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Is My Boyfriend An Alcoholic ??

hi all.

This is my first time to write here.
I am from Japan, so please excuse my broken english!
I really need other people's opinion about my boyfriend's drinking habit.

I woke up miserable this morning, because of the last night.
My boyfriend came back from a bar at 3 am, didn't seem that drunk this time. but he said that he only got 3 glasses of whisky and a couple beer.

When I was making a bed, I said ' My stomach hurts...'
because of my period and probably too much eating at dinner.
It was not serious at all. I just said it without expecting anything from my boyfriend. He also knows I am having my period now.
Then, he became really wierd about it. he started telling me that I am hypocondoriac. also he was talking about Peter and the Wolf, and I will be like the boy if I don't stop talking about the pain... I was just looking at him thinking `what is he talking about?'

Actually, it is true that I have been suffering from a wierd unknown pain for more than 15 years.It seems to get worse when the weather is cold or I am stressed out. I think that is what he was talking about last night. but I didn't have the pain. I was just having a cramp!

It seemed like he just wanted to argue with me or just be mean to me.
It happens often when he comes back from drinking. when he is more drunk, he gets more mean, yelling at me and makes me cry. when I start crying, he doesn't care either. He repeats the same thing over and over again, too. that annoyes me sooo much, because I can't have a regular conversation with him. I get really stressed out. When it happens, I always tried to leave him alone, because that just makes me so stressed out and mad at him. It becomes my anger toward to him. but he doesn't let me go. he just keeps following me and saying mean things to me over and over again until I go crazy and he falls asleep.

This happens a couple times a month now. this month has been more.
Since he is really nice when he is sober, I forget about how he gets when he drinks. One time, he got really drunk and tried to drive his huge van. He was already hitting some parked cars, so I 'stole' the van key and ran. because it was too dangerous. but he got really mad at me and pushed me down really hard on the floor inside the van, and it hurted my shoulder pretty bad. A couple days later, I went to see a doctor, but my boyfriend didn't admit that it was from him pushing me down. He said that it must be one of my body pain..... I asked him to pay for the medical bill, but he didn't. Every time he gets drunk and mean to me, I remember about that worst night, and tell him about it. but then he tells me that I am the crazy one who overreacts and hangs on the past so much.... but who would be that tolerant to a person who makes the same mistake over and over again??

He has fought with couple guys when he was drunk and injured them pretty bad a couple times within 10 years. He was doing Kung-fu for many years, so he is really good. but that scares me. one time, I tried to stop him from hitting some guy, but I couldn't. His move is too fast and too scarely.

I 've been trying to tell him to stop drinking, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't think he is that bad. His father is alcoholic, too, but according to my boyfriend, it is because his father went to Vietnum War. but I recently found out that his grandfather was an alcoholic, too.

My boyfriend says that he doesn't wanna stop drinking because he wants to have fun with his friends. However, to me, he doesn't seem happy at all after drinking. He always gets angry about his friends, and become really mean to me. He doesn't become violent to me, but I have seen him fighting with guys outside a couple times. Seems like he is waiting for some excuse he can go crazy over it.

He is a 30 years old. His mother thinks he has ADD and I sometimes think that he may have ADD. He is really energetic and gets paranoid pretty often even when he is sober. seems like he is always worried that people around him try to take advantage from him or something. He is not really patient. He always tries to take what he wants, but he knows how to be polite. People like him. They like going out to drink with him, too. I think his friends are also big drinkers.

I am seriously thinking about leaving him if he will continuously be like this even though I have so much fun to be with him when he is sober. But before giving up everything, I want to try everything I could to help him. but the thing is that he doesn't think he need a help.

I would like to hear other people's opinions about my situation. Also, I would like to know how he can realize that he has a drinking problem.

Thank you very much for reading this long topic!
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replied May 28th, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
It definitely sounds like he has a problem. I would not want to be in your situation. I think if you want to leave, that would probably be a good decision from the sound of it.

You can only help him so much. It sounds like he is not willing to help himself. If he cared about you, it seems like he would listen to you and take what you say seriously. If he does not remember how mean he gets to you, he should at least listen to you when you tell him about it the next day. It seems to me that if he cared about you, he would stop drinking just to stop hurting you if not for any other reason.

However, it sounds like he does not care if he hurts you and does not listen to you or believe what you say. Usually, relationships can't be very strong if one person does not care if they hurt the other.

If you want to try a little longer, you could suggest couples counseling, or Alcoholics Anonymous, or something similar. If he is not willing to go, then I would assume that he does not care what happens to the relationship since he isn't willing to put effort into it.
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replied May 31st, 2007
Experienced User
lotusgreentea

If your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and I don’t know if he is or not, but if he is, he is in the grip of something more powerful than even he realizes.

Llewellyn is right that he should treat you better, he should. But like I said, if he is one of us, an alcoholic, he will not. The power to just not drink, day after day, week after week, month after month just isn’t in him. And when he does drink, his worst traits come to the surface.

I am an alcoholic, and I understand what it is like to be so afraid of sobriety that I was fully prepared to throw away my family in order to stay drunk. I didn’t think that was what I was doing, but it was.

Pain, deep emotional and spiritual pain got my attention. Not my wife’s pain, not my kids pain but my pain. We are a selfish lot.

Stay if you want, or go. It won’t really make much difference. He has a hard path in front of him, and he needs to go through every bit of pain that awaits him if he has any hope of getting sober.

Llewellyn also had another bit of advice that I agree with 100% Alcoholics Anonymous. It saved my life. It saved my family. And it will work for him if he works it. But don’t be surprised if he refuses to go. We are more afraid of sobriety than you can imagine.

But luckily one day he will be in that lonely, lost and fearful place where he can not imagine life without alcohol, and he can not imagine life with it either. That lotusgreentea, is the stepping off point.

Richard
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replied May 31st, 2007
Thank You Very Much.
Llewellyn and Richard,

I really appriciated your advices.
I am not sure if he is really alcoholic or not,
but as long as some people agree with me,
that makes me feel better a little bit.

The other day, he finally admitted that he has a drinking problem and promised me that he would stop drinking hard liquor, since drinking whisky makes him worse. It took me over a year to get this point... but I am very happy about it. I hope this will bring our healthy relationship back again...

Thank you guys!
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replied May 31st, 2007
Experienced User
Is My Boyfriend An Alcoholic
Loutsgreentea,
I am the daughter of a drunk. She died of it. She developed cirrosis of the liver. My estranged brother is a recovering drunk. It can run in families.
He needs to admit it and do something, you cannot change him. He has to want this. And if he still drinks the (light stuff) he is still a drunk.
An alcoholic can slip at any time. It is a life long struggle. One that he has to want to fix.
For your own safety, you need to leave. Maybe if you left it would be a wake up call and he would seek the help he desperately needs.
Good luck and I hope you make the right decision. Wink
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replied August 13th, 2007
Experienced User
You Can't Reason With a Drunk Don't Try
leaving to save yourself is a choice but if your determined to suffer through at least be good to yourself what he is doing he chooses and when he comes home drunk what he does to you you choose to let him or else you could leave a note explaining you will return to a sober guy or not return that day .....If he cares for the relationship at all the drink clouds it until he quits he will be like two people all the time ...and you will be handy for him to take it out on ....they dont have to hit us to hurt us what they say when they are drunk can scar us like acid burns .....and you can not even discuss it the next day cause he won't remember he said it.....so choose to leave and give him the option to clean it up and you can come back when he does or put up with him and see how long you can take it ......dont grow old with a drunk .......choose life and a man who loves you not drink.......good luck.....wazzywoman
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