I find myself in a difficult position. I need to talk to someone impartial, and I don't have that, so I am reaching out over the internet.

My marriage of three years has ended. I am the one who left.

Things had been building up for awhile, but I never thought that I would just finally reach the breaking point and leave. In a fit of rage, my spouse told me to "leave...Pack your crap and go!" this is the 6th or 7th time I had heard this since marraige. It always got resolved by me begging to stay...Not this time.

The issue of children was also a big issue. My spouse wanted them...And right now! I want kids, but not until I am more financially stable, with a better home to bring them into instead of a crummy one-bedroom apartment.

In the past couple of years, I heard so much negative stuff about myself, about what I think, about what I want, that my self-worth is non-existant. I hate myself, and I can't do that anymore. I need to get back to the person I was long ago...I liked that person.

How did you deal with the emotions of a divorce in the beginning?
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replied June 16th, 2005
Experienced User
Hello bobba,

i'm sorry to hear about your marriage ending.

Right now I am going through the building up to when it will all explodes stage. It hasn't reached to the point of divorce yet.

From what your wrote it seems our situations have alot in common. If you want to talk more feel free to pm me.
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replied June 16th, 2005
I am sorry to hear about your pending divorce. It is always hard to deal with, but be thankful you didn't have children with him. You can move on with a clean break and find someone right for you.

My divorce was recently finalized a few weeks ago. I go lived through verbal abuse, warnings that he was leaving me, telling me he never loved me, etc. Seven years of abuse. I finally had had enough and packed up myself and two small children and left. Unfortunately, though my children are my saving grace, I will be tied to him for life. No clean break.

I wish you all the best. There are people out there who can treat you right and love you for who you are.
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replied June 16th, 2005
Thanks for the replies so far. I should specify that I am a guy. Not that it matters a whole bunch, but alas.

I am going through a slew of emotions right now. Anger, guilt, remorse, sadness, fright, etc. My leaving happened very quickly after I had made my mind up, and I know she is confused and more than a little taken back by that fact, but I try to keep telling myself that it was the right thing for me to leave.

I do feel like crap by leaving, but not "oh, I made a mistake, i'll go work things out", but more so that I made a promise for better, for worse, till death do us part. I can vividly remember the good times in the past and wonder where they went...When did things change so much? Is it all really my fault? These are the thoughts running through my mind right now...Kind of hard to get my mind on anything else.
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replied June 24th, 2005
Bobba, I can relate to you about your marriage vows. Maybe if you two have some time apart, then you both could realize what you really want out of your life. "you dont know what you got til its gone" could be her situation. Were both of you verbally abusive? Or just her? Have you tried counseling? I honestly believe that a married couple should take every avenue available to try and save their marriage. Too many people divorce without even trying to save their marriage. I dont think you should feel guilty....I just think you and your spouse should make every effort to save your marriage. Then if it doesn't work.....You can say you honestly tried.
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replied October 10th, 2005
I agree. My husband wanted a divorce and won't take anything else. He refused to go to marriage counseling, which me and his mom suggested. He had his mind set up and was not changing it for anyone. Please don't be like this, give her a chance. But I also think you have to do whats best for you and whats in your heart.
Good luck with everything.
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replied October 31st, 2005
Divorcing And Confused
Ok bobba, I read your post not knowing your gender which is irrevelent actually since genderwise abuse is committed by both sexes.

You are a very lucky man which you will realize in time. Contrary to popular belief thanks to daytime talk shows far more me are the victims of abuse than you would think and you are absolutely victimized whether you realize it or not.

I was in couseling three months into my marriage and had two subsequent therapists during the 24 year term of my marriage that is currently in divorce stage initiated by my wife for the 2nd and last time.
I will be filing counterclaim this week. The 1st 2 therepist were found by my with therapy recieved at my insistence. These sessions ended when the therapists discovered credibility was not a virtue of my wife resulting in her refusal to continue therapy. She sought the last therapist we saw only to be used for an attempt in court to create a false appearance of dedication to the marriage. Odds are you initiated your counseling sessions. Now enough about me and now I will provide some counseling based on wisdom gained by experiences of myself and others known to me.

Your spouse is not a nice person and does not and most likely never loved or cared about you except for personal gain of some unknown, sick agenda she has. People can become addicted to other people just as much as one can to alchohol and/or drugs. You are addicted to her and now it is time to de-tox and re-habillitate yourself. By constant criticism and disapproval she was making a concerted effort to remove your self-esteem and to subjugate to into a spineless pile of dough. Bottom line is the !**@! is a control freak to the extreme. She doesn't like anybody and that includes herself even though she acts otherwise. I have seen many men do the same thing to their significant others. These peope prey on the "givers" of the world and they are the "takers". They should be drawn, quartered and hung in my opinion.

I would bet money she tried to distance you from your family which is your support mechanism. Mine insisted that each holiday was spent with her family and never mine. Sex with your wife was probably on the verge of non-existence soon after you were married. She always provided a good reason for the lack of intimacy but it was an excuse nontheless. Believe me you will discover she was having sex on a regular basis but not with you. That is when you get pissed and put on your combat gear and start to get your life back. However, always remember there is a fine line between love and hate and you will not be completely de-toxed from her until you let go of her and the hate!

I could not pick your wife out of a police line-up but the smart money tells me you are affluent or belong to a family of high social stature. This would be the most likely reason she chose you be her husband but not necessarily.

She wanted children for monetary gain regardless of what you were told.
Mine had wealthy parents and sisters with children so she wanted her parent's attention and child support when the time came to divorce me.
You need to rent the movie "cat on a hot tin roof" with liz taylor and paul newman.

Yes you are a lucky man because you are about to cut your losses early unlike myself enduring the abuse for 25 years. I do have and love my children but she has managed to brainwash my daughter and alienated her from me perhaps forever. Time will tell if this is true.

Now go out there and start enjoying life, throw a filet on the grill, drink a cold beer (but do not self-medicate) and have a fornication festival. You will be surprised that compliments from women will become a common occurance in your life which will get better, that I assure you. Father tme
is a great healer but a terrible beautician. Divorce her and kick her ass in court!
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