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When does it get better?

Since I was 12 years old I've been diagnosed with depression. I'm 28 now. I tried to commit suicide when I was 16 and ended up in charter. Had a therapist, took the medications... Every one always told me, "things will get better".

About four years ago, my brother died from a drug overdose, unintentional. I lost my job, started drinking a lot, gained weight, slept a lot. Became an actual hermit. I had no insurance so I couldn't get any medication. And as well, I suppose I didn't try very hard either to seek help.

It's been four years, I have a little girl now, a 15 month old. I thought with the birth of my beautiful baby girl that it would fill the void, give me something to live for. I'm even more saddened at the thought, that with her love in my life, I am still not able to cope. I do not have a job, every time I get one, I get depressed after about two weeks and quit. I can't seem to do anything but simply take care of my daughter. Cleaning the house has become a struggle and all I want to do is lay in bed all day.

I am constantly burdened by thoughts of my self-worth. That no one loves me and I don't deserve love. I feel as if my parents traumatized me, and here I am 28 years old and I can't get past the fact that they emotionally, mentally, and physically (hitting) abused me. I just recently had to tell them to stop calling me stupid, for fear that my daughter would pick up on it.

Every thing I once enjoyed, that kept me going, is pointless to me now. I feel like a ghost. Like, there's no point in trying. I'm not suicidal I just wish I never existed.

I know I'm not the only one with these feelings, but god, how it makes you feel that way...

This is not me. I use to (even with years of depression) find some outlet that was worthwhile... now, I feel hollow. I feel like the light I once had in me, is gone. I've become indifferent. Restless, but nothing more then a blob on a couch.

Four years I've basically sat in my house and now I'm terrified to go out... for fear that people are watching me, judging me. The anxiety is too much. And I'm afraid of I will hinder my daughter's progress interacting with others (because of my inability to go out of the house).

I've lost the will to actually live, I am just existing... and hardly at that.

I'm torn, part of me (that only shines for a bit) wants to try... but the other part of me, has been left to it's own devices for too long.

And where once there was hope, that it may get better, it now has turned into a cynical joke to me...
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replied January 27th, 2012
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Hi Melody,

First thing is what happened to the father of your child? Is he around, does he see her, does he pay child maintenance? Does he love her or dont you know who he was? These are really questions for to to answer for yourself as sorting that stuff out will make a difference to you and your daughter's lives.

I'm so sorry you suffered this illness from age 12. Mine started at 10 but no one noticed anything until I was 36. I thought everyone felt that way you see so I got no help, advice or even comments.

My feeling is that meds and counselling at age 12 are basicaly useless. From what you say the cause is obvious, yes? Your family's abuse of you.

If they did that to you and continued doing it what is the point of counselling or meds. It doesn't stop the abuse, unless the family, who actually needed it more than you, took the pills and sat in therapy.

You see pills cannot change life if life is going to continue as is. You have to change your life to have a chance at improving your life. Being around that family will simply ensure you stay where you are, emotionally.

Your brother's death is very sad but it is not something you could have or can change. He chose his fate and yes it's a bad thing to live with, but it is not your fault in any way. Just remember the good things about him.

Having a child is not the answer to depression. Treatment is the ONLY answer. And you must do that properly for your daughter's sake if not yours. You must and will get better if you see a doc seriously, get referred and follow the treatment implicity. No self medicating. No other substances, including booze.

You want to get well and be a good Mum. Then get very serious and do everything you can to improve. Research the illness. Learn how it works, learn what to expect and how to deal with it. Ask questions on sites like this and be specific.

You must learn to be totally honest and open with your docs and yourself. We fool ourselves most of all so be aware of what you think and why.

I would strongly suggest a therapy called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). It is a non invasive method of learning how your thoughts function and become reactions and emtions, and more importantly it can also teach you how to stop that way of thinking. Normaly therapy is of little value until our moods have been raised by meds so I would be thinking see a shrink first and then try the therapy.

You can buy CBT books anytime and read them and it will sound simple but making it actually work is very hard. Essentially what it teaches you is that YOU can decide what to think about, thus stopping all the negative thoughts anbd the pain we inflict on ourselves.

For this to be effective though you will need to identify and remove the causes or triggers of your depression. Which sounds like getting away from that family. I had to.

You say you get jobs and then quit as you are depressed. I'm afraid you will need to get a job and keep it. Find ways to cope with it as without it you will be stuck with that family and thus you won't get better. You just HAVE to do this, no matter what.

You say this is not you. Sorry, but it is you today. Admit that to yourself, stop trying to remember how you think you should be and focus on what you can be. We can never be who we once were, even when not depressed. We change, life changes, you must change and accept the reality of where you are at.

I must ask. If you say you have isolated for 4 years (I isolate deliberately as I can afford to and am happy about it) then how did you get pregnant? Surely you went to hospital for the birth, saw doctors and so on.

You say there is a bit of you that shines. That's you, the rest is life's miseries and it's weigting you down. Never let go of that shine, it's called hope and it's there for all of us. But it is we who must get off our butts and seek good help, follow advice, take treatment but keep control of you rown life and treatment.

Your daughter needs you but you need you to be better most of all so you can care for both of you.

I did it from lower than you describe. And I had it for longer than most. If I can do it, so can you. The key is deciding to get better and then following up on that. Get away from that family, find work you will stick with, get treatment and leave all the garbage behind.

You are worth every minute of effort, believe me. As the things lift off you then you will feel relief in small ways. Escaping that family and not having to face them every day wil change your perspective and make a job possible etc.

Most importantly is to do all this slowly. Small steps, but aimed the same way. Take a small step forward and don't go back. Just forward. For you two. Life is a gift, don't let the rubbish part of others take that away from you, please.
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