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One More Day.

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Sorry u dont need to read. Its going to be long.
My friends have this band that plays rock n crap so like they were performing at this cafe at the mall and afterwards we was hungry so we went to macdonalds and you know we were casually eating fries and stuff then this boy that I supposedly loved walked in. The thing is I go to an all girls boarding school overseas and I am here visiting my family and friends and I have not seen this boy since september and not spoken to him properly since july. This is where it gets complicated. He is over 18 and he has lied to not only me but numerous girls about his age.. I am under 18 and it is illegal to have intercouse but with him it happened for the first time just before I left. I was only dating him for 8 months and he sexually assaulted me in his friends room. There were people outside. It wasnt rape and no he didnt hit me. I was just plain weak I was sitting on the bed and he started pulling off my trousers, this was not before he was holding me down. I said I wasnt ready but he didnt care. I should have hit him or screamed but I couldnt. Well after it had happened I was a mess I thought I couldnt live without him and I was scared he was going to leave me. He kept saying it is how you express love. Now before all this happened, a year ago I was hospitalised for overdosing. My reason was because my boyfriend (the boy who I saw in mc'ds) lived overseas going to school and one of his friends kept trying to get with me and I was missing my boyfriend, I needed love and I know this is no excuse but yes I cheated and it hit me so hard that I took so many panadol pills I stopped counting at 25. I hated myself and even before I was hospitalised i'd been cutting eversince highschool. I think its because I dont feel loved sometimes and I hate myself for it. Well um my boyfriend came here not so long after it happened and made everything okay until I started hearing things like he traffics drugs and gets with other girls and after giving myself to him, once wasnt enough. He turned up outside my house when I was doing maths coursework at abt 4 am, it was the night after our anniversary. It was raining and I let him in and ofcourse we ended up in my room and my parents came in. Both of us completely naked. Me crying and him quite shocked. My dad hit him. My mum wudnt look at me. Well downstairs he went with my dad, he wasnt naked now. I realised that I was in the room alone and went after then and I met my little sister in the hall and collasped on her, I was still naked in a bedsheet and she didnt know whatthehell was wrong with her sister crying on her shoulder. All that came out of my mouth was that I was so sorry. Anyway my family is strong somehow but I think it is hard for my parents to even look at me and its understandable as they think im so messd up. They sent me overseas to an all girls boarding school in the next 20 days.. I didnt see him again.. But yeah back to now. So I saw him tonight and I dont know why but I feel so low and ashamed. I want to rip off my face. Everytime I see his face it flashsback to my room and my parents and how they must have felt. They have given me everything. And what I did to them will never be forgotten, everything has just resorted in pain. They dont think im okay in the head. The therapists never worked. Hospital made it worse. How am I sposed to live with myself. Im scared, ive tried so hard not to bleed but all I end up doing is staying up nights trying to fight myself. I couldnt resist a ciggarette and my lungs r preety messd up since before. My chest hurts preety bad but I know i'll be fine.. Well yeah here I am now typing to this random thing. I had to face my mum in the car and at home I hugged her and she asked what I did because she expects me to have done something. I just dont know. Im not asking to be judged. I needed ti get all that crap off and it may not make sense but yeah someone please talk to me.
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replied December 17th, 2005
First of all, i'm sorry. I identify a lot with your story. I was raped when I was fourteen years old, at school, and certainly never told my parents. Later on, my father caught me sleeping on the couch with my boyfriend (also of eight months), with my shirt down around my waist.

The difficulty with sex is this: your parents know you do it (hypothetically, anyway). They might not know you do it now, but they know that you will, at some point, have sex. But that doesn't mean they like it. If it was up to them, yes, you would always be their little girl. But at the same time, they know you're growing up, and that things are changing. Most likely, they were just shocked. It's hard to deal with. Look at it this way. Your parents have sex. You know they do, you have a younger sister. They probably still do. But do you like thinking about it? Would you like walking in on it? Probably not. Don't worry about it, or try to worry less. Have a good heart-to-heart with your parents. My dad wouldn't talk to me for weeks after he found out I was sleeping with my boyfriend, but things are fine between us now, maybe even better. It's hard for your parents to make the leap from seeing you as a little kid to seeing you as a young adult, but it is important that they do so. Of course, it's also important that you respect their wishes- meaning that if you do decide to have sex again, you should be more careful that they don't...Well, that they don't have to be faced with the fact that you're doing it.

Lastly, forget about that boy. Any boy who pressures you into having sex is not worth thinking about. You're not less of a person because you were influenced by him, or overpowered by him, but he is less of a person for forcing you into anything you didn't want to do. Don't be ashamed. I know, it's hard. For years, I cried with shame about my rape. I even had to be drunk or stoned to have sex with boys I really did love because the act brought back such horrible memories. Shame is normal. It's not fun, but it's normal. Just don't let it rule your life. You haven't done anything wrong. In fact, it sounds like you're the victim. Don't feel guilty, and really, really, try not to make things more of a big deal than they are. Take a deep breath or two, and think clearly before you do something. Your little sister probably wasn't thrilled by seeing you so upset and distraught.

Just remember, you're in control of your actions, and your parents do love you, and will, all your life. Don't be afraid to talk to them. And don't feel ashamed about things in your past. You can't change them, but you can change what happens to you now- focus on that, instead.
Good luck, sabine
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