Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum

Surviving the Breakup Due to Bipolar?

It has been 2 months since my boyfriend and I broke up because of his recent diagnosis. It is very strange because we are broken up in the way that he does not have to answer to me or have the responsibiliies of a relationship but he still is a fixture in my life. He calls me everyday or see each other. He says he still loves me and invites me to family functions and diners. I am not being intimate with him but are emotional connection is still very strong. I want him back. He says he can not handle the stress and comitment in a relationship. What can I do to show him I am there for him? Please help.
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First Helper geneva88
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replied December 31st, 2005
Experienced User
Stop Getting Jerked Around
You say you're broken up, but he keeps calling and inviting you to family events.

Well, you keep going and pretending that this a satisfactory relationship for you--if you need or want more in a relationship, tell him that and stop accepting his invitations and answering the phone!

Get back in the swim of things and figure out what geneva wants to do, without predicating it upon what he may want to do.

Bipolar disorder is not an invitation to infantilize him by never treating him like an adult. An adult would say, "look here. This is not working for me. I wish you the best, I know that you are a great person, but I am not going to play "let's pretend" for your public image. I may regret this someday, but right now I have my life to live."

my husband has woken up to the fact that I do not care if he lives, dies or rots; the kids and I function very well without him. Better than we do when he is around as a matter of fact. He is now trying to dog paddle in our direction. But he only started to try when I quit accepting inadequate/abuse as "good enough".

It isn't. Don't make excuses for it. You can roll cat sh*t in sugar and call it turkish delight, but it isn't. And even if you do decide to eat it and smile, it still isn't turkish delight!
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replied December 31st, 2005
Its Hard
He has never treated me bad, ever, until he found out he was bipolar and thats when all his weird behavior started. I feel like he invites me to things because he still cares about me and wants me in his life. He want to get his stuff together before he can be good for anyone. I am not a stupid person and will not wait around forever but he was such a wonderful boyfriend in the past I feel I owe him a chance to get himself together. Its hard cause I want the relationship and want to support him and know I am here for him. If I always turn down his invitations or do not call him back it looks like I don't care. It a touchy situation.
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replied January 1st, 2006
Experienced User
Interesting
Quote:
he has never treated me bad, ever, until he found out he was bipolar and thats when all his weird behavior started. I feel like he invites me to things because he still cares about me and wants me in his life. He want to get his stuff together before he can be good for anyone.


so, he finds out he is bipolar and he treats you badly. You continue to accept his treating you badly and excuse it due to a recent diagnosis. What's changed? You have. You are lowering your expectations for his behaviour. Or maybe he isn't as interested in you as you had thought, and this is his way of ditching you. Slowly, with "benefits" for himself and a lot of heartache for you. You really don't know why, and it doesn't really matter, does it?

"i feel he invites me to things because..." isn't the same as, "i have asked him why he invites me to these things and he says..."

ask him why.

Watch the walk, ignore the talk. You are not happy with this relationship because of his behaviour and the way it makes you feel.

Here's a quote that may fit your predicament:

you can't talk your way out of problems you behaved into. - stephen r. Covey
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replied January 1st, 2006
Experienced User
So, are you guys broken up or not? It is hard to tell by what you are saying. It sounds like he is just trying to just have you there if he needs you; keeping you on the back burner.So, he only started treating you badly after his diagnosis? I take it that means he is using his illness as an excuse to treat you badly. My ex did that all of the time! He used the illness as an excuse for everything he did. Seriously I would not put up with this. If I could turn back time I would not have stayed with my ex as long as did. I would have walked away after the day he threatened to run me over in his car. I let it go on way too long because he had an illness. Things never got better, in fact they got worse. We ended up having a child together, so I still have to deal with him. He claims he has changed now, but he hasn't changed one bit. Get out before that happens to you.
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replied January 1st, 2006
Its Not That Simple
He does not treat me bad at all. We just broke up when he found out because he was not capable to handle the relationship and did not want to put someone he loves so much through it. These are his words and I do believe he still loves me, he is still sweet to me I just want him back as a boyfriend not just a friend.
I see what you are saying and you might be absolutely right. I just feel its so new that I want to give it some time because he is worth it to me if in the end we can get to the way we used to be.
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replied January 2nd, 2006
Experienced User
There You Go Then!
Quote:
we just broke up when he found out because he was not capable to handle the relationship


sounds like you are no longer his girlfriend, you are his arm-candy and/or (excuse me)friend.


It's all about respect, as aretha rightly said. Don't accept sloppy emotional seconds from him. Do not believe him when he tells you that if it weren't for this darn bipolar disorder he'd be right there with you. Because he was bipolar before the diagnosis and you say it was a good relationship then.


Geneva, as you know, you cannot make him want to be with you. And he will never miss you if you do not make it clear what "broken-up" is--no relationship perks! You are dating other people, and not him. You wish him well, but you are not going to be played for a fool.


he shouldn't be drinking alcohol while on these meds.


And about that eternal-victimhood he embraces, "oh, I just don't deserve anything good..." that *is* manipulation.


Praise denied is praise desired twice you know.


You're a teacher, you wouldn't buy this from any of your students. He was your intimate partner, do you really think he doesn't know how to hit your sympathy buttons? How to lie to you in manner that you will believe him? Of course he does! We all do! It's just that we grow up and learn to face down our fears, mistakes, and own up to them and learn from them. Besides, if we don't and they come out later they bite us.


Happy new year (liz and geneva in particular), I hope 2006 proves to be a good one.
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replied January 8th, 2006
Its Seems So Different
I cant explain it but I do believe that he loves me and does not mean to hurt me. We are actually not sexually active at all. The moment we broke up I ended all that( too emotional). He is the one to call, not me. I try to keep the relations as friends but inside I am crushed and want him back( I don't tell him my feeling much. I once did ask him why and he said he can not explain it, that he just want to be alone right know. Is this normal for someone who found out their bipolar?
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replied January 9th, 2006
Experienced User
It's Hard
It's your life.

If you feel worse after seeing him, why accept the invitations?

If he wants to be alone to mull over his diagnosis, why is he using you like a security blanket?

A good friend would respect your feelings too, and you are hurt and you need time to recover from being dumped. I stand by my earlier statement, he was bipolar before the diagnosis and you state the relationship was acceptable. Nothing has changed except his diagnosis.

Have you read lynne namka's "drama triangle revisited"? You may find it interesting.
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replied January 9th, 2006
Thanks
Thank you for all of your advice. I am just thinking out loud in many of my entires and it helps for someone to listen. I am working on my aself right know and if we end up together I will be happy. If not I will accept it and move on. Its hard to lose your best friend.
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replied August 27th, 2013
My girlfriend broke up with me after I told her I have bipolar disorder, I also told her how my bipolar disorder came about from somehow from previous bad relationship experiences. She couldn't stand it any more. But I don't regret, I solely believe it is a moral must to tell my future beloved of my condition as early as possible, so that I don't harm her later on down the track when she eventually finds out of my condition, which she will from the daily scheduled medication intake.

This is from the mouth of a bipolar disorder suffer, hope this bridge some gap to those who tries to understand our mindsets.

I also like to say to all people of this world, bipolar disorder is not as scary as you might think, if follow the proper medications, the suffer is very well a normal person. Also list of famous people with the condition can be found on Wikipedia as follows.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_peopl e_with_bipolar_disorder

I would also like to mention that people from developing countries do suffer more misconceptions on this illness, as people are not as well educated about the realities of mental illness. So please help us suffers and broadcast a message of hope so that people understand us and not view us as dangerous and erratic beings!
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replied November 11th, 2016
My girlfriend of just over a year recently had a bad manic episode after going off her meds. She started bizarre arguments that were really one sided rants about either incoherent or completely useless topics (yelling at me about what I need to do if I ever want to meet her grandmother out of the blue comes to mind). She was blacking out completely sober and forgetting things she said, promises she made. When I called her out on promising to go camping when she decided she wanted to go clubbing instead, she stomped off and ended up on skid row doing crystal meth and landed herself in jail picked up by the cops.

This was all completely out of character behavior. She had never done meth before in her life. We spent nearly every day together for almost a year and a half and had only 3 arguments (over topics that mattered) in the first 12 months. The final 2 months were bizarre and it was like she turned into a different person.

Then one day she came home from work and broke up with me and left. Accusing me of cheating on her, said that there was 6 people who confirmed I was. No amount of logic would get through to her.

She even took to putting up posters all around my neighborhood with my picture on them denigrating me with my phone number asking people who saw the picture to call me and tell me what they thought of me. Left a strange box with a clown wig and a pig mask with it's eyes X'ed out and my name written like a crazy person with a backwards K and a $ for the S. Sent me texts that she wanted to punch me in the face and cut my penis off, that she would break into my house.

I had to call the police. I didn't want to get her into trouble with the law but I needed to at least create a file in case things escalated, eventually it got so bad the cops said she was borderline on an uttering threats charge, but would wait and see because I told them of her condition and that I was building a file just in case, not that I was looking for retribution.

Two weeks after all this, I got back together with my ex-girlfriend and moved on.

While I realized that this was due to her illness, I also realized that if she didn't take her mental health seriously (ie. not drinking to excess, not doing uppers like cocaine, and taking her meds regularly) if I waited for her and she came back I'd just be waiting until the next cycle.

I deserve to be happy. I was a great boyfriend. I gave her a place to live, got her a job and a career, bought her nice cards and flowers all the time, did her laundry, gave her a cheap place to live (she still owes me money and refuses to pay me back - $360 for 7 months of lodging and utilities is pretty good, just pay me the final $100 back and be done with it!) and everyone around us said we were the most compatible couple they'd ever seen.

It was finalized by her with a note saying I have a small ugly d*ck, that she hopes I die and live the rest of my life alone. Big pill to swallow after all I'd done with her.

She'll come back one day to make amends, probably when she comes out of the depressive phase. In the meantime I'm pretty happy with the girl I'm with. I still do miss her, we were the best of friends for a long time, but most guys would have dumped her for just one or two of the things she did in a manic phase.

I look at it as if she has regrets, wants me back and I'm gone, it may be the best therapy she could get- and maybe she'll stick to her meds.

By hanging on you become their enabler. They really do need to take their health seriously. You dont want to be the one constantly making excuses for their bad behavior, even if it's not abusive or as nutbar as what I went through. You want to be supportive but your life destiny is not there to support someone who needs to be supporting themselves. All healthy relationships, the partners support EACHOTHER sometimes. If it becomes one sided you will just burn out.

I learned my lesson years ago dating someone with borderline personality disorder. It can be an ugly road trying to keep it together and eventually they gaslight you and make you out to be the one who's crazy, and sometimes you actually feel that way.

My ex (the bipolar one I'm writing about) accused me of being narcissistic (she obviously didnt know what that is, it's lack of empathy and from the above its kind of obvious I was pretty empathetic), psychotic (odd considering her psych said she was at risk of psychosis), and that when I drank I turned into a different person (I polled my roommates on this one, and while I do drink a lot, they say they've never even seen me drunk, and ironically her one sided bizarre rants always took place when she was drinking to excess).

When a partner you love says things like that (its called projection) with such high conviction, you question yourself but they are actually just sick of the mind. Bipolar does not go away.

OP if your ex BF is walking away, one short note saying you forgive him and would like to keep him in your life, but if he isn't willing to work things out with you you are going to move on. Then wait a few days for a meaningful response, and if you don't get one, start dating and meeting new, more normal people.

People with BP have a habit of going off their meds on purpose. It happens for a multitude of reasons, but the most common are either that they are feeling normal and dont like the side effects (then its a ticking time bomb until the next episode) or worse, that they enjoy the mania (and may get into drugs like cocaine to instigate it).

Stick with this guy and you'll be on this roller coaster a long time.
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