Medical Questions > Mental Health > Addiction, Recovery Forum

Tumbling back down the rabbit hole

It's amazing how quickly not only your tolerance returns but how your mind and values rapidly shift back to a place of comfort. Being an addict, I am having the hardest time coming to terms with the "use or don't use all at" concept. I know it's what I have to do to regain control over my life. But I don't want to say goodbye to such a long-time 'friend'.

I've come far, in the past few year. I've been smoking pot and drinking for over ten years, and using hard drugs for almost five. I am fed up with 'getting high' being the focus of my energy. When I don't use I become a totally different person, I'm no longer thinking about when I can take my next hit, and how high I'm gonna get etc.

It's interesting how quickly you fall back into the zone, that mind-set, that familiar place where you feel safe & comfortable. Not necessarily happy, but content and comfortable. Wanting, but not bothering with, moving forward to doing things, living life. You have all the ideas, and so many, and you are so excited by all of them you want to be able to work out a suitable time, like once a month or two, where you can just relax, fall back into your 'junkie' mindset and just get wasted as, thinking about things, writing down good ideas.

But this cannot be controlled, use only becomes a habit and not just a part-of, but your main focus in life. Your only goal is seeking this artificial 'high' which exists only in your mind while all the while letting reality slip by you as you fester and degenerate in this misty dark, lonely world of making up excuses to use all the time and consistently justifying your usage until you realise you've lost control again, but it's too late, you're too deep in again, no point trying to leave again now. After all there really isn't any point, you've up again, you back to your old junkie habits and because once again you've 'failed' to change your habits you allow the feelings associated with failure and disappointment consume your soul and it's too hard, if you ignore the voices eventually they'll go away....


Over the last six months I've come a long way. I reduced my habits from partying all the time to drinking a few beers before bed at night. But that isn't good enough. I want to be 100& substance free, that includes not having to take anti-depressants I'm currently eating like jelly beans. But over the few weeks things really changed, I started working in the real world again. It's been four years a least since I held down a steady, normal full-time job. I was using back then, but not in the excess it escalated to before my crashing and burning.

My long-time mate and mechanic killed his best-friend last week. They were out drink-driving and he ran into a stobie-pole (telephone pole) and killed his best mate, plus a long time family friend of the driver in his forties. The driver and passenger both early twenties. The young male in the passenger seat was on a visit down from Queensland to see his mates, myself included, his ex-girlfriend, his mother etc the list goes on. Silly accident but cost two-lives and a very guilty conscience for my poor long-time buddy.

I've been kind slacking off lately with my straightening up. I've been drinking more, using middle-class drugs and now I'm a week, probably two into a daily pot habit again. I feel like I'm just giving up, In need strength to get through this and give it up for good. Or at least for six-months. If I set a realistic goal I know I can achieve it.

I've bought a Gym membership for myself and hired a personal trainer, yet to have my first session as I slacked off and cancelled because it was the same day of my mates funeral. I'm going to invest my time and energy into other areas including business training and lessons in turntablism. I'm also ugly scars removed and I've bought private health-insurance. I believe if I spend the extra money I'm now making on positive things and put the rest into planned areas of savings or investments, I can gain total, substance free control of my life.

I may have already mentioned my GP gave me a script for Valium, a whole bottle, I was like "Wow". It was intended to temporarily replace my drinking before bed habit before I changed to something healthier. Instead of using the pills for that purpose I partied every night, smoking weed, using opiates and tripping on one occasion. I was drinking several beers plus several scotchs before bed every night which I why we gave me the script for Valium in the first place. I guess I lied to myself at the time and told myself I'd be sensible with the benzos this time, I'll use them for when I need them, not abuse them. But I broke my promise.

I'm now back to drinking hard-liquor and smoking concentrated cannabis extracts like hashish every night. Especially if I have a day off work, I want to start smoking and drinking as early in the day as possible. I ignored two phone calls from work today calling me in for extra hours just so I could start using before the sun went down.

I'm not sure what to do. I know most people cannot just give it all up in one go and return to normal life, some have it and I hate you for it (j/k) but for some it takes many trys and fails before you make it. I'm starting to get using to the failing part, which means I don't mind trying, but I'm just not making as much progress as I'd like to be. I know I need probably go the cold-turkey and just fight through the tough times. I just don't have the support I need. I went a week and a half or two and a half, can't remember exactly, without any substances at all. And I wasn't working then, I felt so proud. This was only in the last few months so the will is there, and the evidence is there too.


I want to try this again, not today because I've already used today. But I want to try tomorrow.
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replied June 12th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
What do you want us to say to you? It is obvious you don't want encouragement and would prefer to continue using. There are no kind words that are going to make you miraculously want to help yourself. The strength has got to come from YOU. All I can tell you is this...You only get ONE life. ONE chance is all you get. You are throwing yours down the sewer with the junk you are taking. You know the old saying, "what goes up, must come down?" Well, that's your high. Most people take drugs to escape everyday life. Sooner or later you have to face it and come off the merry-go-round. If you don't, you will surely die of these addictions much sooner than God had intended you to. Drug addiction causes more suffering than any high feeling they could ever provide. Nothing but misery comes from them. They are NOT your friend. A friend wouldn't do to you what they are doing. I feel for you, but there is nothing any of us can do. It's up to YOU to take charge of what's left of your life. I hope you can do it, but if you keep fooling yourself into believing you will "start tomorrow," you won't have any more tomorrows to try for. Life is such a gift, it's amazing to me how many people are hellbent on wasting it. Good luck.
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replied June 12th, 2009
old friend
Ten years have gone by but I will never forget the last words that my brother spoke to me as I left the hospital room. “I never meant for it to be this way.” He was alert but he was also fully aware of how precarious his situation was. I had a two hour drive to get home; my brother’s route was to eternity. By morning his mind had slipped away while his body was in the purgatory world of respirators feeding tubes and the like. In another week, his body died as well.
My brother never tried to say goodbye to the long-time 'friend'. My father never tried either. They were both brilliant but at the same time neither one could focus their gifts.
It has been ten years for me as well. I have not been fighting the old time friend that you know. My life revolves around Therapy, Meds, Dr., Therapy, Meds, Dr., Therapy, Meds, and Dr. At this point I can’t even keep a job.
While you think about visiting your old friend, I want you to think about anyone and everyone who has ever been close to you. I am powerless to stop you. You are the only one with the power to take the necessary steps to banish your old friends once and for all.
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replied June 12th, 2009
Im tired, this will be a short one.... Get yourself a copy of the mood cure by julia ross, its got a whole section on dealing with depression that causes addictions through diet, not through other synthetic drugs that will kill you just the same. Hope you get some help, and I can tell you that you should definitely seek some.
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replied June 13th, 2009
Supporter
I am so sorry you are hurting..My brother took drugs and alcohol..He stopped only after he lost everything-family, possesions, job everything including respect.

He went to rehab and quit everything aftre detoxing..Horrible experience but he got clean..He went back to school and became a councelor to help those int he same boat as he was..

What I am getting at is this: addiction is-don't use anything that gets you goig again period..He refused pain pills becuase the addiciton process is so strong...Even though he quit he still said he was an addict and alcoholic..One day at a time was his motto..I say was because he died a couple years ago-someof the reasons was due to his past addicitons..

You need help and you need to say that's it no more!
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replied June 16th, 2009
Hi all. Thank for for your replies. I'm on day 4 of my recovery and I'm feeling both great and horrible at the same time. I'm going cold-turkey, which is no fun by any means, but I just want it all out in one go, none of this replacing one-thing-for-another crap.

My original post seems inappropriate after re-reading. I should not have come on and posted after using, for that I apologise.

I might check out that book. Thanks Strvinmarv Smile
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replied June 30th, 2009
I'm glad to hear youre clean for 4 days! Thats awesome! Addiction is a cunning and baffling enemy that exists in some of our minds. Unfortunetly, a lot of people die from this disease. I would highly suggest you find an AA or NA meeting in your area. It saves so many lives. Ive been clean for 3 months now, its a start. You won't suffer emotionally anymore either. Keep in touch. Good luck Smile
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