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Why am I upset that my abusive father is dying?

I'm confused. My parents physically, emotionally and mentally abused me until I got married (and a bit since). My childhood was a nightmare. I first considered suicide at 8. I hate them, I really do. But I feel this unbearable responsibility to look after them. I'm an only child and there is no-one else. Now Dad is dying and I'm really upset. WHY?????????
I used to dream about being an orphan, not to have these people who I couldn't escape constantly belittling, shaming and torturing me. What is wrong with me? I feel like I'm losing my mind. Right now all I can remember is the beatings and the threats and the fear and yet I keep bursting into tears at the thought of him dying.
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replied November 9th, 2012
Because they're your biological parents. It's natural I'm afraid. However, if these parents only make you feel bitter or anger towards them, you could cut all contact with them.
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replied November 11th, 2012
well people have different types of relationships with their real parents, and their biological parents. And I do understand that you might have feelings for either of them. But if your dad has been treating you like crap and at one point you literately wanted to run away from home or kill yourself. So if my dad was dying and I hated him for my whole life, I would go and visit him, but my feeling for him wouldn't change.
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