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In Love (??) With Straight Best Friend, Very Confused

This is a pretty common problem, I suppose, but I really don't know what to do.

I'm a 23 yr old guy, and have identified myself as queer since I was 11. Though I am logically open towards the possibility of women, it's just never happened for me. Who knows, I may very well be bisexual. Not that it matters in the larger picture.

In college, I told my best friend 3 days into our friendship that I was gay. He said he was staight, and we've been very close ever since. For the next 3 years, we were inseperable. He never had a girlfriend, despite my attempts to fix him up. Never liked anyone.

Here's where it gets complicated. His mother, who was staying with him at the time, tried to commit suicide. He was devastated, and I did my best to console him. Things between him and his mom and the rest of the family became very sour. But he refused to open up to anybody except me. I wanted him to be able to talk to other people as well, but he never felt comfortable about it.

When college was over, and I was shifting to another town to take up a postgrad course, he was devastated. He literally begged me to stay. One night he suggested we try something physical, though I was relucatant. I could see it was an attempt to get me to stay. It never progressed very far, though it happened on another occasion. Nothing very serious, but something. He later said he was experimenting, but he was straight.

When I was back home on vacation, he would call me long distance literally every day, and tell me how much he missed me, and how I was the only one who understood him. He would call me his soulmate, and stuff like that. I thought he just missed me, and perhaps it was misplaced affections.

Then my father passed away a few days later. I was devastated, and in my grief, I came to the conclusion, that perhaps he (my friend) did love me, and I loved him too. But when I decided to disclose it to him, he went ballistic. He said he was straight, and how could I be so stupid, etc etc.

Eventually, he later said that his reactions were due to his fear that I was rocking the boat. In his own words, I and his relationship with me was the one bright thing in his life, and why I wanted to change that. He was afraid I would be gone too.

Over the next many months, we talked things over, long distance. He said he was straight, and he wasn't attracted to me. But he cared for me a great deal, more than I would ever know. I meant more to him than anybody else in his life, after his sister. He said he was open to the idea of being with a guy, but after all the stuff that happened with his mother and his family, he doesn't believe in love, and didn't want to be in a relationship, of any sort, with anyone.

But when he told me of some 'stuff' that happened between him and a girl, I was devastated. My friends told me to stop bothering over a straight guy, and to let go, and get on with my life. But everytime I tried to break it off with him, he would get really upset. I tried on several occasions to let go, and leave him to his own devices, but I could see he would really suffer. When I met him after almost a year, he was overjoyed to see me. He seemed happy after a really long time. Our common friends whom I confided in told me that he talks constantly about me, and that I am never far from any conversation, and that he's always talking about what I think about a particular film, or my take on a particular matter. They say he really loves me too, but he's too upset and depressed to admit it. I take that with a pinch of salt. But when it was time for me to head back to university, he begged me to stay a bit longer. Everytime I tried to leave, he would get really upset and bogged down. Later on, when I had some distance between us, I tried to break it off again. He said he felt he had lost all will, and couldn't bear to hurt me any more. He felt powerless to stop me, but he would rather see me go, than hurt me anymore. What could I do? I told him to relax, and that I would never leave him, ever.

What do I do? It's all very confusing. Any suggestions would be welcome.
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replied June 11th, 2005
Answer?
Have you pointed out to hime the fact that he is needy. Maybe if you had a mutual friend that might point it out to him, he might see how he is reacting. It sounds to me like he may have some issues with his own sexuality and might be doing things with the girl because he is scared he is gay. Does his family look down on gay people? He sounds confused and lonely. I would still be his friend, but try going out with someone else. Maybe if you did that and told him about it, you might find out his true feelings for you. If he is in love with you, he will be jealous and be forced to tell you how he feels. If not he will be happy for you because he is your friend. Im no expert its just my opinion. Maybe this will help a little.


Hb
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replied June 12th, 2005
Tried That...
Thanks.

Well, i've tried that. I've hooked up with someone, and he was initially happy for me. But when I met the guy, my friend kept calling me. By the time our 'date' was over, I had 42 missed calls on my phone. A few days later, when I spent the night with the guy, my friend kept calling me at 3 in the morning, forcing me to switch off the phone. When I went back in the morning, the look of pain on his face was obvious. He wouldn't talk to me. Only when I told him I had a train ticket for that evening, did he beg me to stay.

A mutual friend I confided in told me that he talks constantly about me. I am never far from any conversation, and that he was truly happy to see me.
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replied June 12th, 2005
Well, I guess if you really care about each other you will have to live with not having a physical relationship with him. Maybe one day he will be ready, but I would say he is definatly in love with you.
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replied December 13th, 2008
in my prayers!
dear rmisra, i m a gay male frm karachi, pakistan. i stumbled upon ur post while looking for answers to the same problem as urs. u made ths post in 2005 and i seriously doubt if u'd evr go thru ur query 3 yrs later. but if by some magical means that happens...please let me know what happened 3 yrs down the road! did u two wind up together? did he fall in love with u, moved in with, whisked u off to some earthly paradise? or did get married, had kids, moved away? i hope things turned out well in ur life and wotever happened, u did find peace at last. u r in my prayers.
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replied December 18th, 2008
Supporter
If you had 43 missed calls from this "friend" of yours then I really think he likes you. he just sounds scared.. I also do agree with the other poster that he sounds a bit needy.
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Users who thank harmony1 for this post: homerx 

replied January 9th, 2009
agreed
i think Ur right he does sound needy but maybe he thinks of you as the last connection he has to his life before the disruption with his family. i think if ur still looking at this then you shouldnt break it off with him. maybe you may suffer a bit but he will certainly suffer much more. all i think he needs is someone who can be with him all the time. try introducing him to someone whos like you and see how that goes.
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replied January 9th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
This guy is either really confused or hes screwing with you, he wants you all for himself in a sick demented way, its like twins in some cases.

He needs counselling, he needs to open up and figure out what he is doing. He also need to build his own identity, it sounds like he lost it and you are like his twin, the only reason I mention twins is because my sister was like that.

She would always get upset when I was happy, when I met someone she would start stuff up or ask me questions which she would openly tell people afterwards.

He needs help, we all have problem but when you can't do anything on your own or it interferes with other peoples lives, its wrong.
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replied February 18th, 2009
this same thing happened with me..im 20 and me and this guy have been best friends since we were kids im bi but he dsnt know that..whenever i would date someone he would get insanely jealous and try to convince me that she was a ho and to get me to break up with her and all that..anyway he dated this girl for a year and even though we went to a small school we never talked and after they broke up he said it killed him that i nvr talked to him and all that and he said that he could see himself with me but as far as i know he was straight even though i wouldnt doubt it if he wasnt, we live in the deep south in kinda a small town so we never really talked about it, we have a lot of mutual friends but im the only one that he shows affection to (hugging,telling me he loves me)..im not super touchy like that so i dnt really like it but several ppl have commented on that and i think that its kinda funny bc im th one thats bi and ive had to defend his sexuality to people lol..i like him to but im not sure i would ever date him bc hes my best friend and i dnt want to ruin that..my point is im in the same baot as u in the confusion department..there is a lot more stuff i could write about but it would take a wile..
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replied April 18th, 2009
Feedback
Well, it's been many years since, and somebody asked whatever happened between us.

We've fought constantly, but we always made up. We're still best friends, and each have someone significant in our lives. His girlfriend is highly supportive, and tended to side with me during our fights. I think in our own way, we still love each other. I do love him, but not in a physical way. I suppose at some point of time, I realized I didn't see my future with him, at least not in the way I used to. Everything else was secondary.

Is he still needy? Not so much. Smile
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replied February 22nd, 2012
go for it still
I still think you should kiss him and see where that leads, because if you're relationship is as strong as you say it is, it will hold.
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replied April 26th, 2012
It's happen to me too. I was very close with my straight friend and frankly we even slept together in one bed hugging each other without any sexual encounter. It's not healthy sometimes since he is the guy I would like to be with too.
I started to distance myself just stick with messages and email or telephone (thank god I work in the different country now)
I guess I am a guy who happen hang out lots with straight guy and sometimes can't help but juts like him
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