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Marriage And Bipolar Disorder (Page 1)

Hi I am 8 months pregnant with my second child and a few months ago I found out my husband is bipolar. He left me and it has just been a whole mess. I always new he was depressed from time to time but never really understood the whole of it all. He got on some medication, and came back home. So that is good. But I am having a hard time with this pregnancy and dealing with his illness. He hasn't been keeping his medication in the house it is in his car and I think he has stopped taking it or has run out and hasn't told me. I have asked him if he still has some and he says yes but his moods are changing. He has a real problem with anger and it is starting to show again. I am getting close to my due date and I need him ready to take this all on with me. I would just like to know from someone who has a spouse with the illness or someone with bipolar to give me some advice as to how to go about this. When he is on his medication he is the man that I fell in love with years ago and I think he remembers why he loved me too. I want so much to keep him with us. Not just for me but for our family, so if anyone has any advice please coontact me I really need the help.
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First Helper but_r_fly8
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replied November 10th, 2005
I have been married four years. For the longest time I could not understand why he was so depressed and why he had so much anger inside of him. Sometimes he is very charming and happy those are the times that keep me around. We have an 8 month old daugther and it is very hard to cope with his illness it is tough, you must be a really understandig person with your husband and dont take it personal. I know my husband loves our family so I do the best I can to help him and be there for him. Maybe some form of couples counseling might help, but if your husband is like mine he wont even give it a chance.
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replied November 10th, 2005
Experienced User
Maybe marrige therapy may help, I would question him about having his meds in the car.. :shock: he's not suicide is he, maybe he was feeling depressed and planed to take a few and drive wouldn't be good..
Keep a tab on how much meds he takes and when he takes them.
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replied November 10th, 2005
Sometimes it is awful, he will go the whole day absolutely angry about life. I mean about everything and the next moment he is okay. You never know how/ or what to say because they might be happy and take it well. Or the might be upset and any small comment would ignite an argument.
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replied November 10th, 2005
My Husband Is Bi-polar
My husband is also bi polar but his rage got so extreme he beat me up. Hes now in jail for it. We have a 11 month old son togeather and dont get me wrong he is one hell of a father but when hes not on his meds or takes them wrong he gets violent. When hes on them correctly hes a great guy. The nicest man you will ever know. I never did any research on bi-polar until he went to jail and now I wish I would have researched his disability before this all happend and maybe it could have been prevented. The one thing most bi-polar men want is someone to talk to. Do not ignore them what ever you do. That makes it worse. Listen to them and what they have to say. My husband is not on his meds regularly and he relizes he messed up and how much he lost from not taking his meds. So just make sure he is taking his meds correctly or you will end up like me.
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replied November 14th, 2005
Bipolar Marrige
I am having a hard time having my husband even go to a doctor he is in denial but I know he really needs help can anyone give me advice on what to do to get him to go? :shock:
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replied December 8th, 2005
Marriage And Bipolar
I suffer from bipollar disorder and have been married nearly one year. My husband and I discovered I had the disorder when I became pregnant. I have major mood swings, and they after include extreem anger and anxiety. It waould be very helpful if my husband tried to understand how difficult these emotions are for met, and to try very hard not to think or remind me of how hard it is on him, or what a mean person I am. Kindness and compassion is what I need. Sometimes I just need to vent, and after doing so, I can look at the situation more realistically.
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replied December 9th, 2005
Experienced User
Re: Bipolar Marrige
rox wrote:
i am having a hard time having my husband even go to a doctor he is in denial but I know he really needs help can anyone give me advice on what to do to get him to go? :shock:


you can't "make" him go. That's the sad truth. The only way you can "make" him do anything at this point is if he hurts you or scares you badly enough to get the law involved, or the paramedics.

I mean, the unmedicated bipolar gentleman who got shot by the air marshals is an example of just how disastrous things can get. He said he had a bomb and was going to blow people up, the air marshals told him to get his hands in the air, he didn't, he got shot. It's tragic that he chose not to take his meds, but there are consequences for one's behaviour and actions.

Rox, you may have to remove yourself as from the role of safety net in order for your husband to take his condition seriously. And that is a sad and scary thing for you to do. But it may end up saving his life and your marriage later on.

There are no acceptable, "yes, but" answers to threatening to harm someone, destroying other people's property, frightening your spouse or child to the point that they are vomiting from fear, or running and hiding from you. These are all cosmic clues to someone to change their surroundings and/or change their lives.

That includes you too rox. Take a look at the web site www.Angriesout.Com (or is that org?) and see if anything rings a bell for you.

And good luck, I hope he starts addressing his condition and your marriage pulls through.
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replied December 16th, 2005
Dsmith is right, rox. You can't make him get treatment.

I have been separated from my ex-husband for 2 years now. He is bipolar and refused to get treatment. He would talk about it and I would get excited and make appointments...To have him blow me off and pretend that he "forgot". Unfortunately, one of the symptoms of the disorder is an over-inflated ego. This was the problem in my case. My ex alternated between denying that he had a problem, to believing that he could handle it on his own.

Our story will end in divorce and i'm still recovering from it. Tell your husband what you'd learned here. But, be prepared - it may take him hitting rock bottom before he seeks help.

Good luck,
plucky
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replied December 27th, 2005
Marriage And Bipolar
I have been diagnosed with bipolar about a month or so ago. My aunt kept telling me that she thought I was because she is and knows the signs. My problem is though, not me, but my husband. I am quite positive he is bp as well. He has every sign and symptom. He can't understand my pain and aggravation...I have major melt downs and huge insecurity problems. My marriage is literally ending I believe because of this, but his anger gets out of control sometimes...He never hits me, but says horrible things to me. He will stop speaking to me for a week or so at a time over me asking a question that he feels is showing my insecurities. This is very hard for me because he does feel I should be able to turn it off in a snap, but as you all know thats impossible. He is denial about himself having issues, so therefore it creates even more problems. How do I make him understand I truely have difficulties in coping with things, but I am in counseling, but still, how do I make him understand my problems if he doesnt see his? :cry:
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replied January 19th, 2006
I cannot express to you all how much help you all are to me.
Being married to someone with bi-polar is a constant challenge especially on the nerves.... He never beat me up, but he threatens it. He's great when he's not in a swing, and he's the most horrible monster when he's messed up and wow!
I agree wholeheartedly, we need to fully understand the disorder if we want to help.... But it's still hard even with all the information in the world.
I think it's finding the perfect balance of avoidance, support, affection and uplifting words, and knowing when to back off.
Don't ever blame yourself when your loved one gets violent with you, or puts you down, I have to hear it all the time, and it's hard to ignore... It hurts.
I feel like, I have depression and anxiety just from him coming in the room when he's in his funk... Because I have to listen to the name calling, and the seemingly outward rude remarks. I don't like it and I feel like I don't deserve it. Nobody deserves it.
So I tell him so, afterwards., just to let him know how I feel when he said that. And usually I get more positive feedback.
It's hard to know when to just let him chill on the computer or walk away in the middle of an argument, however I have learned, sometimes leave well enough alone.
When he's ready to talk, he'll talk. I don't really have any particular advice to anyone specific, just that I guess we're not alone. I have a lot of the same feelings that you have all expressed,,, and it makes me so angry when he can sit there and put me down verbally, and if I dare say anything to defend myself, the things that come out of his mouth make me want to pack up and leave.... Again for the millionth time. And this yoyo of back and forth gets so old. I just want some stability. Some peace. And I know its asking a lot.
There's this particular therapist my hubby has been going to, they give him lots and lots of handouts on managing anger, and tons of ways to destress... And they are so helpful even for me lol
i think it's hard enough for the person with bp, they hardly understand why they feel what they feel or what they feel.... And it's hard and probably embarrassing in a lot of ways., and it's hard for the other person, not understanding why things seem so great half the time and really suck the other half.... I just think being there for them is really what they want and need. I think the fact that we love them so dearly the way we do, is their reason for hanging on even when it gets really hard.
And I particularly feel good, when he comes up to me and hugs me randomly for no reason and thanks me for the kids we have. His mother has been supporting him, and has been so great, since he found out when he was 19, and the hardest thing he had to do was tell me, 3 months after we started dating.... He was afraid of my reaction. He was afraid of a lot of things.
And thats the thing... He's still afraid.
And thats why it makes it easier for me, to be strong for him.
The medication can only do so much, especially when it's being changed often, or if its been missed.... I'm really thankful for this forum, I hope we can all help each other.. We are not alone, and neither are the ones we love.
~jenn
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replied January 21st, 2006
I hear alot about bipolar men being aggresive and angry when they are manic. My boyfriend is bipolar and he is not at all this way. He is either really happy and social or he is withdrawn and sleeps alot. He has these ups and downs even though he is on medication. Is this his personality type that explains why he does not have any aggresion or anger( or at least never shows it) or is he a differeent type of bipolar?
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replied January 21st, 2006
Oh dear, I don't know what type he is.
Everyone is differnt and seem to have different symptoms.. My husband is aggressive when he gets really bad and imbalanced... But in general he's really happy go lucky and pretty sweet.
Not sure on that one. Good luck to you. =)
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replied September 12th, 2007
My husband has bipolar...

We found out he had bipolar when we had our 3rd child. Our realationship has always been a roller coaster. He is the love of my life and I would do anything for him. He is a good dad most of the time and can be a loving husband. His biploar has been hard on us. He thinks stuff that is not true and can be angry and mean. Most of the time he says he is going to leave. When he gets like that he puts all kinds of stuff on me. Like all of my flaws. He does not get viloent but he does tend to look at women and chat with them online. His is more of a sexual nature. He says he loves me but needs to find himself. He has cheated on me before. Is it bipolar or is it him or me? Does he really love me or am I a crutch? I beat myself up everyday for not knowing what else I can do. He is leaving this time. Moving in with a co-worker who is going through a divorce himself. I found out he has been wanting to meet women offline. I feel so used and helpless. He is lying to me and I don't know how to get him more help. He was on meds for a few months then came off of them. The doctor switched them and he still has not gotten back to the point where he was a month ago. I wonder how long it takes for the meds to kick back in after ones been off for a few days? His doctor can't tell me anything because its confidential! My husband thinks he can fix himself. I understand how all of you feel. I wish I could have a magic wand that made this all better for us. I am so desperate right now and I don't like that feeling. I am loosing the love of my life and I am angry, sad, confused, lonely, afraid. I pray everyday that god to guide my life and I can't help but loose faith sometimes. I hope i can get some advice on this. Thank you for letting me vent!
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replied September 14th, 2007
Marriage And Bipolar
I have been married 23 years and I am bipolar. My husband and I just found out that I was bp last year. It helped explain my erratic manic behavior. He has been very supportive and has read, 'An Unquiet Mind'-a book that helps you understand the disease..I recommend it highly.
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replied September 16th, 2007
My wife is BP, I imagine that is easier for a couple when the woman is BP and not the man. I mean from a physical point of view like stopping them self harming or trying to take the car keys during an episode, not sure, thats just my thoughts. Also if the man is BP and being angry or violent, what does the partner do ? I think it would be really scary and upsetting.

Best wishes,
Carl
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replied January 3rd, 2008
Marriage And Bipolar
Hi everyone! My Lord, I am so thankful for having found this forum. I need to be connected with people who are living this. First let me start by saying that I love my husband with everything I have. He is the love of my life. With that, though, comes a price. I have forgiven so many horrible things. I have been patient, compassionate and loving. I have to tell you, though, I am tired of having to be the understanding one. I'm tired of everything being "my fault." I'm tired of cleaning up the mess after he goes through one of his rages. I'm tired of all of the negativity. Mostly, though, I'm tired of not feeling loved, respected, safe or secure. He will never physically abuse me; I was combat in Desert Storm and he wouldn't dare touch me. The walls and inanimate objects seem to get the brundt end of his physical manifestations of anger.

He says that he's taking all of his medicine as prescribed, but I know he's lying. I have counted it, without him knowing. Do I call his Doctor?? I mean, I know that I can't force him to take it. That's his choice. I can't keep doing this, though. My physical health is not good and the mental stress and anxiety of dealing with this everyday is taking a major toll on me. No matter how much I love him, I know that I can't keep this up forever without some major changes.

I know that this disease is not his fault. I know that there is no cure. Honestly, that helps me to be patient and loving even when he's at his worst. How do you help someone that doesn't seem to want to be helped? How do you stay sane when you are surrounded by this daily? How do you save a marriage when you're the only one working on it? I love him so much; I don't want to leave him. What do I do?? How do you all deal with the day to day??

Please understand that I am just venting. I finally found a place to do that , so I'm sorry if I sound more like I'm complaining. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Good luck to all of you and God Bless!!

a =)
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replied January 3rd, 2008
Supporter
Acn73
i wish i knew the answers... and so does my husband. i have the beastly illness. each case is so different but we all share a common theme - pain from bp.

he has to take his medicine regularly for it to work effectively. but i know you know this... you can't get him to take it. that's such a tough thing and i know you feel helpless and hurt. well, my seroquel just kicked in, finally. off to bed. i'll check back... keep us posted! take care and chin up pup.
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replied February 27th, 2008
My husband has bipolar
Thank the Lord that I found this site! I dated my husband for about a year before we married. I have kids from a previous marriage. During the time we dated, he really did not show any ups or downs. I mean once in a while he would need encouragement, or lifting, but that was not a big deal. Since our marriage...(we have only been married for 3 months) he has retreated to bed due to being afraid of the world....on 3 different weekends. He is currently in a CONFIDENT stage..."doing well" he would tell you. This translates to pulling away from me emotionally and physically. Doesn't seem WELL to me. This yo yo is driving me crazy. It is just so much for one person to take. I am not sure who I am supposed to be each day! I am at my witts end...PLEASE HELP.. I don't know if I can do this for a lifetime.
YEs he is taking his meds!
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replied February 28th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Been saved,

The thought of living everyday with a person that is unstable with bipolar disorder can be daunting to say the least. My husband suffers from depression and it can be "challenging" to understand the moods and anger that accompany mental disorders. My son (2 of them) has bipolar disorder. He gets angry, irritable, hostile, agitated... He blames me for many of his troubles. He is easily frustrated by tasks and takes out his moods on me. People with bipolar disorder will vent, rage and take out anger and frustration on the people they trust the most. This usually falls on the parents and significant other in that person's world.

When my son or husband seem to be going off and there is little peace I take that as a signal to talk with the psychiatrist. A medication dose change may be in order. Perhaps a new medication needs to be added or tried. Tweaking the med regime can make all the difference.

Therapy is frequently another prong to the treatment that needs to happen. We live in a rural area and our options are limited. I am still trying to find therapy for my son and support for me. Perhaps this would be a good option for you. You need to have someone to talk to with experience in this disorder. Your husband is miserable. He feels lousy. He probably feels worse for acting out with you. See if you can find a therapist for him and you. It may make life easier for you.

You navigate unchartered waters with bipolar disorder. Nobody presents the same way and nobody reacts the same way to medication. It is difficult to live with this disorder. Those afflicted have no choice but to try and find stability. All you can do is support your husband, encourage him to go back to the psychiatrist. Medications seem to work for awhile and then don't do the job anymore. It is almost as if the neurochemistry builds up a tolerance to the medication and is no longer affected by it.

Keep coming back here. You have LOTS of company. Many people that post here have bipolar disorder and many are loved one of someone with bipolar disorder. This forum allows you to know you are not alone. Hope this helped, even a little.
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