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I didnt really know where to put this post but I am hoping to get some help and advice. Sorry its so long..

In january 2005 I had an abortion I was about 8/9 weeks. When it was over I felt nothing but relief, when I look back now it as if it didnt really happen to me, my memories feel more like a dream than real life. After a few months I was racked with guilt, I remembered at the time why it was right for me but after thinking about it so much it drove me mad!.

By december 2005 I decided to try for a baby, I already had 2 boys. I know this will sound sick to some people. How could I try for a baby so soon after the abortion, the truth is I dont know, I dont know whether I was trying to replace the baby I lost or what. I was diagosed not long after with pcos and told that it could take me a long time if ever to concieve. I became totally obcessed. I told myself everyday that the reason why I am having so much trouble getting pregnant again is because of karma. It was a way of telling me its what I deserved, my punishment.

After a year of trying I fell pregnant in november last year I am now 16 weeks and incredibly happy. Well I should be, dont get me wrong I want this baby more than anything but I am beginning to find it really hard to get through the day. I feel extreme guilt and I am soo ashamed of what I did. I feel constantly depressed and find myself crying all the time. I am convinced there is something wrong with my baby, I think I am going to lose it or theres going to be something wrong because of the karma thing again. Its my punishment and I am sitting waiting for it to happen. I so wanted to enjoy this pregnancy because its probably going to be my last, I think 3 children is enough!
I dont see the point in buying anything or getting excited though because I honestly believe there will end up being no baby. My partner knows abit of how I feel but doesnt understand he just says 'dont be silly everythings fine' noone else knows because I am too ashamed to talk of the abortion.

I dont know what to do anymore I know some people will probably say I deserve to feel like this and they are probably right. I dont deserve to be pregnant again. Maybe I am just going mad!! But I am so fed up of pretending to be happy and confident.
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replied February 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Hi, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so bad.

I recommend you take a look at this site because it is fabulous for helping women who are grieving their abortions. It is non-judgemental and not religious so it won't send you on a guilt trip.

www.passboards.org (all lower case)

I wish you all the best.
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replied February 21st, 2007
Especially eHealthy
Re: Post Abortion Stress??
Jolie_3110 wrote:
I didnt really know where to put this post but I am hoping to get some help and advice. Sorry its so long..

In january 2005 I had an abortion I was about 8/9 weeks. When it was over I felt nothing but relief, when I look back now it as if it didnt really happen to me, my memories feel more like a dream than real life. After a few months I was racked with guilt, I remembered at the time why it was right for me but after thinking about it so much it drove me mad!.

By december 2005 I decided to try for a baby, I already had 2 boys. I know this will sound sick to some people. How could I try for a baby so soon after the abortion, the truth is I dont know, I dont know whether I was trying to replace the baby I lost or what. I was diagosed not long after with pcos and told that it could take me a long time if ever to concieve. I became totally obcessed. I told myself everyday that the reason why I am having so much trouble getting pregnant again is because of karma. It was a way of telling me its what I deserved, my punishment.

After a year of trying I fell pregnant in november last year I am now 16 weeks and incredibly happy. Well I should be, dont get me wrong I want this baby more than anything but I am beginning to find it really hard to get through the day. I feel extreme guilt and I am soo ashamed of what I did. I feel constantly depressed and find myself crying all the time. I am convinced there is something wrong with my baby, I think I am going to lose it or theres going to be something wrong because of the karma thing again. Its my punishment and I am sitting waiting for it to happen. I so wanted to enjoy this pregnancy because its probably going to be my last, I think 3 children is enough!

I dont see the point in buying anything or getting excited though because I honestly believe there will end up being no baby. My partner knows abit of how I feel but doesnt understand he just says 'dont be silly everythings fine' noone else knows because I am too ashamed to talk of the abortion.

I dont know what to do anymore I know some people will probably say I deserve to feel like this and they are probably right. I dont deserve to be pregnant again. Maybe I am just going mad!! But I am so fed up of pretending to be happy and confident.


You are punishing yourself for no reason!

You are not "sick" for wanting a baby so soon! Some women try to get pregnant again less than a month after an abortion.

There is no outside force punishing you... you are guilting yourself, causing yourself this pain, but you have absolutely no reason to do so!

You have done nothing wrong. Absoultely nothing!

Everything will be fine with your current pregnancy, as long as you relax and keep yourself healthy! There's something called a self-fulfilling prophecy: you believe something bad will happen, and you stress over it so much that you actually cause it to happen.

What may have caused your difficulty getting pregnant again was residual physical effects of the pregnancy... but more likely, it was your own stress and worry.

You have no reason to think there is something wrong with the baby; I assume you have gone in for ultrasounds and the deal. So you know there is nothing wrong.

I think you need to talk to someone, perhaps a therapist, and get some help with your feelings of unwarrented guilt. Stress can adversely affect your pregnancy.

You felt relief after the abortion; and that was the proper response. Abortion is supposed to relieve stress, not cause it! And it did relieve it, until you started beating yourself up.
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replied February 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
Thank you for your responses, I am going to check out the link!

Its strange but just writing this post seemed to help abit, I havent properly talked about it to anyone so I feel alittle of the weight is off my shoulders.

I have thought about going to the doctors to see if I can be referred for some counselling but I thought I would sound stupid. Now though I think if talking about it here has helped abit maybe talking over counselling would be a good idea. I will see how the next few days go. Thanks again.
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replied February 21st, 2007
Extremely eHealthy
No worries. I think seeing your doc is a good idea - just remember that you are not alone; there are lots of women who understand where you are coming from.

Best of luck and enjoy your pregnancy!
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