If you've read any of my other posts you'd know that I need to gain a pound a week or I will be withdrawn from my university: I am 40 lbs underweight. My bmi is 14.7.

Anyway, i've been doing that : I need to stay in school. It's paid for and i'm not wasting my money or time spent. It's really hard though. Gaining this weight makes me feel terrible. I feel so much worse inside than before, and i'm acting so much happier on the outside to mask that. I"m doing a really f'ing good job, might I add. I guess I just need some support...Some strength. I wish someone here would just...Hug me, tell me that i"m alright...That i'll be fine. I don't know what's going to happen to me. If i'll die due to my e.D., suicide from depression....I'm just unsure. Will I fail this battle? ...But which battle is that - the battle to beat my ed or that battle to continue to be in control and keep my ed..? It's tough. There are 2 parts of me, and i'm afraid. The conflict between the two make this so difficult. It's killing me in every possible way.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a good actress. I want someone to see through me. I want someone to care. I feel completely alone and powerless.
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replied February 19th, 2005
Experienced User
You Can Win!
:? I know it must seem like you are fighting all the time --- your ed voice says one thing, your healthy voice syas another, and no matter what you do (eat or starve) you feel guilty. I have been in the same situation --- I ahve been h ospitalized 2x for anorexia in the past, I was even on a feeding tube for awhile --- and I hated gaining weight.
But hang in there. It does get better and easier. It's been 8 years since the hospital, and although I still have days where I struggle with eating or want to skip meals, I usually know what the right thing is to do --- and that's fight the eating disorder. It is a deadly disease that wants to kill you. Don't give in to its messages. Yes, you feel fat & ugly now because you are not used to eating, but you are actually coming back to life. Life will improve.
You only get one chance in this world (as far as we know) so why spend your time destroying yourself? Why kill yourself early?
As you eat better & your brain can think more clearly because it is nourished, you will realize that life can be good & that food is fuel you need to live.
Good luck!
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replied February 19th, 2005
Coin Flipped
Thanks a lot for the reply. It makes me feel better to hear from someone who has gone though these things. It's also (believe it or not) comforting to know that you still struggle w/ it, and that's it's not easy at all-naturally. This way I don't feel like such a completely hopeless, worthless, and helpless child who has no chance at all-destined to be completely taken over by this stupid e.D.

I hate it so so much (but I love it...) . You know what I mean. I'm sure you do.

I hope you continue to do well- as well as you can.
Thanks for giving me a little hope.

Peace.
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replied February 21st, 2005
Experienced User
:d i'm glad you feel some hope. Yes, there is life after anorexia! As I said before, just hang in there and try to listen to your healthy voice. That will get you well.
I think every woman in our society struggles with weight, body image, & eating issues. I know that I have found some peace but that doesn't mean I don't still often obssess or worry or wonder.
You are not weird or stupid --- and you are definitely not alone!
Write me anytime you need support --- I do know what you're going through.
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replied February 21st, 2005
Scared
I get weight tomorrow. Im' scared that I haven't gained a pound- and that means medical withdrawl. I haven't been able to sleep lately, moreso than usual. This has completely taken over my mind. I just want to finish this semester but everything I eat something - even fruit now- I feel horrible. I want to hurt myself for letting someone else control me. I am giving into this..... I feel like i"m denying what I really want, and that is my e.D. And I know that it's not what I really want but ..... I do?! You know exactly what I mean, though it sounds complicated... It makes perfect sense to me and others who have or do suffer. My depression is worsening and I feel like I can't talk about it. I want to appear perfect...In control, and stable. I just wish someone would see through me.
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replied February 22nd, 2005
Experienced User
I feel so sad for you! Yes, I know exactly how awful you feel. It's because you aren't getting enough nutrition & your brain, mood, & body are all suffering. Of course you feel horrible! You need help. Why don't you just tell someone you trust how you feel? You don't really want your e.D., but right now it is messing with your mind & you can't imagine life without it. Believe me, life is so much better without it! No one can 'take away' your control --- you have the power to give this up or let it kill you. What will you do? Yes it's scary to let go but once you do, good things will happen. Please tell someone & stop pretending you are ok. I did that for years & so I spent s long time in hell when I could have been recovering. Now I look back & wish i'd told someone.
Let me know how your appointment goes. If you have troubel eating, you may want to supplement with some nutritional liquids (ensure) which taste kinda gross & sweet but are easy to drink down. I lived on those for a few months before I was well enough to eat normally.
Anyway, my thoughts are with you!
Kristina
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replied February 24th, 2005
Numb
I feel so incredibly numb my mind is dying...My depression is really taking hold. I'm not sad, i'm just......Nothing?! I skipped all of my classes today and just sat in my dorm room.
I feel terrible. I hate that i'm being forced into this 'contract' of seeing couselors, nurses,etc - and that 1lb a week thing is killing me. I'm doing it (of course- I need to stay in school), but it makes me want to die. They may be 'helping me' physically, but they're killing me mentally and emotionally. My self hatred is growing-but I have to appear strong everyday so that they think i'm fine, and that I can stay here. If I show too much weakness i'm afraid i'll be withdrawn. I wish desperately for someone to talk to with complete honesty - I need that so badly. I'm just afraid. I seem to hurt everyone and mess up their lives... I don't want to do that anymore.
Anyway, wow - that venting came out of nowhere. My appointment went 'well.' I gained the necessary weight for the week, and got some more meds. Thank you so so much for responding to my entries. It means something to me. I'm not invisible, yet. Not completely.
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replied October 22nd, 2005
I Understand!
I totally understand where your'e comming from! I have battled anorexia and bulimia now for 13 long hard years and I know how hard it can be. They put me in a mental hospital and locked me up until I gained 50 pounds! It was torture, but I got through it by telling myself that gaining the weight would in fact eventually make me fell better. Well, I have since lost most of the weight again but I regret it but I am slowly gaining again. I just keep telling myself how rotten anorexia makes me feel. Hang in there. It also helps to find someone supportive to talk to. Wish you luck.

Jeana.
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replied October 23rd, 2005
Experienced User
I Will Give You a Hug.... Lol
Well,i am here for you if you ever need to talk or vent about something just pm. I have stuggled with bulimia for about a year. I am debationg weather or not to get help also cause controll. When I get to the point of wanting to get help something always happens that sets my mom in a sad or depressed mood and I don't wanna make it worse but, (yeah I will admit I try to look for lil reasons not to get help.) I think that you can win this battle all you need is a lot of support. I beleive that everyone who has an ed can some how find the strength in theirself to get help..... I hope you find that strength though. Like I said I am here to talk if you ever need to..
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