I have tried everything. I really have. Every possible therapy and it's not working. I am sick and tired of the way I live my life and my secret. I have amazing boyfriend, great job, good friends...And darkest secret ever. I eat until I burst. I am fine in the morning and during the day. I have managed to sort 1/2 of the day after 10 years of serious suffering...The only problem is that I still eat in the evening.And I eat everything I can find around me :( . I am just such a mess and this is something noone knows except my parents- but they live far away. I feel sad and I do want to get well but this has been part of my life for soo long and I really don't know how to stop? How do I stop?? I am 25, I have lost few teeth cuz of this...I want to be happy...I want to be free... I really want to live...Is there any advice anyone can give me?? I really can't go to gp anymore. I have tried all possible therapies and I just get worse.
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replied May 22nd, 2005
Experienced User
Hi lilo, how are you. I hope you're ok and i'm glad you have joined the forums because herw you can read about poeple who have had similar experiences and talk to them. Many are also willing to give you support.
I know how bingeing feels like- just terrible. I am no doctor at all ( I am a 15 yo girl) but here are a few tips:
1) before you binge think "is this worth the calories and guilt I will feel later?"
2) write in a journal all you feelingd before and after you binge. Reading this will help you know when the binge is coming.
3) distract yourself- tlak on the phone, watch a movie, go for a walk.

Your bingeing might be caused by another root problem- such as depression or general anxiety. Usually eating disorders are not onlky abou the food it is the way the person feels and thinks about it. You seems to binge because you are unahppy wiht something though you say you have a great life.
Its good your parents know. You say you have tried every therapy but I feel there is still something out there that may hold hope for you. I know it must be very frustrating to have tried every therapy and seem to get worse and live with this secret for so long, but please belive me, there is a better life ahead of this. You are only 25, you are a young woman with a life and a great future ahead of you and this eating disorder will not pull you down! Say this to yourself.

Have you tried counseling? Many people say this works...
I'm glad you said you really want to live, you deserve to live very much.

Bingeing and eating disorders are treatable. Yes it will be part of your life for a while but you will be free.
We are sort of in the same boat- I binge too and I used to throw up but now I don't. Please choose to find some other way to get help and be happy. It is out there.
Please keep posting on how you are doing . I am thinking of you. Take care of yourself.
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replied May 22nd, 2005
Experienced User
I hear you loud & clear! I was exactly in your some shoes a few years ago. What I discovered (after years of therapy, treatment, drugs) was that my body was starving & that is why I wanted to binge every night. You don't mention your diet but I wonder if you are like I was ~ not eating all day (becouae I was afraid I couldn't stop) & finally breaking down late at night & gobbling every fattening food I could grab, then throwing it up.

The last 3 years have been a miracle, because I foudn a nutritionist who really understands eating problems & she put me on a food plan where I eat balanced meals every day. Now my body has calmed down, I can eat normal meals like everyone else, I don't crave fattening sweets (because i'm well fed) and best of all, I am not fat! I'm no longer a skeleton like I was at my worst, but i'm lean (i also do alot of yoga, which I recommend as part of healing ~ it puts you in touch with your body and you appreciate it & don't want to abuse it anymore.

There is hope!!!!
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replied May 23rd, 2005
Starving myself during the day and than eating like maniac- yes I have been through that. I am really amazingly well balanced now and I really eat very healty and well-and very normal. I am scientist and I am very well aware on what is happening to my body...But I just can't stop in the evening. I have "cured" myself from eating huge jar nutella and eating endlessly chocolates. But now it's more just cream and cream and bread and everything in the evening. I am so proud that I am so good during the day- I took loads of work and strenght but I want to be completely free. But I just can't handle it in the night. Why? Is there anything I could do to stop my nightmare? I sometimes don't even want to go home in the evening cuz I know what kind of abuse I will do to myself!!
Therapy really doesn't work for me. I have tried everything from group therapy to counseling and it just makes me depressed!!!
Has anyone been through this? Has anyone managed to come out of this??? And how!!!?

I am really greatful for all your comments.
Thank you
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replied May 23rd, 2005
Ok wow, I just wrote like a novel on here replying to you, but I dont know what happened to it...That's weird. I can't remember everything I wrote, it really was so much, so i'll try to just recap:

i totally know what you are going through, I have the same problem. I started as an ana at 11, with occasional binges whenever I went out to eat or went to a party with a buffet. The binges became more of the problem/regular occurrence around 15 or 16 (i am 21 now, with one yr left on a b.S. In psych minor in nutrition-ironic, yah?) anyhow I dont know if this is totally your issue, but it doesn't matter for me whether I "starve" during that day or not. I can eat completely normally, plenty of good food, and i'll still end up with a horrid binge that evening. I virtually have no problem controlling myself during the day but in the evenings I just snap! The problem got completely out of control most recently because being a serious athlete my entire life kind of limited how much this could occur (i quit christmas of my sophomore year of college).

I have managed to have periods without binges, my longest and most recent being 2 months (this past jan-feb) and until 3 weeks ago I managed to keep it to once a week until I had a 2 week incident of binges every night again. I have not had an episode now for almost a full week; I have the same sense of frustration, however, wondering how I will ever stop for good. I dont think it's possible-there will always be slips- but I think with a lot of hard work it can be controlled, and I think provided there is not an incident to trigger a string of binges again, the longer you go the easier it gets. Some things I do are I have to stop and force myself to think. You know when you get that urge, the feelings/thoughts start to creep in at that certain time of night, and you go get some food then it just is like you blackout and just continue to eat and eat and eat wihtout thinking too hard because if you do you'll just feel horrible and guilty? I have to stop myself, but usually it only works before I grab that first thing (otherwise i'm like "well I already started might as well continue..."), stop and think about how horrible i'll feel the next day, how good i'll feel waking up after resisting, how this is not what I want and I can choose not to, etc. I'll also go and look at myself in the mirror with my shirt pulled up or just in a bra and underwear, turned to the side, examining how my body looks and then imagining/visualizing how it looks after I binge and it's bloated out like a pregnant woman, how puffy and horrible I feel and all the pressure and pain and disgust (sounds really weird I know but it helps me).

Another thing that helps is finding somethign to distract me-and not that stupid writing in a journal crap (sorry if that offends some people it just has never worked for me), but something that tends to distract me so much I totally lose track of time doing it, and I dont want my brain on the thoughts of wanting to binge, mindlessly just put things on my mouth, so i"ll bring a diet coke (caffeine free since i'm hypoglycemic) with a straw to sip out of while I do whatever i'm doing. A pack of gum really helps sometimes too because I just want to be constantly snacking on something, and gum will usually help get rid of that urge by the time i'm through like an entire pack or so...But anyhow the things that help distract me while I sip coke and/or chew gum are like getting online to chat with people or looking at websites about interesting things, or reading magazines, or painting my nails (making myself feel pretty and also making my nails wet so I can't touch anything for a while, namely food-ha). Sometimes i'll make myself go out somewhere too, like call up friends to go out to a bar or to someone's house just so I am not alone and around people who I dont want to see me binging). One thing that is a bad bad idea, for me at least, is watching tv. It's the opposite of distracting-it's a total trigger.

One more quick thing-nobody knows about my problem either-not even my parents. I have one close friend that I decided to share with, who also has the same struggles, and we'll talk to each other/call each other up when we feel the urge and that helps too. I have a lot of other people close to me in my life that have an ed but have no idea about mine...People i've known for years...But this particular friend is in cali so I guess i'm more comfortable. Talking to someone that you trust that knows to tell you to stop can help, and sometimes I talk so long about it the urge has gone away by then. So if you have a friend you think you could possibly open up to, that can really keep a secret and maybe even relate a little...Or even someone on this forum i'm sure would talk to you-i know i'd be more than happy. It's good to have someone to call or chat with before you get out of control, or even after it has happened.


Well this was going to be a recap but turned into a novel again...Sorry!!!Let me know if you'd like more tips or if you think any of those will help, or if you'd like to talk whenever you're having a problem.
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replied May 24th, 2005
Thank you soo much for your comments. I wrote a long story back yesterday to reply to you but...Something happened and it was gone.

I read it all and I was so determined. I even went by a paperchase to buy diary!!! But it was closed by the time I got there. On my journey back home I was carefully planning not to binge for a night and to have something nice instead that will feel me up and still make me feel good. I was soo determined...So determined...But by the time I got back I made tons of cous cous and had tons of other things :cry: ...I just can't stop... I just can't stop...
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replied May 24th, 2005
It's ok, it's so easy to slip, I started to slip tonight because I was feeling horrible all day and I dont know if it's the high from all the sugar I consume but it helps me if i'm not feeling well to just eat and eat and eat (of course it doesn't feel so great after)...But in the middle of it I managed to muster up the strength to stop myself before I got so stuffed taht I couldn't stand up straight, and I didn't throw up or anything either. I stopped and thought about what I was doing, went and took a look at myself in the mirror, grabbed a pack of gum and started reading a magazine away from the couch downstairs (the major trigger area in my apt for binges).

You just have to keep telling yourself that it's ok and that each day is another chance to turn it all around...You can do it!!! I seriously know you can, and once you go that first night without binging you will feel so amazingly proud of yourself...And dont get down when you fail, be proud you are giving it your best efforts! Good luck keep trying!! Let me know how things are going

p.S. I sent you a pm with some other advice and my email
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replied October 16th, 2008
yayy this is so comforting..i thought i was the only one
divided skies...racking my brain for a username i think yours stuck in there somewhere lol

I was like semi-anorexic for a bit when i went into this like running frenzy running every day. Running was like my purge, ive tried throwing up but never can, and i think thats good because i would binge more if i could purge. Its been like a year now..i dont really restrict what i eat any more but i still have these binges! you know that feeling like mm just a little something more to finish that off..i keep eating to make myself feel better. like my stomach will hurt from eating so much and i'll go and get something to 'settle' it.
its annoying because its hard to get work done on the weekends because i just keep wanting to eat. and its like once i start i cant stop. sometimes it seems like the only solution is never starting...but its not that easy.

i dont feel like i have a big problem, it may be diminishing slowly but id love to have someone to talk to about this and help eachother : )
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