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Why do I cut my thighs?

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So I started cutting in 5th grade...I remember the very first time I cut was at the very beginning of 5th grade, it was nothing too serious, just a few cuts on the top of my wrist. I remember I was having trouble finding a new best friend, as my old one and I had a falling out and I was in a diffeent class than most of my friends, so I felt really alone. I eventually made new best friends, and didn't think about cutting for a long time.

Then, later that year, I did it again after a large yelling/screaming all-out brawl-out fight with my dad. It was one of many. I was extremely pissed/depressed. I used to read a lot of manga, and one book I was reading, there was a girl who had cut herself. I don't think I was too sure of what it meant, just that it was something you did when you were sad, so I tried it. My mom came into the room and saw it, freaked out and told my dad, and I kept saying over and over it was an accident.

I didn't do it for a while, as I was always afraid my parents would catch me again. I went through 6th grade without doing anything. The in 7th grade, I think I cut myself again during the year after another fight with my father.
Everything else was going fine, but my dad would continually isolate me from my friends and constantly find something I did to be wrong/bad/annoying/childish/aggravating/fi ll in the blank with any other negative words. I remember, sometimes if I laughed too loud/too much, he would get mad.

My parents finally divorced that summer, and I went through 8th grade okay. I did pick up a habit of cutting my thighs, but it only happened a few times.
Now, this year in 9th grade, things are going pretty well. I have finally started to figure out at least the idea of who I would like to be, made a lot of friends, have a nice boyfriend, and my parents are very slack. My grades are okay, a's, b's, c's, and I am more happy with my body image than I've ever been.
However, this is also the year I've cut myself the most.
I tend to get VERY depressed/emotional/annoyed when I'm PMS'ing, and that's usually when I take some scissors and cut myself, always on my thighs. I have scars now from all the times from cutting episodes, which has never happened before.The usual problem is that they're not too deeep, it's just there are so many in a concentrated area.

Recently though, I've cut a small, small little bit on my wrist, neck and stomach, but thought better of it as people would see.
I don't cut myself too often, only about every month or so.

However, I would like to know why I cut myself first. I know I have a perfectionist mindset sometimes, so if I'm not that funny that day or I'm feeling really stressed about grades or friends or just life in general, or I feel like no one likes me, or fat/ugly/etc., I usually just can't deal with it at all, like there is nothing else that gets my emotions out.
When I cut, I feel like I'm letting those emotions escape from me, it calms me down a lot.

I've done research and it says most people cut because they never learned how to deal with their emotions in the past. I figured that would be true for me, as whenever I was upset or angry my dad would tell me to stop crying or to stop being so gloomy, always stop this stop that stopstop.

He was also extremely controlling, I was not allowed videogames as a child, he would go most of my library books when I brought them home in case there was anything "inappropiate", only let me listen to certain music. He always made me feel bad if I asked to use the computer, like it was such a big deal, even if it was for schoolwork. I have a hard time asking even my mom now about permission for stuff. Just basically a lot of other stuff too.

I know I have a lot better life than most people, but I just don't know what to do.
I have told my best friend, who is there for me 100% and wants to do anything to stop me from doing this:/

I figured I should tell my mom at some point, but the thing is, I already have issues with her in the "perfect daughter" department as she is extremely athletic, and I like sports but am not super-excerisce girl, and I've always felt like she was disappointed in me for this, also my grades aren't awesome, and I feel like telling her I cut would just be admitting that I'm a failure completely. I feel like such a failure right now.
However, I am very close with her, she is more like a sister at times than a mom. She is a complete opposite than my dad, and her and my stepdad are known as the "chill parents" now. But again, I feel like she'd think I'm a failure/selfish because despite all of this happiness, I still cut.

Plus, I have no idea how she'd react. We've talked about going into therapy before, but I always said it was mostly because of my dad/the divorce, and nothing ever happened. She understands that my dad has messed me up as well as her, but I think she underestimates it.

I just don't know when/how I should tell her? What if she sees me as a complete failure? Am I a failure because I cut, don't excersice a ton( I'm not overweight though), and I don't get great grades(nothing under d's though, just a few c's:/)?
Would you see your kid as a failure?
Why do I cut on my thighs, as opposed to wrists/etc?

Thank you

Sorry for all the "my life sucked my dad sucks" but I need something to let this all out to.
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replied April 3rd, 2011
I have 2 little girls of my own and I want to start by saying I would NEVER think they were failures if they had this problem. NEVER! I think you should tell someone. Maybe a school counselor or a teacher you trust? If you're not ready to tell your parents,just tell someone. I also want you to know that I have cut myself also. I use to cut my ankles and legs. I'm assuming you cut your legs for the same reason I did. Nobody can see them.
I think with the right help or the right person to help you,you can overcome this. Maybe therapy,antidepressants,or learning how to better deal with your emotions. I think alot of the reason you cut,does stem from your father. He always controlled you and you took control when you started cutting. YOU control the cuts,how deep,how many,when where. Its all up to you
I want you to know that you can get help and make a better life for yourself. You are young and have so much of life left to live. I overcame it and have not cut for about 3 years. It IS possible! Now I have a wonderful husband and amazing children and I don't even consider cutting as an option. I am also on antidepressants and they helped me ALOT.
I know we don't know each other but I am here if you need someone to talk to. Good luck sweetie! PLEASE talk to someone!!!!
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replied April 3rd, 2011
Oh and btw...I don't exercise either lol:)
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replied April 5th, 2011
Oh really wonderful information. Thanks for sharing information.
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replied January 27th, 2012
thanks for posting this. i struggle with cutting too and i understand the not wanting to tell because of feeling like a failure as well. good luck, i can tell you are a strong person and i wish you the best in life.
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replied March 8th, 2012
I use to cut my ankles and legs. I'm assuming you cut your legs for the same reason I did. Nobody can see them.

i dont know if i quoted that right... but im a cutter and i started cutting my wrists but then went to cutting my thighs because nobody can see them im very self consious and shy which other than family problems is the reason i cut. I would like to help you so message me!!
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