Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

This Is Hard For Me...

So, over a year ago I tried to kill myself. I was at work at a very easy job where no one noticed me and I had alot of time to think. After looking over the pros and cons I decided that night would be my last. I had alot of bad luck in my life, I had some friends turn their backs on me, parents who constantly battled it out (not physically), 3 girlfriends in a row cheat on me (the last one I thought would be my wife just decided to dump me without reason after a year). It just looked very clear to me that it was time to get it over with. That night I was home in my room alone and trying to figure out what i'd do. I thought that obviously killing myself in my sleep would be easiest and least painful so i'd try that. I took my mothers anti depressants ( I think it was zoloft but cant be positive of the name but there was like 20 in the bottle) and I took about 30 tylenol because it says on the bottle overdose could rupture your liver or something, then I took what I had left of my stackers (the original ones they stopped selling cause people died taking them) which was about 20 of them. And I drank all of this down with a bottle of wine that was suppose to be shared with a friend who blew me off the week before. After I took all of that stuff I laid in bed and tried to make myself fall asleep, but I couldnt. I remember thinking to myself "if there is a god up there please just take me now, just take me and end this please" and I kept thinking that over and over to the point that I was saying it out loud and crying. A little while later I fell asleep probably from exhaustion and I woke up shaking, it was about 2am now and I was so unhappy that I wasnt getting results. I couldnt stop my body from shaking and my teeth were acxtually chattering as well. I was scared, not because I was dying but because I was still alive and I knew my parent would have a fit when they saw me in the morning. My stomach was going crazy and I ran to the bathroom and had diareah almost non stop for about 1/2 hr, then the puking started. By 4am I couldnt even control my thoughts. I hit redial on my phone and I called a friend to come pick me up and bring me to the hospital. Thinking of what I just did and how it would get around I called her back a few minutes later and told her to forget I even called and that i'd be ok. Next thing I know I have like 3 other people calling me asking if i'm ok and saying that I could talk to them anytime if I need to and that they;d bring me to the hospital if I wanted. I told them all i'd be fine and I just went back to rotating between throwing up and having diareah till 6am when my parents woke up. My mom saw that her bottle of zoloft or whatever was empty so she came in my room screaming at me "what the hell are you trying to do? Are you f**k*ng stupid?? What are you doing???" then my dad comes in and hes talking to me nicer than usual (total roll reversal for my parents by the way) and hes like "what are you doing here dude? Things arent that bad, they always get better. Do you want me to call father john? (who was the head priest at my church when I went to catholic school, by the way I was 23 in this story so I havent seen that priest since 8th grade) so after them yelling at me and trying to talk to me for about an hour my mom leaves and goes to work and my dad stays around and kinda watches over me for the rest of the day. And after that they just acted like it never happened. We all went on living our shitty lives and it was forgotten by them. But I didnt forget anything. Now its been over a year later and I have been having thoughts of suicide again, they arent as frequent or serious as they were back then. But since that night I have always felt different. I feel like a pathetic loser, I feel like I couldnt even succeed at killing myself how will I ever succeed with anything else. About a month after that night I started dating my gf melissa, and we are still together now. There are some days where I wake up in the morning and I cant even bring myself to go to work, I dont know why I just feel horrible and I cant explain it, but it just like there is this heavy dark cloud over me some days and I cant shake it and I feel horrible physically and mentally. I'll sometimes pick fights or yell at my girlfriend for the dumbest things too, and I feel horrible after but when i'm doing it I feel almost evil and it feels good to yell at people and make them shut up.... I'm scared because I dont want to be this way, I have lost jobs because of my poor attendance because of how I feel and I feel like i'm going to lose my gf now too. Remember when I said how my family just forgot all about that horrible night? They never took things seriously that I did, that night and when I use to cut myself in junior high that was all just a faze they said and i'd grow out of it. The thought of having me see a therapist has probably never even entered their minds. Now i'm living with my girlfriend and barely getting by with the money we make and I really want to stop feeling this way but I dont know wht to do. I know talking ot a therapist and possibly medication should help but I dont have money for that stuff at all. My body has been different since that horrible night too, I have gotten out of shape and gained about 30 lbs and I have a horrible short term memory now, and I find it really hard to focus on things..... This was never the case before. I really just dont know what to do and this is really ruining my life.
Thanks for letting me get that out and vent, i'd welcome suggestions.

Jake
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replied June 21st, 2006
There is medical assistance out there for people with depression. You need to go to a doctor though to get diagnosed. Also, with your work history, going in and out of jobs because of your depression there is a program out there "workers with disabilities". Contact your local welfare office and they can help you get the medical treatment you desperately need.

I live with depression and have thought about dying but never tried commiting suicide. I sometimes just with someone else would end my life with a car accident or something. But you also need to think, death is permanent!! There is no changing it!! You cannot change your mind after you've done it!! There is happiness out there and help at achieving it!! You just need to find those resources, they aren't going to come to you. The thought that changes my mind about suicide, how many people will be affected by my death. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to hurt myself and I can't hurt myself without hurting someone else. You don't only hurt yourself, you're hurting many other people around you. Just keep that in mind. I don't want to put my family through the depression that i'm going through by killing myself. I don't think you wish depression on anyone do you?? Well, by commiting suicide, you will have achieved just that.

There is help out there for you, just go get it :d
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replied June 21st, 2006
Experienced User
Ouch sounds like you got your hands full. Just remember this, if you kill yourself your next life is going to be worse. Do you really wanna die knowing because of suicide the next life you will have is gonna be worse? Talk to your girlfriend, talk on the phone to those people who wanna help, talk to a priest, go ask for more hours at your work thatway you can pay for a councellor and get meds. I know what you mean by short term memory, my memory is so shot most of the time within seconds I forget what I was thinking/talking about and it's hard to focus on things and get interested without going "meh".
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