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How to Get Over His Past? Advice Please

Please bear with me, and give your advice:

my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. He is wonderful....Considerate, kind, understanding, communicative...The only problem I have with him is really all in my head. It all started when we had the "how many people have you slept with?" conversation that we had at the beginning of our relationship. Counting him I had 2, and counting me he had 8. Now at first this really didn't bother me. I put it aside and rationalized it as "that's really not that many, and besides it's all in the past now." I truly thought I was ok with it. Then, a few months later I saw some pictures of him with his ex, and that totally set me off into the downward spiral i've been in. I find myself being mad at him for having been with so many more people than me, and feel less special to him since he's been with 7 others. I know that this is an insecurity issue on my part. My boyfriend never has, and I don't believe he ever will, cheat on me....But part of me is always insecure because of his past. I find myself thinking about it a ridiculous number of times a day, and I try to repress it. Somehow it will always come back to me....I'll either have some horrible nightmare about him with one of those girls, someone we're hanging out with will mention his ex, or (and this only happened once last week) his ex will call him out of the blue to tell him she's back in town (they sort of had a messy and bitter break up and haven't talked in a really long time. He says he doesn't want anything to do with her, but I still find myself insecure and jealous).

Anyway, all of this backstory has a point: I suppressed and kept these feelings to myself for a while, but a month or so ago found that I couldn't hold it back anymore.
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replied December 27th, 2005
Experienced User
Hey, that is a hard thing to deal with. I think it's a problem that all us ladies have. We don't want anyone touching our man && dislike all the ex's for touching him. Anyways, it's something you're going to have to deal with even though it may be hard. Have you talked to him about your feelings?? I'm sure he would comfort you && let you know that nothing else is going on & that it is in the past. If you love him, then remember that happened before you got together with him. This is now and you're the one in his life, not the other chicks! Hope this helped!
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replied January 1st, 2006
Experienced User
Darl pretty much everything you just wrote is like the story of my life! Trust me I know exactly how you feel a few things are a little bit diff though like since we've been together(almost 2 years) he's had 3 ex's ring him and 2 of em wanted to get back with him I dont mind one of them though but there is one that always seems to ring at a real bad time and sayin she wants to see him now this girl is good looking she's a model she's pretty much perfect and im far from that, but technically she isn't even an ex they didnt exactly date so you can guess what they did in there time's together, check your pm's
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replied January 12th, 2006
Not to sound like a broken record but I understand what you're saying. When the subject came up with my boyfriend and i, he couldn't even give me a number of how many girls he slept with. He said "i didn't keep count" which made me feel as though he slept with so many he couldn't remember.

I can admit i'm insecure, but that really set it off. He knows it makes me uncomfortable so he tries not to say anything. Although sometimes he'll slip. He says it's just his past and i'm his future. It still bothers me though and I don't know how to get over it. I just try my best to ignore it.
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replied April 3rd, 2006
Experienced User
I am having this problem with my girlfriend. Im 28 and shes 26. I was a virgin up until I met her a few months ago and we had the dreaded talk earlier than I wanted to and I told her I was a virgin and she told me she had slept with other people. We never got down to numbers because I know that would crush me even more than I already am. Yesterday we were on that topic again and she said that none of the the other people mattered and that im special but then she went on to say that because she was an athlete in college she was sought after and it was cool to have hot guys want her. She said she was picky about who she dated but not who she hooked up with. She wanted to tell me all this because she didnt want me to have the wrong impression that she was some "angel", but now I cant shake the idea that shes a slut. She isnt giving me details as I dont want to hear them, but not knowing makes me think she was a real slut. I didnt want to hear numbers because it would make me feel even worse. Anyone have any advice for me? I love her and we have a great time together but I cant shake this and its making me miserable. The idea of her having sex with other people and the fact that her and her friends are so non-chalant about "hooking up" makes me want to vomit. It also makes me regret my past and the fact that I had no confidence in myself and wound up never having sex until now and only hooked up with like 3 people. Sometimes im ok with this, but sometimes I hurts so bad I think about killing myself even though I would never really do it. She feels really bad that this bothers me so much and asks me if theres anything she can do that will make me feel better, but theres nothing that I can think of.

Any words of advice or should I take a flying leap off the empire state building so I can stop having to think about this?

Ignorance is bliss and I despise the fact that girls always need to know your past. Whenever I hooked up with anyone for the first time, they always asked me about my past afterwards and id stupidly tell them I was a virgin or didnt hook up a lot and guess what? They wouldnt have sex with me even though we would have somewhat of a relationship.

Its like you cant get a job without experience and you cant get experience without a job.

I really hate my life sometimes.
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replied April 5th, 2006
Experienced User
Hey I get the same way with anyone I have been in a realtionship with but now I have learnt to totally avoid that subject. I really don`t want to know anymore it just causes heartache for all involved. It`s hard when that little voice in your brain is telling you otherwise.

I really wouldn`t get to the point of feeling suicidal as you must remember these people are exes for a reason and theyy are now with you for a reason. Hopefully because they love you.All they types of topics make me really insecure about myself so I try to avoid them although my new man has told me his ex was a model so that fills me with insecurity. But the flip side to that was she may have been a model but she sounded like a complete psychopath!

So i`m not so bad after all
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replied April 10th, 2006
I lost my virginity at 15 to a girl I had known my entire life. Since then I have been with quite a few sexual partners. Altogether, probably about 15. I played it safe, used protection, checked myself to the clinic once a year, and have always been clean of std's.

My girlfriend, lost her virginity 2 years ago, and has been with 2 guys and myself.

She is very insecure about the fact that I have had *way* more experience than her, but honestly...Those guys she slept with, probably gets to me just as much as mine get to her.

It's not a topic we get onto very often, cause she starts to feel bad about it. But numbers really mean nothing. Provided you're both clean, and playing it safe, and genuinely care for one another, don't let numbers get between you.

The days of chastity are almost dead, and where I come from, virginity means "not pregnant yet". Luckily I had an open minded mother who made sure I was well informed and smart about sex.

If it truly affects you, the best medicine is conversation. But remember, you can't change who your partners *were* and to beat yourself up over a time in their life when you weren't part of it, is not healthy for your relationship.
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replied May 18th, 2006
Wow i'm the exact opposite of you my girlfriend has slept with 15 guys and i've only slept with her and it's ripping me apart that she has slept with so many guys. She doesn't think its a high number because her girlfriends all have higher numbers. In the five months before I met her she had slept with five guys in that time. I got to stop typing i'm pissing myself off too much
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replied May 24th, 2006
Experienced User
Let go of the past or you will not have a future
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replied August 19th, 2009
It is simple people. Don't bother getting involved with someone if their past promiscuity effects you.

There is a reason it does. It is not just jealously nor insecurity that drives you mad. Who wants to be with someone that has been around the block twice? Who can easily give the most special gift of making love to a stranger so easily? Do you ever hear someone say, "If only I could find a guy that has slept with 30 women or more?

Promiscuity is a reflection of their moral view on sex, which was not taken as seriously as you would have liked or taken yourself.

So why bother? Being disappointed in your partners past never goes away away nor gets better. It just eats you away, so move on and find someone who shares your beliefs about sex.

For those that deal with the subject by ignoring the subject, not asking or bringing it up... they know the answer and are too weak and afraid to deal with the truth.
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replied September 22nd, 2009
Experienced User
Deiyuo said it all, I totally agree. I'm not saying go out there and find a virgin, but if your partner's sexual history is driving you insane, then it's really not worth being with them because you're always going to have those thoughts in the back of your mind that they've been with so many people.
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replied April 23rd, 2010
getting over your significat others past relationships
I have been having the same problem, I dwell on the past and find myself thinking about it, when I shouldnt. Sometimes its really bad and I get mental images that get me really inraged. What I have been learning is that communication is key. Part of communicating is being open with eachother about the past. I havent had "the talk" about his exes yet but I find that we really need to. To know why something had ended and to know that there is absolutly nothing to worry about. I dont think he would ever cheat on me, not even a question in my mind. I think that by being open with eachother about past relationships will help you move on. When you know there is nothing else more to know about it and you know the outcome and there are no more questions about what had happened with your significant other and their ex. I had a small conversation with my significant other and at the time of being with one of those exs you may think that they are the one.. until you find the one you will continue to think that. Trust me when you find "the one" you will just know. I know that sounds cliche(sorry on spelling) but you will just know. You click in ways you have never clicked with someone else. My boyfriend put it as.. he would jump in front of a moving bus for me..but for his past relationships if he thought about it he would say umm no I would never jump infront of a moving bus for this person..simply because he didnt care; thats how he put it. I know how all of you are feeling infact I still feel that way, over the last couple days I have done some serious thinking and looked at some articles online, and realized that it is healthier to have those conversations that you dont really want to have. It will give you a piece of mind and wont haunt you as much because at that point..what is to haunt you.. and if it does than maybe that person is not the right person for you. Some of the articles I have read were found on yahoo just as you go to the first page. Some are based on the conversations that are made between couples that have been together for a long time and are very happy. I found those articles helpful and have made me look at things in a different way..

anyway I will stop writing a long paragraph about how I feel about this, I hope you find this a little helpful.

And I know alot of people say this, but I am the biggest offender of this topic, I sometimes feel that I am sick in the head because of the things that I think of. But if I can do it.. trust me so can you!

remember life is about being happy.. dont waste your life with someone that you have thoughts about on a daily basis, it is not healthy for you, you just bottle it up inside and it drives you crazy when your significant other has no idea what is going on because you are not communicating!

**Cummunication is key, if you dont let them talk about things they will feel restricted on what they can talk to you about!***

I used to hate even if he mentioned something that happened while he was with an ex.. it was bad Sad
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replied April 23rd, 2010
Experienced User
fyi..old old post Smile
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replied April 29th, 2010
Hey there,

You already know the reason why you're behaving this way -- You have some insecurity issues that need to be dealt with. Don't let them get the better of you, and don't let your insecurities ruin a good relationship that you have going.

What you need to do now is this: Tell yourself, everytime you start getting those nightmares, that this is a case of "Mind over matter". Tell yourself that you are not going to let your irrational thoughts take over you. Tell yourself that you have the POWER to overcome such negative thoughts, because they are not true, and they will never be true.

Let love overcome your insecurities. You've got a great relationship, don't ruin in.
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replied July 21st, 2010
Hi, first off; never should a topic like that be discussed, at least as quick as it did.

Secondly, the reason you didn't mind at first is b/c you were "infatuated" or "in lust." Those two emotions will block every red flag saying to stop!

Finally, I suppose that there may be some insecurity present. If you know he'll never cheat and you're secure in the fact he loves "you", there really isn't a whole lot to concern yourself with. As StarYum stated, it's all a matter of the mind. If it doesn't matter, then you won't mind. Mind over matter.
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replied January 31st, 2011
omg thats happened to me, my boyfriend who iv been with for nearly a year now, wouldnt shut up about his exs, about how he wanted to marry one of them, how he slept with her in her car, how they'd do this and that, and to make it worse he even told me the baby names he chose with her. With her LAST name attached. it truely has crushed me. everyday i find myself getting wond up and really upset about it all, i lost my virginity to him and hes slept around alot, even though he tells me how awful and horrible she was ( as she used to hit him ) i cant help but think, well she must have been better than me. HELPPP!
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