My husband and I have been married for 22 1/2 years. We have had an emotionally up and down marriage throughout. We have two children, ages 10 and 5. My husband, who is 46, recently said that he felt like he had to find happiness in life. He feels as though he never was meant to be a father and that he was forced into the decision (our children are adopted.) he loves our girls, but does not want to have the day to day boredom of family life. He is very dedicated to auto racing and the gym, but has never taken an active part in anything that concerns me or our children. I have not been a perfect wife, but have always been faithful and tried to be the peacekeeper. My husband has a history of problems with anger control and has been absolutely horrible (verbally only) to his mom, brother and myself. I tend to spend my time focusing on the children and he has felt left out over the years. I stopped going with him to the things that he finds important (football games, racing etc.) as I do not share the extreme interest that he has and in addition he shows no interest in doing anything that is important to me or the children.

He has said that he would like to try a trial separation to see if being apart feels right for him and that he is not making a mistake in leaving us. I told him that I was not in agreement with that and that instead we should pursue divorce. I will be the one filing, but find myself feeling like the one who is the monster. We are all still living in the same home, but it is a very, very uncomfortable arrangement. I will be filing this week and the papers will be served soon after.

Why do I feel so rotten when he is the one who began this journey??? He is not asking me not to file, just making me feel very guilty for not giving him the time to decide if he still wants to be a family. He blames me for his lack of a relationship with me and the children. I have been told how overbearing I have been in terms of allowing him to get close to the kids.

Our children seem to be doing okay with all of this as they are not accustomed to spending much time with him anyway.

Why do I feel so terrible sometimes and so wonderful (like a bird about to escape a cage) others?????

Kk2211
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replied September 4th, 2006
Experienced User
Well, the first thought that comes to my mind is ..............What about the children?How do they feel about this?Is he the "fun-type" daddy that takes them out once in awhile? In that case, i'd say better a little than nothing at all. Better a poor dad than nothing................Besides as they get older they'll figure it out themselves.

As for the trial separation, what will be the difference to you and the kids?Or are you just delaying the inevitable?Why does he want it?To delay child support payments? You have to figure out if this arrangement will help or just hinder the final divorce.

Maybe you feel rotten cause.......................1) he said it first........Even though the "words" were there, probably for a long time..........Just left unsaid....................2)women are brought up seen as the caretakers of the family and you perhaps feel as though you failed......3)a divorce is often like a death, and your supposed to feel rotten etc.

All in all, it sounds like it's over............................But if you do want to save the relationship or to try a trial separation or have an amicable split......................Try not to be so "overbearing" with the kids and help him to develop a relationship with them.

I totally understand the "bird in a cage" thing...................There was and still is a great need to fly free and stay that way.

Sorry if this sounds cold hearted............................Just my way of analyzing stuff. :)
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replied September 5th, 2006
Thanks For Your Reply
Thanks for your thoughts. I still cannot decide why I feel so horrible. I am trying to realistic about what divorce is ultimately going to mean for all of us. This is not a decision that is taken lightly.

I believe that his idea of a trial separation is simply to allow him to be sure that he can live on his own with the safety net of knowing that he could come back to what is familiar to him if he is not comfortable. He as much as admitted that was a large part of why he is upset that I am filing for divorce. He is still watching out for himself first.

My husband is not an evil man, but is a very, very selfish man. He has always come first in his mind. I am certainly not perfect, but I have tried over all of these years to be the mender. I had a dream of a family, loving and together. He advised me that was my dream, not his. He told us he felt like he needed to find happiness in his life as he is 46 years old and has never been truly happy. He casts blame on everyone but himself: i.E. His parents, brother, the family business, me etc. When someone meets him on a peripheral sense, they love him. He is kind and caring in many ways, and selfish and self centered in many others.

I have always defended him to his parents (when his dad was alive) and tried to be the peace keeper. I am tired.

I have always known how he felt about having a family, but would never admit it to myself. He loves our girls, but on his terms and schedule. He has always had free time to do whatever he wanted, but held a grudge when I would not participate in what he wanted to do. Perhaps I should have tried harder to do what he wanted, but I am resentful and hurt that he never wanted to be with us doing what we wanted to do either.

I am so torn up about ending a 25 year relationship (22 married) that I feel like I am going crazy. Even though, he came to me first, said the words etc. In my heart, I know that this is the right thing for both of us, but it is easily the most difficult thing I have ever done.

In the end, I am going to be perceived as the "bad guy" as I am the one filing for the divorce. I wish it could be different, but it never has been and probably never will be. As I said, he is having major second thoughts now only because he is the one having to leave the home and move to a sparse apartment. Oddly enough, this is what he wanted: to be alone. Now that he is getting it, he is turning the tables and placing all the guilt on me.

I hope I make it through this.
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replied September 5th, 2006
Experienced User
Of course your going to make it through it sweetie......................Just another speed bump in the road of life. Maybe a trial separation is something you both need..................And even if it benefits him more, perhaps it's one last thing you can do for him............To help him get through it.........We all work and adjust at different levels................So maybe he and you need more time. It's nice to put the final period and then move on with your life but we have to consider all those involved and they and you probably need a little more time.

You put a lot of years into this marriage.........Found out it's just not happening..................Now it's time to cut loose and find true happiness for yourself.....................Eventually he and the children will understand. Been there, done that.................And when that special someone comes along......................Try and wipe that smile off your face.

I've met the type that's kind to others but for whatever reason miss the mark when it comes to their families...................Not fooled and not impressed here...........I am always watching and waiting for people to show their true colours.

As i'm so fond of saying (in real life)..................
......"in the grand scheme of things does any of this really matter"............
......Probably not, in the final analysis i'd say, "enough time wasted, time to be happy!"

~don't worry, whatever you decide.............At least no one's pretending anymore and it's all out in the open~ :)
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replied September 5th, 2006
You might give a moment's thought to the possibility that your husband is practicing a little manipulation here. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and partners in trouble seem to vie for the title of 'victim' sometimes. Your situation makes for emotionally horrible times, and i'm sorry that you are going through all this, but keep your eyes open where it comes to what your partner says, and consider whether he might have more than one reason to take that approach.

Having said that, with children involved, (and I speak from personal experience, so I don't mean this in a critical way), you are both parents first, and unhappy spouses second. This doesn't mean that either of you should suffer stoically for the sake of the kids, but as you separate, or divorce, try to work on being parents of your 2 kids (which you will always be) as you go through the process. I think that children are often better served by happy divorced parents than miserable parents in the same house. Try to work together, and seek professional counseling, and keep your chin up. It'll get better..
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replied September 5th, 2006
It Just Gets Worse
Thanks again for all of your care and words of wisdom. I still am in a state of shock that our lives have come to this final, sad end. I am such a sucker for sadness that I know that I am being manipulated to some degree. My husband really wants to try the "single" life and see whether or not he is comfortable with it. In the meantime, I am supposed to continue to run the house, take care of the kids (all things I have done all along anyway) and give him the time he needs to "find" himself.

At first, I was angry. Now I just feel sad. I don't see a future for us, but cannot believe it just the same. I am seeing my attorney tomorrow for advice on how to proceed with this.

My best friend cannot believe that I don't hate him. I just don't. I have been with this man for 25 years and for better or worse we have grown up together.

I believe that our children will be just fine. They never have spent much time with him so that is not going to be a big change. As a matter of fact, they may get to spend more one on one time with him once this is over.

I know that nothing is going to make this better. We have lost the "spark." I just hate the guilt trip that he is putting on me for filing for divorce. He, after all, wanted the separation first.

Thanks again
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