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Alcoholic Boyfriend (Page 1)

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. While first getting to know him he told me that he had been in some trouble with the law in the past and had spent some time in jail. I saw past this and eventually fell in love with him. Since then he has once again gotten in trouble with the law and faces up to 2 years in jail. All his run-ins with the cops and such have all had something to do with alcohol. At first it didn't occur to me that he may be a problem drinker because I never really saw him drink. We are now living together and I see more now that I didn't see then.

He says he wants to quit and actually do something with his life, and I believe he can, and I try to help him in any way that I can. He's in counselling, and has a good full-time job. He does well for about a week or so then he gets really moody and snaps on me for no reason. Just today he told me that since I had some fast food for dinner he was going out drinking tonight. Its almost like hes trying to blame it on me that he wants to drink. It doesn't help either that all his friends here are into alcohol too (living in a small city most of the people our age do it frequently). Im getting to the point where I just don't know if I can take it anymore. I love the guy to death, but it just brings me down further and further every time he relapses. Im just afraid that if I leave him he's going to go back to the way he was before I met him (drinking for days straight, blacking out, etc). His mother is constantly telling me how much of a difference she sees in him since I came into his life, and I guess I don't want to let her down either. Do I continue to think about ways to help him? Or do I think about me and break up with him (who by the way I believe to be the love of my life) and feel the guilt of it for a long time to come?

I guess what im looking for by posting this is maybe some guidance as to what I could do in my situation. Thanks to all who reads and posts here.
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First Helper vinnyutd6899
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replied December 28th, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
If he abuses you, physically or mentally, leave him, move on, you can do better. I have been with an alchoholic and a drug addict before and even went to the classes on how to live with one, I am married to a man now that does not do drugs and rarely has a drink, and it is soo much better, sure we have our little problems but it is just that we are two different people. Just remember if you are not happy, you are the only one that can change it and he has to want to change himself, you cannot do it for him.
Good luck to you!
Keep us posted!
We are here for you!
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replied January 11th, 2006
Alcoholism
I am a recovering alcoholic, just over 2 years. Aa is the absolute deciding factor in my recovery, but I had to make the decision to do it. I'll never forget looking in that mirror and telling myself it was time. I used to be thankful for that beer after work every day, now I am thankful for each day without a beer, and life has done nothing but continue to improve. Remember, if he is willing, there is a way. And your support could make a lot of differance, many people bring their spoouses along to meetings, and everyone benefits. I wish you all the best and all the happiness you can find through his recovery, it works, gd bless.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift because it is the present.
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replied January 14th, 2006
Experienced User
I need to know how to deal with someone being an alcoholic. I know that addictions counsellors all say that its a disease. To me this just sounds like an excuse. What do I do when my boyfriend spends his paycheck in one night at the bar (and gambling too)? He says he is trying to quit, but goes "crazy" (almost like he h.A.S. To go out and drink when he has some money) when pay day rolls around. I like to think that he's giving it his all, but always end up thinking that he could do better when he gives in. Is there something I can do to help him? He says there isn't. I just feel so helpless. Friends have suggested that we get a joint account where I have all the access to his money, and just give him some when he wants it, so he has money to last him until his next pay day. He got mad at me when I mentioned it, and said that he might as well be a little kid again.

Am I supposed to be understanding about him coming home drunk?
Am I supposed to shrug it off when he snaps at me for no reason?

If it were totally up to me and most of my family, I would just give up... But I can't do that to the guy I k.N.O.W. Im supposed to be with. Any help appreciated.
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replied January 15th, 2006
Wife of An Alcoholic
This is the wife of hartattack00. I want to say if there is hope and help out there,there is a chance. It tolk alot for him to quit drinking. It almost wrecked our marrage. But he inrolled in angermanagement and aa and is still holding on 2 and half years. Everyday is a milestone and a day to rejoice. It really takes the whole family to make it but they have to want it as much as you do or it is a lost cause. Take care and leave panflets all over the house.
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replied January 28th, 2006
doubtful wrote:
i need to know how to deal with someone being an alcoholic. I know that addictions counsellors all say that its a disease. To me this just sounds like an excuse. What do I do when my boyfriend spends his paycheck in one night at the bar (and gambling too)? He says he is trying to quit, but goes "crazy" (almost like he h.A.S. To go out and drink when he has some money) when pay day rolls around. I like to think that he's giving it his all, but always end up thinking that he could do better when he gives in. Is there something I can do to help him? He says there isn't. I just feel so helpless. Friends have suggested that we get a joint account where I have all the access to his money, and just give him some when he wants it, so he has money to last him until his next pay day. He got mad at me when I mentioned it, and said that he might as well be a little kid again.

Am I supposed to be understanding about him coming home drunk?

Am I supposed to shrug it off when he snaps at me for no reason?


If it were totally up to me and most of my family, I would just give up... But I can't do that to the guy I k.N.O.W. Im supposed to be with. Any help appreciated.


when I give up drink some time ago I was on my knees! I had lost everyone in my life I had pushed most away and the rest had had enough!
And I hated each and every one of them with a passion for the way they were treating me, it was always poor me dont u know what I am going threw, but today 32 months down the line I thank my higer power everyday that they did leave me, they left me alone in my flat covered in piss and crap, it was the best thing they could ever of done for me cos I know today all they were doing for me before was enableing me to carry on drinking! It wasent untill there was no one there to clean me up, feed me, make sure I dident fall over, make sure the cooker was off, make sure the front door was closed, make sure I got to bed at night it was only after they had all gone I realized what trouble I was in, it took 6 months of the worst drinking I had ever done to get to the jumping off point, my rock bottom and reach out and ask for help! If all those people that had looked after me for years and enabled me to drink would of stayed around then maybe I would not of stoped drinking when I did! I got most of the people I had pushed away back after a while and today im the happyest I have ever been its not been easy and even today I struggle with life but thats just life everyone has problems it dont mean I have to drink to solve them!! This is just my experience I am sharing with u, take from it what u want and anything u dont want just disregard! Good luck!
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replied February 10th, 2006
Been There
Hi doubtful,

oh it hurts doesn't it? The love of your life is perfect for you in everyway except when he drinks or tries to make excuses for his drinking behavior. I just left my boyfriend of 6 months because of his problem drinking. And yes, the more you nag them the more agitated they will get at you.
Is this problem consuming you? I know it was consuming me. I was bending over backwards to get him to see the light. When I realized that it was causing me tremendous stress and anxiety, especially when we went out together to parties and whatnot, I knew I had to leave the relationship. Beyond that, I found him threatening when he did drink.
It was a painful decision. What will happen if I leave him? I was consumed with guilt. Especially the last time I saw him when his drinking caused him to get into a bad situation where he actually ended up getting jumped and beaten up. It was torture.
I actually read a great book called "codependency no more" by melodie beattie. You should look it up. It actually will give you some great insight. The truth is we have no power to change the person we love. We can only change ourselves. Their decision to stay clean has to come from within. If they change for you, it will just lead to resentment. It takes a lot to for an alcoholic to break down and realize they need help. With my boyfriend, me breaking up with him, and him getting jumped, and some other previous events in his life has finally at least got him to link alcohol to bad things happening to him. It helps me to think maybe I actually helped him by letting him go.
But I know he is just at the beginning stages of recovery. He still doesn't think he is an alcoholic and he still thinks he will be able to quit on his own cold turkey. I just couldn't do it anymore. Anyway, you might want to also seek out alanon for more information as well. And remember you are your first priority, not him.
Best of luck to you.
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replied February 14th, 2006
Experienced User
Thanks for everyones replies. Things have been going alright lately. The last time he drank (and got drunk) was about 4 weeks ago. I let him know that I wasn't sticking with him anymore if this is what was going to happen all the time. He knows that he has a problem, and I guess me saying that I wasn't taking it anymore made something click in his head. He told me that he doesn't want to lose me, and would try and get help. While I know this isn't a for sure thing, its a start, and I have the most confidence in him. He might only have a week left with me, his sentencing (he got into some trouble with the law back in 2004 that also had to do with drinking) is next wednesday. There is the possibility that he could end up in jail for 3 years... We're hoping for the best. Until then we're just going to make the best of what little time we may have left with each other. Once again, thanks for all your replies.
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replied March 13th, 2006
Epileptic, Alcoholic Boyfriend
I'm so glad I found this site. So many of your posts are exactly what i'm going through right now. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months. Not very long, but long enough. I really care about him, really love him, yet he's drinking and smoking his life away. I used to be into drinking. But an almost near-death booze experience scared me into sobriety. I don't chastise him for drinking. I don't do it with my friends either. I'm not holier than thou.

However, he goes to the bar almost every day of the week. I was actually surprised that he wasn't there today. :? A few drinks here and there doesn't hurt. But when he goes out on monday, tuesday, wednesday, maybe skip a day, and then go out on the weekend. . .Uggggh!! It's soooo aggravating!! And I always hear the same thing over and over "i have no desire to drink. I just need to get out of the house." yet I talk to him a few hours later and he's drunk.

The thing that kills me is that he's epileptic. So drinking too much can cause seizures for him. Or it causes anxiety which spawns seizures. And when he drinks he's smokes more which is worsening a cough he's developed. God, I sound like his mother. . .

But it just annoys me. He goes out by himself, drinking. Always drinking. I shouldv'e expected this when we met -- at a bar. But i've changed now. I'm staying sober. And like some of your posts stated, you can't change him. They have to want to change. But it's hard to accept that. And I start to cry when I think about ending it with him. But that's what i'm going to have to do. I love him but i'm worn out.

Thanks for letting me rant.
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replied March 13th, 2006
Experienced User
Artmonkey, welcome.
I was going to answer your post, but you did as good a job of doing that as can be done in your last paragraph.

Take your own advice sugar, and let the things you can’t change go.

We attract what we are. When you were drinking, you attracted him. Now that you are sober, if you let yourself, you will attract a different kind of guy.

At any rate, welcome
richard
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replied March 13th, 2006
Glad to Be Here
Thanks for the welcome richard.

I'm still really torn about breaking up with him. I know I need to do it but he reallly is a great guy. I left a message on his phone last night and will talk to him today. Wish me luck!

Meredith
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replied March 24th, 2006
What to Do?!?
I am so glad I stumbled upon this site. I have a problem thats very similar to the others on this site and I was very glad to realize that I am not alone!

I have a boyfriend of eight months who I believe is an alcoholic. He is not abusive, however he drinks at least 5-6 nights a week, several of those nights he comes home drunk. He has a dwi right now and cannot drive his car. To me it seems that he feels like he has to drink to have a good time, though he denies this to the death.

He has had a rough relationship with his family, which is a terribly long story... But no history of alcoholism. (no abuse either).
When I discuss his drinking with him, he either tells me he enjoys drinking and thats not a problem, or he'll say something like "you knew this was how I was when you started dating me." the issue here is that he is 26 years old and didnt touch booze at all till he was 21. He had a rough breakup a while back that started some very heavy drinking, and to his credit, he has gotten much better since then....However, to me its still a problem.

He claims I only have the problem with his drinking because I dont drink often (maybe 2-3 times a month) and that my parents never drank, so basically saying that im just a prude. I dont think thats quite the case.

My question to all of you is that how can you help someone who is in denial? He loves me very much, and has expressed that every day for the last eight months. I love him very much as well, and I can see myself marrying him in the near future, except for this problem. I cannot put myself in the situation where I will marry someone who has a problem like this. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but I grew up in a verbally abusive household and I do not want my children to be exposed to alcoholism.

He's a very smart man who I love so much, and I want things to work out for us, but this is the one issue we are butting heads on. He (of course) denies any problem and thinks nothings wrong. Part of me wants to believe him and think that maybe once we get married and have kids that he will stop drinking like this (because he says he only does it cause he doesnt have those responsibilities) but the other part screams that im going to fall sucker for that, and marry him and be stuck! I dont know what I should do. I will do anything to help him if I can, but I know he has to want to change. My question is, should I stick with this man that I love so much and try to make things work....Or should I get out now, before its too late?? Help!!!
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replied March 24th, 2006
So Similar. . .
Hi, reauxmarie (did I get your screenname right?),

you and I are in such a similar situation. It's almost surreal as to how similar. I've been dating my boyfriend for six months. And though the last post I wrote mentioned I was going to break up with him, I couldn't. I love him too much and he's too good of a guy.

But yeah, my boyfriend is in denial too. After talking to him one night (i bawled and bawled) I just sort of became numb. I realized that maybe he didn't have a problem. He was only having one or two drinks a night, right?

Turns out he was drinking way more than that. Just last night he went to the bar (alone, as always) and came to my place pretty drunk. I could just smell the booze on him. This usually wouldn't worry me so much except he's epileptic and drinking in the past has caused many seizures for him. That was the one thing I was trying to argue with him "don't drink, it'll cause seizures." but in the month that he just started going to the bars, he hadn't had a seizure. Until the other morning. And then, there's last night.

Last night was almost a nightmare. I wanted him to spend the night, so he came over. Unfortunately I just have a twin bed but we'd both doze off. Then i'd feel him shaking. He had three seizures in his sleep. Three!! Then the worst thing happened this morning around 9:00. He had a grand mal seizure. I've never seen anything like it. I thought he was going to die. The image just won't get out of my head.

He blames the anti-epileptic medicine and the little sleep. I blame that and the drinking. . .Yet, he's still in denial about that.

This is an aggravating battle. I've told him I love him and want to help him, but it never seems to sink in. Maybe, just maybe, it will this time.

Have strength, marie. That's all I can say to you.

Meredith
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replied March 26th, 2006
Thank you meredith. It helps to know that you're not alone in this. Recovery is not only difficult for the addict, but those around him as well. I wish you strength and happiness in your journey!
God bless- rose
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replied March 30th, 2006
Hi there, im a recovering alcoholic. I tried everything to stop drinking, seeing dr's counsellers, taking meds, you name it I tried it. I do not know how my partner put up with all the crap that went with it. I was never violent towards her, just unreliable and untrustworthy. There is help out there, if your boyfriend wants help that is. Until I wanted to stop- I did not stop, people have been telling me I am an alcoholic since I was a teen but I just thought they were boring. I went to a.A and that sorted my problem and I have not had a drink in nearly two years. I am going back to uni this sept and plan on getting married. It is up to you how you run your life, but willingness is the key, if your fella is willing, there is hope.
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replied May 23rd, 2006
Experienced User
Re: Alcoholic Boyfriend
doubtful wrote:
i've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. While first getting to know him he told me that he had been in some trouble with the law in the past and had spent some time in jail. I saw past this and eventually fell in love with him. Since then he has once again gotten in trouble with the law and faces up to 2 years in jail. All his run-ins with the cops and such have all had something to do with alcohol. At first it didn't occur to me that he may be a problem drinker because I never really saw him drink. We are now living together and I see more now that I didn't see then.

He says he wants to quit and actually do something with his life, and I believe he can, and I try to help him in any way that I can. He's in counselling, and has a good full-time job. He does well for about a week or so then he gets really moody and snaps on me for no reason. Just today he told me that since I had some fast food for dinner he was going out drinking tonight. Its almost like hes trying to blame it on me that he wants to drink. It doesn't help either that all his friends here are into alcohol too (living in a small city most of the people our age do it frequently). Im getting to the point where I just don't know if I can take it anymore. I love the guy to death, but it just brings me down further and further every time he relapses. Im just afraid that if I leave him he's going to go back to the way he was before I met him (drinking for days straight, blacking out, etc). His mother is constantly telling me how much of a difference she sees in him since I came into his life, and I guess I don't want to let her down either. Do I continue to think about ways to help him? Or do I think about me and break up with him (who by the way I believe to be the love of my life) and feel the guilt of it for a long time to come?


I guess what im looking for by posting this is maybe some guidance as to what I could do in my situation. Thanks to all who reads and posts here.



this doesn't sound good at all. First off it sounds as if your getting mentally abused. If he is already blaming you for things then whats next? Physical abuse will eventually happen if he is already making you feel down about yourself. He is causing you to have low self esteem. Thats not good.

You said he was having mood swings too, well he could have a really bad mood swing one day and hurt you really bad. It sounds like this guy could be dangerous.

I know you said you love him, and the best thing I could tell you is to try and sit him down and talk with him. And try to explain it to him, that you are concerned and worried about his drinking. Offer to get help aa meetings, rehab anything.

And as for his mother maybe you need to speak with her and let her know you are worried and explain how he is acting. Don't blame yourself for his actions. No one can make another person's decissions. You said he has been in jail before, and it seems like to me he hasn't learned from his mistakes. But do not blame yourself, think of all the positive things in your relationship that you two have accomplished together. :)

good luck and I hope everything works out.
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replied February 11th, 2007
These situations sound so familiar to my life. So to anyone in a similar situation, I hope you have better luck than I. I could not stay any longer and saw the life long implications it could hold for me. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get rid of the anger that I have inside towards alcohol and drinking, please respond. I truly love him, but was fearful of the future and couldn't stay any longer.
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replied March 5th, 2007
Alcoholic Boyfriend
It sounds like I am in the same boat as many of you. I have known my friend for over 7 years. We had a brief relationship 4 years ago and he broke it off. I am divorced he is almost. I saw him in December and realized he was in bad shape. Then he called and said he was quitting, going to AA and all that. We started meeting in neutral places for something to eat, talked on the phone daily and went dancing 3 times. We have a lot in common, mostly our music. This past week, he was released from a job for what I now think were not true reasons. We met in a neutral place on Saturday. I just got into his car to drive a block to a restaurant and the police showed up. I asked if he had been drinking and he said no. Well, the field sobriety test showed other wise. He also told me he didn't have the results of the breathilizer test but tonight he told me what his level was-.159, legal is under .8. He was 3 weeks short of the end of his probation from first DUI. He is the perfect person for me I thought-so much in common, great communication on everything but the drinking. I suspected he had started up again-I have a good nose on me but didn't want to believe it. I wanted him to succeed this time and he told me he was doing great on the anti craving meds but in reality he had days where he didn't take the pill on purpose. I don't want to stop seeing him but for me I have to. I see a real change in him from the person I knew 7 years ago-he now repeats himself, tells me things he told me the day before. He is looking for ways out of his arrest and has a good attorney. It is always someone else fault he gets released from jobs as a free lance musicina but things are piling up and if it were me I would be terribly upset. Seven years ago he was drinking then too, but not as heavily. He has lost one job and now will lose his license for a longer period of time and go to jail. I told him I don't know how I can ever trust him again. I know he won't tell me the whole truth. But just the fact that he was going to drive me in his car while he was almost twice the legal limit was a scarey thing, a real wake up call for me, even if it was one block. I took him home from the police station and noticed a martini shaker in his kitchen. He told me he had no alcohol in his house but ....... I hate to not see him again but he needs to go into in house treatment. I have been putting my feelings on hold for him just in case. I couldn't fall in love with him again with all this uncertainty. I don't want to drop him in his hour of need but it isn't fair to me. My x was a heavy beer drinker and I don't want to do it again but I hate to abandon him but I can't make a difference. What do you think out there?
C
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replied March 9th, 2007
Take Care of Yourself
I have been where most of you have been, and I left, I also left the friendship that I promised him after we "broke up." Even a friendship was enabling him to continue the lying and drinking. The lying will never stop until the drinking stops. I was sick of everyday excuses he used to drink, most of which were "lies." I was tired of the blame. I was tired of thinking I could ever change him, that I could help him see the truth and realize that he is a worthy person who can do this, I couldn't convince him, I still can't so I had to leave. He has to do it on his own, completely on his own now, otherwise he won't do it. It is a harsh thing to do to leave him, but it was killing me....Physically, emotionally and spritually. I was like all of you, "he's the love of my life," except for when he drinks. Well the drinking is EVERYTHING, not just a small slight problem in the relationship. I couldn't stop him from drinking when we were together, and I still can't. I accept that now. I can't let myself get hurt anymore. Don't let it hurt you, take care of yourself!!!!!!!
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replied March 14th, 2007
Experienced User
doubtful wrote:
I need to know how to deal with someone being an alcoholic. I know that addictions counsellors all say that its a disease. To me this just sounds like an excuse. What do I do when my boyfriend spends his paycheck in one night at the bar (and gambling too)? He says he is trying to quit, but goes "crazy" (almost like he h.A.S. To go out and drink when he has some money) when pay day rolls around. I like to think that he's giving it his all, but always end up thinking that he could do better when he gives in. Is there something I can do to help him? He says there isn't. I just feel so helpless. Friends have suggested that we get a joint account where I have all the access to his money, and just give him some when he wants it, so he has money to last him until his next pay day. He got mad at me when I mentioned it, and said that he might as well be a little kid again.

Am I supposed to be understanding about him coming home drunk?

Am I supposed to shrug it off when he snaps at me for no reason?


If it were totally up to me and most of my family, I would just give up... But I can't do that to the guy I k.N.O.W. Im supposed to be with. Any help appreciated.


You say he's in therapy right? Insist that you be able to come with him for a session or more...explain to him what you're feeling, ask the therapist for some help for both of you. If you love this guy, then help him. Before it's too late.
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