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Virgin guy 23, sick and lonley

Let's start from the beginning, I'm a 23 year old virgin living in a small town in the UK. As a kid I was really really fat, and at the age of 18 I was diagnosed with diabetes. This made me change my lifestyle quite drastically, I had to change my diet and I have to eat regularly on the hour. I also started to workout, either going to the gym, jogging or swimming. I'm not the fittest guy in the world and I don't have a six-pack but I'm not the fat kid anynore and I know logically that I'm atleast decent looking. But I still have problems looking in the mirror since all I see is that ugly fat guy I used to be.

When I was 19 I went to a party with a couple of friends where I meet a girl. We had alot of fun talking and I could tell she was intrestead in me. We decided to leave the party and go skinny dipping at the beach, I was really nervouse about it since I'm not what you would call well endowed (5.5 inches). But on our way to the beach she gave me my first kiss and we stopped several times to make out, and I felt like I started to lose control over what I was doing. The thing is she was kind of drunk, (not falling over drunk but definatly not sober) I on the other hand because of my diabetes can't drink alcohol anymore. Before we started skinny dipping I asked her if she wanted to stop since she had been drinking and I was sober, she answerd me by taking of all her clothes and after that my brain wouldn't let my resist. I still feel guilty about it because some part of me feel like I took advantage of her, but I couldn't helpmyself. I had never been so happy in my life, kissing a girl that was sitting naked on my lap while in the water. Because her and my friend was with us we didn't go all the way, but I didn't care. I tried contacting her a couple of days later and then she told me it was a nice evening but she didn't want to meet me. She also told me the reason was that I wasn't a good kisser and that she didn't want to teach me, when I told her she was my first kiss. Have u ever felt guilty for hooking up with or kissing a drunk girl when u where sober?

That really didn't help my confidence and to make matters worse I had developed a chronic condition called prostatitis which basically means almost every time I pee it feels like I'm peeing acid. And after an orgasm there is a 50/50 chance I will experience extreme pain. All this had made me really shy, and then I started my last year of high school. I actually got a couple of girl friends and I started to fall for a girl in my class. We could talk for hours everyday, but she had a boyfriend so I didn't want to cross that line. When see broke up with him I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was to late, after a month she started to date a good friend of mine. The rest of the school year went by with the love of my life beeing too far away. At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore, I told her how I felt. I said I didn't expect anything I just had to tell her, she was the first girl I had ever loved. Let's just say that not only didn't she respond to my feelings, but I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That really made me feel guilty, and the thought of ever telling a girl how I feel really scares me.

I've always been kind of a nerdy guy, playing video games and reading comics etc. And it's really clear if u come to my home that I'm a nerd. I'm almost like lenoard from the big bang theory expect I'm not that smart. So if I ever get a girlfriend there are somethings about me she is just going to have to accept. But because of all of my other problems, I just wouldn't feel right about subjecting someone to the pain I have to live with everyday. There has been other girls and even some grown women that has come on to me, but I've been to scared about my kissing, beeing a virgin I know I'm going to suck, because of my size, the chance of pain, and I will probably not last long. And beeing a virgin for so long I don't feel like it would be right to lose it to some random drunk girl. I'm not saving myself for marrige or anything like that, but I would like to atleast have known the girl for more then five seconds. I recently met a gir that I thought could be perfect for me, we went out for a couple of times on what I thought were dates, but a couple of days ago she changed her facebook status to in a releationship with a guy I know.

What kind of tips do u have for a guy like me to actually get a girlfriend?, a part of my feel like I don't deserve it, but I'm tired of beeing misrable, I want to be happy. I might get to a point where I will get desparet enough to just hook up with some random girl and pretend she cares about me but I'm not there yet. My birthday is coming up soon though and beeing without psyhical contact for so long is starting to get really hard. I just want a girl to share my life with, cuddle up in bed, and telling me she loves me. I had a dream about this recent girl last night and I woke up crying like a baby, it felt so good for a second to believe that someone was holding me and caring about me. I've actually considerd going to a prostitute, not for sex, but just laying on a bed and holding eachother. Should I just find some random girl to "train" with? So that I'm ready if I ever find someone that can love a guy like me. Cause honestly sex scares me, but I don't want to be bad if I find the right girl.

Sorry for potential bad grammar, I'm on pain meds atm.
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replied August 12th, 2012
I feel you bro. You are not alone, but I cannot offer any advice as I need a hell of a lot myself.
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replied August 15th, 2012
Hi christian90z,

I can really feel your pain there! Let's have a look at this together!

It seems to me you build have build up a lot of limiting beliefs around yourself in relation to girls. I have done so before. When I was in my early 20s I was already going bald. I constructed a belief out of this for a while that this would make me unattractive to girls. How wrong I was...but it took me a while to figure out. Now I shave my head and girls love it!

Let's look at your believes 1-by-1:

1.) You belief you have to feel guilty about hooking up with a drunk girl, when you are sober. <<< From how you tell the story, it sounds perfectly legit to me. Any man would have gone for it...I certainly would have.
It's something else when she is passed out, under heavy drug influence, can't talk anymore or clearly shows signs that she doesn't know what she is consciously doing anymore. In your case you even asked her like a real gentleman if she wants to stop. Her reply by taking off her clothes was very clear!

2.) You belief you are a bad kisser <<< ONE girl told you so. That doesn't mean the whole female race thinks about your kissing like that. Besides, it was your first kiss! Tell me somebody who wasn't bad at their first kiss. That's something you get good at if you do it more often. She doesn't want to teach you, plenty of girls will happily teach you.

3.) Your medical condition, it would't be right to put a girl through your pain <<< That's her decision, not yours. If a girl feels attraction for you, she will be happy to put up with it. Now I never had this condition, I am no expert. But I say if you are pleasuring yourself, you can also have sex with it.

4.) Your belief that the next girl will leave her when you tell her you love her <<< That belief is actually spot on! That's exactly what happens when you tell a girl your feelings directly. But it's not because of you, it's just the wrong way to go about it. The wrong technique. It's like playing poker, showing everybody your cards and then at the same time go all in. You will loose! You have to be way more subtle, slowly build attraction, position yourself in her mind as a potential boyfriend by braking the touch barrier and stop being the all out "nice guy" that reads every wish from her lips. Then show her through body language that you like her & at some point, when you feel she is open for it, kiss her! Never say directly: "I have feelings for you" to a girl. Real common mistakes guys make & it kills attraction immediately for you!

5.) The believe that you will probably not last long <<< How do you know, you never even had sex. It is impossible for you to know how long you last. This belief should be proof for yourself that beliefs are not real...even though they feel very real, they are created by yourself.

6.) You belief you are not well endowed <<< Wake up man, you are 5.5!!! The average penis size in America is 5.0-5.7 inches when hard. You are not even small, you just belief you are. Not that size really matters as much to women like it does to men anyways.

7.) You look in the mirror & belief you still see the fat kid <<< Another limiting belief created by yourself to put yourself down. You are not fat, but still see yourself as fat.

8.) You are afraid you suck in bed, because you are a virgin <<< Well, of course you will suck! So did I, so has every man on this planet that ever had sex when he had it for the first time. You have to push through that fear, just do it & get it over with!

9.) The belief that your first time sex will have to be special <<< Many guys have this highly romanticized idea of their first time sex. They have been in love with that one special girl and then both of them have sex for the first time together and it is all so beautiful. Now don't get me wrong, if you wait for marriage because of a religious belief, I respect that! The first time is often not beautiful like that.
I had my first time with a random drunk girl and then I thought - Wow, that is all their is to it?
A couple of years later, I took a girl home from a club once and we were making out heavily. When I was just about to enter her, she said she is still a virgin. I wanted to refuse to do it, but she literally begged me. All her friends weren't virgins anymore she said and she wanted to loose her virginity. So we had sex & the day after she was bouncing around my place screaming: "I am not a virgin anymore!' Message: Just get it over with. You even consider a hooker, which is perfectly fine, but why not a random drunk girl (when she still knows what she is doing of course) since they seem to come onto you from time to time.

10.) You believe you don't deserve a girlfriend <<< Where is that coming from? That's a big one, a massive limiting belief and simply not true. From what you write, you seem to be a decent guy, so many girls DESERVE YOU! Look at this in detail? Why do you think like this. Thinking like this is what is wrong with you. YOUR THINKING, not your looks, size or all the other things.

So we found 10 very strong limiting beliefs here. That's your problem, that's what is holding you back, you tend to construct these for yourself. You seem to have a tendency to do so. Is this just in your dating life or other aspects of your life, too?

What you are basically doing, is building a mental prison around you. And this prison already has you locked up in it! So how do you tear it down? Start googling on how to get rid of your limiting beliefs. Anthony Robbins for example has some great material on how to do that. Then commit to getting rid of them. Make it your written goal, a bit like: "Until February 2012, I will have gotten rid of all 10 of my limiting beliefs with regards to dating, won't have constructed a new one and found myself a girlfriend." Then you stick this goal as a post-it onto your mirror & do everything you can to get rid of them.

From what you tell me there are girls coming onto you, which is a good start. Besides your limiting beliefs, learn on the internet what attracts women and get a general understanding (like never express your feelings directly). Then commit time to it (about 15 hours a week at least - just spend on learning how to get a girlfriend) and taking the necessary steps. Practise with the girls you can with first, than move your way up to the girls that you find extremely attractive.

Questions, let me know!

Hope it helps!

Tom
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