Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

Well, It's Almost Check Out Time.

Although I have come to the realization of what it is that I must do, I have had to postpone the planned events until after the holidays are over. Only out of respect for the feelings of the two youngest children do I wait. ( the two oldest, in all likelihood, could care less - they probably hate my guts anyway!)



when I go, my apartment will be spotless, all of my assets will be arranged so as to be readily available. In prepairing for the eventual divorice, I had taken the steps to hide what assets I could. I emptied the "busness" account. Here I set looking at $40,000 in one hundred dollar bills. She does'nt really deserve any of it, I wonder what 40 grand would look like going up in smoke after I put a match to it? Well I would'nt do that anyway....Well most likley not....One could argue that she might deserve the money in exchange for putting up with me.



Found "the practical guide to suicide"on line to be of value, especially in dealing with the mental aspects of prepairing for one's demise. Now I know why when I attempted this before (never told anyone) by means of vehicle exhaust, I failed.



I also know why at about the same time, when I ate a bottle of perscription barbituates and washed them down with a quart of beer, it did'nt work. (nobody knew about that either ). I cannot begin to tell you what a terrible feeling it was to wake up the next morning. I guess you know when you are a total falure when you can not even commit suicide correctly.

Anyway, that was about 20 years ago....Mid '80s perhaps

you see, everything and everybody would have been much better off has I succeeded at that time.



Almost throught all of my life I knew that I was'nt "right". I had promised that if I ever got married that I would not have any children, that I would take my screwed-up genes to the grave with me rather than pass them on to another generation. Boy did I ever !**@! that up! Shure enough the kids really seem to have more than there share of problems. May god forgive me for that.



When all is said and done, everything will seem to be a terrible accident- no stigma, no shame.



I can't begin to sort out just what has brought me to this point. In some way I wish that I could. Marital situation had been declining for some time. I had thought of leaving, but did'nt want to be a "quitter". Then one day, my wife told me to leave. That was somewhat of a relief, as the almost unberable tension was lifted,but also was a defeat. An extreme debiliting defeat. That was two years ago. I had tried really hard to make the changes that she wanted me to. At first I had hoped in some way to get back together, but as time wore on and she yelled and berated me when I had to work overtime and chastied me about my "values' ,or in some way fell short of her ideals, I slowly came to realize that it was over. ( the part of her scolding and putting work above family is only my take on the situation and may or may not be correct,) the breaking point in our relationship was an arrest for something increadibly stupid! Of course being intoxicated at the time was no help. ( no it was'nt a dui, although I did manage to get one of those several years earlier.) when the counseleor that I (or we, I don't remember) was seeing told me that things could never be the same again, I did'nt understand that. I suppose in some way I still don't.



Anyway, it seems that my responsiblity during the past two years was to supervise the children on saturdays while my wife was at work. None of them ever did anything that I told them. The two oldest only responded with smart ass answers and insolent stares. My other "responsiblity" was to take the youngest on friday nights and return him on sunday evening. He is on the fast track to nowhere. At age 9 he has run away several times, bringing the police to both my door as well as my wife's. Suspended from school numerous times: yells at his mother "shut up you b***h" ; ect. And generally is lucky if he gets as high as a "d" on his report card. (remember the screwed-up defective genes)
as far as I can tell, perhaps she dose'nt want to be bothered with either one of us.



A few weeks ago, I had to work on the weekend. Told my wife that- screamed and yelled about my "priorties".



Brought little billy home at 4:00 am saturday morning. My wife"s van was not in the driveway. Oh man, for some reason that really hurt. Tried to overlook it but it continued to eat at me so I finally mentioned something to my wife about it. Her reply was " I did'nt know I had a curfew." a week or two later my wife called to ask when I was bringing
billy home. I told her at about 4:30 as I usually do. She told me that we were not going to have "family dinner" that evening. ( if I try to get out of having " family dinner' I am again berated about my "values".)
to show you how stupid I am, when she said that she was buisy and time had gotten away from her and she was just going to send out for pizza, I was going to offer to go and pick it up, but she continued talking and I could not get any words in. Oh well, I thought, at least I don't have to pay for it. God, am I stupid. We pulled up to the curb, ( I have never parked in the driveway since she was out that night). Billy saved my ass. You see I was to stupid to realize. Billy said oh, he's here ( another car parked at the curb- I thought somewone was visiting the next door neighbors). Billy said that when he comes , he and mommy go out.



I felt my stomach drop right through the floorboards of my truck.



I stayed to supervise the children in cleaning off the table, and getting it ready for dinner. (don't ask me why, god I am so stupid!)


this is getting to be quite a rambeling discourse, isn't it!




When I got home, I did something that I have not done in years....I drank until I passed out. I know that might not have been the best thing to do but it was the only way I knew to deal with it at that time. At least I wasn't able to feel the pain and total emptyness while unconscious.


While I realize that our marrage exists in the legal defination only, I have to admit that the feeling of betrayal that I felt was, in some way, more than I could bear.



Perhaps a week or two later my wife asked me what was wrong....I replied "nothing" she said that she knew better, and asked again what was wrong.....Again I replied "nothing" she then asked if it was because she was " going out"......No I replied, but then I thought that I may as well admit it. She said she was sorry (several times) and then went on to say that she was only human....A delecate was of putting it I suppose !




Many, many years ago, I promised my self that I would never cry again. Nobody!!!!~!~ would ever be able to force a tear from me!!!~
certainly, that would be an easy promice to keep, for how could there be any tears left?



Well, needless to say, I started balwing right there in the driveway. Boy how I hated that !

So as the days went on I continued to ask myself why was I so upset?



Was it that she was having sex and I haven't in four years or so? No I didnt think that was it , haven't had any interest in it , did'nt really miss it come to think of it.



Was it that I was living in an apartment with no heat, eating rice and beans, while I contnued to pay all of the bills...Mortgage....Electric....Car insurance.....Water.....Trash collection....Cable t.V. ( I dont even have a t.V.) .......Doctors bills...Kid's extracurricular school activities...Ect?



No, I didnt think that was it either....It would seem as if that was my decision ( out of a sence of duty I suppose) although I will admit....Well all of my mail goes to the old address....Never did change it over when I left, first out of a hope that I would return...Later when I knew that would not happen, out of complacency,i guess I just never did...Anyway (as I ramble on)..I usually check the mail when I get off of work ( I pick billy up after work and take him to my place where it is quiet, with no distractions and help him with his homework). In the mail was a telephone bill. I did'nt take it with me as I usually would have. The next day which was my wife's day off, she handed me "my" mail....And in with it was the telephone bill from the day before. Go figure.




Okay, you ask, what does all of this possibily have to do with me going ahead and murdering my self?
Perhars this was just the proviberial "straw".



What I do know, is that for a few years, I had what I thought that I would never have.



I had a really hard time growing up and all of my life I had the feeling of "being on the outside looking in". If you don't understand that that's o.K. It's the best way that I can explain it.



Then all of a sudden I had what everybody else had!! My god, a (fairly ) attractive woman who wanted me....Who liked me, who wanted to be with me and I had to go and louse it all up through my stupidity!



I ruined it all and I hate myself for it! Now I know that I am a falure as a father and as a husband.....What else matters!
It was as is fate had given me a taste of what it is like to be "normal" and than proved to me again that I am not.



I thought that could always look to work for satisfaction, for after being fired from every job that I had I finally found somewhere where I managed to "fit in" ( I can't really explain it any better). Working for the same company in the highlt volatile; highly cyclical construction industry for eleven years was something that I felt somewhat good about. I have a reputation for generally bringing the jobs in ahaed of schedule and under buget. Then one day another foreman asked me why I push it so hard? Then he mentioned two other foreman of ours who fell over dead on the job (heart attacks) and said...."they all get finished in the end.....Weather you're here or not it will still get finished....They all do.... So much for my value at work!



I guess I can't really explain any of this satisfactorily. Not to you, not really to myself. The emptyness and worthlessness that haunts me through my tortured dreams....Dreams that have turned into nightmares, back on the outside looking in, but only knowing what it was like ot be on the "inside" for a few short years before I ruined it all.....God how I hate myself for that....As if I had "normalicy" revealed to me to experience it and the have it ripped away, replaced by falure ;emptyness; worthlessness; a loser again, back on the outside.



I know what you are going to tell me......"go out and help someone else".....Get some exercise......Ect. Ect. Ect. Well just go and shove it!



Don't want to seem melodramatic about this but I can't convay the feelings of my earlier years..... The five years in the penetenatary....The meanness (?) that I both experianced growing up and later dished out.... The years of emptyness and hurt ....The beatings; the isolation; the (self-fuilling?) worthlessness that I experienced growing up...Now that I have failed again in the ultimate calling of life.......Well I can't give words to my true feelings.....The true pain....... I can't fill the emptyness, but I can stop the endless pain that I have (and will) continue to feel...Just have to end the pain the hurt just have to end it.

Tomorrow will be christmas.....Somewhere along the way I will force myself to shower,shave and change my clothes.....Which I haven't managed to do for a week......Or is it a week and a half....(does it even matter?)

while I am forcing myself to do things....I'll act as happy as I can.....And mabye if everybody is lucky, I won't cry.


Last edited by no one on December 24th, 2005 10:58 PM; edited 3 times in total
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replied December 24th, 2005
Dont Do This!
Please consider how this will only mess your kids up more..Think how every christmas they will have to live with the fact there dad hated his life so much he took his life !!!! Why now? You know I took an over dose once and I had my stomach pumped with charcoal but that was a wake up call.............Its sounds like you have had a hard life but thats not enough to give up!!!! Some people are dying right now and want to live and you want to throw it away just like that.Not thinking about how this will affect people for the rest of there life!

I cant talk you out of it and like you said screw us! But we are not going to say do it but course thats your choice hell I cant stop you but I hope you can look in the mirror and realize how by walking away.Giving up killing yourself isnt a brave thing its the easiest choice ...To stay and live is harder and takes affort and you either will or wont!!

I have depression and know how life can be hard sometimes trust me but I am not giving up I wont hurt myself and the people who love me you may not think your not loved but people dont always show there love and trust me your kids will hate themselves for the rest of there life if you take your life...........Move on change your life only you can do it ! You have to want it and its not !**@! easy but you have to try............

Dont take the easy way out!!!!

I am sad to think of somebody on christmas eve feeling like you given...Up.Let me tell you a friend of mine was mollested raped by her own dad all her life and she recently came out and told people she had to live with a nightmare and will forever but she choose to take life and make it something good !!! You can too!!!

crap happens to us all in life its how you deal with it that counts get help go to a dr talk to somebody but killing yourself is not the answer its really not..........But if you choose too think of me too some total stranger who cared enough on christmas eve to write to you!!

Whatever you decide may you rest well with that choice.......

I wont say god bless cause I dont believe in all that stuff but maybe right now I hope an angel in some form is with you and help you.......

Follow your heart ...........

Oh and happy chrsitmas ......

Concerned stranger
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replied December 24th, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
I am a christain I do believe in miracles, and you my friend are in a place for a big miracle

if you are brave enough to end it all and meet your maker immediately, please consider calling on .Him before you meet him there.

If you ask ".God show me a better way, a happier life, a way out of this horror I feel is my life" "show me you exist and you can and will help me with this"
"i am asking .God as my last resort" "you know my thoughts you know my disappointments, you know my heartache, help me now I pray"

please say these words out loud to .Him .He will be there--i know this is true.



I only ask one thing of you---can you please try this, on christmas eve, for your children, and for yourself. Please. And by the way I read every single word---



god loves you my dear sir, and .He will help you, just have enough courage to believe.



God bless you--i send .His power to that room where you are right now--in .Jesus name I pray
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replied December 24th, 2005
Remember, I said that I would wait until after the holidays

thsi is not a "woe is me pity party, but rather a well thought out rational plan

for whatever reason I just felt a nee to vent, not that any bad feelings were"purged or anything.........

P. S. God hates me anyway
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replied December 24th, 2005
Remember, I said that I would wait until after the holidays

thsi is not a "woe is me pity party, but rather a well thought out rational plan

for whatever reason I just felt a nee to vent, not that any bad feelings were"purged or anything.........

P. S. God hates me anyway
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replied December 24th, 2005
Experienced User
Wow I just sat and read your first initial post. I had to hug myself at one stage; you've had a very challenging life. And in a way I have seen the life you are currently living in someone elses eyes. I see it in a lot of peoples eyes. In fact, I think our life is like eastenders(t.V prog). Except for the pub bit and peggy mitchell chucking you out of her pub!

I know your not writing on this post for pity, as you said so yourself. I personally read it, thinking 'this man is getting something heavy of his chest', and good for you. You have so much that is not necessarily mucked up, but challenging and complicated. 'life' as I call it.
It's not like the classic hollywood films where everyone rides off in love and ric into the sunset as you have found out; it's more gritty, more realistic, more trashy, more....Human.


But how can you imagine ending you life, in a way that you so easily typed? Think about the aftermath; wherever you choose to end yourself, someone who hardly knows you and people that do (your family) will have to collect, identify, sort out plans, cry many tears, and i'm sorry my friend, depsite what you say about your wife and kids, I believe that they would cry for you, and you know it. Even people life the police and forensics shed tears for people that feel that their lives just can't go on. Even I shed tears for people that I hear just leave without realising their potential. Can you think of someone picking you up off the floor and looking down on you; empty, lonely, cold? It actually sends a pain in me; cause for a split second I imagine someone I know doing that. It makes me feel utterly sick.

Touch your chest now; inside your heart is still beating, which means you must go on. It's not slowing down, it's not skipping a beat, it's still going. Your mind, boy and soul have said altogether that they will not cease.
You are no doubt more stronger than you realise. You could crush a problem with one finger, because you've felt pain. You can use that; use it to help others, to help yourself.
Heck, look at where you are; your paying off responsibilities, juggling your family, depsite what they say or do. And ok you feel you tripped in life. But the onlty reason we fall in life is so we can pick oursleves back up again.


I think everyone deep down wants to say enough, switch off this game we call 'life' and walk away from it. But if we did, then whats the point of that game being there at all?

Look u, close your eyes, forget about your plan to end yourself, and force a smile. Shout 'f**k it all! You guys aren't dragging me down just yet!'

i don't know you and you don't know me; but I know you have more strength in you than you realise.

Take care (and may you pass through this holiday with a smile on your face and a little warmth in your heart;.................................... ............... If I knew you i'd send a gift)
xx
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replied December 24th, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
no one wrote:
remember, I said that I would wait until after the holidays

thsi is not a "woe is me pity party,


p. S. God hates me anyway



remember, I said that I would wait until after the holidays
yes I do remember and recollected while writing.



This is not a "woe is me pity party,
yes I do know that you believe that you are being rational and have it all planned out. Doesnt mean it is the call or destiny .God has planned for you.


God hates me anyway
and this is the biggest lie of all. If god was finished with you, if he had turned his back on you forever, if your soul was forever lost----you would be dead, cuz .God does not waste any time or effort on the unredeemable soul.
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replied December 24th, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
I too have been thru some bad marriages, I would not give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't hurt your son, he needs you! Their are probably others that do to. Yes the holidays are upon us the highest rate of depression and suicide and theft, it is just telling you that you will meet someone that will treat you like you should be treated, it takes time and you could meet someone today or tomorrow. Don't listen to negative things go for the positive things in life. Look at what you have instead of what you do not have and seek help. You are better than this and you know it. In life we must get over hurdles and sometimes it feels like mountains and sometimes we need some help and their is nothing to be ashamed of. Your son could blame himself, if you did commit suicide, you do not want that to happen.
Peace,
sandy
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replied December 27th, 2005
I'm new to this. Was afraid to join. Saw your post. Wow! I understand completely.

What I think is really amazing is that you have the energy to get all of your things in order.

I have no energy at all. You seem like you can really get things together. Maybe you can help us all get organized. Not to croak, but maybe to do something, anything. Well, that's all I wanted to say. I could use some organization in my life.

Hope this wasn't too stupid. I don't know how to do these things really.
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replied December 28th, 2005
Oh My Gawd
No one,


i was blown away by what I just read. I just couldnt believe that someone could put feelings and thoughts down in such a poetic way. I have the hardest time getting whats in my mind out and you just said everything that i've wanted to say. Exception of the bill's part.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words that I can read
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replied December 29th, 2005
Dear Noone
Well are you still alive.........Was thinking of you today and wondering if your ok? Guess you might be already gone ? If so I am truly sorry that these peoples words and thoughts and there time to give a crap didnt matter to you to make you change your thoughts?

Wherever you are whatever you do may you feel calm and safe?

And I hope you write back and say I am ok !! I really do!

Time will tell

oh and happy new year for sunday! A new start!

Take care all!

Concerned stranger
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replied January 16th, 2006
No One?
Are you still around? Or did you go through with your check out?

I hope you didnt do it? I hope right now your someplace moving forward and hanging on?

I think how sad it is ifyour gone!!! Your a stranger but I think you wanted people to talk too...........Maybe your are ok? If you are let me know!

Concerned stranger!
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replied April 3rd, 2006
Hi
Hi there

it's now april 3rd 2006. I wanted to know if you're ok and well could you please give an update..

Some hope

sadie
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replied February 19th, 2013
Please tell me you're still alive. Please. This is breaking my heart, please don't be dead. Please don't be dead.
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