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Falling In Love W/a Person While Being In Love With Another?

Hi all,

i never thought this would happen to me personally, or that I would post this query online, but I dont know who I can ask /tell this to. It's driving me up the wall and some thoughts and opinions would be greatly appreciated!

Is it possible to fall in love with a person while being in love with another?

I've been with my current boyfriend for a few years now, and while it's a long-distance relationship (we do see each other every 2 weeks), things between us are great. I am happy with him, I care about him, I love him for everything that he is and I am willing to be there for him through thick and thin, just as what he's done for us in the past few years.

A few months ago, I met a single guy through mutual friends of ours. It started off innocent enough - chatting online, going out as a group, etc. But somehow our closeness quickly escalated - we just have so much to talk about between us! It was evident we enjoy each other's company. I find myself thinking about him whenever he's not around, and saw him nearly everyday during christmas holidays - he took me out to meet his other groups of friends, his family, going to parties, etc. My boyfriend knew about this and was okay with it.

But somewhere along all that time spent together, I fell in love with the guy. I say "fell in love" because it feels much deeper than just a "like" or "infatuation" - there is a connection between us that I cant quite explain. He makes me feel special; that giddy, excited feeling people feel in the initial stages of dating. The last time I felt that way was towards my boyfriend a few years back. I love our current level of intimacy, but to be honest I do miss that "giddy and excited" feeling. And that feeling is something my boyfriend can never give me again because we are already way past that stage.

The guy I fell in love with is an all-around nice gentleman. He treats women with respect, is loyal to his friends, and is not afraid to talk about his feelings. Naturally, he's got a lot of girls after him. But surprisingly, he is not interested in any because he is secretly in love with a girl whom he has known since he was a kid - he tells me about her all the time, how he is holding his heart out for her even though she is not his, how much he loves her, and it hurts to hear him talk about her like that! Obviously, under this circumstance - me being in a relationship, and the single him loving someone else - there is no way he will have feelings for me. Yet i'm not convinced our friendship is truly platonic - there are times I know he saw me different. Sometimes he'll compliment me in a way that a boyfriend would do to his girl (i.E. Compliments that you just won't say if you are just platonic friends). We talk about "touchy" topics like sexuality and whatnot. We'd get into play fights too, tickling each other until we both end up in hysterics on the floor. Platonic friends don't do that, do they??

Our group of mutual friends tease me and that guy about how we "act like a couple" whenever we are together. They think it's cuz we are good friends. And we are - except from my end, I feel more towards him than just "friends". The only thing that is keeping me from going further is the fact that I know my heart belongs to my boyfriend.

I don't even know what I should do about this... Just want to hear what everyone else thinks of this situation...
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replied March 9th, 2005
Experienced User
Don't get "love" and "infatuation" confused. This is clearly infatuation from the "giddy" feelings that you're experiencing. A lot of guys/girls in relationships feel like this... They miss that rush that they felt at the beginning... The constantly on each other's mind and so forth. And what you're going through is not anything new, it happens all the time. Oftentimes this is how men or women that cheat on their partners are born. Starts out innocent enough, but feelings develop, and before you know it... You're cheating. (oftentimes you don't even feel guilty about doing it, because it feels so 'natural'.)

i will tell you two scenarios. The right thing to do, and the realistic thing to do.

The right thing to do would be to talk to your current boyfriend and make him aware of what's going on, the feelings that you have, and ask for his understanding. He will likely be hurt nonetheless, but this is something he should know now not after-the-fact. It's obvious that he's not providing something you desire... Either seeing each other all the time, or possibly those small giddy feelings. He has to know what's going on and do something on his side so you don't have a desire for anyone else. The next 'right' thing for you to do would be to stop talking to this new guy---whether you want to admit it or not, the feelings you're having some would consider cheating. How would you feel if your boyfriend was preoccupied thinking about another girl, going out with her, spending time with her, play fighting with her oftentimes romping on the ground.....? You have to be responsible. Either this, or end things with your current boyfriend, then persue something with this other guy. (regardless if he has a secret infatuation on a childhood playmate.)

however, although this is the right thing to do... Most people simply aren't that responsible or respectful in today's world. No fault of theirs, this is just life... So the more realistic thing to do would be to talk this new guy and figure out if he's interested in you at all.. If he is, then persue him and end things with your boyfriend. If not, then continue on as things are going. Again, I wouldn't recommend this, and I hate to write this even as advice... But realistically, it's what people in the real world do.

Hope this helps.. If you need to talk or anything, i'm here.

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replied September 22nd, 2009

I find your advice to be incrediby helpful. You nailed the answers to my questions. I am in a similar situation where I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 yrs, and recently met another guy about 2 months ago. It began as something innocent, and later resulted into us really liking each other. However, given the circumstances, this new guy took a step back from what was going on knowing that even if I did break up with my boyfriend, I'd still be in love with him and that there would be trust issues etc. And now I am in a situation where I really really like this new guy, but almost feel like I've lost him in some ways because of this. But you are right, it's not fair to my boyfriend and I think simply by just moving on is the best solution.

The only problem is, is that I can't stop thinking about this other guy. Even when I'm with my boyfriend. How do I overcome that?

Thanks again.
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replied March 12th, 2010
Experienced User
Relationships - First Stand Back Then Decide!
There`s considerable logic here. The options are fine, but there is at least one more worth considering, and I believe it to be your very best start position.
I wouldn`t define the difference between love and infatuation in terms of being in quite the same place, but I`ll refer to the recent relationship as being one of infatuation - Are you still conscious of "loving" him when he`s not actually there? If yes, then I`d think of that as basic love, to which can be added various orders, some more meaningful.
The approach I`m suggesting that you adopt is this one. Start by giving yourself space from your infatuation - Not by asking him if he fancies you, for that beginning would likely make space impossible to attain. Your intuition should be more than adequate in answering this anyway? Enough space/time will then create the same environment to both relationships, with one provision, that you deploy memory to the first. The "rush" is important to the mature relationship because it`s always with you (in your mind) but can be had with too many and too easily to be of discisive consideration - Consider only the quality of the friendship, how comfortable you feel, how well conversation flows, and the extent to which the other is an extension to your own being - What you have in common in the physical world is less important. Having too much in common here can make relationships grow stale. Be true to your "soul" - You may actually owe it to both of them to make the right decision now, and that`s totally regardless of how you decide. It`s what I`d do!
Does this help as an addition to what`s already been covered??
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