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Depression Surrounding Children / pregnancy

Please bear with me - this may turn into a bit of an emotional ramble Embarassed . And apologies, but I wasn't certain which area to put this post in. I'm just hoping to get all my feelings off my chest and get a bit of feedback, and maybe some suggestions I haven't considered. I am still trying to pluck up the courage to go to my GP about it - it's much easier to talk about anonymously!

In my late teens I fell pregnant accidentally, despite taking emergency contraceptive. My then boyfriend pressured me to have a termination, and at the time said some awful things to me. He refused to go with me to any appointments, despite how distressed I was and I felt I had no one to talk to and that I was trapped. The whole experience left me incredibly scarred emotionally, and it was no surprise when he dumped me less than a month later.

Not long after, I got involved with my ex-husband, and he made it very clear from the beginning that he didn't want children - in fact I was told that if I fell pregnant accidentally, that he would leave. I was still struggling to come to terms with what I had done and was going through a lot of guilt, and convinced myself that I didn't ever want children either. I felt that I didn't deserve to be a mother, that I would have been an appalling parent, and for years, I couldn't even cope with being around pregnant women or babies. We got married and for several years, I was quite content to surround myself with pets and believe that having children wasn't important to me. It was like having two people living inside me - one who desperately wanted to have children in the future, and one who felt she didn't deserve it, and would be such an awful parent that it just wouldn't be fair.

However, I found that at almost every opportunity, such as a period that was a couple of days over-due, or if I forgot to take my contraceptive pill on a single occasion, I would start to flap about the idea of being pregnant, half of me terrified about what my husband would say and half of me desperately hoping it was true, that I was pregnant. Trying to hide how disappointed I was whenever it turned out that I wasn't became a trial and I started to feel cross and frustrated with myself for continuing to long for something I simply couldn't have.

My husband left me after four years of marriage stating that he "just didn't love me anymore". I was obviously heartbroken - we had been there for each other through some very difficult times including severe depression on both sides and his alcoholism, and through some great times and I found it hard to come to terms with the fact that it was over. I went through a period of regularly hurting myself and contemplating suicide, and my doctor put me on several sedatives. I met my current partner through my best friend, and he helped me through the worst of it. He was contactable at any hour, day or night and was there for me when I needed him. Once I had recovered and come off my extra medications, we started a relationship, and we are now very happy and secure and have moved in together. He's everything I could have asked for in a partner, and I have found all the things I was lacking in my marriage.

The only thing that we don't see eye to eye on is the subject of children. He doesn't want a family. I am trying so hard to get on top of this irrational desire to have children, to the point that I won't even entertain the possibility that I might be pregnant. We spent a good deal of time initially saying things like "if we have kids..." and talking about the things we'd like to do with our potential children, but as time went on and we got more and more serious, we had many frank discussions and he told me that he likes his life as it is and doesn't like the idea of his life revolving around a baby. Right now, we have a good deal of freedom to do as we please, but he said that he feels if we had a baby together, it would detract from our relationship. If you've read my previous post, you'll know that I have started wondering if I might be pregnant, but part of me insists that I'm not and I need to stop even thinking about it, but my partner thinks I might be and wants me to take a test. I'm so scared that I'll be disappointed that the test is negative, and it will drag up all those painful emotions again, especially since I know that he will be so relieved that I'm not pregnant. I don't want to have to put myself through any more of this.

I'm sorry, this has gotten much longer than I intended it to be, but I am incredibly grateful if you've gotten this far!

I've given it a lot of thought, and I have been considering a voluntary hysterectomy. If there's absolutely no way that I can fall pregnant, then I'll stop hoping that I will, and won't have to go through the bitter disappointment and depression over it anymore. But while I feel that I have thought it through carefully, I am convinced that if I go to the doctor, she will think I'm just being overly dramatic, going from the extreme of wanting to fall pregnant to never being able to have a baby and will blame it on my depression (I've been on medication for depression since the termination).
I feel like I'm going crazy, and that I can't talk to my partner because to save myself from feeling hurt and crying I made out that I wasn't bothered one way or another and that it wasn't a big deal Sad .
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replied June 14th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
I really think you need to talk to yuor partner about your thoughts and feelings on all of this, specially if your in a serious relationship. I wouldnt go through with a hysterectomy right now because what if things dont work out and u 2 end up seperated and u fall in love with someone else and they do want kids. Maybe even seek counseling together as well to talk about all of these things. Even the past as well. I wouldnt jump on any decisions at all right now. It seems like your stuck , u love the man but he doesnt want kids and deep down you do, you need to come toa mutual decision. im not sure what else to say to help other then not to jump the gun right away on such big decisions in your life.
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