Hi everyone my name is keith and I am a long time lurker but first time poster this is a bit long

i am recently separated from my wife and in an extreme depression, overwhelmed with anxiety and heart wrenched.
The story is way to long to post everything.
The heart of the matter is we both got into the relationship (12 years ago) for the wrong reasons.We both needed someone; she was in the middle of a divorce with a child involved and I just had 2 deaths of very close relatives. From the start we developed an intense passionate love for one another and we married 6 years ago and have a child but due to the baggage, the resentment formed on both sides and we never addressed it. Over the years things deteriorated and last week the pot boiled over again and she left.We used to be best friend now we don't talk I miss my best friend.

Without really getting too much into details let me first address my issues:

anger problem- no it never got physical
(i went to anger management years ago but the exercises they gave me stopped working for me)

jealousy issues
(i've always been jealous of her first husband who recently died and that stirred up some unresolved emotions in her and widened the growing gap between us)

stubborn
(i don't surrender for anything even when i'm wrong I need to win the argument or at least get my point across and my anxiety starts to make me obsess over issues)

porn addiction
(she begged me to stop and I was in denial about it and couldn't stop and started sneaking and lying)

I'm opinionated/brash/impatient
(I've embarrassed her, not so much by being wrong but by not shutting up. I speak what's on my mind and don't like to wait for anything)

trust issues
(i don't let anyone in too close, in some ways I emotionally neglected her but that was tied to the jealousy issues as well as other issues from my past)

issues with her son
(we are couldn't get along for more than a few days at a time, he has some similar personalty traits to me and has far worse issues in addition to them)

codependency
(i have always been needed to be the go to guy so to speak from childhood on and she has aways needed a crutch so we feed each other dependency)

my depression
(some of my baggage entering this relationship has been with me forever and I always lived in denial about how bad it is and when I would admit that I am depressed I thought I could handle it)

resentful/unappreciated
(she has rarely worked and when she does it's relatively low wages, she doesn't drive and I am the chauffeur. It was agreed that if she don't work outside the home she works in the home and nothing gets done so after work I end up doing housework)

emotionally abusive
(the culmination of these issues led me start making snide comments and make accusations about infidelity
and threats of cheating or divorce from my end)


now let me address her issues


anger problem
(once provoked she is unstoppable with her rage mostly her comments but she has gotten physical once or twice and she tries to get me to respond physically by invading my space with aggressive hand gestures I WON'T respond physically I'm 6'3" 275# she's 5'7" 125#)

victimized
(everything is about how she was hurt by everyone and turns to the first person who will listen and agree with her,which has been the sympathetic male friend lately she assures me he is just a friend and given her history with honesty I am inclined to believe her)

hurtful
(i asked her to stop associating with the friend because it made me uneasy and I look like a fool to everyone she told me she's allowed to have friends and it is her right to independence she is choosing not her friend and she don't care what I say)

manipulative
(attempts to pit people against on another and recruit allies in her battle)

codependency/enabler
(she was just as dependent on her first husband as she is with me/she never makes her son accountable for anything and makes excuses for his bad behavior)

drama queen
(makes issues bigger than they are or need to be)

lives in the past
(she drags up arguments,comments,actions and anything else she can from the past to use against me today)

low self esteem
she is gorgeous,looks like gwen steffani
(her childhood,her sister always beating her down, and first husband laid the groundwork for this monster and I didn't help matters much with a few heartless and hurtful comments topped off with my porn addiction, she always wonders why guy's don't notice her but they do and either don't approach her or only the weirdos do, I know she don't want a new guy but let's face it when some either flirts with you or hits on you it is a boost in your ego)

abandonment issues
(goes back to her parents divorce and both them abandoning her emotionally then her first husband cheated and left her and I am not the warmest person)

emotionally abusive
(it usually comes to surface sex department I am a sex addict and she used to have a much stronger sex drive and I understand that my porn addiction has contributed to this but she has started to use sex as a weapon holding out and teasing me getting me all worked up and pulling the plug and it starts creating confusion and tearing at my self esteem i'm a good looking guy too I get hit on frequently )


the result we have split even after we have mentioned marriage counseling (her idea at first and I was unreceptive at first but I agree now).Now we have both agreed to seek individual counseling to work on ourselves before we attempt to work on the marriage. She told me she still loves me but she needs to work on herself and become independent. She doesn't know if she wants to get back together only time will tell(there goes my patience issue), but she needs to be able to offer something in a relationship either to me or someone else in the future(and I agree).I do love her and want for us to reconcile and I also agree we both need to be mentally healthy before we can move forward with or without one another. Is my marriage dead,is she telling me she wants to move on without saying so. Or is just that time will heal all wounds and we are on the right path to healing.

Honestly this is the abridged version I could go on for weeks with 12 years worth of relationship to cover.

If I had to place blame on who did what. I have to go with 40% for each of us and 20% for her son who always drove a wedge into our relationship, I don't think placing blame is constructive so I won't do it and i'll just work on my issues.I have my first counseling session tomorrow and her first is the following day with the same counselor so they can get a better perspective on each of us and so if we make it to marriage counseling the ground work has been laid.

I know kids are mentioned but we both agreed to put them first and work together for them even though her son is now 18. We are using what we call the A B C approach.

A=kids first priority
b=ourselves second priority
c=marriage third priority

thanks in advance to any insight any one has

I also posted his in relationships and marriage before I found this thread
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replied March 5th, 2007
Experienced User
ntmd
you are not alone. please read some of my posts and you will see. it sucks waiting and not knowing. it also sucks knowing that it may be too little too late. my wife and i separated on 12-29 and although we are roommates at the present - technically we are still separated because we do not act as a couple. i feel your pain there are a few of us here who know what you are going through. it helps to talk. other than that i can only suggest waiting and therapy - fix yourself and then worry about the rest. anytime you need to get something off your chest or just need to talk pm me. may take me awhile to get back but i will. good luck
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replied March 5th, 2007
Supporter
You described yourself and it sounds so very much like myself.....I am harsh,brass and do not sugar coat things. My father (God rest his soul) use to tell me to go along, don't rock the boat...I tip the damned thing over....I speak the truth, although it may not be what someone wants to hear. And, I am very opinionated. I hit the big 50 this year and have been through several relationships. took me several tried until I found my husband now. To me, I strongly believe, if you aren't working outside the home, then you should work inside the home. I was a single mom, worked 40 hours a week as a research lab tech, had clothes on clothes line by 6 am every morning. My house stayed clean laundry done and supper was always on the table by 6. I know this can be done as I had to do it plus raise my daughter. I also know what its like to have step children, as I had a step daughter and 2 step sons. The wedge can only be put there if you allow it. I truly believe you need to go on in oyur life and find someone else.The two of your together...after12 years are still abusive to one another and time is not gonna change things. You both are set in your ways and neither willing to change........Why won't she drive? I fell you both would be better off and happier rather than sitting back waiting (depressed) on another downfall......just my opinion GOOD LUCK!
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