I'm a newbie, so let me know if I messed on something wierd or whatever.

last September, i fell into a depression. A self-induced depression I forced apon myself as best I could. I just focused on the bad and for some reason generally wanted to feel like crap. I felt alone at the time and didn't want a reason to be happy, but never have I thought about cutting myself in my life until that month. Out of pure curiousity, i picked up a razor just to try to understand what they get out of it. It began simple enough, but soon turned into a bit of a rush. I cut myself about 10 times then and stopped since. My life right now is actually pretty good. I got a decent job, i took up snowboarding, i'm about to go to college. Everything is fine. I don't want to be depressed. However, i'm been feelng an urgency on cutting again. Not out of a meloncholy melody or lonelyness or anything like that. I just think of the act in my head, then I feel my heartbeat quickening and feel tense. Like a rush again. After cleaning a blade, i went to my room and just held it in my hands for a while and focused on my heartbeat and my shaking hand. I was nervous, but not scared. I cut myself only once and watch the blood run. It wasn't that pain that I enjoyed though, it was just the act itself. This strong act of self-harm being such a dark and dramatic event. Watching the blood drip and bubble out was pretty intense. I feel fine and cool. Nothing really different and my life with go on as usually. But i'm cutting myself out of pure enjoyment I guess. Like something to do after work or when the timing is right. Idk, what would someone make of this.
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replied April 1st, 2007
Cutting
My story is pretty much identicle to yours. I started cutting out of curiosity and then pretty soon it took ahold of me. I am in recovery and I haven't cut myself for a long, long time, but sometimes even when I'm totally okay and not in the least depressed, just thinking about the act makes me want to do it. I think that cutting is kind of like smoking. It's an addiction, so even after you stop, when you see someone doing it on a tv show, or one of your friends or even thinking about yourself, it bring up those old memories of feeling the excitement and the release.

Are you currently going to a councelor? This one of those things you should have a certified professional to talk with about. Having therapy really helped me out. I don't think I would have stopped cutting if it weren't for my psychologist. He just knew the right thing to say to me... it's hard to explain...

Anyways, if you decide that talking to someone is a good idea, which I think it always is, a good web resource it www.goodtherapy.org . It's an international listing of therapists, and you just put in your general location and the search engine pulls up all the therapists, councelors, psychologists etc... in that area. It's really cool and free, so check it out.

I hope that you are able to stop cutting and that you find someone helpful to talk to.
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replied April 2nd, 2007
To me, it just seems theorapy is just a place for you to face your problems dead on and find the answer you already knew the solution to, but just didn't want to confront. What could a psychiatrist possibly tell me that I don't already know. it's could be just experiemental and will go away with time. But at the same time, I do want to stop this. Like I said before, the act broke down to be just another activity when no one is around. But I can't wear longs sleeves forever, people will start to wonder. This is all BS though, I know I shouldn't be doing this. I've known better all my life. But I block out all rationality and just do it anyway and regret it later.
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replied April 2nd, 2007
self-induced depression? you got curious and decided to cut yourself? bet you felt all big and bad with that blade in your hand. real cutters have a physical need to cut. i can't believe you actually wanted to be depressed. i have real depression and i'd give anything for it to go away, to not need to slice open my arms on a regular basis. what a poser.
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replied May 11th, 2007
Ok, so I almost exactly understand what you are saying....I too had a "self induced depression" you could say. Or at least I made myself believe. I have a long list of family issues...who doesn't right?...that is all anyone ever tells me. Anyway, my father was and is to this day a drug-addict and my mother....well crazy, but probably because my dad made her that way. He had is way of playing head games. But anytime i ever tried to talk to anyone about it....including my mom, they just told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it. They always said "its not the worst thing in the world.." which it isn't but that doesn't mean i dont need help. So I in a way forced myself to show them that I did. But cutting was never an attention seeker. I honestly did that because I felt I needed it to...and I relapse from time to time. Though i always did like scars, I try to hide them now. I guess I hated my dad so much because i had my own addiction. So anyway, though I forced myself to make my depression worse, I did suffer from minor depression (it runs in my family along with scitzophrenia...can't spell). And as far as cutting, I first tried it because I knew people got a "release" from it. And it all spiraled out of control from there.
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replied May 11th, 2007
Oh and I wanted to add. Not that i am trying to be mean or anything but how can you call someone a poser because they cut? Even if someone did cut just to be "cool' doesn't mean that something isn't wrong. The average person doesn't cut themselves, though it is more and more common. Also those trying to seek attention...they do feel that they "need" to cut. They need to cut for someone to notice that they are hurting. You don't cut if you aren't depressed. You may once but you don't do it over and over. And "self-induced" depression, I feel that those trying to be depressed actually ARE depressed they just can't express that emotion. Obivously they are just trying to find a diagnosis for something that is going on. They just want an answer to their problem, doesn't mean they are right or wrong. They just want to feel. I never was good at expressing my feelings. I could be angry, happy, excited, sad...and they are very little difference between them. If I won a million dollars all I would probably say is...thats awesome. So I was and am feeling depressed but I forced myself into a deeper depression because no one would notice and nobody cared...doesn't mean i wasn't depressed.
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replied July 16th, 2007
I agree with you this_is_me. - I believe I've been starting to build up a mild depression over the last few years, but the thing is, it feels like I switch between feeling generally low, and not feeling at all. - I got to know few people that cut a few years ago, and it kinda made me curious. So now I sometimes feel the urge to cut, or just hurt myself without any apparent reason (I don't have to see all black to feel the urge). I have been scraping on a few occasions earlier, but it was nevr something I used to think of several times a week. I haven't gone any further than that though, so I don't have any marks yet.

Cutting without having a severe depression does not have to mean you're a poser. - I would never dare to cut or scrape anywhere that I believed my parents or friends could see it. - Never. It's just the sensation that it gives, and sometimes the feeling that it will either take the pain away, or the oposite; that it ill make you able to feel.
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