Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I started dating this guy four months ago and he was clearly an undiagnosed bipolar. He was clearly manic when I first met him and eventually returned to an even phase - during this even phase things were going great and our relationship was developing nicely.

About a month and a half ago he hit this horrible depression. He finally has sought treatment and began lithium and an anti-depressant about three weeks ago. So far, the anti-depressant has not taken effect.

What I am wondering is about depression and intimacy. He has not initiated intimacy since the depression but still wants to see me all the time. How do I approach this situation? What can I say? Is it me or the depression? Any advice will help.
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replied May 9th, 2006
Datiing Someone Who Is Bi-polar
I have been in a relationship with a man who is bi-polar for 2 years. He doesn't take any medication and tends to use alcohol and marijuana as medication. He is wonderful when he is well, but when he has an episode he starts to remove himself from me. He doesn't call as much or want to go out. He also get's thoughts in his head that he can't get over. He asks alot of questions about men in my past then when I am honest, he dwells on my responses. He throws things in my face when he get's into his moods. I'm not sure how to help him. I really do love him and he is a great person, it's just these episodes that have me stressed. He says he can't be with me, then we always stay together like nothing is wrong. I'm starting to feel like i'm going crazy. I don't know if I can help him or if I need to stay away for good. Any suggestions?
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replied May 9th, 2006
Consider This
Michelle, it sounds from your post that you are a genuine, caring, loving person and have a lot to offer...But...

"he throws things in my face when he get's into his moods"

this is not ok. This is not an acceptable way to be treated by anyone. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Untreated bipolar disorder is not an excuse for abuse and violence. It is your responsibility to keep yourself safe from this kind of mental and physical violence.

"i don't know if I can help him"

no. You can't help him. Medication can help him. Professional psychotherapy can help him. You can love him. You can support him. You can enjoy the person he is - but it is not your role to help him. Don't cast yourself in that role. You're not his protector, nurse or mother.

"i'm starting to feel like i'm going crazy"

it is time for you to start helping yourself. You need to look after yourself. You need to consider what you want for yourself. It is ok to walk away.

I really, honestly and truly wish you the very best. Good luck.
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replied May 11th, 2006
Dating Someone Who Is Bi-polar
I appreciate your response. I really have been trying to figure out what is going on with him, but i'll never understand. I can't change who he is and if he isn't willing to help himself it's a lost cause. I can't keep making up excuses for his behavior. I definitely can't sit around waiting for him. It's time for me pick myself up and become stronger. Maybe it's best to take some time to myself and let him figure out his own issues.

It seems that most people that have this disorder are really alot of fun and are great friends until they have an episode. I think that's why it's so hard to leave them. It's really sad!! :(
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replied May 11th, 2006
Very, Very Sad
I lost a lot of friends and a husband before I was medicated for bipolar. Like you say, we're the life of the party until we go way, way too far. I have had to accept that the wonderful friendships I shattered are a consequence of having a mental illness. Life is not neccessarily fair. I wished that people could have understood it, understood me, known where I was - but I was lost and the only thing that could bring me back was medication. You can't make sense of bipolar. Living with bipolar - the heartwrenching loneliness of depression and the chaotic mania - and in my case - the psychosis - is utter hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It is very sad, but you are just as important as him. You need support and guidence. You have been living with the implications of his illness and it has had a massive impact on you. Make sure you get support in whatever you decide to do to get through this. Talk to your family, friends and let them know that you are going through a really rough time and accept their help. If you can get some counselling. Having someone there just to support you and help you make decisions can be extremely helpful. Make sure you don't go through this alone. Sweetie, you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.
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replied May 12th, 2006
Very Discouraged.....
Well, I guess I don't have to worry about making a decision on if I should stay or leave because he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I really thought after 2 years that he really cared for me. I don't know what to think. He said that I will always be in his life because he loves me so much and that he wants to still take care of me and my son. So many promises, but he can't be with me because of my past relationships? Sounds like he is running game on me. Maybe it has nothing to do with the illness. I can't help but to think it's another woman because his illness wouldn't make him just leave me. Is this type of behavior typical of a person with this disorder? Is it best to just leave him alone and let him deal with his issues on his own? I'm so confused and hurt. He has said this before on several occasions, but after a couple of days everything was fine. This time it's different, it's like he hates me!! No calls or anything and i'm not going to make an effort to contact him. I'm not desperate, but a part of me wants him to call. Maybe i'm sick!! Help!!
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replied May 17th, 2006
I Know What You're Going Through
Michelle,

it's erie reading your messages because I dated my ex-boyfriend (who is bipolar) off and on for the last 8 years. There were times that we wouldn't talk for a year or two, then he'd "realize" that I was the only one for him and he needed me and i'd fall right back into it. This january I fell back into it for hopefully the last time. I had always thought he was bipolar for years and he was finally diagnosed in january and put on meds. I guess I thought that b/c of this, maybe it could work. But he stopped taking his meds recently and all hell broke lose and I ultimately ended things.

I posted something a few days ago about my own experience. You might be able to relate:
http://ehealthforum.Com/health/topic63247. Html

given everything i've gone through, my advice would be to move on and save yourself the future heartache. Many times I have felt like I was insane. My ex was very manipulative and knew how to get to me (whether in a good or a bad way). When he was stable, he was amazing, but at times he would turn into someone else...The verbal and emotional abuse was just more than I could take.

I'm very sad that the relationship is over but I need to come to grips with the fact that I will never get what I need out of it.

Please feel free to ask me any questions if you have them. After 8 years of this, I feel like i've seen it all (in terms of my ex's bipolar disorder).
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replied November 20th, 2009
biopolar disorder
Hi there,

i have been in a relatioship for 10 months now with my girfriend , the first 4 months the relatiosship was ok , until we decided get really into a relationship , she used to going out and get drunk and smoke weed, i sarted tell her that i dont like that kind critize but in the best way for her, at this stage she told me that she has depressio and sometimes she needs to get out and this help her (i dont agree) , she has daughter and she left her husband which is turquish which used to treat her badly mentally, one time i invaded her privacy saw an e-mail my mistake she in the deep side. things from that stage started to not be alright arguments started coming up, her moods of calling me this and that and troug me away from her house . one day i try to call her she doesnt answer i feelt that she was lyng so i went into her flat outside and i saw her kissing her husband i felt so bad that i call her to my house witout she knows what i saw and i ask her if she had something to tel me 3 times i was drinking and i told her to get away from my house .i finished but i was looking to understand why so i meet her other day for her to explain me she sayng that was her mistake , she felt guilty but in the same time say that she had to go way and look for support that i couldn give i dont understand why she can go to someone who treat badly?? so the last episode was this weekend she went to a house party and i know she was drinking and smoking weed and she said that she call me on sunday but i try to call her lots of times and sshe never answered just monday when i send a text sayng that is the end of the realtionship i had enough , she said that phone was broken thats an stipid excuse because the phone rings . she tell me that i have been treat her bad but is not true i just been tel her whats the best like stop drinking to much not smoke , beacuse when she does that she is other person . 2 weeks ago she went to see a psiquiatrist and she has been diagnosted bipolar disorder , when she goes out is in weekends and she goes and smoke weed . my friend tell me to laeve her that i have bveen stupid i already give her lots of oportunities .im lost because i like her but i can help her and she doesnt change , she is not taking medication , she takes sleep pils , and she says that she is not a drug addict or alcoolic wich is true but she doest it ounce a week syng that helps the state of her mind. she told me that when she waspregnat she smoked weed because she doesnt want take medication because has worst effects , she said that she made research on that. dont know what to do , i like her but i may need look aqfter myself? can u help me??
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replied November 30th, 2009
I have started going out with my boyfriend 4 years ago it was always an on and off relationship, and it was always made to seem from his point of view my fault, and never his. I have done a lot for this relationship for the past 4 years, I really loved him I took care of him, paid for him, anything that would make him happy I did for him not expecting anything back, regardless even if he was bipolar I still stood by him and supported him and now he forgot all those times that I was there for him and all the sacrifices I have done for him, he is getting engaged to another girl while he is with me, I am right so devastated that all this year how can he use me like a doormat, and get married to someone else, is bipolar people that much heartless, that they are so ungrateful to those who actually cares about them? I really love him, and it really hurts to see all this years he used me and my only advice to you all out there who are in a relationship with bipolar is it will bring you a life long heartaches because no matter what you do for a bipolar person they never appreciated instead they take you for granted, and makes you a complete stranger at the end, I am so lost right now, that my whole like was revolving around him now I have lost my own sanity and left with a broken heart that will take long time to pick up all the shattered pieces of my broken heart and start a new life without him.
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replied October 15th, 2011
bipolar is not a death sentence, but defining a person by it is
It sounds like everyone is a bit misinformed and blaming bipolar instead of puting any fault on yourself. Bipolar people do not lie about being bipolar, they deny it when the disease leaves them powerless. They also deny it when they confide in people with their diagnosis and its used against them like some force they have no power over. Bipolar can be debilitating, and if its fed it can absolutely destroy a bipolar person. ? Let me explain, if you tell someone they are stupid over and over...eventually they may start to believe it...same with bipolar. You tell someone you are bipolar, you need meds, you're sick...you're crazy, or ask the question, have you been seeing a therapist? This makesa bipolar person begin to believe they have no power over anything, not even how they feel. They doubt their entire existence...DO NOT CALL A BIPOLAR, a bipolar. Please. This makes you senseless. It was hard enough telling themselves they were sick and actually admitting it and owning it probably too several years. Focus on the positives like the fact that most every bipolar is very intelligent, confident, loving, real, sensitive, and yes, loyal. Stop making us out to be sex pheoning animals...not true. It can be, but its not the case for all bipolars. We are still certain we can feel things and we can certainly feel when people feel sorry for us or don't respect us for our disease. Telling the man or woman we love we are bipolar is risky and selfless. Not because we are liars, but because we know people will never see us as people again, but rather, a disorder. I am bipolar and never left a man because I was bipolar...in fact, I never left a man because I was indeed bipolar. We are dependent at times and not loose with commitment. We are interesting people who light up the room, and we shine brighter when people we love she us as partners not patients. Chances are your boyfriend or girlfriend suffering from this disorder left you because you were making them suffer worse. I'm guessing nothing they told you mattered enough to consider and actually believe they felt it. If a bipolar says they feel like your making them inadequate...wake up...you are making them feel inadequate...to you...not themselves.nothing makes us more upset. Be supportive, understanding, and communicate. Do not blame or avoid or call us sick. We know how we feel.
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replied October 24th, 2011
Honestly, it's more of a case by case basis. Nobody should stereotype an entire group of people due to one bad experience with someone. For example, my ex would treat me well one day, and the next be extremely cold and distant, lie about important things, and would emotionally manipulate me. Needless to say, the relationship didn't end well. But nevertheless, I don't hold anything against people with bipolar disorder.
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replied December 5th, 2012
biplolar
Hi am Jo,

My boyfriend has bipolar, doesnt not take meds anymore. He drinks alot and then gets into yelling at me, about the kids and everything. I feel i not good enough for him. But i bend over backwards for him. I cook, clean and make his lunch for work etc.. I do love him and we have a 15mth old son together. Is it normal to feel scary when he comes home from work,as i dont know what mood he will be in. I am to scary to talk back to him when his in a mood as it just makes it worse. I sit there with my head down as if am a child . My chidren are scary of his moods swings to . please help.
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