I have been in a serious relationship for the past five years--my only real relationship actually. My girlfriend is without a doubt the best friend I have: I can talk much more easily than other people, and we have a degree of comfort with each other that I don't have with others. We have trust, care, and personality compatibility.

We have problems, though, such as her being excessively depressive (she has major depression, compulsive overeating disorder, and avoidant personality disorder, but refuses to see a therapist) and ready to lay blame, and our parents create serious problems for us. She is also moving 400 miles away in a couple of months.

The biggest problem, though, is that I am just not sexually attracted to her anymore. I feel shallow and shameful for this, and wish that I did find her attractive, but in the past two years, she has gained over one hundred pounds due to her cycle of depression-binge eating-greater depression-greater binge eating-etc. And she is still continuing to gain, despite trying to go on diet after diet. We still are able to have sex, but it is less frequent, more labored, and honestly, I think about other people when we do it. And we're only in our early 20s.

And sex is not the only concern I have relating to her weight gain--her current weight puts her in class ii obesity, meaning she is at high risk for serious illness early in life--so I fear that she won't always be around, or at least not in any condition to enjoy life.

So, my question is, should I break up? I don't want to lose her friendship, but I just don't know if continuing with this is the best investment of my life, time, and energy. I am generally energetic, but feel weight down by all of this. And I don't see any likelihood of the situation turning around.

Any thoughts? Thanks
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replied June 3rd, 2005
Obviously she isn't happy. This is making you unhappy. She has problems that she needs help with. She needs to see it that way before anything can be done about it, and until that happens it isn't going to get any better for you i'm afraid. Maybe her moving 400 miles away is for the best. If you are true companions that will last even if you are apart, you will see and time will tell. The seperation will probably be great for you the way you are feeling. Give yourself some space to explore other options and examine your own feelings and motives more closely. Have you told her and explained to her all of the things you have posted on here? That would be my first start if I were you, if you haven't already. Sounds like you are a caring person, she needs to meet you 50/50 with some effort even if it is only on herself. Good luck.
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replied June 13th, 2005
Experienced User
I agree her move may be a blessing in disguise. Just tell her you want to stay friends but don't want to be in a long distance relationship. You are obviously not in love with her if you are not sexually attracted to her anymore. Believe me, I know because i'm going through the same thing in my marriage.
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replied June 13th, 2005
Can't you be in love with someone and not be sexually attracted to anyone? Some people are that way when they are emotionally troubled or stressed. Or older!
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replied June 28th, 2005
I agree.....She is obviously not happy with her life. She really needs to seek help. Not necessarily for the realationship, but for her wellness. If you love her, maybe you should keep encouraging her to get help. You should be happy,also. You cannot make her get the proper help. All you can do is support her. She must be willing to change her lifestyle. I truly hope she finds happiness within herself. Best of luck to you both.
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