I am a closeted 20 year old college guy with a big problem. I've always had relationships with girls, that have never quite had the spark i'm looking for. I've had crushes on lots of guys, and been attracted to guys, but it was never anything I couldn't control. Last year I met a guy in a study abroad program, and we became fast friends. He was perfect. Good-looking, intelligent, witty, good-hearted, perfect in every way, and straight. We became roommates, and best friends, and I soon fell completely in love with him. When he would joke about girls he'd hooked up with, my heart would break. I'd feel as if somebody had punched me in the gut. It grew to the point that I think about him all the time, could see myself marrying him and living with him for the rest of my life. He has become the most important thing in my life, but he has absolutely no idea. I had to restrain myself from taking peeks at him sleeping, from staring at his beautiful face just a bit too long, from allowing drunken evenings to spill my big secret. What should I do? I want so badly to tell him, hoping beyond hope that there is a small chance that he might feel the same way. But I fear that telling him would result in his freaking out, and losing the relationship we do have. It's tearing me up inside. To not have him in my life would be just unbearable. He's not really homophobic, but he is southern, and homosexuality is something that has never come up between us. As far as he knows, i'm totally straight. Any advice would be appreciated.
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replied October 22nd, 2005
Active User, very eHealthy
This is a very hard decision to make. You basically have to options:
1: talk to him about how you feel and risk losing your friendship.
2: keep it to yourself and continue to be good friends (atleast until you feel that perhaps it is more appropraite to continue with number 1.)
it really depends on which is more important to you: having the love of your life, or having the friend of a lifetime.
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replied July 22nd, 2009
I was in the exact situation, only he knows I'm gay. It really makes no difference. He's gay and you're straight: you can't be together. Although it may seem great at first, you're a gay man and no straight man can give you what you need. I'm talking about the deep physical and emotional support you get from an intimate relationship. Although he may love you, which I'm sure he does as you're best friends, he can never be with you in the way you want because he's straight.

It's hard to accept, but it takes time. Unless he's willing to switch teams you have to be comfortable with just being friends.
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replied July 22nd, 2009
Experienced User
A friend of mine was in the exact situation... however, this was at work, so they only saw each other 8 hours out of the day. But my friend fell madly in love with a guy, who was straight (or so we actually think), and very... weird. Anyway, this same guy now works elsewhere, and it has been better for my friend, who suffers from depression.

If you do want to tell him, the timing has to be absolutely right. Beforehand, I would highly recommend coming to grips with your sexuality. I am seeing where you come from here, as I had relationships with girls in the past, and just started coming out two years ago. Right now, the important people in my life know me for me, and that is fine with me.

If you tell him now, it may be excruciating. Like I said, coming to grips and accepting you for who you are is more ideal at this point.
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replied July 22nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Come out to him. As hard as this is, college will be over eventually and if you hide your feelings he will be the big what-if in your life. Come out before it's too late for him to deal with who you are and how you feel. If he can't cope with your being gay then the friendship isn't what you thought it was and the love you felt could never be returned. Go easy on him, confess to him that you're Gay but don't adress your feelings until you know he's comfortable. If he has similar feelings he may still be in denial about them and too much all at once may be more than he can handle.
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replied April 19th, 2010
well.. i dont know if it is appropriate for me to reply to this post, because i am a WOMAN!!
But i can relate to what you said... i have never dated women either, n my relationships with men last NOT very long, cos im not attracted to them!! So.. anyway.. I did fall in love with my best friend too... and when she started having this steady boyfriend, id get jelous of him n we kept having a lot of fights, because i would break everytime she said anything about him!
it got to a point where i could take it no longer... so i told her that i was in love with her.. contrary to what i expected, she just said that she was flattered and that she did love me too, but not in "THAT WAY" and that i am a very important part of her life...
1 year since, we are still friends... best ever... we don have those fights anymore.. but i will always love her!!!

@dcguy1 : i think you should tell him, because if u do mean a lot to him, ur friendship will survive, if u dont get into a relationship with him, i.e!!!
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replied May 10th, 2010
Same Boat!
I am in your shoes! I am a young college guy, about to grad and a good friend of mine is continuing his studies while I''m going to another school, though in the same city. I''ve only started coming out a few months ago but since coming to grips with my sexuality, I''ve begun to develop crushes, the strongest of which has been for this friend of mine. He''s gorgeous, very smart (a scientist like me) and he''s incredibly social, not to mention he''s got the body I fawn over. We''ve been friends but nothing more until last week. I couldn''t live with the "what-if" of never telling him how I felt so I asked him if we could talk and, though it was very tough, I told him "G, I have feelings for you." He was amazing and said he couldn''t reciprocate those feelings but he was cool with it and that we could still be friends.

I''m glad it''s settled (even though I''m a bit sad my fantasies of him coming out to me didn''t prove true) and that not only was I able to come out to him but tell him what I really felt for him. I still suffer from withdrawal, thinking I''ll never find a guy as perfect as him, but I keep telling myself I will find someone even better, that it wouldn''t have worked out and that, at least, we can still remain friends.

Stay strong and be true to the both of you, don''t come on too strongly.
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