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Broken Up And Confused (Page 1)

Hi there
i've read quite a few of the posts here and already feel better that I am not alone in experiencing some of the things that I have. I met someone online and we have been going out for about two months. He could be incredibly affectionate one day when we meet and then the next it was like he had just switched from me completely. He didn't touch me at all and seemed disconnected. I didn't know what to make of it and in a weird way wasn't as hurt as I could have been because it just didn't make sense and I felt that he's not a bad person maybe just confused about things. Every few weeks he would say that really we should be friends and that he didn't feel that this was a relationship, it would be better if we kept it casual but he knew I woudlnt want that. He said he really fancied me, enjoyed being with me, thought I was good for him, but thought I was more of a friend. I would say that we should just see where it goes, we don't have to make a decisions about what it is, lets just enjoy it. From the first time he said this though, I kind of backed off. I didn't initiate any meeting, but he would always contact me and text me and we would meet often. I actually felt I had no time for anything else in my life, I was either with him reacting to the mood he was in or thinking about him and trying to work it out. I should also add here, that I am a virgin and while we had attempted intercourse a few times, I had found it painful so we stopped. On one occasion when we stopped, he just seemed to switch off from me and wouldn't talk much. He said he felt silly and rejected and seemed to have little though at all for how I felt. On other occasions he couldn't be more lovely. I hadn't been sure how a man woudl react to this anyway so thought maybe this is normal.
This week on monday he basically split up with me and said that we were friends and we couldn't pretend that it was casual because we were seeing a lot of each other etc and he didnt want a relationship with me. It wasn't a surprise and he said he'd been up all sunday night thinking about it and had taken the day off work. We went back to my flat and he told me that 18m ago he had been diagnosed with bi-polar. He hasn't told anyone except his best friend. He cried a lot when he told me. I was almost relieved since it made some things make more sense, and also concerned if I am honest about what I might be taking on. He stayed that night but in the morning again was detached. He asked me if I wanted to still see him and I said of course, but he said he didnt know in what form. We met again on wednesday when I said that I didn't want to put pressure but I didn't understand where we were. He said that what he said on monday stood, that he felt we were more friends that anything else. When I tried to talk to him, he was just closed up and defensive and we left it in a not so nice way. I texted him the next day because I didn't like that and we met and I said that it was ok and since we had both exchanged intimate things along the way it would be a shame to leave it like this. We had a good evening and talked more honestly than we ever had and he stayed over again. In the morning he was ok, a bit detached but ok. He left and hasn't been in contact for a day or two. I'm not sure how much of this is down to bi-polar or just that it wasn't working. I think it is probably a good thing it is finished, but not quite sure where to take things from here. He told me he doesn't have many close friends and his relationships with women last no more than a few weeks. He says he is picky but I think he just finds something to stop a relationship progressing. He says he tried to make this work but it can't and he was forcing it. I should add that I really don't know what I wanted here. I think maybe I got caught up on the rollercoaster. Just feel confused at the moment. Any thoughts??
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First Helper scorpioness
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replied August 12th, 2006
Re: Broken Up And Confused
bedfor wrote:
hi there
i've read quite a few of the posts here and already feel better that I am not alone in experiencing some of the things that I have. I met someone online and we have been going out for about two months. He could be incredibly affectionate one day when we meet and then the next it was like he had just switched from me completely. He didn't touch me at all and seemed disconnected. I didn't know what to make of it and in a weird way wasn't as hurt as I could have been because it just didn't make sense and I felt that he's not a bad person maybe just confused about things. Every few weeks he would say that really we should be friends and that he didn't feel that this was a relationship, it would be better if we kept it casual but he knew I woudlnt want that. He said he really fancied me, enjoyed being with me, thought I was good for him, but thought I was more of a friend. I would say that we should just see where it goes, we don't have to make a decisions about what it is, lets just enjoy it. From the first time he said this though, I kind of backed off. I didn't initiate any meeting, but he would always contact me and text me and we would meet often. I actually felt I had no time for anything else in my life, I was either with him reacting to the mood he was in or thinking about him and trying to work it out. I should also add here, that I am a virgin and while we had attempted intercourse a few times, I had found it painful so we stopped. On one occasion when we stopped, he just seemed to switch off from me and wouldn't talk much. He said he felt silly and rejected and seemed to have little though at all for how I felt. On other occasions he couldn't be more lovely. I hadn't been sure how a man woudl react to this anyway so thought maybe this is normal.

This week on monday he basically split up with me and said that we were friends and we couldn't pretend that it was casual because we were seeing a lot of each other etc and he didnt want a relationship with me. It wasn't a surprise and he said he'd been up all sunday night thinking about it and had taken the day off work. We went back to my flat and he told me that 18m ago he had been diagnosed with bi-polar. He hasn't told anyone except his best friend. He cried a lot when he told me. I was almost relieved since it made some things make more sense, and also concerned if I am honest about what I might be taking on. He stayed that night but in the morning again was detached. He asked me if I wanted to still see him and I said of course, but he said he didnt know in what form. We met again on wednesday when I said that I didn't want to put pressure but I didn't understand where we were. He said that what he said on monday stood, that he felt we were more friends that anything else. When I tried to talk to him, he was just closed up and defensive and we left it in a not so nice way. I texted him the next day because I didn't like that and we met and I said that it was ok and since we had both exchanged intimate things along the way it would be a shame to leave it like this. We had a good evening and talked more honestly than we ever had and he stayed over again. In the morning he was ok, a bit detached but ok. He left and hasn't been in contact for a day or two. I'm not sure how much of this is down to bi-polar or just that it wasn't working. I think it is probably a good thing it is finished, but not quite sure where to take things from here. He told me he doesn't have many close friends and his relationships with women last no more than a few weeks. He says he is picky but I think he just finds something to stop a relationship progressing. He says he tried to make this work but it can't and he was forcing it. I should add that I really don't know what I wanted here. I think maybe I got caught up on the rollercoaster. Just feel confused at the moment. Any thoughts??


while reading your post, I just could not help but cry. It reminded me of my situation, and how much I hate him right now...And I hate myself even more, because he has me wrapped around his fingers. And that is what I feel, but it's not his fault that he is this way...But it is my fault for allowing it. Unfortunately, I wish I could say that it's just a phase... But from my experience, it's not. It wont go away, it might get calmed and seem as though everything is alright, but out of the blue, something may trigger it. Unless he takes his medication. But most of the time, he doesnt. (i say he, because I dont want to say "they" because I am just speaking of my experience. ) and a lot of people that I know just do not believe in taking medications because it makes them feel numb and fake.

I sometimes feel I am bipolar, simply because I am thinking of him. He is not good for me. I just got into a car accident because I wanted to see him so badly, even though I knew it wasnt good. I am becoming self-destructive like I once was--and it's because of him. I dont blame him, but I guess I dont have the patience that it requires. I cant go 2 wks without hearing from someone I love without any explainations, I cant go 2 weeks without knowing you're alive. I cant do it. My weakness is that I care too much. And it's been 2 months since we last spoke.

What is the problem u ask... It's not the first time. Last time it lasted 4 months! 4 months!! 4 months of me wasting my life...


"i actually felt I had no time for anything else in my life, I was either with him reacting to the mood he was in or thinking about him and trying to work it out." <~ please honey, if you dont have your heart in the relationship already, I say run. Run. Run. Im sorry. The pain is awful. You will never find that intense love ever again-- because they will worship you one day... And condemn you the other. My mistake-- I did not listen when people told me it wasnt healthy. Basically, it was always what he said, when he said, and where he said. He never compromised, and tried soooo hard to shut his heart out. I know why we're not together. He is scared. He knows that our love was so strong that it scared him to fall in love. And he didnt know how to deal with it. Can you believe the last time we spoke everything was going perfect. I never got any explaination to this behavior. He ignored every attempt I made. And all the messages I left of concern. It's like he never cared. My heart still aches, and it's been 2 months. I am so scared to go where we "met" because I know he will be there, and he will breakdown and cry for forgiveness (like he did before) and im scared I will take him back because his smile makes me want to live. His eyes are my light. And his body is my temple. ... And so ... This is not healthy. It's not. Because I know my weaknesses, and if I go back with him, this vicious circle will never end.
And im sorry, I just needed to vent a bit. Thank you for listening...And I wish you much luck in whatever decision you make... And just know we are all here for you. We might not know you, not know your name, not know where u are from, or anything about u, but just know, that when I read I am here for u...So take care.
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replied August 10th, 2011
'Basically, it was always what he said, when he said, and where he said.'

So true...the worst part is sometimes you feel guilty so much that you start doubting your own sanity.
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replied August 17th, 2006
Trying to Be Supportive
Hi you both sound like me.

Been in my relaionship for three years we met started going out he was quite to him self didnt push his self onme which was cool im old fashion.

Later we went on trip across the states he started to act different than what he showed be in the begining, by the time the trip was over 30 days later, I felt I done something wrong, we were not holding each other or talking any more plain and simple we were acting like a couple.

He would have out burst of anger, just over small things.

Now its all my fault, im a terrible person, last year I thought manic but wasnt sure until he told a friend at 14 he was dx with manic depression
but the mood swings the god awful things that would come out of his mouth I was shocked,, we live as roommates more or less, I think hes comfortable this way,, im trying to be supportive and help him out.

The blaming is starting to wear me thin, yes when ive had enough I would blow and it seems to make him stop and think but than im feeling terrible.
I love him very much but all he see's any more are bad times never our good times,, he also drinks to hide not all the time only when somethings really bothering him and he doesnt want to handle it.

His depression get so low he doesnt even see me any more..When I cry he would hold me etc.. Now he walks past me or just sits there reading a book or watches tv acting like im not even in the room.

He tells me imfull of rage and anger which he's actully talking about him self. I finally got him to agree if I can find herbs to help him he will take but no man make crap as he put it.
We no longer sit with each other he got two chairs.
Ive told him what ive miss and he tells him hes right there he never left.
Ive told him when I hug himtrying to get close he pushes me away or tell me go get from the kitchen, he tells me he doesnt do that it all inmy head.

I doknow hes very scared of getting close and im going to leave him and I did figure that reason (his changing moods and angery out bursts etc)
told him im here to help if I wanted to leave I would have done that while ago..
Any ideas tips or just plan support
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replied August 18th, 2006
Re: Trying to Be Supportive
Oh man. I feel bad just reading. So, why did it last 3 yrs? And do u know what triggers it? More details. Im intrigued.
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replied August 24th, 2006
Thanks
Hi there

i am sorry I have not posted sooner, but been away and tried my best not to think about things. Thank you so much scopioness and catflor for taking the time to post and tell me your stories. It does help to know that other people have been through similar things and that there are people out there who care and understand. I have only told my best friend of my ex-boyfriend's condition because I felt it was betraying him to tell anyone else. Her reaction, as someone who loves me of course, is that I am better off out of it etc. This is true but I know she sees bi-polar as a kind of extreme madness, going on what is shown on tv, when in reality it is something more complex- expecially when you experience someone's behaviour within a relationship. It is just not black and white. There were times when I felt I was going to burst with happiness.
Scorpioness, I really emphathise with you and I hope that you are ok. You said that you sometimes felt bi-polar and I know what you mean. It just takes up so much head space. You describe some of the emotions that I have felt, particularly the feeling of having "allowed" the bad behaviour. Why did I put up with it? Something in me felt it was "out of character" so I tried not to be affected by it, but sometimes I wonder. I often felt as blank because I felt scared to be happy when he was nice because I knew the low part would come and I would have to somehow be detached so as not to be hurt by it. I said to him in anger once (before I knew that he was bi-polar) that I didn't want to feel flat all the time. Looking back now I think that may have stung since reading up on bi-polar it seems that when you are taking meds some people experience a sense of flatness which is what can make them not want to take them. I had already noticed a sense of heaviness in him, in fact I had wondered if he was depressed. My dilemma I suppose is whether my ex is using his bi-polar as an excuse for his bad behaviour. He was taking his meds as far as I know. But I also know that he described how he suddenly felt great anger towards people at work in situations where it was uncalled for despite this. I think he just doesn't want me to think he is a deliberately bad person which is why told me. He said near the beginning that my good opinion of him mattered. He hasnt told anyone else. But on some level I think he has to take responsibility for what he did. He has apologised to me and he says he is glad that I have forgiven him and glad that I want to still see him as a friend, but I dont think he has the ability to really understand how hurt I felt at times. He does not see outside of himself. My anger is not that we have broken up (i think that was the ight thing) but that he was so cruel to me and I guess I put up with it. This was my first real sexual experience, he knew that, yet didnt treat me well. I dont want to retain bad feelings about this since it wont help me, but it is hard to let it go.
Catflor, your story sounds a difficult one, and you have done well to be so supportive for so long. In a way while I sometimes think maybe we are weak to put up with behaviour that hurts us, there is also a great strength in it. I do think though that you need to think about yourself too. I dont know all the details of your situation, but you have given a lot. You need space to breathe. Let me know how things are. Scorpioness, you too. Wishing you both the very best.
With thanksxxxx
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replied August 24th, 2006
Im still with him due to I know its an illness and he lets me in and I get to see and get a sence of what he goes through. At times it breaks my heart to see him in pain cause he does try to communicate and it gets all knotted up then he gets frustrated and blows.

Its like watching a little child thats confused cause he doesnt know how to get things out then he feels alone and scared I just leave notes letting him know im still here for him and im just giving him space to sort things out and colllect his thoughts let me know when he wants to ralk i'll just listen if he wants.

For past two weeks things have been better due to im starting not to take things he says personal and remind my self its not me hes up set with its his self.

Im a person that can pick up on peoples feelings etc.. And know when thier in trouble or just pulling your leg and I try to point the way but its thier choice where they want to go.

I talk to lots of people its like they feel comfortable and just start talking just to listen to them help them to release pin up stuff they look and feel better.
Well have to go keep in touch
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replied August 25th, 2006
Catflor,

thank you. I really appreciate it. I still think of him and miss him. I just dont know why... I think it's because it's the first man I really loved, emotionally and physically. And quite frankly, I dont even want to make love to anyone else, and sadly enough i've chosen not to. I started to go back to school and work both full time so I occupy myself more. Reading this made me think, and reading all of these responses made me think..I want to let him know I am still here from a distance. I dont want to call, and I dont plan on going over, so I think next week I will buy him a nice card and mail it. Just to let him know I care, because one of my biggest concerns is that he doesnt have anyone to care for him. I mean, he keeps in touch with his parents, but they're really not close. And all his friends are all as*h*l*s, and all they do if make him insane.
So, my question, do you (anyone) think is a good idea to get him a card to show I still care, or did he really not want anything to do with me, even though he didnt tell me... He just ignored me. Which I hate with a passion, but I care so much that I want to write him to let him know I care, not to get back with him. Thanks in advance, and please do write. I love reading!
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replied August 26th, 2006
Contact?
Hi there scorpioness

it is good to read other people's experiences, it helps to get a perspective and a bit more understanding. I also realise that there is no real "answer" to find to our situations, I guess we just have to move on through them and try do what we think is right at the time. You said that you were thinking about sending a card and I am in a similar position in that I am wondering whether to send an email. A good friend of mine gave some advice which helped me (she doesnt know the whole situation though). My dilemma is that I would like to be friends with my ex, and it sounds from what you said that you want to make sure your ex is ok. My friend said that if that is what I truly want then I should do it. If I am expecting something more from him then I shouldnt because that is not likely to happen. She said that I need to be honest with myself about it and this is the question that I am trying to resolve. If all you want is to let him know that you are there and that he is not alone and you will feel better having done that, you should send the card. If you are hoping that the card will prompt him to contact you or give you explanations for what has happened, you need to be prepared for this not to happen. I dont think that this necessarily means he doesnt care, only that he maybe doesnt want to face it, can't face it etc and its easier not to. Sometimes there is nothing more we can do for people we care about if they dont want us to. I dont know the details of your situation so maybe what I have written doesnt sound right, but I think a card is a nice gesture. I'd just be wary of having any expectations from it. As for me, I have decided (i think) that I do want to be friends with my ex and I will send him a brief email and see how things go...Will let you know. Keep in touch.
Wishing you the best xxx
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replied August 28th, 2006
Contact?
Hello, in reading these posts I see myself in the exact same situation. I've known my guy for about 10 mos. Now and we had a wonderful first 3 mos and then he started exhibiting what i've come to term, "the behaviour."
i came to love this man and he tells me still that he loves me, although we've gone from being friends and lovers to being "brother and sister."
when he acts even he is wonderful, loving and alive but when he gets in those manic moods he is a lecturing monster, which ironically is nickname for me.
It tore me up and I honestly thought for awhile that I was going nuts and the things he accused me of, like stupidity, having a dark heart, not being present, etc., were all true. Through boards like these and heading off to therapy i've learned that he is simply a man with a serious problem who is likely not to seek help unfortunately. He's foreign, self-employed, and has no insurance. Worse, he thinks himself above all of us and therefore even the suggestion that he needs med will send him into a screaming tirade.

He knows I love him, am here for him always, and has opened up to me, confided in me the most personal of his past, and he's been there for me too, but last week he called and asked if I had any final questions for him (he thinks of himself as an enlightened guru now) because he was "closing out" his relationships.
I'm ashamed to say that I allowed his daggerlike words to provoke me into arguing back. I'm not sure if I should send him another of my loving and reassuring e-cards or draw something and send thru the mail - i'm fairly sure he will appreciate it and contact me again if he hasn't decided to harm himself. I honestly don't know what to do.

In your case, he doesn't sound all that bad so I would keep in touch and reassure him. But the question remains, where do we draw the line between seeking the love we want and sacrificing receiving any to just love someone?
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replied August 30th, 2006
Re: Contact?
mmica wrote:
hello, in reading these posts I see myself in the exact same situation. I've known my guy for about 10 mos. Now and we had a wonderful first 3 mos and then he started exhibiting what i've come to term, "the behaviour."
i came to love this man and he tells me still that he loves me, although we've gone from being friends and lovers to being "brother and sister."
when he acts even he is wonderful, loving and alive but when he gets in those manic moods he is a lecturing monster, which ironically is nickname for me.

It tore me up and I honestly thought for awhile that I was going nuts and the things he accused me of, like stupidity, having a dark heart, not being present, etc., were all true. Through boards like these and heading off to therapy i've learned that he is simply a man with a serious problem who is likely not to seek help unfortunately. He's foreign, self-employed, and has no insurance. Worse, he thinks himself above all of us and therefore even the suggestion that he needs med will send him into a screaming tirade.

He knows I love him, am here for him always, and has opened up to me, confided in me the most personal of his past, and he's been there for me too, but last week he called and asked if I had any final questions for him (he thinks of himself as an enlightened guru now) because he was "closing out" his relationships.
I'm ashamed to say that I allowed his daggerlike words to provoke me into arguing back. I'm not sure if I should send him another of my loving and reassuring e-cards or draw something and send thru the mail - i'm fairly sure he will appreciate it and contact me again if he hasn't decided to harm himself. I honestly don't know what to do.


In your case, he doesn't sound all that bad so I would keep in touch and reassure him. But the question remains, where do we draw the line between seeking the love we want and sacrificing receiving any to just love someone?


why the heck must it be that "3month" phase!!!! I hate that!
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replied September 9th, 2006
Sorrry every one havent been able to get to library(no car right now)

i see there's no reason not to send him notes, cards etc.. Long as thier in a friend to friend base, they can not handle to much pressure on top of what they deal with already.. I call them walking time bomb's, due to you really dont know when thier really going to blow.

We were getting along great until yesterday when we went to his folks his dad came out said she and the kids are not allowed onthe property only you, I couldnt believe what he was saying, mind you we were over there night before and was helping them on the farm, I walked out m came out said he's driving thought he was going home here he drops us off and starts to yell crap at me and went back ti his folks then calls later from his bro. Drunk then three hours later kicks in the door, for what reason who knows??? But what ever their saying he's sucking it all in, were not talking at this point, he keeps telling the kids you didnt do any thing wrong at grandpa's house your mom I told hin so they punish the kids to. Thats real adult attuide,, so who knows where this is going to end up, have a feeling his family talking him to leave( due to he's does every thing around the house for every one while they go out have fun etc) since we've got togehter every one has to do thier own share of work. Have to go..
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replied September 11th, 2006
Wow Well I'm Young And Only 16 Yet I Have to Face This
Even though i'm young the above stories sound like mine a somewhat.

I have a really close friend who i'v spent alot of time with whos my age of 16. Shes bipolar and we have known each other for 7 months and have become extremely close friends. During these 7 months we have broken up once and got back togther than broke up recently again. The pain of breaking up makes me cry and feel so bad cause I didn't do anything wrong in the relationhsip. Earlier this week she brough up about wanting to have sex with other guys and now breaks up with me. So this is the 2nd time she has broke up with me and I just got injured and I now habe emotional and physical pain thats so bad.:( hopefully this is just one of her fases and than returns. I lover her more than anything I know yet I also hate her so much for doing this crap to me. Someone please respond.. I'm so lonely
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replied October 30th, 2006
Broken Hearted Too...
I too am a suffering heartbreak. I was just told by the person I love that they arent in love with me anymore and want to be friends. It breaks my heart I was in this for the long haul it didnt mattter that they had bipolar to me or not. In fact I was trying to educate myself and be as supportive as I could. But here I am sitting alone after putting my heart out there on the line only to have it broken into a million pieces. Worse of all is that its completely over, no second chance, nothing just friendship. From one week or love and marriage to all the sudden friendship and heartbreak. I am so confused and so hurt.

They tell me it isnt their bipolar, but after reading the post on here I am not so certain of that. I dont know what to do or what to think. It would be nice to have some insight from someone who is bipolar on why this happens? Why do you turn away the ones that are willing to stand beside 100% and love you with all they have no matter what?

Ive been crying every night wanting back the wonderful relationship I use to have. I feel really cheated here.

Hugs to all that suffer my same pain.











Crying or Very sad
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replied October 31st, 2006
Experienced User
Wow this was a heavy thread. Cried many times reading it. Obviously we all have something in common, loving someone with this illness. Mica you said your ex accused you of stupidity, having a dark heart, not being present, etc. That is exactly what my ex used to say to me. In fact he would accuse me of being stupid a lot because I didn’t have the opportunity to finish college. He would purposely berate me in his dating profiles on line by alluding to how bad I made our relationship. He told me once in every instance in which he once loved a women, he now hates her and he should probably get counseling for it, but wasn’t going to. That I would probably leave like all the rest. My ex by the way is on medication. That the truly sad thing, because if he acts this way on the medication, what would he be like without it? Again, it’s truly a devastating illness. Here is how I am coping now. I found the more I wrote my ex or called him saying nice things to him, asking for forgiveness for something I didn’t do, begging him back, the more he pulled away to the point he now longer takes me calls and deletes my e-mails. I am dead to him. So the last thing I sent him which was just the other day was an e-mail in which I told him I would always be here if he needed someone to talk to. I know he will never call, but I can walk away now, knowing I tried my all. I had to deal with his 2 parents as well, which made it worse because they are in denial that their son is ill. He is 37 years old btw and his parents are his only real friends. They would much rather blame all the women he has been with for his failed relationships than admitting their son is ill. It’s easier for them that way. I wasn’t good enough for their son and that’s the way they will always see it. He told me that if anything would ever happen to either of his parents he would commit suicide and that he didn’t think anyone could be as devoted as they were. That’s pretty sad that a man of 37 has to rely on his parents like that. My ex hasn’t had a relationship with a woman for longer than 3.5 years and that was in college before his exhibited any signs of the illness. But what I can do now is to leave the relationship knowing for a fact he loved me more than any other woman, at least he admits to that and that he will always think of me and know how hard I tried, when other women just simply walk away. I know I will live inside his heart and to me, that’s priceless because I will be the one he thinks of now when he is sad and lonely. If that’s all I can ever be to him again, then for me it’s enough to know he still thinks of me, even if his illness keeps him from having a healthy relationship. I did my best and gave my all. I can leave now knowing it wasn’t me. For everyone here who hasn’t read the bipolar guide (what you and your family need to know) I suggest you read it and everything else you can get your hands on if you still plan on pursuing your ex’s. I don’t completely understand my attachment yet to someone that treated me so miserably and has said some horrific things. I take it one day at a time, and even though its been almost a year and a half since we broke up, I am still thinking about him. Truly it doesn’t get any easier, just sadder.
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replied October 31st, 2006
Experienced User
Also another thing that might help everyone is to remember that no matter what when your ex decides to move on to someone new, the same cycle will start again with that new person. If your ex knows you still love him and care, it will reassure them, you weren’t like all there rest who simply walked away. Continue to educate yourself about the bipolar illness. From my experience I can tell you your depressed days will become less and less. The first four months after our breakup I became suicidal and people who know me would tell you I would have been the last person they would have ever of thought to get so depressed. I was put on lexapro, which in a sense saved my life and my depression from then on would lesson to every other day, then every weekend, now after a year and a half I have maybe one or two depressed days a month. Also it’s really important to surround yourself with positive people, because bipolar people are so negative you have begun to “think” like them. He made me think I was the crazy one and for awhile there, I probably was because I did pick up on his mood swings. I honestly don’t know where I would be without my therapist, so I suggest a good one to help you all through this, especially someone that has counseled bipolar people as well. I found through trying to understand the illness, I have become stronger. I tell myself everyday I am not going to let “him” (my ex) steel anymore of my happiness. Now instead I can feel sadness for him to know he is still in so much pain, but that I don’t have to go there anymore to continue to love him.
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replied October 31st, 2006
Experienced User
More helpful things. The last thing I ever wanted to do after the breakup with my ex was to get into another relationship. Luckily I was able to lean on my first love and for 8 months he lent his ear and advice to me and saw me through the worst of the pain. I think you all like me just want to know that someone can love you because your ex’s didn’t know how to show it or did one day but not the next. You start to think there is something wrong with you. I know this is how I felt, so to have someone love me again felt great and knowing it was someone from my past made it easier. That relationship failed too however because he lived in one state and me in another. I started to date again, not because I wanted to but because I felt I had to in order to move on. I met the man I am with now and it’s been 6 months. I am attracted to him, but no where near the same attraction or love I had for my ex that is bipolar. I started to look at it as me just going out having fun with a man, but then slowly it turned into something more and what I found, and what I confirmed, is that I can actually have a relationship with someone without all the fighting and drama. After 6 months we haven’t had one single fight, not one. So what does that tell me? It tells me I was the healthy one, that nothing is wrong with me. I am not stupid, I don’t have a black heart I am not destructive and I am not selfish. All words my ex used to describe me. I can love someone, and they can love me back. So for me, it brought confirmation that I wasn’t the one to cause the turmoil in my past relationship, my ex was because he is bipolar. Now you would think that having someone new in my life would mean I have moved passed my ex, and for whatever reason, of which I still don’t understand yet, I haven’t completely let him go and perhaps you won’t either when you find someone new. Because relationships with bipolars are so intense. More so then what you would experience in a normal relationship. Perhaps that’s the drug that we all seek. We want that deep love and intensity but can’t have it without the bad that accompanies it. It’s like eating too much chocolate cake, knowing how much you love it but then knowing if you don’t stop you are going to get sick to your stomach. I think that is what it is like for bipolars when they fall in love. They just want it all. They want to feel so good, and then they crash and push you away and tell you to leave them alone, they need their space. I know now I will never love someone as much as I loved him, and that’s okay, because I don’t need to. I will never go there again, because it was so unhealthy and so deep. I think we all equate love with great epic stories like romeo and juliet, samson and delilah, all in which end in tragedy and that’s how I look at my relationship with my ex. It was a great love story and I loved him as deeply as I could and him vise versa. But that love almost pushed him over the edge and he couldn’t deal with it. He told me he would never let anyone see that deep inside of him again. So for me, those are the words I hang onto to validate what we had, even though I had to let go of the relationship, I don’t have to let go of him. He always has a special place in my heart.
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replied September 1st, 2011
So much of what you descibed hit my heart that i cried as i read your post. I think i understand now what made it so hard to let go of *** ashley *** (name changed) was that - even though she had no idea that i know she is bipolar (took me 3 months to figure it out) and then 2 hours of reading here.....I now can see very clearly that she will always hold a special place in my heart. I know that i need to exit the relationship as quickly and gently as possible - and not look back. Kind of like lot's wife in the bible - she didnt get in trouble because she looked back - she looked back *longingly* and in truth, wanted to - go back -

A very human, but very Bad mistake, For when that happened, she paid a heavy price.

Bipolar seems to amplify *** ALL *** emottions. It is that **** INTENSITY **** on both ends of the emotional spectrum that makes it a very hard road to travel - both for the bipolar person, and everyone that they meet. And, the very reason, it is so damn hard to resist the urge to "Throw caution to the wind" Putting heart, Soul, literally everything - into helping & supporting her.

I have 2 hopes - That she will come to a place where she realizes that so many people - truly love her - Some, Like me, were just in way too deep - way too quickly, Drawn in by that intensity. And had to get out rather than drown.

And, That she can know that she is capable of so many good things in the world - If she will arm herself with a desire to treat the disease, and help others to understand it.

Many years ago, I dated a person i knew from the outset was bipolar (after seeing a complete cycle in 12 hours) But that relationship ended well before i understood all of what is in this forum. After 16 years i finally am starting to understand (albeit in a very small way) - The true challenges for people - Those who are bipolar - and those that love them.

I Thank God for helping me to find this forum, and Thank all of you for having the courage, and compassion to love those with disabilites....Even when it's hard!

I pray to God for ***ashley*** (name changed) and those like her, That they will find knowledge, Strength, and Peace to fight the good fight!

I also pray, That I will be able to escape the fate that befell lot's wife.

I truly beleive that many of the people who suffer from this disease spend much of their lives - at the mercy of very INTENSE emotions, Not always aware of the "triggers" that create the love we all crave....and the havoc that the destructive emotions create.

In the end, We are all human, we all have so much potential to change the world in which we live. We all have challenges, Both seen, as in the case of physical disabilities, and unseen, as with bipolar and other challenges like it.

I take some comfort in knowing, That, Guided by God, We can all be of help to others - Even if we are not able to see or feel how we helped. God knows the desires of our hearts, and both Giver and Receiver can bless each other.
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replied October 31st, 2006
Thanks
Thanks for the recent postings on this. I started this thread when I first broke up with my bi-polar boyfriend. Since then I went away for three weeks and when I came back we met up and he was so lovely and affectionate with me. He has been calling me at least once a week and asking me to meet with him. I have, but only a few times. Each time it was lovely and I felt he loved me, he was so affectionate. Then he asked me to spend sunday with him (we had only been meeting up for dinners etc) and we had the most lovely day and I felt so close to him. Later that evening though he told me he thought we were friends now. I felt so confused, since only the week before he had been so lovely, kissing me and asking to hold me, and kissing my feet and...I dont understand. I was really emotional and upset with him because he was doing exactly what he was doing before- just changing all the time. I am not that experienced with men and dont know if this bipolar or just he didnt want to be with me. I told him that maybe it would be better if we didnt see each other any more and he said that he doubted if either of us would be strong enough not to see each other. I really cant take this any more. I am tired and exhausted by this and it makes me feel that I am somehow not good enough for him. I have tried to understand him and I dont think he is doing that for me.
Thanks to others who have posted.
Adnor what you wrote really helped. I cried when I read what you posted. On a relative scale my ex has not behaved as badly as what have many have written. He has not called me names and been bad to me in that way, rather he strives to get close to me and then when we get there tells me he is not in love with me and pushes me away. Each time he creates the situation, not me. It felt today as though i'd never move on, but adnor what you wrote helped. My best friend told me today that when I meet the right person, it wont be such a struggle. I hope I do.

Xxx
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replied November 1st, 2006
Experienced User
Bedfor: your boyfriend is absoultely right, when you meet the right person it won't be such a struggle. His pull close push away attitude is the illness. Sounds like his he cycling from the manic stage to the depressed stage. Is he medicated? Not that medication always makes the difference, but it can help. Well after posting so much yesterday I did something I should have done months ago. I took my daughter and a couple of friends trick or treating at my ex’s house. We live close to the neighborhood and my daughter has a friend that lives right down the street from him. As we approached I could see a car parked in front of his house that wasn’t his so I knew immediately there was a woman there. Sure enough she answered the door. Now mind you, he is still posted on many internet dating sites, yet here is this woman opening his door. I assume they have been dating for some time if she felt comfortable enough doing that without him next to her. He never had any woman friends that I knew of, so it made me realize immediately that she probably has no idea that he is still is chatting with other women on line while he is dating her. This is what he did for me the entire time we were together and engaged. I wanted to say something to her, but feared he would come to the door before I had the opportunity to see him and say what I wanted to say. I didn’t want to tip him off that I was there in case he closed the door in my face. I asked her if he was home and she sent him to the door, but never came back herself, which I thought was odd. He was shocked, so much so, I don’t think he quite knew what to say and looked so evil and mean. I told him my daughter wanted to see him and he should say “hi” to her and he did so annoyingly with anger. Here it’s been 17 months and he never had the balls to tell my daughter goodbye or to say he was sorry and all he could say was “hi” with an attitude? I handed him a money order for $50 in which he had sent back to me. A payment for a loan he gave my business. Here after all this time he blames me for the demise of our relationship. Bipolars always want to blame someone for their unhappiness. What I realized at that very moment was how dark and evil he had become. This wasn’t the man I had fallen in love with. This was anakin skywalker from revenge of the sith when he was turning into darth vader. He was no longer there. He also looked like he had gained at least 30lbs probably due to a change in his medication. The girlfriend wasn’t all that hot either, which of course, made me happy. Probably a really nice girl, but she has no idea what she is in store for. I so wanted to tell her, but ya know some people have to just figure it out for themselves. She will know soon enough. I saw my first red flag a month into it. He also had been posting on line that he has been celibate and hadn’t even kissed a girl since me. Just a big fat liar. Now I know that when his ex girlfriend told me he had told her he slept with over 53 women, she wasn’t lying about it. He told me he had only slept with 13. He’s crazy. I know bipolar’s don’t like to be called that, but let’s face it, if it wasn’t for the medication many of them would be institutionalized. I don’t want to be with a crazy person and there is nothing I can do to help him. He’s not my burden, not my problem anymore. Now he can go and make someone else’s life miserable. Misery is all he knows. It’s sad, but you know what after last night I am not even sad for him anymore. He is filled with so much rage, anger and hate that it’s affected him physically. I didn’t even see remnants of the man I once loved. It was a defining moment for me, because I know now I have completely let go. This man won’t change. His life is pitiful. I was the 224th woman he had dated. It’s been almost a year and a half since we broke up. This new girl is probably #324. As I told him once before, he claimed I was “the one” I told him, no, I was one of many. How truly sad he will never experience true love. For those of you above still suffering from the affects of your bipolar boyfriends or girlfriends, I promise you it will get better with time. Once you are in a healthy relationship and have gone 6 months without the drama you are going to realize how lucky you are to be out of the nightmare with your ex. Don’t let them manipulate you to come back to rescue them. I have been on many bipolar chat rooms and sites for over a year now trying to come to terms with this and what I realized is that I have yet to meet one happy couple in which one of them has this devastating illness.
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replied November 1st, 2006
Experienced User
Also I think those of us that choose to stay in these types of relationships with mentally ill people have issues of our own which include:

insecurity
co-dependency
fear of rejection
fear of abandonment
depression

when we learn to work on ourselves and make ourselves stronger, it makes it easier to let go. Life is too short to devote it to someone that cannot give you the love you deserve and need.
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replied November 1st, 2006
Experienced User
Just to be fair, I don't want to insult anyone here that is bipolar, although I know I already have. I believe my ex in addition to being bipolar also has borderline personality disorder and well as some signs of being a sociopath. I believe he is a very disturbed individual and the cruelest person I have ever met. I think the most important thing for someone with this disorder to do, is in addition to getting the medication the need to stay semi-level headed, they need intensive psychotherapy which many of them are afraid of. I would love to hear from anyone on this board that is bipolar and is in a healthy successful relationship longer than a year and how they are maintaining their illness??
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