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What type of abuse is this called and how should I heal frm this

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it's been approximately 4 months that I've permanently disconnected from my ex-boyfriend and I swear to God I'm never going back or talking to him again. It would be frightening too if he gave me immediate confrontations about this (I hope he is not on this website as well), but I need a lot of help in recovering from all these problems.

It's still in my head. It's transgressed into nightmares experienced every three times a week about the same guy all over again. It's hard to heal from these problems, because the injuries are to the mind.

I want to feel positive about myself again, I don't want to feel constantly blamed all the time anymore. He's not there, but the pain is still there. How do I move on?

Can someone explain to me in details what kind of problem was I facing with a person like this?
Why am I still in doubt and distressed? Why does it take so long to feel positive again after all this happened?
I really need so much help right now, it's hard for me at the moment Sad(((

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Are these things he did bad? for example:

- He kept finding faults with me over little things like talking with a different accent, pushing him against the wall as a sexual act saying "You are a woman and you shouldn't be dominating over me like that", I did it in public in the context of joking around but he said it put down his sense of masculinity or something like that, whether it is done privately or not.

- Gave me double standards. He said he wanted me to give him video-tapes of me experimenting with women because he enjoyed looking at it, at the same time forbade me from having bi-curious talks with a girl on Facebook (who was just a friend and we were only making jokes about each other's bodies). He had me to block her.

At the end, he said everything he did (either for or against) my sexuality wasn't his fault, that it was my mistake for being "bi-curious" in the first place that made him give me double standards. He said: "Because your sexuality is confusing, it makes other people confused too"

- He didn't respect me when stepping foot to my house; immediately attacked me to have sex with him, told me that he was my "guest" and that I had to serve him, told me that " sexually experienced girls" are more okay with being treated like that.

- He caught a cold, and got me infected three times. When I told him not to get near me he got really angry saying I didn't appreciate him for being there for me in the first place.

- He got angry at me over a stick that I took a photo of. Like you know, a wooden branch that was broken from a tree if you know what I mean? He even split it into two, to the point where I gave him a silent treatment. It's like he couldn't stand anything/anyone else I was close to except for him.


- He ridiculed me from talking to someone else while I was talking to him. He said "You're the only one that I want to talk to" or "I'm only close to you, not anyone else" as a way to manipulate me.

- He controlled my choice of clothing.

- He yelled at me in front of my friends and family.

- He made it all seem like it was my own decision to do the things that he suggested. He knew how to promote them to me in a way that I would agree, so when I do it then it's not his fault.

- He emotionally blackmailed me a number of times. "I accept you for being suicidal, then why didn't you accept me for throwing my laptop at you?"

- If I tried to be open and honest that he did something hurtful to me, he would say that I over-exaggerate a lot or probably just doing it because of "other problems in my life" Nothing was ever his fault that I became so messed up.

- If I try to tell him to stop hurting me, instead of taking into consideration of how I feel he would say that he's hurt by me. I said : "I am hurt" and he replied with "I am hurt. We both are"

- He nearly drove my mother and I insane. I decided to break up with him at the end, and it was our fault that we used his car to be driven back to our flat after spending time in a cafe. He got us lost in the parking space, and drove really fast when we were to arrive back. I thought we were going to die of car crash.
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First Helper verne01
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replied December 13th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

In spite of your extensive writing I feel you have understated your case somewhat because it doesn't give me the impression you have been in an abusive relationship as much as in a relationship with someone you were completely incompatible with.

You have made it seem like you and your ex were two opposite personalities who should never have got together in the first place.
Clearly there were times when he teased you in a bad way and then took things too far but how much of his behaviour was really abusive you haven't made very clear.

I feel at least some of your problems might have been caused or aggravated by having unsatisfied expectations from him and your relationship with him - expectations that could be said to be unrealistic in the real world with real people; especially people like him...

I guess the root cause of your troubles could be that your upbringing and family life was totally different from his...

That the experience has given you recurring nightmares is a further indication that you are a particularly sensitive and possibly highly-strung personality and that you also probably have a tendency to dwell on things rather too much - always over-analysing minor incidents or comments and often feeling such things were aimed at you or were somehow derogatory...

Always seeking a reason or trying to understand stuff is mentally or emotionally exhausting and guaranteed to make you feel bad and mostly is not worth the effort!
I suggest you put your failed relationship down to a massive incompatibility and try to move on with your increased wisdom to help protect you in future relationships.

I strongly suggest your future energies, instead of seeking answers about why he behaved in the way he did, you should learn more about yourself and try to understand why you react the way you do.
When you can feel content in your own skin and accept that because he wasn't prepared to compromise or moderate his behaviour or really try to understand you in order to keep you - he lost you and it really was his loss!

You should adopt a dignified attitude and tell yourself you are not going to allow your life to be tainted by a mere man...

Good luck!
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replied December 13th, 2012
Actually you are right about that, I mean in a sense that we both were just incompatible and most of our debates had to do with our differences. This has made it clear for me not to dwell on things too much and actually see what the real aspect is, instead of putting unrealistic expectations in the first place and get upset at the very end you know, when it is too late.

You are right that he is very different. We both met "incidentally" on the plane, he was this really attractive and sexy musician and I thought our musical compatibilities made it possible for us to go on a long-term plan. Now that was very wrong because I hardly knew him and the next day we were already so excited about having a relationship. I didn't realize that there were circumstances that we also would have to face in the long run, as well as our core values and ambitions.

This will clear up my view on aimless dating and see things more soberly and realistically in the long run, and you are right about analyzing why I do the things I do, because that will lead me into exploring more about myself too.

It has uplifted me tremendously the way you have responded to me in terms of my psychological problems. But you see, the "nightmares" didn't just arrive from my sole doubts and reservations. I haven't really made it too clear about the other things that happened in our relationship, the "abusive" issues.

First, I already mentioned him throwing a laptop at me. That was already one of the most traumatizing experiences I ever had with him. I also forgot to include the times where I felt uncomfortable with him when it comes to initiating sexual intercourse - he had it to me immediately as if I was to be prepared with it and he made an excuse, saying "only experienced girls" are okay with the act that he was instilling a rape fantasy without my consent. He was being forceful and aggressive. You may say that his way of doing it is just different, but when you really see it happening to me you would definitely know how painful it was for me. Many times he would pressure me to do the things I didn't want to do.

Also, most of the injuries are emotional, not physical. After he threw his laptop, he said "I already accepted you for being suicidal, why don't you accept that I have my own episodes too sometimes, even when I can throw things around?" It's like emotional blackmailing and he did this A LOT in our relationship. Most of the times when something goes wrong, he would make it seem like everything was my fault. First by apologizing, pretending to agree with me and say all the nonsense he didn't mean. Then after I accept him back, he would reverse everything against me and even got to the point where he would swear at me, either in front of my mom, alone, or when one of my friends were there.

He made it seem like the whole world was against me.
Then he had a mental breakdown, to the point where he would say that "I" had caused it. He told me that I caused him to be vile, even when I didn't really do anything wrong, like: talking with a different accent or tell some jokes. I mean, these little things you don't go yelling and cursing at people non-stop, or threaten to hang up the line do you? That was what he did.

I didn't mean to stain his shirt once, and it was like a tiny wee spot. I apologized for that already, and decided to clean it until it disappeared. But the scary part was how he got upset at me for it. I also felt that the things I did were taken for granted, I wrote a song for him but he didn't want to listen to it, I prepared him some food but then he complained and refused to eat it simply because it wasn't "warm enough". He didn't even say thank you for me making it in the first place, and even said "I'm your guest, you should serve me!" These rude behaviors have nothing to do with upbringing.

I mean these were the things that made it scary for me.
It wasn't just the fact that I "over-analyzed"

I am still traumatised deeply.

Plus he was controlling, and didn't let me talk to his friends when they wanted to get to know me. He was always infuriated if anything got in the way of just "us" two, even broke a branch of stick just because I took pictures of it, and you can't blame this upon differences??

I mean even someone similar to him can face the same problem. It's about his bad temper, jealousy, manipulative tendencies, and his split personality that scares me the most. The nightmares come from these things, you know? I was walking on eggshells, he kept changing the rules every now and then and I was never sure when he was going to yell at me next.
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replied December 13th, 2012
I'm glad you're no longer in that bad relationship. You look like a wonderful woman and as long as you put yourself in situations that men can find you, you'll have many more chances at success. Stay strong!
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replied December 14th, 2012
Thank you so much. It's just....his words are too strong for me right now, it's hard to get up from it.

And in case I haven't included the times he was literally being 'abusive', I've written more just above.

It's hard to believe in the compliments people make of me at the moment. Wish me luck so I can get up from it because his insults hurt like hell.
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