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Trauma from Ex GF years later still persisting

I'm having a lot of trauma that started on September 28, 2013 in my parent's basement where my girlfriend talked me into having sex and I lost my virginity with her that night. She had said prior to that that she was raped, but never really had a way of proving that to us. She had issues with being honest and not lying, but what made it so bad was that we had sex five times and I only used protection for two of those times. I'm traumatized with PTSD because of my own stupidity of having sex with her because I wanted to experience the sexual pleasure from her. I feel like a total sex addict because I got sexually impulsive and it COULD HAVE ruined my life by ending me up with a baby. I broke down crying in front of my psychiatrist and have seen 5 counselors/therapists to try to help some of the INTENSE saddening emotions I get sometimes when I have flashbacks of her undressing me and pulling me towards the bedroom. I know most guys would LOVE this and find this to be a totally masculine and awesome thing, but for me, it could have landed me with a baby (or twins,triplets) because my ex gf was a twin, but anyhow it would have ruined my life because instead of where I'm at today I would be paying child support for one or more babies depending on if she would have had a successful/normal pregnancy. I am beating myself up for this and still do almost every day of my life since this occurred. I was so traumatized I remembered the exact date this happened and I'm in distress because it was my fault. I didn't rape her, she didn't rape me, but we just got caught up in the heat of the moment when my parents weren't home and we had sexual intercourse. I have lost many nights sleep because of what I did and the poor choice I made and I wish every day I could go back and change what I did even though that probably wouldn't really help anyway because I would have never learned from the experience, but at least I would be able to have been able to say I was smarter with my ex gf. I don't know how I will ever be able to go about trusting women again as she was undoubtedly seeing other guys, and gave me descriptions of how they were in bed with her, as well as the conditions she told me about when she was raped on the bathroom floor at a party. I'm afraid now that my next girlfriend I ever find will be honest with me about birth control/contraception because quite honestly, I love sex, but I don't want it ever to ruin my life or hurt anyone else. I enjoy passionately connecting to someone else on a super personal level and it takes real courage for me to write all this, but being the man I want to be I will say I made a mistake there and it was my fault a lot of that happened because I should have been smarter and not put myself in such a vulnerable position with a female that obviously was (to me) not ready to have sex with men nor knew the potential consequences of engaging in that sort of activity with no preventative actions taken whatsoever.
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replied April 8th, 2018
Hello and welcome to EHF !

I went through your query and i believe you are worrying for this thing that did not happen so there is nothing to worry about. In sexual activities everyone gets carried away and missing the condom or protection is a very common complaint. You didn't end up with the baby and there is nothing to worry about. Also fear of having a baby that much is also not normal and you should consult a psychiatrist and get evaluated for a complete psychiatric profile and let them help you find the cause behind your sensitivity and concerns.

Take care.
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