I have a 5-year-old son. He is so smart, happy, and I feel lucky to know him. Which is why I can't fathom why his father wouldn't want to know him. We were together until my son was 2. He was so emotionally unavailiable that I couldn't handle it anymore and left. We were doing the daddy calls when he wants to see his son thing, and I complied peacefully everytime. Even when he didn't show up, I would say "daddy loves you very much but he has to work extra today so he can't come." I always made him the good guy cause I didn't want to be that kind of mom that bad mouths the other parent. But after 5 years of this !**@! i'm ready to blow! I had a heart to heart with him and specified what our son needed from him and he acts like father of the year for two weeks and disappears for four months. This has happened twice this year. No phone calls, no nothing! Friends told me they saw him out at the bar, so I know he's alive?...And well! Now I don't think I should let him see or talk to him. He said he didn't call for so long because my son has a temper tantrum last time he was with him and my son said "i hate you". His dad didn't think that was acceptable, and it's not, and decided to punish him by ignoring him for four months. This was 4 months ago, so now he acts all surprised that I wouldn't let him talk to him when he called out of the blue this past week. My son seems to genuinely not like his dad, and has said on several occasions that he wants my boyfriend to be his new dad. Which is nice because my boyfriend loves him like a son, he says "you have a dad, but whatever you want to call me..." my sons behavior is very different when his dad is not around too. He is so easy to handle when he hasn't seen him for awhile, but when he is part of his life I find my son is very difficult. I really want to do the right thing, and am trying to not let my anger take over, but I think I should tell him to take me to court to see him. Besides all this, he is slacking in child support payments. I just wish he would walk away and let me heal my son and move on.

I know this is really long, but the stress of it is making me physically sick. I'm just looking for some opinions on what I should do next? Any would be appreciated, thanks!
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replied December 10th, 2004
You've got support from your boyfriend. Your getting payments and the guy does not live with you, he misses his kid and all of the sudden you feel you have to become another statistic and take him to court, your going to give yourself more grief, i'm not defending him in anyway it doesn't matter, get over yourself your being selfish. The effects of having him not there or coming to see him once in awile are pure chance the effects of court are negativity and wonton stress. If you don't want him around when he calls tell him to goto hell. And then arange a time that suits our schedule.
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replied March 22nd, 2005
Its Not Selfish When the Child Should Be First
Dear "scatterbrain", I see its been a while since this was posted but I had to put in my opinion...When I got pregnant with my baby who is now almost 3, his father disappeared...He ignored my calls and ran my name into the ground, saying it was his kid..Blah blah blah, but showed up the night my son was born (an hour or so after he was born) and decided he wanted all the credit for him. But of course w/o any responsibility. He did alot of the same things, came and went whenever, saw him when it was convenient for him, never paid child support till I went thru the ors, and treated us both bad. My son, for a while didnt seem to want anyhting to do with his dad, or even really like him much. It took for us to actually go to court to get a set visitation schedule and child support amount for his dad to realize that he is his dad and he should start acting like it...We went to court last november and ever since he has been improving...Not father of the year by anymeans, but now he knows what he has to do and my son actually enjoys seeing him now and we are getting along better too...But I think one really important reason to go to court and have custody established is, if he decided to show up one day, take him and not return him, he could legally do it. The courts and the cops see it as no one has physical custody, its your word against his type of thing. I know this because thats what set off the whole court thing to begin with...He had him overnight, and when I told him I was on my way to get him the next morning, he took off and said I f I could find him I could have him...Its a long story...But you see what I mean...So you do what you think is best for you and your son...
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replied August 14th, 2005
Dead Beat Dads
Go to Deadbeatbabydaddy.Com, there is a lot of helpful information posted.
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replied August 26th, 2005
It Sucks
My daughters father pulled that with her, and I would get all upset and it pissed me off. Until the day came when I accepted that he will never be a "father" to her. When he would say he was coming to get her, I wouldnt tell her b/c he would never show up. Sounds like this dad gets a case of the guilts then ocmes around. To me your child is better off with him not being around at all, then popping in here and there and being a butthead. If he calls I would say I am sorry you cant see him, and if he wants to then he can take it to ocurt, chances are he wont and he will be gone.
My daughters father pays his child support inconsistently, but I would rahter he jsut be gone. My daughter has someone she calls dad, and that is what matters. Sounds like your son has that too, if he wants to call your boyfriend dad I would let him, but only if you know that you guys are going to be married and are stable, otherwise if he is gone again, your son will have another issue to deal with.
I told my daughter (older now) that she will always have a void in her life for that male attention she did not get from her biological father, and (i have it too) that you cant find it anywhere else such as food, gambling, a boyfriend etc... This is usually what happens as the child grows up without dealing with the bio dad not being therem they have a huge void they cant seem to fill. Sounds corny, but for me and my daughter we filled that void with the thought that god is our new daddy, I am not a bible banger or even go to church. But this helped her b/c when they go to sunday school etc.. They are taught that god is love. I dont know, it still bothers her from time to time, and me as well with my own dad, but it is a pain that stays with you forever, jsut gets easier and less apinful in time. To me the sooner he isnt around, the better. Unless he has some "change" where he is going to be stable and consistent.
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replied August 26th, 2005
Extremely eHealthy
My children were 12. 10, 8 when their dad decided to take them from me. He had not even so much as seen them for 3 years. He took them for a summer visit and never returned them. I had already went to court and established custody and child support payments for them. But the case was like 3 years before that and they couldnt even listen to it. He has every right to take them, even though the papers said he only gets every other holiday and 2 weeks in the summer. They would not do anything. Worse part is he had molested my daughter when she was 3 and I had that on my side, but couldnt pull up the police reports cuz it had been over 7 years. The kids even told their lawyer about it and they dint listen. He molested my little angel again when she was 11. She was the middle child left when she was 10.

I say take him to court if you think your strong enough for it, get full documentation of every thing in triplicate and keep in a strong box.
Establish visitation and make him stick to it, establish child support and take him back to court if he dont pay it. Stand up for your baby's rights and your own rights. Good luck

i did all my own divorce papers and court documents--you can too
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replied May 17th, 2006
Dead Beat Dads Suck
I have a 10 yr old... She hasn't seen her father for 5 yrs though he did call 3 yrs ago and threaten with joint custody cuz he had a new woman to impress. He owes almost $19,000 in back support and has a warrant out for his arrest. Too bad the warrant is in wi cuz as soon as he found out about it he moved to montanna where the warrant is no good. He works for cash and my daughter doesn't know him but really wants to. Lately she's been "missing" him a lot and can't even find anything out about him cuz he's not a stand-up guy and can't do the right thing by her.
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replied August 6th, 2006
Dead Beat Dad
My daughters father never wanted to know about her while I was pregnant,or for the first three years of her life,when he did start a relationship with her I was all for it thinking that she was missing out in someway not having him around. I have since changed my mind as he only stuck around for six months, he showed up again last easter bringing her easter eggs, I explained to him in no unsertain terms that he couldn't walk in and out of her life it wasn,t fair to her, he had to face his responsibilities and make a commitment to her and make it regular visits and I wouldn't stand for him upsetting her again, that lasted four weeks ,we haven't had a phone call since, he has since moved in with a woman and is playing happy families to her five children, while his girlfriend is completely un aware he even has a daughter. I fully believe no matter what my daughter is better of with out him disrupting her life.
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replied November 20th, 2007
Re: Deadbeat Dad
I am in almost the exact same position: my 5 year old son has not seen his dad for at least 3 years and doesnt remember him- i also have a loving caring boyfriend who is a dad to my son since he was 1... and now my ex gets out of jail (spent only 1 year and has no excuse on accounting for all the other years he just wasnt around) and wants to see him on his birthday because its convenient. I'm just really stuck because it is not fair he decides when to be in his life, so I'm not letting him see him, and he's threatening to make my life a living hell- i would let him see him if he proves to me he has a steady job, takes parenting classes etc and will be serious about being there for him...I'm just curious how your situation turned out
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replied June 9th, 2009
I have 3 children. The oldest is graduation from 8th grade this year. Recently all three of my children were escorted from their classrooms because their father has not paid the tuition bill for their school. Which he was ordered to do. He has not paid child support in over one year and he has not paid what was agreed to in our divorce settlement. Now he has petitioned to the courts that he not have to pay any childsupport. He has recently become engaged, gave his girlfriend a 2 carat ring and took her on a $13,000 vacation. But is crying poor when it comes to his own children. They have told the kids that they plan on having two children. My odest asked how he planned to pay for two more kids! I just don't understand how an adult can have such lack of consideration for their own flesh and blood. Oh, and now that we will be in court soon he has, of course, taken every opportunity to see the kids so he looks good in front of the judge! This sucks. No child should have to face a father that they know really doesn't care.
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User Profile
replied June 10th, 2009
It sounds like your beautiful child would be better off without the old husband, if it puts his behavior out of control or very difficult. If your son likes being around your new boyfriend and you like being around your new boyfriend, so be it. Your ex doesn't deserve to see what amazing progress you have made. This is not immature, this is your life and your family, he wasn't emotionally involved in the first place.
I am very proud of you for finding a new boyfriend btw, I am very happy you found someone else. I know nothing about your ex, but I do know about someone who is not emotionally involved. I dont disagree with this but they need someone like them, and if you were getting sick of it, then good for you for appreciating yourself enough to give both of you the freedom of being happier.
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replied April 14th, 2010
This is very helpful to me. I am kinda in the same situation. My daughter is 4 going on five. Her father and I are still legally married but have been separated for almost two years. For the first year he would see her every other weekened or so...then things began to change, he would say he was showing up to get her, and he would be like 2 hours late. Or say he can''t make it this day or that day. He has been court ordered to pay child support but I''m still waiting. I also can''t believe that someone can just not care about a kid. Not to mention he has two other kids with two other women...one of which he didn''t tell me about till I was pregnant. There was alot of domestic violence involved. I had a restraining order for a while too. Anyways, I''m coming to the conclusion that I''m no longer going to bother trying to make him part of her life. I have a wonderful man now (funny I''ve known him since he was 13 he''s now 32). He''s the most tranquil man ever! yesterday her father called and I handed the phone over to my daughter, she did not want to speak to him. If he gets hot headed and says i''m not allowing her to visit...let him take me to court...he has a criminal record, biplor and not on meds, one of his sons was caught about to perform a sexual act on my friends son, has left my daughter with a convicted drug dealer, his mother resides with a registered sex offender....I could go on and on...LET HIS ASS TAKE ME TO COURT!!! I''m no longer picking up his phone calls IF he does call..I''m no longer going to check my email adress I created to communicate with him! I''m done! True, better to not have a father than to have a bad one!!!!
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replied June 3rd, 2011
Please email this deadbeat
I am the child of a bitter divorce. My biological father has not paid a single penny when he had my mother sign divorce papers while physically threatening her.

He fled the country and head out to Iran. Iran is as lawless as it can get and these deadbeat scumbags can get away with anything... including having several wives.

He finally deserves to be remembered what he left behind even though he is now spoiling his new children with one of his newest wife.

He tried to become untraceable but its payback time.

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replied August 31st, 2011
Blame everyone but yourself is all I hear in here. How do you even sleep at night being negative towards anyone in life, its not hard to see why your partner walked out on you. I know you choose to share your emotional baggage on the internet for support, "Misery needs company", but you should take an honest look at yourself.

People don't walk away from you if your actually a great person to be around, by actually admitting on here that your not, is beyond me.

Dead beat dad was just a term coined so court system could make money off a non-tax deductible partner, and used loosely by unintelligent people as a defensive response to being unable to have the communication skills or ability to keep a partner in their life.

I assure you if you use the term while dating someone new, he will run for the door first chance he gets as you've already shown your negative vendictive nature.
All that anyone really thinks is, "Do I really have to listen to this, looks like a dead beat mother that can't find herself a good job, and I'm sure somone forced her legs open as well...".

Be an adult, be happy for your child, stop depending on others for money, learn what daycare, law school or a good paying job is, and enjoy your life.

You are making women look really bad in this forum, you think a single dad ever asks for a penny of child support or ever talks badly about that childs mother?
Do you think any man will ever truely respect you him knowing you can't get by in life on your own 2 feet?
Sure a paycheck for doing absolutely nothing is great, sure daycare is expensive, but I bet you'd feel better making your own way in the world and becoming a positive person instead!
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replied August 3rd, 2015
Name and shame
I say we name and shame all dead beat dads, theres too many of them..
James Gillingham From Essex uk is one of them !!!
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replied August 3rd, 2015
Extremely eHealthy
We met at a Religious dance....dated, went dancing every weekend, went fishing, did family events. Finally married in 1966, small wedding, weekend honeymoon. First son 13 months later, 2nd son 13 months after than, worked, saved money, cooked home and finally bought a small home with a big yard for the children, one more child a girl. He started not coming home, was distant. Threatened to shoot me. Disappearing on his vacation time. Finally told him that he had to leave. I still paid all the bills. He did not want to pay more than $25 a month for the children. Finally had to take him to court for $75.00 a week for the children. I started working PT and he wanted to pay less money. Again to court, Judge said that he had to support the children. Divorced him in 1974. Something just was not right with him after the children were born. In 1980, the boys were watching a special show about What Daddy did to me" they told me that Daddy touched them. I kept my cool and just listened & talked with both boys. I called the police and had to take them downtown. He never touched the daughter. So the intake person talked with the boys separately and then later she called me in to read their statements. I was floored. They called him and told him to turn himself in because they did not want to make a scene in front of his elderly mother where he was living. So he did....2 more courts..one for children & 1 for adults. Convicted on all counts and prohibited from seeing them until they were 18 and no contact and no phone calls & no visits. He did not want to support them. I did not remarry until the youngest was 21. I can't tell you how many times I had to go to court over those years as he would try in court to get it reduced and I would ask for $5 more and get it. He told the judge that he would just quit his job and the judge told him and I will just put you in jail. You have to stand up for your childrens rights. I never said anything bad about the father in front of them. I took them fishing every weekend that we could and skating when the weather was bad. Times were tough, I shopped at house sales & flea markets and washed everything right away and made the clothes fit them. We lived on soups & homemade stews. The summer, we planted a garden and all the kids helped. We froze veggies for the winter.
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