Hello,

im 19 turning 20 this dec. Currently attending college. I have never been in a start of a relationship, nor had a girlfriend, or been kissed. I have never been on a date, nor asked out, but then again I have never asked a girl out either. I never had any close friends that are girls, heck I rarely have any friends that are girls.

Why? Prob because I lack confidence, its really hard for me to meet or approach anyone, let alone a girl.

I am not overweight, or a type you would call a nerd. I dont do drugs, nor smoke. I dont like sports, so im not a football freak kinda guy. I really dislike show offs, which I try my best to avoid doing.
Im a neutral, openminded, easygoing guy. Im nice and considerate. Im honest and loyal ( I mean it when I say this, I have and will never betray a friend). When it comes to physical skills im actually quite athlethic, I workout and exercise daily with the proper diet. I run fast, jump high and quite agile. I amaze all of my friends when they see me flex my arms, they are really ripped :wink: (heck, I even have a six pack, sorry if im bragging). Im into art. I like to skateboard, design webpages and graphic art. I also practice martial arts and freerunning in my freetime. Im also the tallest in my family. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, I also cook for my family daily.

So why dont I get approached by girls? Ehh... Im not too sure of this myself.

Here are some possible reasons.... I think..
-im quiet
-im shy
-i hunch
-i play videogames
-i like anime (rurouni kenshin is my fav! <3)
-im skinny, ripped and vainy ( I heard somewhere that girls dont like vainy guys, but sorry I cant help it)
-umm what else? I have acne
-i dont go to clubs, I dont drink
-i cant dance
-i bite my nails
-im not popular
-im unapproachable (i think)
(i'll update if I think of more.. Lol)

my type of girl? - quiet, intellectual, well mannerd, good sense of humor, loyal, great simle :d , and share similar interests. These qualities are my definition of beauty.

You know that saying that goes, " there is a person for everyone in the world", yea I believe its true, but I just dont think that everyone are able to find that special someone in their lifetime......
Sometimes I feel like my time is running out, im still young and free now but as I age, I feel that my chances will slowing deplete as I get more responsibilities such as paying bills, more challenging school studies, and work.

Sigh. Anyone have any comments or advice? Or feel the same way as i?
I appreciate it for you guys spending your time reading this.

Many thanks :)
kens
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replied March 14th, 2006
Yeah i'm pretty much in the same situation. I'm also 19, turning 20 a couple of months before you and i'm in my 2nd year at uni.

Also never been out with a girl, never been asked and never asked anyone.

I have all the usual problems that are talked about on this forum, no confidence, no self belief or self esteem, and i'm also quite short and fairly average looking (at best) which doesn't help the matter. Also don't drink or go to clubs and all that, so perhaps I am perceived as incredibly dull, although I am pretty active in sports, with soccer and tennis being the mains ones I play for teams/clubs but i'll play anything else given the chance. Have actually played soccer at a reasonably high level (national tournament sort of stuff) and I can hold my own at tennis so i'm not hopeless at physical activities.

I suppose my main problem is my confidence/self esteem (or lack of). I can't see any reason why any girl would ever like me at all over other guys, and I can't see that I have anything to offer them. So then when theres someone I like, and there always is someone, I will never do anything about it.

I guess I also always fall into the unattractive "nice guy" category, in that I have friends who are girls and I will always be the shoulder to cry on, guy to help with uni work, guy to chat to etc but never more than friends.


All these thoughts are starting to control my mind tbh, I can't think of anything else. Never used to worry about this stuff, but then you can't help it when you see all your friends getting girls all over the place, your parents constantly asking when you will bring one home, my 16 year old brother all of sudden has a girlfriend who is over at our house all the time, and lately I am feeling even more like a loser than ever. But I know having a girlfriend isn't the be all and end all of life, if I had one all my problems wouldn't magically disappear, I just need to learn to believe that and somehow learn to be happy as I am. So anyone got any advice for learning to like yourself and be happy as you are? Thats what I really need to learn to do this year. Perhaps if we can achieve this state, we will be able to improve all aspects of our life.


Glad I have found this forum and that there are others who feel exactly the same way.(not saying I am glad others feel this way, just that its good to know i'm not the only one)
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replied March 14th, 2006
ajc28 wrote:



I have friends who are girls and I will always be the shoulder to cry on, guy to help with uni work, guy to chat to etc but never more than friends.



heh, I guess we're on the same boat, but I dont even have friends that are girls (well maybe 1 or 2). I rarely talk to anyone, let alone girls. And when I do, it quite difficult because I cant help but feel attactive to them. I find almost all girls attractive in their own little ways but its strange, im less attactive to a girl who is popular and who is prob most attactive to other guys.

Sometimes (on very rare occasions), a girl would seem like shes trying to start a conversation with me, by asking a questions. But me being a peabrain, answers the question as short as possible to avoid confrontation. So, I would say, yes or no, and that'll be the end of that.

Heh, sometimes I would get glances and stares of smiles, like if shes flirting with me or something but i, instead of going up and say hello, I turn my head, and walk away.

Maybe I cant blame anyone but myself....
I feel like I missed out on so many once in a life opportunities.

Being happy is most important, as you said, ajc28. Its not that im not happy being single. Its just that I just feel lonely and like if a part of me is incomplete. I really want to find that missing piece so I could comfort my soul.
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replied March 14th, 2006
Extremely eHealthy
Hi there! Go to a gym. It is a great way to work on the body and to meet people aand to get out of the lul you are in and you sleep better too.
Good luck!
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replied March 14th, 2006
sandyallen wrote:
hi there! Go to a gym. It is a great way to work on the body and to meet people aand to get out of the lul you are in and you sleep better too.

Good luck!


hey, I do already go to the gym.
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replied March 15th, 2006
Yep I also go to the gym at uni, and as I already said i'm pretty active in a number of sports.

And yep being happy with ourselves is what we need to be, its good that you are happy being as you are. I also have that lonely feeling like something is missing that you talk about, although I am also pretty unhappy as I am. I'm going to be 20 soon and I feel like I have missed out on youth.
I guess if we don't like ourselves then theres no way other people will so I really need to learn how to like myself this year.
As for stares, smiles and glances from girls, I can't say thats something I am familiar with. I often try to give them to girls though, in fact I have been trying it all the time lately around uni etc as a way of trying to increase confidence but they never respond with so much as a smile. I suppose thats all to do with my looks which unfortunately is the one thing I can't change. Its probably just aswell though cos if I did get an unlikely positive response I wouldn't know what to do and I would probably walk away and turn my head like you do.

Oh well, there is more to life, and learning to like myself should be the priority for the moment.
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replied March 19th, 2006
Just start by saying hi every time you make eye contact with a girl. Start by saying it under your breath, and as you progress start saying it louder and louder. In a couple weeks try to go up to a girl and make eye contact and say hello, or hi or whats up . And if she responds negatively, do not worry. I used to have this problem because when I got a negative response my anxiety would shoot through the roof and I would want to climb into a hole, but as I progressed I started noticing that its stupid to feel embarassed. I started actually looking around when I got rejected, and all the guys I saw that had seen it happen looked kind of jealous in a way because they admired my courage to talk to her. And the girls that might have seen didnt look down on me either cuz the way I made it seem like I didnt care made them think I was confident. But the main thing is dont be scared of rejection, cuz its going to happen to everyone. I bet johnny dep has been rejected a heck of a lot of times. No matter wat if u dont try to approach women then you will never approach women. And also stop trying to think of what she would say or think, just go up and do it. What she says is not important. Whats important is being able to stop the negative thoughts in your head and turn them into positive thoughts. Instead of thiking that she will look at u in disgust, think of what would happen if you became friends or more and that should motivate u.
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replied March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Have You Ever
Have you considered talking to woman online to see what they like dis like etc? That should alo help with your communication.
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replied March 20th, 2006
alex39k wrote:
instead of thiking that she will look at u in disgust, think of what would happen if you became friends or more and that should motivate u.


thats the problem, I can't. I can tell myself that positive stuff as much as I like but its pointless because I just don't believe it. Its just meaingless words to me. I also seem to believe that if I tried approaching a girl I like I would somehow be offending her by having the nerve to think she would want to be seen with me.
Thats ridiculous and completely illogical of course, I know that, but thats what my mind tells me. My rational mind tells me that she couldn't possibly be the slightest bit interested in me over all the other more attractive and more confident guys.
But this stuff is not important at the moment, approaching a girl/asking one out is a long long way off, I need to like myself first and stop 'needing' to find a girl.

So how does someone who hates everything about themself go about learning to like themself? I'm sick of feeling like an outsider looking in at every other person my age enjoying life.
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replied March 20th, 2006
You see, thats the problem your mind. Its all in your head. You might be a handsome guy but your mind tells you your ugly. You see yourself talking to the girl in your head, then all of a sudden your "mind" tells you that you cant. Your mind is the devil so stop believng it . Its tellking you you cant, you will fail all the negative things. Just think positive, and I bet more girls will start to look at you. Just start thinking positive in every aspect of your life. Stop being a downer. A woman can tell if you always think negativily about yourself or about your life and they hate that . Make some goals, put some effort into it and it will be alright man. Smile more, laugh more, have fun with life no matter what you are doing and I bet you more girls will start to be attracted to you. Just let the real you come out and stop worrying about all the bs, man. As for if your still afraid to go up and talk to a woman, what if it was your last day on earth would you do it ? If you knew u were gonna die tommorow, what would you do walk past the girl you like in chemistry class or go up and say hello and thats how u gotta think cuz u could die at any second and I dont wanna miss out on any chances of something that could be the best thing in ur life yadadameean? Think positive and go for it u !**@!
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replied March 23rd, 2006
Experienced User
ajc28 wrote:
yeah i'm pretty much in the same situation. I'm also 19, turning 20 a couple of months before you and i'm in my 2nd year at uni.


Also never been out with a girl, never been asked and never asked anyone.


I have all the usual problems that are talked about on this forum, no confidence, no self belief or self esteem, and i'm also quite short and fairly average looking (at best) which doesn't help the matter. Also don't drink or go to clubs and all that, so perhaps I am perceived as incredibly dull, although I am pretty active in sports, with soccer and tennis being the mains ones I play for teams/clubs but i'll play anything else given the chance. Have actually played soccer at a reasonably high level (national tournament sort of stuff) and I can hold my own at tennis so i'm not hopeless at physical activities.

I suppose my main problem is my confidence/self esteem (or lack of). I can't see any reason why any girl would ever like me at all over other guys, and I can't see that I have anything to offer them. So then when theres someone I like, and there always is someone, I will never do anything about it.


I guess I also always fall into the unattractive "nice guy" category, in that I have friends who are girls and I will always be the shoulder to cry on, guy to help with uni work, guy to chat to etc but never more than friends.



All these thoughts are starting to control my mind tbh, I can't think of anything else. Never used to worry about this stuff, but then you can't help it when you see all your friends getting girls all over the place, your parents constantly asking when you will bring one home, my 16 year old brother all of sudden has a girlfriend who is over at our house all the time, and lately I am feeling even more like a loser than ever. But I know having a girlfriend isn't the be all and end all of life, if I had one all my problems wouldn't magically disappear, I just need to learn to believe that and somehow learn to be happy as I am. So anyone got any advice for learning to like yourself and be happy as you are? Thats what I really need to learn to do this year. Perhaps if we can achieve this state, we will be able to improve all aspects of our life.



Glad I have found this forum and that there are others who feel exactly the same way.(not saying I am glad others feel this way, just that its good to know i'm not the only one)
thats how I am, im freshman in college, njcaa national qualifier in track and field, I dont have super good luck with the ladies either. We flirt alot, and I go on the occasional little dates and stuff, but I never get into serious relationships. I think the main problems are im too nice, and too busy. 18 mile cummute each way to school, full time school, track practices after school, and work after practice every weekday, then homework if I have it, then I pretty much work every weekend. I dont know what to do though, gas is expensive, car insurance is high after I got 5 points and a $190 fine for goin 63 in a 35 (going down a huge ass hill in the middle of nowhere, about a mile away from my house, 2 days before my radar detector came off of ebay), then I pay 40 a month for cell phone, books are expensive, and bike insurance is a few hundred a year (i have a crotch-rocket). Plus I pay 3 grand a semester out of my pocket for school, plus food, gotta eat. I wish I was one of the scholarship kids in my class, if you have a deseased parent, or theyre divorced or if they just dont make enough money, you get free books, free meals, free housing, and they get a huge check every semester for what they dont use of the scholarship money. My friend got $1200 last semester! So I did the math, im working/practicing/driving/going to school about 70-80 hours each week, while these scholarship students are just going to class around 30 hours a week at most, no jobs, no sports, no cars, no bills, dont have to worry about cops taking their $$, theyre richer than me! And are getting the same degree =(. Wow I got off topic, but the moral of the story...Life isnt fair.
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replied May 19th, 2006
Sorry for bringing up this old topic.

Couple of months on from my posts above, my situation is somewhat better. Been doing a lot of things suggested here and elsewhere to improve confidence/communication etc. And I am starting to feel better about myself.
Instead of boring everyone with what I have been doing, I will share a little success story. Met this great girl at uni, and for the first time in my life I just went for it, we met up for lunch at uni today and went well enough that we are gonna do something tomorrow night too.
Nothing big, but its a start, and I have finally found some much needed self-belief :)

it can be done guys. Just make the effort to improve things, and they can actually improve. You may think you are the only person in the world who feels like you do, I did at first. But then you come across something like this forum and discover some of your problems are actually pretty common, and can be overcome if you want them to.
Don't give up.
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replied May 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Re: Single Forever?....
kens wrote:

-im quiet
-im shy
-i hunch
-i play videogames
-i like anime (rurouni kenshin is my fav! <3)
-im skinny, ripped and vainy ( I heard somewhere that girls dont like vainy guys, but sorry I cant help it)
-umm what else? I have acne
-i dont go to clubs, I dont drink
-i cant dance
-i bite my nails
-im not popular
-im unapproachable (i think)
(i'll update if I think of more.. Lol)


you know, as soon as I read yourp ost, I thought of what everytpne mostly does. They stright away write off the bad points of themselves and make little faults seem like huge craters. Half of the stuff you have like acne, or biting your nails is what nearly half of the population does. As for not being able to dance, I bet you cud shake your booty!!
And not drinking...So what?

The youth culture is dominated, in the idea that everyone must follow each other like sheep. If you don't do something classed as 'cool', then your not cool.


I know and then have a problem where I feel like I can't appraoch and can't be approached. But you've got to try and ignore that and go for it.

I reckon that your all really great people. Believe me, though your drawing bad points, I bet your very appealing.
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replied June 14th, 2006
Experienced User
I have these problems too but i'm also not thin (almost overweight since I sit around all day mopeing(sp?)) and you know girls don't like guys who are not in shape since they have health problems and stuff. I go to the gym but nobody talks to me...They start talking to everyone else there as they meet them but ignore me so I feel unwanted and dislike that gym, even the staff except 1.
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replied July 27th, 2006
Extremely eHealthy
Wow. You know when I was 20 it never crossed my mind I was going to be single forever. I realized that might be a possibility after my 30 birthday of still being single lol!! Still then I never lost hope. I'm sorry I can't believe someone at 20 years old could possibly think they are going to stay single forever. Please guys you guys are wayyyyyy too young. You guys have plenty of time to have relationships trust me. When you get to 30 you will laugh at what you tough when you were 20.
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replied August 11th, 2006
Well there's your problem. You've never asked a girl out. Guy's are still mostly the ones assumed to make the first move. You shouldn't wait for a girl to ask you out, cuz alot girls still even dare ask a guy out. Too bad you're as old as you are, or you could just get your best friend to tell the girl you like that you like them and want to go out with them lol. It doesn't work like that anymore. And if you have trouble getting girls in real life, you could always try the internet if talking over it makes you more comfortable, and then go to talking on the phone and then meet. I don't know how to boost your confidence, it's just somethin you have to force yourself to work on. I don't know.....
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replied September 21st, 2006
I am 28 yrs old and still today I never had a gf or kissed a girl yet..The way things are going for me, it just seems like to me that I am going to be single forever, I don't want think that way but just seems like it to me.
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replied March 10th, 2007
Experienced User
Raziel Is Right
Raziel couldn't hit the note better...

Girls NEVER EVER EVER EVER make the first move.
Only ONCE have I EVER seen a girl make the first move. Funnily enough, that girl was my first and only girlfriend, but let me assure you, she had just hit puberty and I was the first guy she had sexual urges towards....Usually, in fact basically ALL Of THE TIME, it is a COMPLETE FREAK OCCURENCE WHEN A GIRL MAKES THE FIRST MOVE!!

Also, someone quite a few posts back was complaining about not being able to logically figure out what a girl wants and is thinking? Of course you can't. In fact whoever said it is a FOOL for trying to think that way.
There's no way you can understand a woman. NOT even WOMEN themselves can understand women. the inner workings of their minds are an enigma wrapped in a mystery, entombed in uncertainty and sporadic indefinite misunderstanding...
in other words, don't bother trying to !**@! logically map out how a woman is thinking, becuase being a guy, you JUST CAN't, unless you have ESp and can read minds.
The best thing to do, is to work with how the girls/woman of your dreams is acting and try to be as confident and honest as possible.
If she's a frigid !**@!, regardless of how you act?
!**@! HER!
She's not important. There are a lot of women out there and it's foolish just to get hung up on the ones who are rejecting you.
You know what I do when I GET rejected?
I say "!**@! !**@!" and move on.

It's not graceful, it aint pretty, it aint very refined, but hell, it's my way and I'm happy the way I am.
Sure I have only had one girlfriend and am still a virgin, but its becuase I acted the way you guys who were complaining about being single before did.

I found out how to be happy with myself, like you did...
Now the trick is to stay happy.
hahahaha
Well, I'm learning. and I...Well, I've got a lot more to say about this, and I also have to work on a paper for my psych class,...so I'll cut this short.

Be yourself, be confident and don't take crap. One of the first ways you learn to respect yoursself is to not get talked down to by anyone..and if you are..don't take it. Hold your head up high and tell them what you think. you'll feel like a stronger person...I started to do that, and I sure feel a lot stronger!

Cheers, fellas.
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replied June 7th, 2007
I'm 54 and never could even get a date! I've had to hang it up and accept the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life... I've never been in a relationship, I've always been the nice guy who is "just like a brother" to all females I've ever known. I figure if nothing has happened yet, it probably won't. Not getting any younger. Don't let this happen to you. Trust me....you DON'T want to end up like me!
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replied June 7th, 2007
Experienced User
iwishiknew wrote:
I am 28 yrs old and still today I never had a gf or kissed a girl yet..The way things are going for me, it just seems like to me that I am going to be single forever, I don't want think that way but just seems like it to me.


Well, don't despair too much.
Listen, the secret behind any kind of attraction is to make yourself confident. And that's not always easy...Sometimes it takes working out, landing a good job, or whatever. but the fastest way to getting chicks to be more comfortable around you is to be comfortable around yourself.
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