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How Long Do I Wait For Her to Come Back?

I've been married for just over three years, during which times my wife and I had our ups and downs. I thought they were mostly ups, but I guess I was wrong. Right after memorial day (our anniversary) I became busy at work for a few weeks. The next thing I knew, my wife and I were fighting constantly about all kinds of things.

She's always been a bit insecure about our marriage, since we were married young when she was pregnant. I was 22, she was 20. I don't think that she ever believed that I loved her, and after our daughter turned 2 and started to be a little less work, my wife started focusing on her social life. I felt her pulling away from me, and I resented it. I wasn't a treat to be around, and there were several times that she had a bag packed and was going to take my daughter and leave.

Anyway, back to this summer. In early july I found a lease for an apt in her purse when I was looking for my cell phone, and I confronted her about it. She said that dr phil thought it was a good idea to have a trial separation sometimes. I hated the idea, because I knew that once she was gone I wouldn't be able to get her back. So I fought it the whole way, and she acted out against me by going out and leaving me with our daughter at home.

Finally I had enough, and I told her to go. At this point we had furnished her new apt, but she wasn't moving in. She was going to stay, and I told her to go. I hate myself for that....It's all I think about. Because as soon as she left she hooked up with a new guy, and now they're constantly together.

We never even really broke up. She just ran off with this guy, and wouldn't answer the phone. I've been taking care of our little girl as best as I can, but I don't want to keep her from her mother. I want to be a family. But she wants to start a new family with this guy.

He's threatened me several times, and threatened her family. She has our daughter around him, and I can't do a thing about it because we're not divorced. When I talk to her, it's like she's gone. We yell at each other, but after the yelling it's like she wants to come home but she's afraid to. Afraid of what, I don't know.

I feel so pathetic for loving this woman, but I can't stop myself. I want to wait and see if she comes home. I can't eat, or sleep. I can't think straight. Things get worse all the time. All she wants is money, and all I want is a chance with her. How long do I wait?
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replied October 10th, 2005
How long have you two been separated?

Well here is my story...
My husband and I had been married for 2 years. He got sent to afganistan and I was waiting at home for him. I mean I am not the kind of person to sit around and cry about stuff like that. So I did my own thing and moved on with life. We talked on the phone about everyday he could call for the first month. Then the second month it changed to about twice a week. By the third month it was once a week and a few emails in between. Well I didn't think much about this bc I figured he just started getting used to it. Then he came home on 2 week leave around the 6 month mark. I was very nervous about this and us being ok together after so long apart. But everything was cool. I mean we got along great, very much in love. Well the same things continued until about 1 month before he came home. Then he started calling 2 or 3 times a week. He made it clear to me that he loved me very much and missed me. Then about 2 weeks before he was to come home he said he was scared. He didn't want to come back to civilian life. I thought maybe he wanted to go full time (he was in the reserves). But the day he came back to the base, I was so nervous and excited about seeing him. I had a panic attack that day when I saw his bus pull in the parking lot. Then he waved, thats it. But the army is very controlling so I didn't think much about it. Then after the welcome home ceremony he came and gave me a hug. I was overwhelmed with emotion but I felt something wrong.
Later at the hotel we had sex but it was weird. He told me he was sorry about earlier. He said a lot has been on his mind but wouldn't tell me what. Well the whole weekend was horrible. We were not the same and my fears had been confirmed. On sunday before I was to go back home he told me that he was not attracted to me anymore and was disappointed when he saw me that first day back.
It broke my heart and I had another panic attack. This one was worse I felt like my heart was literally ripped in half.
He returned home a week later and over the next two weeks everything fell apart. At first he wanted time a more space, which I gave him, even though hard to do. I missed him very much. Then a week later he told me that we had to move to another town for his job. I asked if he wanted me to go with him. He said yes. A few days later he told me he would be moving alone. He said he still loved me. He lived in our apartment with me for a few more weeks. Everything was ok. We acted like old friends, he was my best friend for the last few years. Then a month after he moved out he invited me over to his new place to "talk". I thought he wanted to patch things up. But no, he handed me divorce papers.

I just think that people make dumb life changing decisions too quickly. Make her realize that you are a great guy and that if she doesn't move quickly that a great girl will take you. But maybe this happened for a reason maybe she isn't the "one" for you. I am sure things will somehow work out. But try to stay on good talking terms with her for your daughter's sake.

Sorry mine is such a long reply.
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replied November 3rd, 2005
Sorry Man
I am sorry for your situation.........She is trying to capture some of her youth...........She feel she grew up too fast.......She will be sorry later, and you will hear about it........How long do you want to wait and will you be able to take her back? Good luck.
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replied November 7th, 2005
Dont Wait
I think you shoudn't wait for her to come back. If she knows you are waiting......She will probably never come back. She is only keeping yuo hanging on sounds like. My husband has done the same thing. You need to try to get on with your life. She is busy living hers. She probably knows that if this new bf doesnt work out, then you will be her backup. I have been through it. My husband, even though he has a gf moved in with him, still tries to say and do little things to make me think he is having second thoughts. If he truly loved me, he would be with me. Do you have your daughter all the time? Consider this a blessing. I dont know what I would have done without my children. Concentrate on taking care of her and yourself. Just start to live your life as if your wife is not coming back. If she sees that you are not waiting on her, odds are she will start rethinking things. And if she doesn't, well what have you lost by going on with your life? Best of luck to you.
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