myself.

I've read other posts where people say they don't know why they like to do this, but I don't even like it. I don't like it at all. I don't know why I do this, I really don't. I'm afraid.

I've tried suicide before, years ago. I tried it several times, but even in those times if I heard of someone who did this I would think that person would be insane, stupid, or mad.

I don`t and have never cut. I've always been (and am) against that behavior. But this hitting myself thing, I cannot control it.

Since four days ago, when I look at the mirror I get thoughts like: "You are ugly / you're so ugly you don't deserve to live / all of your friends are way prettier than you, you can't compete with any of them / why did I born this way? / why am I so ugly?" But I know I this isn't the reason. I hit myself before getting these thoughts, plus I am beautiful, always been called "perfect, barbie, beautiful, pretty, doll" and stuff and always had self esteem.

Even when I tried to suicide I knew I was beutiful. I wanted to die for other reasons: mom used to call me monster, demon, said I'd ruined her life, asked God outloud "why did you send me this monster to torment me and ruin my life?", even my sister once asked me to do it, so I would make mom happier and her life easier. People I loved died, got sick or made drugs. Everything in too short time. Lost faith (wich I regained and still have). Stormy romance.

Never used drugs, cigarretes, or alcohol. Never had eating disorders.

Please, if anyone can help me I will be entirely grateful.
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First Helper lifedog77
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replied March 3rd, 2013
Hey I know exactly how you feel. I'm an eighteen year old male with bipolar disorder. I've been engaging in self harm ever since I was a kid. As a kid, when ever I did something wrong my dad would punish me by yelling at me and sometimes smacking me. After my dad punished me I would lock myself in the washroom and punish myself. I would begin by punching myself in the face as hard as I could. I would call myself names like "Stupid, Idiot, Retard". When I was done hitting myself I would look in the mirror with tears in my eyes and say "I hate you". These episodes eventually came to an end. Throughout my childhood my friends bullied me. Then as a teenager I entered Depression. I gave up at school by not taking notes or doing any homework. In bed I would think about my life and get angry at myself for ruining. This is when I took up self harm again. But rather than punching my face I would punch my legs. I was having suicidal thoughts and I almost made an attempt. Eventually I had to go to the hospital and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type One. I was eventually discharged from the hospital and I now take meds every night. I also see a clinical psychiatrist regularly. Now even though I am no longer depressed, I still get stressed, and I still engage in self harm. I punch my legs and also my arms. Bruises develop on my arms but not my legs. I attempted to bruise my legs by hitting them with a hammer, but there was still no bruises. I never took up cutting and I never will because bruises are temporary and scars are permanent. We seem to have a lot in common, but one thing I've never experienced is a family member saying such horrible things to me. I can only imagine the pain you feel when your mother says that you ruined her life or when your sister tells you to commit suicide. But even though on the outside it appears that they hate you and want you out of their lives, just remember that deep down they still love you and don't want you gone.
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replied March 23rd, 2013
Thanks a lot, and yes, we seem to have a big lot in common. It helped me so much to read this because I was really standing at the edge. By the way, my psychiatrist told me it was "retained anger", she said I was so angry on my insides and also my will not to hurt anyone or destroy anything was so big, I was hitting myself so I could could get rid of it. Your post was really really helpful, thank you so much. Now that I read this, Im interested about finding out if Im also bipolar, I think I might be, someway it would make sense.
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replied April 14th, 2013
dont hit your self or tourment yourselfs. god love you gives you strengh and died for u who r u gonna die for your self or to make u feel better .no god never left u just pray your life away if you commit sucide you might as well go to hell cause thats whats gonna happen love your self you dont how many people have diaseaes and whish to live and you have an opportonity to enjoy ur life dont let others mess it up.
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replied March 12th, 2014
Thank you for your comment, but I've already been told by two or more psychologists I do not have Bi Polar disorder.
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replied February 25th, 2015
I'm a 26 year old woman and have done this too. You're not crazy and God is not mad at you. Your mother and sister should not have called you a monster and told you kill yourself. My mom would say nearly identical things to me and my dad would blame me for their marriage issues. I hope that those afflicted by anger and self-hatred can separate from internal lies about themselves that should not have been said and realize a different identity that is love. Love covers a multitude of sins, love prevails and never stops. That's real and for you. I apologize on behalf of the loved ones who caused you harm. They will wish they could one day. There is NO condemnation for you. No guilt and no price to pay. You are perfect. I love you and I know God does too. I'm sorry for the pain you feel. I know how it feels and it's awful. But I know there is a peace too that exists in forgiveness of yourself and others. Peace. Wholeness. Blessings.
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replied August 22nd, 2015
bi polar
im 18 i do the same they say im worthless in life i wont ever live to be anything mom says im sick mental in the head butt i dont think its my fault. my mom has bi polar issues my dad was smart butt he was kidnapped when i was 17 i lost my brother when i was 7 i think its just everything i bottle up which makes me like this. i dont feel insane but yet i dont feel sane its weird i hitt myself i blow out of no where they hear me but say nothing i feel like idk just wish i new why everybody judges instead of helpin me
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replied January 2nd, 2018
I am a 18 year old female, when I was like 4 or 5 I used to beat myself and bang my head against the wall just because I wanted attention and no one would give it to me . I started realizing I'm a no one and I am gonna die alone, no one wants me and everyone hates me, my brother molested me and my mother blamed it on me. I beat myself to this day to just feel again . I am a shell with no soul left, I have no feeling what so ever, I hit myself until I can't even recognize my face anymore. I cut until my arm looks amazing, my life is all messed up the only reason I haven't killed my self yet is because of my father, if I die he dies alil inside and I can't put him through that pain again.
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replied March 14th, 2018
Life et al
I am sorry to hear all of that, I wish I had relatable life experiences that could be used to help, but it would be futile to try and and equivilate traumatic life experiences in my life to yours. I will say your reasoning for not commiting suicide is spot on and impressive. Offing yourself will never kill the pain or the lack thereof, it merely pays it forward to those close to you (and if you think "AHAH!LOOPHOLE! NOONE GIVES A CRAP ABOUT ME SO I CAN KILL MYSELF" then I am sad (and happy) to inform you that that is an incorrect observation because I love you. and no, you don't need to know someone to love them, you don't need to be related, you don't need to be close to someone or experience life with them, all that you need is the knowledge that they are human and the empathy to wish that they never feel the meaningless emptiness and darkness that envelopes your day to day). I'm 23, my first memory is at the age of 4 when I was hugging my mother good bye due to cancer, my second, being escorted out of the funeral crying because I had asked where mommy was and wanted to see her and no one would tell me (not that these are necessarily relatable or and certainly not equivalent to anyone elses experience, but the reaction and effect might be). Since then, emptiness. No motivation, no sense of self. The will to live? Absent. The drive and sense of purpose that everyone else seems to have? A darn illusion. My thought process, everything was fine when really nothing was. Why complain and grieve when you know how bad things can get and how they can be so much worse (which is literally a thought process that would be a positive for 99% of people given the self importance of society, but of course I had to find a way to even mess that up). We hurt ourselves for different reason, mine being due to to split second overflow of built up pressure from supressed emotions/anxiety. yours sounds more to just feel anything. The thing is, I'm almost certain you feel. It's there, the only reason I know is because I've tricked myself into believing the same. I Remember in Highschool I was sitting at my Grandpa's funeral saying to myself "just feel sad, just cry. You been down this road, you know exactly where it leads, for once in your pathetic life just cry, don't wait 6 years from now when your alone in bed at night" . The question is do these feelings come out in a more natural manner, or are they bottled up inside and surpressed. Like I deffinetly could be wrong (and normally I am), but it sounds like when your cutting yourself it is not just about feeling "pain", it's about feeling everything you supressed in the past. Normally, your brain has the capacity to to restrict itself and you can put up these walls that keep you in line and hide your emotions. But when hurting yoursef your brain is overloaded with pain, and it deals with managing the pain instead of managing the emotional part of your brain. So suddenly all those self imposed barriers are gone and emotion overwhelms you. You can feel, you can cry. And crying is a beautiful thing. It is the rejection of every societal norm and social barrier, an overflow of pure raw emotion. Which is why when someone tries to hand a sobbing person a box of tissue I slap that out of their hands. "Get that weak stuff out of here Kathy, she doesn't need to 'clean herself up' or 'get herself together' theres nothing wrong with tears. They don't hurt you, they heal you.". Obviously supression is not a healthy way to deal with anything really and I wish I had an easy answer, but I do not as I still struggle with supressing thoughts and emotions, to the point where I still drink in order to cry. But you talked about it, and that is the ever important first step. Hopefully some of this is of use and not total speculative !**@! (wouldn't be the first time, wont be the last!).
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