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Yet Another.. Negative Self Hating/pitying Depressed Topic

It's 4:29 am on the east coast... I don't even know where to begin let's see i'll be 20 in 6 days so that means it will have been 4 years since happiness permanently left me... It's always started with some girl, and everything just goes down hill from there.. I used to get migraine headaches and miss a lot of high school and eventually ended up dropping out.. A failure i'm reminded of everytime I enter the community college i'm forced to attend.. And from there... My failure mindset began, it started in 9th grade with "why don't girls ever like me" and was topped off with the whole drop out thing.. I feel futureless, some of the posts i've read on here make me feel even more like killing myself.. Like single 30 year olds and such but my mother, whom I inherited depression from is a very fragile woman and fortunately I haven't developed enough selfish hate for it to consume my love for my family.. I feel futureless, what is the !**@! point of getting a job, having money, all of that materialistic linear !**@! if for the rest of your life you are half of a lacking whole? It makes me feel so futureless... And this girl who was kind of my "saviour" after I dropped out.. I've depended on her for happiness for about 4 years now, we had a special bond because she was there for me when I dropped out and nobody gave a !**@! about me.. She was there and I told her everything.. I eventually fell in love with her but she never felt the same.. And now likes this self-centered, conceited !**@! !**@! in our clique who claims he loves her, along with everyone... And the thought of them doing anything ugh... I can't even sleep, this crap just hurts so much... I always hurt so much, I cut, I cry, I front, I cut and cry some more.. I'm never happy... And this girl, she's done some !**@! up crap to me.. Hooked up with all of quote unquote "best friends" and they were not going to tell me.. My best friends heh.. Sorry this post lacks any punctuation, anyways the friend who was "there for me" through all of it, I finally got the truth about him doing it too just this year.. crap happened a year ago.. 2006 is just breakin g my heart.. I feel like i'm at my breaking point.. I mean i'm sure this crap doesnt seem bad to you guys and you "have it much worst" but I don't know... One of my best friends who was in our little "depression triangle" it was me, matt, and joey.. Matt killed himself and we had always told each other about how we were feeling.. But he just up and left and to this day is one of the only people who I could say anything to and get a relating response.... I just... Don't know what to do... I'm always hurting.. So bad... And jobs, money, cars.. None of that crap matters.. Not to mention I don't even have my license... I hate everything about myself, that's why I cut.. Cuz everything that's happened is my !**@! fault and I wished to hurt the person at fault who I hate the most... I've never had a g/f, think im ugly bla blah blah you've heard all of this crap before.. I'm so !**@! tired of complaining, it's all I ever do... Hell might be all i'm good at.. If I just wasn't here to experience this "this".. That's why I want to die.. I want to erase the person causing me the most pain... I just wish I knew what to do.. If anyone could tell me I would listen... Ive also written up a daily reminder to remind me of what a piece of crap I am anytime I question why somethings happening.. It reminds me im an ugly !**@!, reminds me I !**@! and whine, reminds me i've cut and scared my body and am too out of touch to ever be in a relationship, reminds me i'm a failure.. But at this point it's like i'm afraid to be happy.. Because I know the things I want will never happen or come back..But I can't part with them.. I keep editing this post as I remember what I wanna say.. But it's late I dont really know what i'm saying really.. And i'm atheist so no "jesus posts" will be of any help to me
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replied March 13th, 2006
Experienced User
I'm probably gonna get blasted but i'll give it a shot anyway. I haven't been on this site long so I don't know whether your taking meds or not.
Personnally you sound like damaged goods, truly would you be attracted to you if you were the other person...Not likely right? You don't need a girlfriend right now...You need to do anything and everything to help yourself. You need to boost your self esteem....Do the absolute best you can at college; learn to drive; get a job...Not just any job...Reach high...What are you qualified for?...Not much?....Go union, look at your city website....Be creative...Look at the obvious and not so obvious...Anything from trash collector to waterworks operator to working on the railroad etc.
My point is once you have set a goal and have achieved it you will feel a hundred times better about yourself. Then set another and another, the girlfriend will come....But be truthful...Is it fair to lay all your probs on someone and expect them to be your saviour?

Not trying to be a heavy....Believe it or not...I am on your side. :)
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replied March 13th, 2006
Girls, and thinking with our ****, can really warp reality. We don't need women. The right one sure adds another dimension but it aint all pretty. When those hormones wear off she's just a regular girl, with problems and annoying behaviors just like us men. I alot of men would love to get away from the woman they are with.

No relationships are worth killing ourselves over.
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