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Best Friends Parenting/life

Shes 18, her son trey is 3. I feel a bad friend saying this. I dont think she looks after him good enough. I dont expect her to be perfect at parenting, but trey deserves better than what his life is. Hes 3, shes had 3 years to sort things out better for him, and better for herself too but she hasnt. Nothing is changing, im sick of sitting back and watching it. So I either quit being friends with her, which I dont want to do because we have been best mates for 6 years. Or I help her try to change things. She says she wants it to be different, says she wants to try. Not sure she means it. Theres parenting issues she needs help with, and basically sorting herself out. Shes a mess, stuck in a rut and I have to help her get out of it but I dont know how to exactly. Im not a parent myself and I live with my family. She lives in an apartment with trey.

I have more to say, but I will wait to see what people here say about what I typed so far first because Im not sure if I should reveal more without her permission. She wont see it but I dont want people bashing her...she does need help, she knows it and I want to help her but I dont know where to start honestly, or if she should get help from another place not me, but she refuses to do that -(parenting class). Shes good at parenting in ways, but some specific things she cant seem to do, and she needs help with improving their whole situation. I want to help them so badly, I need support to do it as im 18 too, not a parent, not independant, can I get support for this here?
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replied June 8th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
well thats good that you want to help her, thats what a real friend would do, im in that type of situation too. but the thing is, they won't get help unless they want it (and frankly, they should want it because they should want the best for their child) but thats not always the case.

good luck with it, i do n't know what her situation is and what alll she needs help with but i hope you can get her to listen and straighten up.
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replied June 9th, 2007
Hey Very Happy thanks for replying, good to know Im not the only one in this position....

One of the things is treys health. She doesnt smoke around him (thank god) she goes on the balcony, but she isnt feeding him very well.

I think she got so used to it being easy as she breastfed him for 12 months, she didnt have to get bottles cleaned, made up, heated or anything. I know breastfeeding is demanding in other ways, my point is its easier in those ways I mentioned.

She fed him ready made baby food in the jars you buy at supermarkets, from 5 months to 18 months. All she had to do was go buy them, pour it into a bowl for heating it in the microwave, and it was ready to give him.

By 18 months old, people (including me at that point!) were telling her she needed to start getting him onto real home made food, and stop the jars. She has done, but she never gave him the right foods often....if at all.

Now he's 3 and a half, this is the easy...and not very nutritious stuff she always gives him.

Breakfast: toast & jam or jam sandwiches

Lunch: jam sandwiches

Dinner: jam sandwiches
or toast & jam
or microwave fries with ketchup
or weetabix/rice krispies cereal with milk
or occasionally a tin of spaghetti bolognese (the tinned stuff is disgusting looking and smells nasty too....)

Snacks are sweets/candy mostly-(at least twice a day), occasionally a banana or apple, yoghurt everyday, he will sit there eating breadsticks or crackers out the box...., box of raisins, plain biscuits, ice cream, ice lollies.

Its a shame because he loves fruit and veggies but she never gives him veg, and rarely fruit only an apple or banana when she does. Its anything easy and snack like she gives him. She never cooks for him. The only time he gets any meat, is when she sometimes goes to the fish an chip shop and gets him fries with a small sausage.

I know she wants to improve his diet, she just keeps saying she doesnt know how, as though she needs direct instructions of what to do to make it a better diet. What should I write down for her? I said I will help, but Im not sure where to start here. Can someone help me out please? For treys sake...its really sad to know thats all he gets to eat. He wakes up hungry in the night so im told...he says his stomach hurts so she gives him a box of biscuits in bed and leaves him to it. Hes very skinny and pale, often tired and irritable aswell, his health is going to suffer worse in time....He doesnt even get milk to drink, its orange juice or blackcurrant with water. What should I write down for her to try to give him?
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replied June 9th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
wow, well um.. first of all not candy every single day, twice a day. candy is ok once in a while as a treat but not every single day..

and tell her to buy fruits and veggies, lots of them if he likes them.

and you can look up recipes online and give them to her, they tell her exactly what she needs and then she can cook an actual meal for him.


other than that im not sure... good luck!
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replied June 9th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Go online and research nutrition guidlines for a child and print it. If you need to spell it out. Ex: 6 servings of fruit and give examples, 5 servings of veggies (and give examples). It may seem ridiculous, but you may have to hold her hand to show her until she gets it. Don't demean her, and give her constructive critisism. I agree with .Terra, she won't accept help if she doesn't want to change.

I commend her for nursing for a year. There is something to be said for that! It is demanding and a huge committment, and it's not as easy as everyone says.
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replied June 9th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
she has had since 18 months to start feeding him healthy home cooked meals he is now 3 and half i dont think she is gonna start unless someone does it for her. she has had plenty of time to do whats right.



Edited to add: is there more to this story or is that all your fed up with?
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replied June 9th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
My son is two and he lives on toast with Marmite and yoghurt! Okay, so there's a bit more to it but he won't eat any fruit or veg. Some kids are just fussy. I keep offering it to him but he doesn't want to know.

Mind you, it sounds as if this girl doesn't have that problem as her kid actually wants to eat veges! Confused
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replied June 10th, 2007
Mommy35 I will do that asap, good idea thank you!
I believe she really does want to change. Whenever I bring up his diet and ask what shes giving him for dinner etc, she tries to avoid the subject, shes ashamed she doesnt feed him the best. IF i moan at her about it she gets upset (so I dont anymore) and makes the excuse of saying she doesnt have a clue what she should be feeding him, and cant be bothered with cooking and wants someone to help her. She has justified it...tried to at least, by saying hes a lot better fed than kids in africa and things like that. Mostly she admits she feels bad about it and says she wants to start feeding him better. But nothing happens, its just words and no actions.

Makes me so mad because if you live in a country where you have access to healthy foods and meats etc, and if you can afford it (she can), you should get them. She cant get her butt in gear and make the effort in the kitchen at all. Ive been at her home when the health visitor would be there, and listened to her lie about what she feeds him. She has a problem cooking meat because its 'bloody, difficult to cook, takes ages to cook' -her words...excuses.

She has depression (not badly), and chronic fatigue syndrome, meaning shes tired basically all the time. I reckon that contributes to her not being bothered to cook. But it aint really an excuse, she could still cook healthy. She drinks energy drinks before going out so shes not too tired, so she could drink one before cooking too.

Is it possible he could get taken off her if other people knew what she feeds him and reported it? Im the only one who knows so far, she lies about it to everyone else. But hes 3 and a half, hes going to start telling people what he eats pretty soon i reckon, once hes in school especially if a teacher asks him. Would they call her in to talk about it, or report her to social services for it? I know its not as serious like abuse, but if I see it as a form of neglect, imagine what a teacher or social services will think of it.

Purestgreen your situation is more understandable because yours doesnt like fruit or veg, trey loves it (my parents feed him sometimes when i babysit) he loves their home cooked meals! Makes me sad he never gets it at home and hes suffering because of it, hes very thin, pale, he gets really moody and seems tired in general. He needs vitamins and minerals, protein, carbohydrates, good fats etc like any other child.

Maybe a few parents here could type what they feed their children too? I will write down things from mommy35's suggestion aswell. Really appreciate all replies.

Chase4 no theres more stuff, I will write another issue in my next message. This one got very long -sorry.
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replied June 14th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
She could also buy the fruit cups with mixed fruits in them, joseph has those sometimes as a snack in the afternoon, we buy fresh fruit like grapes and strawberrys his favorite. some kids are picky but u also have to offer the right foods. A jam sandwich is ok once in a while but not for all 3 meals, she can buy sandwich meat , cheese, milk, bread, hot dogs on occasion, chicken, veggies. Is she on wic? I know it goes up to age 5 but they are really helpful with the nutrional guidelines etc. And helping kids eat healthy. its good he has yogurt. meat isnt that bad to cook, most of mine is baked, put the oven on 400 farenheit and it usually takes 20-30 min depending on the meat and the thickness etc, in my opinion she just sounds really lazy. pastas are good idea to. does she eat somewhat healthy or is it similar to his diet?
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replied June 14th, 2007
Especially eHealthy
my kids hate veg- layla more than logan like literally she will start screaming and get hystercial if i put it on her plate and try and force her to eat it so what do i do? i give her lots of fruit. bananas, grapes, freshley squeezed orange juice in a beaker (it takes lees than 2 mins to squeeze an orange) sultanas... basically i will give anything a try and try to give them at least two pieces a day.

my kids also drink 2 cups of whole milk a day which is brilliant for their bones and teeth. does her son have cows milk still?
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