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Most people that know me would probably describe me as bubbly, happy, always polite and amiable, easy going and happy to please all. They are all qualities that I am really proud to be able to possess and present...However its who I would wish to be if I didn't have a heavy weight in my chest constantly pulling me down forcing me to wear a mask who I believe to be me or what people want me to be.
My mum past away when I was eight. She died of AIDS and being in the 90s people still could not understand the disease. Her family rejected her...saw her as a junkie, a trouble maker, disobedient; a disgrace. In turn they seemed to reject my sister and I too so we got adopted. Now this could have been a salvation to us...a light of hope from the loss we just experienced, however our adoptive mother turned out to be the most oppressive, controlling, hard to please woman in the entire world and to top it all up she just to hit us. Once she almost broke her hand trying to punch me but I moved and she hit the knob on the bed. It was my fault that she had to go to hospital. According to her I was never good enough and when I tried to end my life by taking sleeping pills, but it didn't work because I was sick she said that I even couldn't do that right.
That was probably about eight years ago now. It eats me inside like a bug on a tree. I am married now and have two lovely boys but still feel unable to be happy. My husband and I have come to a realisation that we married for the wrong reasons and had kids for the wrong reasons (religious ones)and I think we are splitting up. I don't even know if I am depressed. I can function fine, I love my children and I take really good care of them. They have a routine, they are fed, bathed, watered, played with and above all things I love them dearly. At work I function fine too. I don't mope around, I've already been recognise as an asset to the team and I've only worked in this job for two months and as part time staff.
I feel lost and if I didn't have my children I would love to fade away into utter nothingness. My husband asked me what I wanted and I said death would be so much easier sometimes. What is really wrong with me? I am hardly able to understand my own self...
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Users who thank lina2309 for this post: Marcia1980 

replied September 11th, 2009
You know what dear, i can almost feel your pain. Our childhood is our foundation and sometimes even if we wanted to, it seems impossible to run away from it. However, we can still do something. Keep it in mind that happiness can't be given by anyone. It is found inside. We do have to work on it all the time. I have had an unhappy childhood, i was raised by a controlling grandmother, and i didn't have a dad..he left us when i was very young. My mom was young too and didn't take care of me much so i was just left with my grandma. I didn't have much of a childhood to remember but a lot of heartache and a lot of crying. I didn't have a happy home to speak of. I still struggle with depression on and off after being married to a good man for almost 20 years. Like you i do take care of the kids well, but i don't really work. I think the reason that should keep us going is our kids. I don't want my depression to rub off on them. I don't want them to take after me. I want them to be happy, normal people that's why I do try my best to put on a happy face and a cheerful attitude. I've gone on lexapro for two years and i seemed to have had my life back. Didn't like it only because of the weight gain. I tried going off it, and have been off it for almost a year already but it's been quite a struggle. I feel i need to get back on it soon, for the sake of my kids and to get my life back. Maybe you should try lexapro, go to a doctor. What you're feeling is really common due to a bad childhood...you're not alone.
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replied September 11th, 2009
Thanks so much for your reply and sorry to hear of your struggle too.
xx
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replied September 11th, 2009
Your husband loves you more than anything and just wants to help. You mean the world to him and your boys.
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replied September 17th, 2009
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i had a horrible childhood and it took me well into my mid twenties to get over it. i had nightmares and flash backs, and i suffered from depression.
it is so easy to feel the way you do when something like that happens to you.
i know of a person that was very bubbly and battled depression. it's a state of mind. are you able to see a therapist?
depression can bring people around you down! for example that comment you made with your husband!
my ex b/f who i used to live with had to deal with my up and down mood.
you have to do everything in your power to feel like happy, to enjoy a rainy day, to laugh at a silly joke, the ability to feel happy.
weird enough the birth control pills im on is balancing my mood from my life long depression.
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replied September 22nd, 2009
It sounds like you can parent your boys appropriately. Now how about re-parenting yourself? You know how you should have been cared for. Take the time to listen to the child within you. That child is likely so sad and lonely and confused about why no loving adult was there for them. How can you expect to be happy while that pain is still so raw. Yes, your childhood was awful, but look at you now. You have moved forward and you should be proud of how far you have come. You are not the nobody your adoptive mother saw. You are a mom and a wife and a tough person capable of building the life you want.
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replied September 22nd, 2009
Depression
Listen, I was given away by my natural mother. She didn't want me and still doesn't. It's her loss. She gave me to a oppressive, controlling, highly abusive woman. She too had a horrible, abusive childhood so what I received from her was what she knew. I found out later, after much research into her past, that she suffered some horrible tragedies in her life and in her day, psychiatric help was not what it is today. This gave me the heart to forgive her and try to understand that her actions weren't always in line with her heart.
There have been and are times in my life, I'm 48, that happy is just a word to me. I don't think we're supposed to be on the mountain all the time. I think the valleys teach us to appreciate the times on the mountain only that much more. I have made bad choices in partners, self-medicated to forget, done very impulsive things and came to realize the person that I was hurting the most was me.

Maybe you don't believe this, but God created you for a purpose. You have children that NEED you and if you can't love yourself enough right now to go on, love them and fake it till you make it. Love is not a word, it is an action. Sometimes we have to push ourselves through the day. But God promises to never leave us and when that day is dark and the road is rocky is when HE is carrying us. Hang in there, and don't forget you are important to God and to me. Try helping others, volunteering, getting involved in something that you feel very adamant about. This will help alot. And if you need medication, take it. Don't stop taking it because of nay-sayers or because you feel better. Life isn't about feelings. How can you pay forward for what you do have?

I hope this helps. It's what I do to get through the rough patches and I keep doing it when life is good as well.

God Bless You,
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replied March 6th, 2010
Hello lina2309,

I sort of identify myself with some elements of your story. I will like to share with you my own.

As yourself, I was always unhappy because of things lived in my childhood. I managed to get into college, to work and being successful. But, I always felt like wearing a mask, a mask with a big smile on it. My personal life was a disaster. I worked so hard on hiding my pain, that eventually I was unable to feel anything. Not for me, not for anyone. After a while, things just got out of control. The mask became too heavy to handle. And then, I became a person so harsh... with everyone, I became what I hated the most in the world, what I feared the most.

Even though, I have a bachelor degree in psychology, it took me a while to accept I needed professional help, especially because I never got along with medical discourses on mental health. I still don't, hahahaha, but I visited a few psychotherapists until I found the one with the best approach for me (this is important, you need to trust the person you are talking to, because it is like trusting on yourself, on what you are saying and feeling). I have being in psychotherapy for almost two years. Probably, it was the best decision I have take in a long time.

I can tell you, it has been a great deal of work, but it has paid off. Now, I can often laugh using the force from my belly (the center of the body), were true laugh comes from (this, I have discover recently). There are days that are harder than others, but I keep working to be compassionate with me, with my personal story, to forgive me and the people that were part of it, but above all, to keep laughing.

I came to this website because today was one of those hard days... I read the title of your inquiry, which was exactly what I was thinking. I thank you for sharing your situation, it made me remember my own process and also remember that to laugh once again from the center of the body is always possible.

Love,
Marcia1980
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