Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Is It Time to Go/why Did I Stay This Long

A year and a half ago I met this guy who I feel in love with. I love him more than anything - I still do after everything that has happened. We were basically forced to get married while going through a costody battle for his daughter. A week before we got married he told me not to raise my voice to him or he would put my head through the f'in wall. He had always acted erratic - he would keep everything to himself - he would call me every name in the book and then tell me that he didn't mean it he was just trying to hurt me so I would leave him alone - he would leave - he wouldn't come home until after 11pm and not call to tell me he wasn't coming home - there was all kinds of little things but never anything like this. Of course he came up minutes later and apologized. We got married and in 3 months he hit me in the jaw with his elbow saying it was my fault and I cornered him and tried to force him to talk to me about what was wrong. The next month 3 days after we bought a house together he told punched me in the jaw twice because I got a job offer from our realtor (i was in that line of work at the time) and he accused me of f'in the realtor. He left to go on deployment so the next few months were ok. He got back in september and in october he sent me the emergency room to have 5 stitches in my head. When he saw the blood he freaked out (reality of what he had done and the fear of losing his job) and he promised me he would never lay his hands on me again. He also promised he would go to anger management counseling. He said if I wanted to leave he would give me anything I wanted. I stayed and he hasn't hit me again (yet) - he didn't go to counseling - he refuses now. What he does do is threaten to hit me - to break my nose, to send me to the hospital again. I made the mistake of telling him that I was afraid of him after the last incident when I went to the er and I think he uses that. To me the threats are just about as bad as the actual hitting. I know he is emotionally abusive and physically abusive and mentally abusive. I am so scared to leave. I have packed before and he has stopped me and things have gotten better for a while. I have drawn up the divorce and left for 4 days to go to my moms out of state and when I came back things were great for a while. The last time I signed the papers and gave them to him and the next morning he got hurt at work and I got called to the emergency room - he was ok while he was off work. He just went back monday and now it seems we are back to the games. He has a bad day and he won't even speak to me, he's in a bad mood he doesn't even acknowledge anybody, he says I haven't done anything he's just in a bad mood - is this normal??? Everybody has bad days, everybody gets in bad moods why shut the door to your spouse. Why alienate me - i'm there to help make the bad days better to talk about it. I have never been in an abusive relationship before ever. I didn't grow up in an abusive relationship. He did - he has no relationship at all with either of his parents. Am I fighting a losing battle?
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replied March 23rd, 2006
Experienced User
Yes!!!!


Run don't walk!!

Don't let him know....Leave while he's at work....And let the lawyers do the rest! :)
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replied March 24th, 2006
Abusive Relationship
The first thing you need to know is it is not your fault. He is an abuser and this is not caused by anger. This is a learned behavior. If it was just anger, he would hit you in public or anyone else that made him angry. I work for a domestic violence shelter in florida and you need to find one in your area. They can give you counseling on this, help you with a safety plan and give you shelter or referrals if you need them. The abuse will only get worse and one day he will go too far!!!!
Domestic is a learned behavior and this is what he knows. You are a smart girl because you do realize your situation. You are not crazy for staying and you are among millions, because you think it will get better. He can get help, but I would make sure if you leave do not go back until you see major changes. What about his ex? Do you know if that was an abusive relationship? Please find a shelter and they will help you!!!!
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replied March 25th, 2006
I grew up with an abusive father,i hated it. He only hit my mother, out of all the relationships he had only my mother!! He is not that way now but it took, 13 years before he changed. If you met him you wouldn't know but before you would. It was scary, and when my mom finally left for the first time, we moved to different state, like six away. What I have learned is that no matter what you say to them they feel you deserve what they are giving you. I wouldn't stay, things are bound to get worse before they get better. He has to want to change. And he doesn't know what he really has until its gone. My mom left a few times and came back. When we came back it was okay for about 6 months and then it started again. Things didn't change in his life until he realized my mother wasn't coming back until he changed which was four years before I seen him again. My mom and dad are back together, going on 7years now and he don't hit her anymore, he is usually very sweet. I only got to see two years of my new father, before I moved away.
He told me once that he was glad mom moved us away because he said he probably would have killed her over his jealousy. And that he really didn't know why he acted the way he did, he just thought it was okay when he knows now that he was very wrong. I love the man he is today, and the man he was is dead. I hope this can help.
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replied March 25th, 2006
My mother said she stayed as long as she did, because she didn't love or want any other man besides my father. Her life mattered more to her then the relationship when she finally left and stayed away until he was a different person.
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replied March 25th, 2006
Get Away While You Still Can
I was in a abusive relationship with my ex husband . He didn't care that our daughter was standing right there watching all of this happening either.I was tired of getting hit and explaining to everyone where these marks were coming from , people must have thought I was a real clutz.One time he gave me a black eye and I had to tell his family the dog jumped on me and scratched my eye.Another time he hit me in the mouth with his wedding band and knocked half my front tooth out . He got jealous when I went to a meeting for my job and he seen me talking to a coworker and hit me in the back of the head so hard I almost blacked out and I was the one driving the car. Well needless to say that was the last straw I met someone else that swept me off my feet and have been happy ever since.Of course he cried his eyes out but it may sound mean but he got exactly what he deserved!
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replied March 28th, 2006
This is my first post here, but I am in a similar situation. I feel so stupid, but I want to make my marriage work. My husband is a mixture of two different people. He can be loving and kind, and if I say something that he takes the wrong way, he will fly off and start screaming at me. Yes, he has hit me, and mentally abused me. One of our main problems is that he drinks. I disapprove of this, and I tell him so. That is when all hell breaks lose. Don't get me wrong, I don't disapprove of a social drink, but he has a problem with alcohol. He will try to stay away from it, but he has these buddies that are always coming around and he falls right back into it. I know that they can't make him drink, but I feel like he will think he is not cool or whipped, if you know what I mean. So they have their fun and I suffer the consequences. I don't know how to get him to understand that he should put his family first. When I try talking to him, his temper flares up and he has a bad one. I just want a normal marriage. Does anyone have any advice? It would be greatly appricieated.
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