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Can't Amount to the Good

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I don't think I can amount to anyone I consider good and successful. I just can't do good in school. Even people in my own school are doing better than me. I can't start over again because it would cost too much money.

Then there are the people in university. One of my sisters is one year older than me and she just finished her third year in university and going on to the summer courses while I'm failing high school courses. Then there are the people who are like two years younger than me who finished their first year in university and are going to take their summer courses or if they didn't survive their first year, they at least made it to university. No university or college would accept me with this performance. This crap is all my fault.

I'm also tired of being so introverted. All I can do is say "Hi" or "'Sup" or whatever to people. Even when I try to have a conversation to people, it's nothing. I don't know anything about stuff, so how I can talk to people about stuff? I'm not interested in anything to know about them.

I got Facebook like almost three weeks ago and I only have two people on my list and I only know one of them. When I added the person I knew and she added me back, I was happy to become reacquainted with her since she was nice and seemed to actually like me, unlike a lot of people when I talk to them, when I knew her in person. The problem is that when I talked to her, she didn't seem too excited to talk to me again, but maybe I shouldn't have taken it to heart. However, I saw that she had a lot of actual friends she was busy with and I think they had plans to actually hang out. I see her pictures and I see her having fun with a bunch of her friends. I feel so left out that I can't be a part of not only her social life, but everyone else I'm interested in becoming friends with as well. I mean, I see there are people I'm interested in becoming friends with that have Facebook accounts as well, but I'm too speculated (Is that the right word?) that they would be too freaked out and things would be too awkward in certain occasions. Whether I see their pictures, see or hear their conversations about what they do, or actually see them do stuff and having fun, I feel that just won't have as much fun and happiness as these people.

I remember in high school I never I got experience the fun that could've came out of it unlike so much other students I saw. I don't know about other schools, but events with activities were held frequently in the atrium at lunchtime and I don't recall attending any one of the events ever in those three years. Every lunch hour for those three years I was either hiding in the library or some other room or outside where I walked far away from school because I was too embarrassed to show my loner self to the public of the school. Most people were hanging out with other people during that time while I had no one.

Things have been like this for too long now. For as long as I can remember and actually just keeps getting worse over the years. I think I remember I started getting suicidal thoughts in the seventh grade after the same ordeal still existed in a more primary state in elementary when I still had some friends. The thing is that in the seventh grade I actually thought I was make a whole lot more friends though, so I don't remember exactly why I had those thoughts. It was probably for attention. Obviously, I blew it though just a few months after I started the seventh grade. Things just started to get progressively worse even though I thought it had gotten better in the twelfth grade when the bully decreased to the point I didn't notice it except on a few occasions. I still feel just as lonely because I got zero friends now and I haven't performed this horrible in school in my entire life.

Sorry for that being long. I just had to get all that off my chest.

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