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When the life means nothing to me but a lake of fire

Hello everyone who reads this. my name is Kasra 26 years old, male and living in a blastedhole named Iran. I'll surely have some misspelling and grammar mistakes hope you forgive me.

I just wanted to talk to someone and share the pain in my soul, the story begins when I was 12. my parents were always fighting and on that time it was their worst era of relationship. at the day when my father was at work I had to hold my out of control mom and avoid a big embarrassment because my mom always wanted to go to my father's store and start screaming and swearing him in public. on the other hand I had an older sister(she was 19 at the time) and she was so upset about the situation and I was the only place she knew to unload all those psychological complexes by beating the sh out of me. at nights I had to sleep with my mom's screams and very annoying noises of them fighting each other. in this little happy family I had an older brother also. he was 24(12 years older than me) who started to sexually abuse me from my age of 12 to 16. school was not any better because we had a mental principal and he always enjoyed humiliating me in front of teachers and other students I had no place to go, no one to talk and I was feeling so guilty, embarrassed and dirty for what my brother was doing to me.
After finishing school I went to university studying engineering but I got expelled because I didn't take any class and was sitting in home and just suffering from pains of my past.

I was in a strong love with a girl and I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman and a healthy sex is between a grown man and a grown woman but sometimes my sexual fantasies are about homosexuality and I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT. Its really painful to do something or even think about something that you strongly believe it's wrong.

Right now here I sit in my room and when I think about my past I can't remember any joy, when I look at my present I see only pain and when I think about my future it has absolutely nothing for me. sometimes I think about taking a knife out take that pedo's life. sometimes I think about suicide but I don't feel any power left in me to do any of them.
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