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Which attitudes of mine vs my partner's are emotionally abusive?

So, I just got out of my first (and my partner's first) relationship. After 4 years of being together. We had a bit of problems always, but lately (also after long distance) things started going much worse. Though we ended up in good terms, with also the possibility of restarting but with the aim of improving upon ourselves independently of the future. Thing is, after doing a lot of thinking, and reading a lot, so many behaviors described as 'emotionally abusive' seemed to come up. I do not even know how we stayed together so long. Another thing though, I read that there is no such thing as being abusive to each other (is that true?), as there is one partner exerting control. Abusive traits of the other partner might just be a defense. After reading this, I do not know if either one of us, and whom, was actually abusive, as I seemed to have half the trait described as 'emotional abuse' flags, and he seems to have the other half.

Also, should say that another way of analysis of the relationship lead me to think that: I was incapable of loving him as much as myself, and he was incapable of relationship commitment, both due to our crazy family situations as kids/teenagers.

Clearly, independently if either one of us was actually ever 'emotionally abusive', I know I want to grow and get rid of the traits of me which are 'abusive' of a partner. But I want to know more, I want to know what should I accept in a future partner and what should indicate me to leave. Plus, if I was 'abusive' and my partner's action were just a reaction to me, I want to learn which 'flags' to notice to realize I'm acting wrong.

Can someone with experience please help me figure out what was the state of our relationship? Was I an abusive partner, was he? Should I change something else about myself other then 'my actions' stated below? Should I avoid a partner which has any/too many of the characteristics stated under 'my partner's actions', or are those just a reaction to me acting wrong?

My actions:
- Overlooking my partner's individual needs for those of the relationship. Often pressured him to spend more time together in relationship activities, giving up time he felt he needed to study, work, exercise, hang out with people.
- After big fights, try to stop him from living the house (maybe twice / 3 times a year).
- When he finally pushes me away and leaves, I would try to call him a lot of times and possibly even find him to ask him to talk about the fight with me and not just leave
- Ask him to not spend so much on games / electronics (only after we started living together and talked about buying a house).
- Talked him into doing activities I liked though initially he did not think they were worth the time.
- Asked him privacy-invading questions and infos (never did anything behind his back though).
- Did not give him enough appreciation for his accomplishments and dreams, I did a bit but then overshadow them with relationship-related accomplishments and dreams.
- When I had personal problems of my own, unrelated to him, I would snap at him for every smallest thing, and say often 'why do you not care/understand?', so our conversations would include a lot of my yelling.
- I found myself acting in ways for the sole purpose of getting more of my partner's attention.
- Twice had happened that I said something like 'if you keep yelling and insulting me, I'll drive home right now and leave you here' while we were far from our place and only I had the car. Has not happened in a year.

My partner's action:
- Start calling me names (foul language or 'retarded' / 'pity' ...) at most initially small fights
- Withhold being nice to me / doing something together that we planned / having anything to do with me, after a medium fight. Original explanation: 'otherwise you will never learn to act better'. Though looking back at the situation after weeks, he'd say that he did it only cause he was hurt. (I know if the truth is the second reason, it is not abuse, but why would he say the first reason every time in the moment?).
- After we became long distance, the above became: many small fight we would have over the phone, he'd hang up and not be reachable for a few days. This improved over time though, less times he hanged up and maybe he would answer the next day.
- Most times, when we have different opinions about something related to the relationship, and I bring it up, the first reaction I get is 'why do I have to deal with this retarded opinions?', 'why do you like wasting my time?'. If I truly want to discuss the topic, I have to act calm and sweet.-talk until he agrees on talking about it. After a while we talk, he's going to want to stop as I am just wasting his time.
- If I tell him that his words/attitudes really hurt me, he is going to say 'you are too sensitive', 'you create problems out of nothing', 'what about how you treated me?'
- When I make the mistake, and treat him badly (yell at him). Then I apologize. For days after, he is not going to act nice to me and tell me + write me how bad of a person I have become and how he does not have esteem for me. And sometimes for over a month he is going to be hyper harsh on things about me like being physically inactive or too messy... Then say that he is sorry, he was subconsciously still hurt for when I lack him of appreciation
- similarly, often says he is treating me badly just cause he is still hurt from what I did to him.
- does not show compassion or emotional availability. When I ask him why, says I am too whiny, I need to learn how to deal with my own emotions, he doesn't see the benefit of him attending to some attitude so pity. (I cry and would need his emotional support between once and twice a month). Gives me no emotional security, as when I need emotional support I am probably going to receive just even more criticism and harshness.
- one time he hit me, 3 years ago, never happened again. Another time 2 years ago threw stuff at me, never happened again. Few times he broke my stuff / through stuff around the room /out of the window. Has not happened in over a year.

Things that we accuse each other of doing. I see it as he does it, but he accuses me of doing this, so I can't be sure who is right.
- Sometimes partner A realize they did something wrong, or just realize how much they love partner B. Partner A goes to the other person with an open heart, telling how much they care for B, and asking for forgiveness. Partner B is not going to accept the apology, but is going to take the occasion of A admitting their wrong to make it sink in even more with harsh judgement, and being impassive to how much they hurt A in the process, tears and so on.
- Treating the partner A in a condescending way, as if partner B knew better about it all.
- Many times, we see specific instances in very different ways (absurd how different), we both think we were right and our partner was the one mostly at fault / making the initial mistake. Lots of hurtful words and blaming.
- We over-criticize the other for more or less trivial things. (I brought up many times how he did not organize to come see me when our relationship turned long distance, how he would not call me more often than every 3 days, how I came to visit him and he would be out 12 hours per day - though only 8 for work... He brought up every day when I was there visiting how lazy I was, so physically unfit that he had to stop and wait for me when we were walking home with groceries, I did not cook or clean as much as him, I made such a bug deal about carrying the food back and forth from his work when I met him for lunch)
- Partner A says Partner B has given them disapproving look and body language for months, making them feel inferior.
- We accuse each other of not have cared /seen the other's feelings for a while
- Hard to accept criticism from the other

*one thing we never did to each other is to involve other people, talk about about the other and so on... We always kept a respectful image of our partner with others, actually people think our relationship is perfect from the outside.

Thank you so much for your help!
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