Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

Torn between two men... commitment & passion.

I am so torn, and I am at my wits end about what to do. I can''t sleep anymore and constantly find myself thinking about this situation... the pain is killing me.

I married "T" when I was young (22), and 6 months after we married he left for work (6+ months)... during this time we fell apart, he quit showing any emotion toward me and frankly quit loving me. He was oblivious to what he was doing and our relationship just died. A few WEEKS I had moved on (all the while waiting for him to come back so we could discuss what our options would be.. divorce, etc.) I was doing great, very happy and BAM! I met "J". Not on purpose, I was eating dinner alone and he approached me.

3 months into a new relationship with "J" I had found love that I never knew existed, I was the happiest I had ever been. We were so in touch with eachother and had so much in common (he was going through a divorce also), we spent everyday and night together.. truly I had found my best friend. I felt so safe, comfortable and myself for the very first time in my life. I felt like he knew the real me and loved every bit of it. He understood me and he made me want to be a better person. I couldn''t wait for our life together, we talked about it all the time... even talked about if he would have a baby with me (he had two small girls from his previous marriage) and he told me yes, and that''d even love a son one day. We talked about houses and land, our future and what it looked like. He told me over and over "I''ve never been happier" "You''ve showed me what love is supposed to be, I''ve never had this before" "I love you with all of my heart" "I love you baby"...

He constantly "warned me" about his job, and when the spring/summer seasons came he would be extremely busy working very long hours, but if we could work together we could make it.. I told him I didnt care about his work schedule, we would work around it and make it work because I wanted to be together. Plain and simple. During the very last part of winter I got very very sick. I was not able to do much, and when I did I couldn''t stay out long. I had never felt worse. During this time "J" was sweet, and somewhat sympathetic but I felt him pulling away... very slowly. He started to text me and call me less and less. I was very sick and didn''t have much time to really fight or over analyze what was going on, so I just let it slide and tried to get better.

Valentines Day came and went and he never even called. I didnt know what to think so I began to question him... I asked him what was up and he immediately said work had picked up and I needed to understand that and get ready for him to not be "as available as he had been in the winter months". I didnt really know what to think because frankly, anything that means anything to you is worth fighting for and figuring out how to make it work (even around a work schedule) you don''t just put it off to the side and perhaps pick it up when you can "fit it in" ???

So the weeks went by, and "J" didnt make or keep any plans with me. He was too busy. Even on weekend nights..(he works in landscaping...) So my heart immediately started breaking, I knew something was wrong but I didn''t know. Then all of the sudden ALL COMMUNICATION STOPPED. He never responded to a text or my phone call. Nothing, no reason, no explanation, nothing. I mean nothing. It was like something happened to him. Eventually I texted his brother and asked him if everything was ok and he told me yeah, but he hadn''t seen "J" at all, assuming he was busy. I told his brother what happened and I suspected fishy business, and his brother said "he had no idea, was sorry, but knew I was a smart girl." what. So I decided I had to let this go, I deserved better and if he couldnt even owe me an explanation I didn''t need him in my life.

Then I find out I was 13 weeks pregnant.

I didnt tell anyone at first. Then I began to look back on the calender to see when I possibly conceived... the three week span was the WORST timing possible. It was between the LAST time I had slept with my still "husband" and the two weeks I had first met "J".... oh yeah. Talk about fear and confusion. I still do not know for sure. I have some "ideas" but I will not know for sure until my baby is born in 4 1/2 more months...

So my husband found out, and immediately wanted everything to change and us to try again and start a life together and raise the baby. He was a changed man since we split and he was determined to get me back. I decided to not tell "J". I don''t know why, we werent talking, he wouldnt respond to me anyway and he had enough of his own problems to deal with. Plus I still dont know how he would react, and if he is even father material now with the way he has treated me in the past three months.

So I decided to go back to my husband. We were trying very hard and doing a good job I think. We were working on our relationship and doing things together for our new life. It was hard and sometimes heart breaking, but I knew/thought I was doing what I should be. He was a good man, who promised to take care of me and the baby as best he could. He gave me every reason to believe him... I even felt like I was slowing losing those VERY STRONG feelings I had for "J" and possibly even getting feelings back for my husband.

Then "J" contacted me. On April 1 (April Fools Day lol) For the first time in over two months. what. This is how the text convo went....
J: How are you
Me: Um. Good how are you?
J: im ok how is work going
Me: I told him about work... and asked him about his girls
J: he answered about his girls
Me: I thought your text was an April Fools Joke
J: no lol
Me: I am surprised
J: i wasn''t sure you would talk to me lol
Me: i can''t hate you, you can''t hate someone you are still in love with
J: its good to talk to you can i talk to you later
Me: yes thats ok with me i guess
J: have a great day
Me: you too

then two days later on easter
J: hope you have a happy easter
Me: happy easter to you too.

SO ALL OF MY FEELINGS CAME RUSHING BACK FOR THIS MAN.... ugh!!!!!! And OF COURSE since then he has ignored all of my texts and phone calls, I have not stalked him but I have texted him, and said things like "Could we talk, meet for coffee, dinner?" and asked him why he contacted me if he didnt plan on continuing to contact me, etc.

All the while my husband is just waiting on me to move on and give HIM my whole heart again. AND I CANT. I am still so very much in love with "J", I cant imagine my future without him and want I him... so badly. I want to be together and want things to work out for us. I want a life with him. I want to raise this baby together, especially now that I know I''m having a little boy. I can see us together, and I can''t let it go. I can''t move on. I can''t forget him, I can''t forget our memories and I know he isn''t the man he is acting like right now. Something is going on, I just don''t know what. I need to know. I need something.. closure or an explanation. Something. I can''t live like this... its not good for my baby or me.

I am so heart broken and torn. I don''t know where to go, and have no one I can trust to talk to about this. I am so alone and don''t know how much longer I can go through this without going insane. Any advice?
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replied April 18th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
"Neither" is a perfectly viable choice. You have a man that you're married to that you've lost interest in and a man you're obsessed with that is completely unavailable and likely playing games with you at least to some extent. Neither seems like a good father or partner. Deal with your pregnancy and worry less about having a man in your life than a father for your child.
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replied April 27th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
You need to move on from these men..clearly your not in love with your husband as you would not of gone to "J" and "J" doesnt seem to understand manners and respect so i think you should leave them both and take care of your baby..good luck..Jenny
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replied February 9th, 2012
Experienced User
I guess it's a bit late now, but I thought I should give my two cents anyway. There is only one way to fix your life. There is only one way you will ever be happy. You have to take control of your own emotions. You absolutely cannot reward people for their cruelty.

I've often said ignoring someone is the cruelest thing you can do to someone, and J did it to you. That doesn't just make him wrong for you, it makes him a bad person. For all we know, he's orchestrating the whole thing so that you become hopelessly and totally devoted to him. I've looked into dating advice and found a plethora of material from dating "gurus" that is geared towards getting women emotionally enslaved by men through manipulative means. He may well be following such advice. But even if he isn't, he is still wrong for you and still doing bad things to you. He may be toying with you for sadistic pleasure. There was an instance that I'm not proud of when I toyed with a girl's emotions just to see if I could, like it was part of some twisted experiment. Such cruelty is far from unknown.

T seems like a nice enough guy so you should either give him another chance or abandon both like the other two people advised, but whatever you do stay away from J. Take control of your life and don't let men control you. You're bringing misery upon yourself, teaching men that cruelty and manipulation pays off, and robbing the chance of a relationship with you from men who actually deserve it. Everybody loses.

Of course it's two years later so it's all boiled over by now. I'd like to hear how it turned out.
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replied July 22nd, 2012
torn as well. please help
Im in the same boat more or less. Cept j is my boyfriend of 3 1/2 yrs "k" and hes a soldier im germany. He is my first love and we had all these plans but lately weve been quiet, growing apart. Ive tried and tried again to keep the spark alive but i feel like im hittn a wall. Idk what to do, cuz it turns out i have a t also cept hes an "n" n we dated once, i was his first date, hes stil a virgin, hes looking for tht right girl to break him out of his shy shell and his best friend thinks thats me. Theres feelings for him, wen im wit him i forget bout kyl. Im not a slut we dont do anything but just chill like friends but theres tht huge spark one tht i wud jump on if i was single. So im torn. Did u ever figure out what to do? Cuz i hate myself right now, i dnt want to hurt kyl but nick is an amazing guy n something is drawing me to him.
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replied March 18th, 2014
J is a total Sociopath dont walk away from him run!! And never look back. All a big game to him you are worth better than thatc
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